Just because most of you are already counting down the days until football begins (or basketball, for some of you), that doesn't mean that there aren't still plenty things to worry about in the meantime...

Greg Paulus - Wow, did this sad little story get blown out of proportion or what!?!? But if nothing else, we got the chance to see the most painful interview since Philo Farnsworth invented the television. Evidently a Duke political science degree doesn't require one to exhibit an adequate mastery of the English language.

John Wall - Remember when Carolina fans were glad that Roy wasn't recruiting John Wall because he was a selfish player and a bad kid with bad grades surrounded by a shady cast of characters? Me neither.

Meineke Car Care Bowl - Huge news out of the Queen City! The Meineke Car Care Bowl will be played on Dec. 26 this year. This is a significant alteration from past years where the game has been played on Dec. 27. Carolina fans everywhere are already hitting their knees to pray that the Heels will end up in a better bowl this year so that they won't have to miss the game while they're celebrating Kwanzaa with their families.

Matthew Stafford - If you haven't seen Matthew Stafford destroying fine china on Jimmy Fallon's show, go ahead and see it while you can. There's just no chance--NO CHANCE--that ESPN will show this 317 times a day this week as they hype their NFL draft coverage as if it's a presidential election.

Alabama Spring Football - It's not nearly as impressive (or sad, depending on your perspective) as the 90,000 people that they packed into Bryant-Denny Stadium for Nick Saban's first spring game, but the Crimson Tide still managed to get 60,000 people to Tuscaloosa for this year's edition. That's only 59,974 more people than we had at our spring game, so I'd say we're well on our way to national prominence.

John Madden - Farewell, Big John. And to a lesser extent, farewell Frank Caliendo's career.

SEC Coaches - Lots of turmoil in the wonderful world of SEC basketball. First of all, Jeff Lebo won't be interviewing for the job at VCU because his buyout at Auburn is more than the Rams could afford to pay even if they wanted him. Even so, it speaks very highly of the SEC that a coach would be interested in leaving a "major" conference to coach in the Colonial Athletic Association. In other SEC news, Ole Miss coach Andy Kennedy hopes to have some positive news this week after allegedly assaulting a taxi driver in December. (Worst case scenario would be six months in jail). And finally, Billy Donovan has done a tremendous job of capitalizing on those back-to-back titles of a few years ago. After a couple of trips to the NIT, he's now celebrating the transfer of yet another key player--forward Alex Tyus. But hey, at least he got his sweet little moment in the sun with that Orlando Magic debacle!

Miss USA - Is it really fair that we win everything in this state? Well--fair or not--Miss North Carolina, (Kristen Dalton) is the new Miss USA. After we win the College World Series this year and App wins another football title, the state of North Carolina is going to be looking pretty good. Maybe Wake Forest will even make it to the Sweet 16 someday.

Granville – (2) Dean Dome vs. (10) Adam Lucas

Poor Adam Lucas. Not sure if it was nervousness about going up against something as historically significant as the Dean Dome or his mind wandering back to Friday’s win over the striking Erin Andrews, but Lucas encountered the worst case of writer’s block in his entire career against the Smith Center on Sunday. The Dome came armed with a plethora of important games it has hosted in its history, but it didn’t need them given how blank Adam’s mind was. Blowout victory for the Dean Dome.

Carmichael -- (5) Miles Simon vs. (4) Sean May's foot

Despite its protestations to the contrary, Sean May's foot couldn't convince the world that it was solely responsible for ending the Matt Doherty Era. On the other hand, Miles Simon was able to make the case that he was responsible for ending a more significant era--the career of Dean Smith. And to a lesser extent, Serge Zwikker. Simon says Sweet Sixteen.

Franklin Street – (12) Raycom vs. (13) Curtis Staples

It figures that the two lowest seeded teams to advance to the second round would wind up facing one another. Staples continued his three point shooting tear, making the first 14 that he took in this game--just like every time he played against the Heels. Raycom, on the other hand, looked like they’d never broadcasted a game before. First there was no HD feed, then there was sound but no picture, and finally picture but no sound. Instead of having Dan Bonner or even Bob Rathbun try to cover Staples, Doc Watson and Mike Gminski got the assignment, and failed miserably. The 13th seeded Staples moves on with ease.

Woollen -- (1) "Throw Away to Worthy" vs. (9) Mike Patrick

Not even close, Mike Patrick. A few mispronunciations and idiotic remarks can't even put you in the same stratosphere with Dean Smith's first championship. Fred Brown and James Worthy, as expected, advance to the Sweet 16.

Franklin Street – (1) Chris Webber’s timeout vs. (9) The Capel Family

Talk about a nail biter! One of the best games we’ve seen in this tournament, without question. Webber’s timeout – aided by a walk that went uncalled on a crucial possession – led by three with just seconds remaining. Amazingly, Jeff Capel was able to overcome his brother’s concrete-filled shoes pace of play and hit a shot from midcourt at the buzzer to send the game into overtime. Thanks in large part to ESPN, what few people remember about Jeff’s midcourt shot against the Heels in ’95 is that Carolina still won the game in overtime. And that’s exactly what happened here today, as Webber’s timeout uses the strength of being associated with a National Championship game to advance to the Sweet 16.

Carmichael -- (2) Kenny Smith's wrist vs. (7) 1993 Blue Team

As most coaches will tell you, the pain of losing usually outweighs the joy of winning. And that old adage played out in this game. Sure, without the Blue Team, the 1993 championship probably never happens, but without Kenny's wrist injury, the '84 championship probably does happen. And it's that spectre of what could have been that carries the injured wrist into the next round.

Granville – (3) Woody Durham vs. (6) Guthridge’s cup of ice

Franklin Street – (3) Danya Abrams vs. (6) Dick Baddour

Danya Abrams was able to rely on his dirty play in the 1994 NCAA Tournament to win in the first round of the HIT on Thursday, but that really only worked because he was playing down to his competition (Makhtar Ndiaye). It was apparent early on in today’s contest against Dick Baddour that using that strategy again would fail miserably. Baddour threatened to use his powers as athletic director and report any rule-breaking directly to the NCAA. With that warning in mind, Abrams switched strategies and began referencing his 2009 selection as an ACC Legend. Baddour easily shot down that distinction’s impact on Carolina history by pointing out Abrams never actually played in the ACC. Danya was never able to recover and Baddour sent him home early.

Carmichael -- (1) Roy's little finger vs. (8) Randolph Childress

Despite the digit's cocky attitude, this game was anything but a cakewalk for Roy's little finger. Even though it's brimming with desire, Roy's little finger isn't great at teaching defense, and that's a recipe for disaster when you're going up against Randolph Childress. Fortunately, Childress remembered that this is a postseason tournament and that he played for Wake Forest, so he politely bowed out.

Franklin Street – (2) Four Corners vs. (7) Al McGuire

After an impressive shutout of JamesOn Curry in round one, Four Corners faced a tougher opponent in Al McGuire on Saturday. You always know what you’re going to get in a game against Al McGuire–-a healthy dose of 1977 championship game reminders. Against Four Corners, McGuire also sprinkled in references to his playing days under Coach Frank McGuire as he attempted to show just how intertwined he’s been with Tar Heel basketball. But one victory over Carolina – even in the NCAA title game – does not a HIT Champion make, and after building a six point lead, Four Corners did what it does best and salted the game away to advance to the second weekend.

Carmichael -- (3) Harold Arceneaux vs. (6) 2000 Final Four run

Interesting scenario in this game. Almost all of the players from the Final Four run were around for the Weber State debacle just one year earlier, so revenge played a big role in this game. The 2000 trip to Indy advances to the Sweet 16.

Granville – (1) 1957 National Championship team vs. (9) Dan Bonner

This game was one of the least competitive second round matchups you’ll find. While Dan Bonner is solid, he just doesn’t hold a candle to a team that went undefeated and won back-to-back games in triple overtime. On the bright side for Dan Bonner, he’s now available to assist Raycom in tomorrow’s second round matchup against Curtis Staples. The ’57 champs will be making their first Sweet 16 appearance, since the 1957 version of the NCAA Tournament had no such thing.

Woollen -- (4) 8 points in 17 seconds vs. (5) Dean Smith hung in effigy

Everybody who attended Carolina in the '70s claims that they were present for the 8-in-17 comeback. But somehow, everyone who attended in the '60s had nothing to do with the effigy. Evidently the comeback was more important. To the Sweet 16 you go, Walter Davis.

Granville – (4) 1984 student fee vote vs. (5) Marvin’s putback

Talk about a hot ticket. And a good matchup. This game went back and forth the entire day, but just before the final horn blew Marvin’s putback took the lid off the very building the student fee vote chose not to pay for. Maybe if the Heels were still playing in Carmichael you could argue that the vote was more significant than Marvin’s putback. As it stands, Marvin’s most memorable moment has just enough significance to move on to face Rosenbluth and friends.

Woollen -- (2) Alamodome vs. (7) Curry to Peppers alley oop

Curry and Pep could have pulled the upset here if they'd stuck to their bread and butter. But instead, they said, "Hey, it's the Alamodome! Instead of dunking all day, let's jack up a bunch of ill-advised three-pointers, despite the fact that our depth perception is terrible in here!" The Alamodome carries its unique brand of torture on to the next round.

On behalf of Carolina Water Cooler, I'd like to apologize for the Danny Green obituary that was posted Friday. In listing his accolades, we somehow failed to mention that Green was voted 3rd Team All-ACC this season, and for that we are sorry.

1:41 - Well, that was an ugly first minute of action. We're on pace to lose 240-0.

1:47 - Coming into this game, Tyler needed 7 rebounds to become Carolina's all-time leading rebounder. He just got all of them on one possession.

1:52 - Larry Drew to Ed Davis for a monster slam. I'm gonna miss those guys when they're gone. Oh...they're only freshman? Fantastic.

1:54 - Florida State had 6 points a minute into the game. Six minutes into the game they now have eight points. Man in the hat says that's not very good.

1:56 - Remember in the National Championship season when UConn had 16 blocks against us? Florida State may equal that in the first half today.

1:57 - Alright, Raycom...if I wanted to listen to this game on the radio, I'd just turn on my radio. Please give me my picture back.

2:04 - The 'Noles just scored their fourth point in the last 10 minutes. I can hear Roy's post game press conference now..."well, we were pretty dadgum fortunate that they missed some shots they would normally make..."

2:09 - Sam Cassell just said the students at North Carolina should thank him for his wine and cheese comment from the early '90s. He may have a point, but I don't foresee that happening.

2:17 - ARoc wants to know if it's safe to say that Leonard Hamilton is the Suge Knight of ACC Basketball. I'm not sure I understand the analogy, but I guess that makes Toney Douglas Dr. Dre and Bobby Sura Tupac?

2:19 - Suge may want to consider having his guys guard Wayne Ellington. He's lighting them up.

2:24 - As Bobby was bringing the ball up the court moments ago, Roy was yelling "HANG LOOSE! HANG LOOSE!" Apparently he was having flashbacks to the Maui Invitational.

2:44 - Oh good...Toney Douglas is heating up.

2:47 - Another record for Tyler Hansbrough! He just moved into first place all time with the 463rd lost contact of his career. In recognition of this tremendous accomplishment, we recommend that you purchase a Priceless Gym t-shirt.

2:55 - When did Tyler learn how to pass in the post? Did he take some sort of course last night?

2:59 - That's the night that the lights went out in the Georgia Dome...

3:09 - Why does it seem like every team in the ACC has a sharpshooting Lithuanian?

3:20 - Stillman has texted to request that if I see Danny's jumpshot wandering around my neighborhood that I please ask it to come check in with us.

3:27 - At this point, I'm fine giving Florida State the three pointer if it means we can start playing basketball again. We don't need to debate it for 15 minutes.

3:34 - Remember in my View from the Couch of the Duke game when I said I wasn't nervous and there was no way we were going to lose? Not the case today.

3:39 - Have you ever watched Bobby's feet when he's walking the ball up the floor? He really drags his toes. It's very odd to watch.

3:41 - Up one with 58.2 seconds to go. Not as nervous as I was, but certainly not overly confident.

3:45 - Now Tyler gets to break the points record against someone like Portland State or American or Morehead State. That'll be exciting.

With the ACC Tournament upon us, it's time to take a look at Carolina's next opponent. We don't yet know if it will be Miami or Virginia Tech, so we'll just have to dissect both squads. And what better way to do that than take an in-depth look at the CEOs of each program to determine what we like and dislike about these two ACC newcomers (relatively speaking)?

Things we like about Seth Greenberg:

- He looks a lot like Uncle Fester.

- He always looks like he’s about to kill the next person who walks by.

- He often wears an expression that conveys so much pain and sadness, we’ve decided to crown him as the second saddest bald man in America (right after Ziggy).

- He constantly uses humor and the telling of jokes as a defense mechanism to combat his melancholy existence.

Things we don’t like about Seth Greenberg:

- He likes to complain about not making the NCAA tournament during seasons when he’s suffered losses to the likes of Richmond, Old Dominion, and N.C. State.

- He swept Carolina just two seasons ago.

- Stephen Curry. Oops.

Things we like about Frank Haith:

- He badly wanted the N.C. State coaching job a few years ago, but couldn’t get Lee Fowler to return his phone calls, emails, or text messages. (Really Lee? You couldn’t even text back an “LOL” when he asked if he could have the job?) As a way of rubbing all of this in State’s face, he now has a program that is now arguably better than State’s. (Not nearly as good as Herb Sendek’s program at Arizona State, but definitely better than the Wolfpack).

- He looks sort of like one of the bad guys in a gangster movie. Not sure why...maybe his eyebrows?

Things we don't like about Frank Haith:

- He graduates his players. All eight guys who have completed their eligibility at Miami have also received their degrees. This is unacceptable in Coral Gables.

- He once worked for Rick Barnes.

- He has his own website. What kind of dork has time to run a website? Get some friends, dude.


So there you have it. A complete statistical breakdown of Friday's possible opponents. Please keep this scouting report close to the vest, OK?

Stillman is watching this game from the Dean Dome. Friend-of-the-site ARoc is watching this game from the Dean Dome. I imagine about 22,000 other people are watching this game from the Dean Dome. And here I sit, watching this game from my couch. I'd ask for your pity, but you're reading my view from the couch, so suddenly I don't feel so low on the totem pole.

3:47- Is it too early to start worrying that the Northern Iowa/Illinois State "game" (and I use the term loosely) won't be over prior to tip-off? I submit to you that it is not.

4:00 - Unreal. My worry was justified as Northern Iowa and Illinois State are headed to overtime. Great game, though - 40 minutes of basketball and they've almost reached 100 points. Combined.

4:08 - Surely they'll cut away from this garbage to air our game. Shirley.

4:10 - Good move, CBS. Though I'm sure the 11 Northern Iowa fans are furious.

4:11 - Copeland in the books with a foul. Happy Senior Day, Mike.

4:14 - Three minutes into the game, and we're on pace to have less total points than Northern Iowa and Illinois State. C'mon, CBS, switch us back to that game, already!

4:17 - Tyler Hansbrough for three! He owns Duke. Owns them.

4:18 - Northern Iowa just won the Missouri Valley Conference Championship. I know you were concerned.

4:22 - Ed Davis just stomped Zoubek in Christian Laettneresque fashion. Except for one minor detail, that being that Davis did it on accident.

4:28 - Tyler Hansbrough for three! He owns Duke. Owns them.

4:34 - Friend-of-the-site Rusty and wife Kat were supposed to come watch the game here today. They just now showed up. Kat blamed their tardiness on the dog. Rusty blamed Kat.

4:50 - Not a lot of exciting stuff going on at this juncture. Close game, just not all that thrilling.

4:54 - Halftime. Down by a point. That's ok, we trailed in Durham, too.

5:11 - A-Roc just texted to say that he ran into Carolina legend Dewey Burke during the half. Michael Jordan, Raymond Felton, Sean May, and Larry Brown are all in attendance, and he managed to bump into the one and only Biscuits. What a lucky guy.

5:14 - Strong start to the second half gives us a four point lead, and Coach K calls a timeout. Roy would have waited until he was down 32 before burning one of those bad boys.

5:23 - Up two, but I feel like we're up 40. Just can't envision us losing this game. Plus, I don't even want to think about what that would feel like.

5:28 - Kat just asked where Brian Zoubek was from. Rusty told her New Jersey. I laughed, but it turns out he was serious.

5:38 - And Tyler scores for the first time since Dean Smith coached here.

5:44 - Deon just got whistled for a foul for - unless I missed something - falling down. Somehow, Zeller wound up with an ice pack on his nose. I think the two events were unrelated.

5:50 - Kyle Singler has the worst cowlick I've ever seen in my life. That includes Alfalfa.

5:56 - Danny has certainly been busy today.

6:02 - Up a mere four with 1:17 to go, and I still can't make myself feel nervous. Just cannot see Duke winning this game.

6:04 - Up six with just a shade over a minute to go and Lawson at the line. Know how I know we're going to win? Roy just called a timeout and was laughing as the team came to the sideline. Roy. Laughing.

6:08 - Alright, Roy. Time to put in Wooten, Tanner, and Moody.

6:11 - Told you we wouldn't lose. Tyler Hansbrough owns Duke. Owns them.

Too many people that deserve to start on Senior Day? Differing theories on how that should be handled...

Scholar: With Senior Day approaching, I've started giving some thought to the probable starting line-up, and I can't help but notice that we have a little problem.  I just did a quick perusal of the roster, and it seems to contain quite a few graduating seniors (a situation that the Florida State's of the world never encounter).  Seven graduates, in fact.  This puts Roy Williams in quite the predicament.  You see, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but NCAA rules make it fairly clear that only five individuals are allowed to play at one time--the lone exception being that Duke is allowed to throw eight people on the court at once, provided three of them wear stripes.

So Roy Williams has seven people that Carolina tradition dictates should start, but only five spots with which to work.  I'm not a CPA or anything, but those numbers don't seem to add up.  Or subtract down, as the case may be.  No worries, though, I have a solution.  Just stop me when you hear something you don't like.  Sunday afternoon, when Duke rolls into town, North Carolina should roll out a starting lineup of Tyler Hansbrough, Bobby Frasor, Danny Green, Mike Copeland, Jack Wooten, Patrick Moody, and J.B. Tanner.  We'll take our technical and those seven guys will have an even cooler story to tell in 20 years than most Carolina seniors have.

Gentleman: Good thing that Donovan McNabb isn't our coach.  He didn't even realize that you could only play five guys at one time.

To your point, you said to stop you when I heard something I didn't like, so let's start with this notion of having Mike Copeland in the starting lineup.  We can't afford to do that.  He's much more valuable where he is now--standing at the end of the line to greet all of the starters as they're announced.  I can't imagine the blow that it would be to team chemistry if Cope wasn't filling that role.  So there's one down.

And you want a cool story for Moody, Tanner, and Wooten?  (Awesome law firm name, by the way).  Instead of letting them play a few meaningless minutes to start the game, why not let them finish the game?  Can't you just see Dean doing something like that back in the day?  Carolina leads by three points with two and a half minutes left to play against their titanic rival, and Dean sends three walk-on seniors into the game to put the finishing touches on the victory while Billy Packer's mutters to himself that it's the most inexplicable coaching move he's ever seen.  Instead of telling a story about being in the starting lineup on senior night (big deal...happens every year), J.B. Tanner could tell his kids about the time that Gerald Henderson whacked him in the nose.

So we're left with Tyler, Danny, and Bobby.  Any suggestions on the other two people that could start with them?

Scholar: If you're going to completely shoot down 274 years of history by not starting seniors on Senior Day, then why even bother starting Green and Frasor?  We could have Danny come off the bench, which would allow him to perform his beloved pre-game dance routine one more time, and we could leave Bobby on the sideline for the entire game in protest of not receiving his medical redshirt.

That would leave us with a starting lineup of Tyler Hansbrough.  It's his day, anyway, so we might as well have him be the only person on the floor.  We'd have to forfeit, of course, but it would be worth it because then that would be the story everyone got to tell their grandkids.  "Yes, my Senior Day we forfeited to Duke and took the L, but what the record book doesn't show is that Tyler scrimmaged against the Blue Devils 1-on-5 and defeated them handily."

Gentleman: I actually really like the idea of Danny getting to dance one last time, so I'm on board with that. And protesting the medical redshirt (or lack thereof) for Bobby seems like a good idea too. But you know what would really show the NCAA who's boss? Keeping Bobby on the bench, but starting Marcus (causing him to lose his medical redshirt and thus making this his last game in the Dean Dome too). That would show 'em. And let's be realisitic, Tyler wouldn't be able to guard the entire perimeter by himself while Duke chucks up three-pointers all day long. But with Marcus by his side, that's a lot more realistic. Plus he wouldn't have to inbound the ball to himself.

So there's your answer. Tyler and Marcus are your Senior Day starters. If they get tired, Copeland can come in later to give them a third man on the court. Then Moody, Tanner, and Wooten will come in at the end to mop things up. Problem solved.

Now, on to fixing the economy...

I already regret turning on ESPN before our scheduled tipoff time. The folks at SportsCenter evidently needed an online poll to determine that a picture of A-Rod kissing his daughter was more memorable than Kyle Busch kissing the track at Las Vegas last weekend. Really? You needed a poll for that? Is there anything in this world that you could take a picture of that wouldn't be more memorable than Kyle Busch? A picture of Dick Vitale shirtless would have been more memorable than Kyle Busch doing anything.

6:59 - Bobby Knight just gave a largely incoherent lecture on how to beat us. For some reason, he chose to use film from the Duke game to prove his point. Funny, I remember us having our way with them that evening.

7:05 - A.D. Vassallo can play. Can't speak a lick of English, but he can play.

7:10 - Mike Patrick says Erin Andrews will be "working the sideline" this evening. Not to be confused with working the sidewalk.

7:16 - I've heard that when Tyler breaks J.J.'s scoring record, Mike Patrick is going to help him celebrate by pronouncing his name correctly. But I'm pretty sure that's just an unsubstantiated rumor.

7:22 - Frank Beamer sporting his lovely orange sweater this evening. That color really brings out his eyes.

7:23 - Jay Bilas just said that the pace of this game is in our favor. Maybe he thought we weren't listening when he said it six minutes ago. Or when he said it four minutes ago.

7:32 - Tyler and Bobby have both chucked up airballs within the last minute. Fortunately, the pace of the game is still in our favor.

7:35 - Instead of writing a letter to the Virginia Tech student body asking for their help in winning this game, perhaps Seth Greenburg should have written a letter to his team asking them not to let Ty Lawson drive through the lane unimpeded.

7:43 - One of my favorite things about Mike Patrick is the way that so many of the things he says are immediately proven to be fallacious. For instance, he'll say something like "Wow, look at Carolina get back on defense!" followed mere seconds later by the Hokies getting an easy transition dunk. Of course, he followed this up by saying that we didn't get the shot we wanted after Tyler hit a three off of a set play to end the half.

8:05 - Bilas says that if we improve our defense, he can only see a couple of teams beating us. So that's good...I'm pretty sure we can win a national championship if we only lose two games in the NCAA tournament.

8:13 - Offensive foul or not, watching Bobby take it to the rack makes me feel all bubbly inside.

8:17 - I'm quite confident that my woeful volleyball P.E. class at Carolina would have been more fun if Ed Davis has been in it.

8:23 - Good work by Miami to solidify their tourney resume by trailing Georgia Tech by 16 at halftime. If that doesn't endear you to the selection committee, then I don't know what will.

8:35 - Benji is pretty confident that Seth Greenburg just recited all of the lyrics to One Shining Moment in the Hokies huddle. "Listen, A.D., the ball is tipped, there you are. You're running for your life, Malcom Delaney. You're a shooting star, Jeff Teague."

8:44 - ARoc says that if Danny Green was any colder, he'd be Sidney Lowe.

8:47 - This is the part of the game where I'm pretty sure that our lead is insurmountable. Unless we're playing at Maryland and it's 2007. Or two weeks ago.

8:58 - ARoc wants to know if Mike Patrick has bought a new jacket since Jay Bilas was born. And on that note, there's your ballgame. Bring on the dookies.

In honor of Greg Little (#8 in your program; #1 in your heart), here's eight random thoughts from Saturday's win over Georgia Tech...

1) Have you ever spent a significant amount of time just observing college mascots? The Muffin says that their behavior during a game is the absolute highest form of comedy. Here's something that I've always wondered...when Rameses (or any other mascot) is getting his picture made with a kid, does he smile underneath his mask?

2) Ok, what's your dirty little secret, Holden Thorp? At 44 years old, you're now the Chancellor of one of the highest-ranked public universities in America. People are constantly referring to your "meteoric rise" through the ranks of academia. You make well over $400,000 a year. And now you're playing the keyboard during the national anthem in the Dean Dome. So what exactly is your tragic flaw, sir? Do you steal food from patients at the UNC Children's Hospital? Is your wife a Satanist who sacrifices puppies in the basement? Do you have dreams of one day joining a militia and moving to Montana where you'll live in a tent and shoot at black people? Seriously, what do we not know about you?

3) Let's go ahead and get this straight. F-O-R-E-H-E-A-D rhymes with Morehead. You know, like the scholarship. It is not pronounced "FAHR-id." Pull yourself together, Woody Durham.

4) Do you think that John Edwards gets nervous when he sees all of those people with cameras at the Dean Dome? What if one or two paparazzi snuck in there and snapped a picture of him rocking that sweet Canadian Tuxedo? That would ruin his political career for sure.

5) Thanks to the Dean Dome jumbotron manager who placed this "Interesting Fact of the Game" on the big screens during the second half: Tyler Hansbrough chose number 50 for his jersey because it was once his brother's jersey number. We're really playing it fast and loose with the word "interesting" here, aren't we? This is like the Vasco Evtimov interview in the 1996 media guide...

"Vasco, tell us something about you that people may not know."

"I love my girlfriend."

Speaking of the Evtimov brothers, what a travesty it is that Ilian has his own Wikipedia entry, but Vasco does not. For shame.

6) Evidently, part of Will Graves' punishment is that he has to be the most enthusiastic cheerleader on the bench for the rest of the season. Just watch him at every TV timeout. He's always the first one to sprint out onto the floor with towels and water and a word of good cheer for his teammates as they trudge to the bench. Patrick Moody and J.B. Tanner can't hold a candle to this guy.

7) According to Roy Williams, Ty Lawson played the best game a point guard could play without scoring a single field goal. That's right, Ty is the new Pepe Sanchez.

8) Remember how Sean May was largely worthless for the first two and a half seasons of his career? But then he played the most dominant 15 games that anyone could have imagined en route to a national championship? What if Bobby Frasor does something like that over the next few weeks?

Well, everybody seems pretty sure that the Legend of Zeller will make his return to the court tonight. I guess we're all so used to Roy's sandbagging that when he says something like "Tyler Zeller might play on Wednesday night," we automatically interpret that as, "Tyler Zeller will definitely play at least 35 minutes on Wednesday night."

8:02 - I'm on record saying that I didn't really have a problem with Ben McCauley's foul on Copeland over at the ice rink last month, but I do look forward to seeing how the Dean Dome crowd reacts to him.

8:06 - Quick bucket for Brandon Costner to get things kicked off. But the underbite still seems to be a bit of a hindrance to him.

8:09 - I'm so jacked up for the Legend of Zeller right now.

8:12 - Friend-of-the-site ARoc says he heard that Roy gets a $10.000 bonus if he keeps State in single digits in the first half. Almost pulled it off last year.

8:19 - What if this game is close all night and Roy doesn't feel comfortable putting the Legend of Zeller in there? That would be the most disappointing thing I've experienced since Weber State.

8:26 - Georgia Tech is terrible. I could see them losing a game to the NC School of Science and Math.

8:29 - THERE HE IS, THE LEGEND OF ZELLER! And he's starting out playing right beside Tyler (the old one). Oh, this is delicious. And he just got scored upon. Well, that was fun.

8:32 - I'm going to wear a Wayne Ellington elbow sleeve to work tomorrow to see if it increases my productivity and job performance.

8:33 - Legend of Zeller with his first bucket of the year 2009 A.D. It was scrumptious.

8:41 - I must say that I never knew, until tonight, that Mr. and Mrs. Wuf were joined in holy matrimony by the Wake Forest Demon Deacon in a ceremony in Reynolds Coliseum in 1981, but that's good to know. And all this time I thought they were just cohabitating.

9:03 - We've gone entirely too long without a Legend of Zeller sighting. Is he in the doghouse? Or maybe he's hurt again? Could it be that he decided he'd rather redshirt after all, so he's going to take his chances on hoping that the NCAA didn't notice that he played in the first half?

9:06 - Did Tim Brando just replace "wine and cheese" with "berries and cream?"

9:14 - I couldn't hate State any less without actually liking them. This rivalry just ain't doing it for me.

9:18 - Wow, the second shooter on the grassy knoll apparently just blasted Wayne in the wrist as he was going up for a fast break dunk, sending the ball straight up in the air. To quote ARoc, "Ed Davis just spiked it like it was a volleyball, and then Wayne set it like it was a volleyball."

9:27 - Brando: "You know, sometimes it seems like Carolina leaves a lot of space between themselves and the three-point shooter." Yes, Timmy, thank you for summing up the fatal flaw of the last quarter century of Carolina Basketball in one succinct sentence.

9:43 - You're not going to believe this, but Tyler was just fouled with unnecessary force by a far inferior player who has apparently grown weary of Tyler's domination. I think I'm just going copy the preceding sentence and keep it on file somewhere so I can use it the rest every game of the season without having to type it out every time.

9:52 - Back to the ice rink, boys. Good luck with that coach you have there. And those players. And that athletic director. And that entire athletic program. Good luck.

Before you break out your pen and paper to start your letter writing campaigns (or, for those of you who email us, before you break out your typewriters), please address all lack of preview complaints to Stillman. He was supposed to preview the Canes and leave me to view from the couch. Instead, I'll be viewing half numero uno and he'll be viewing half number two. We make a spectacular team.

7:48 - Moments ago we were winning 3-0, now we're losing 7-0. Fox Sports had a little scoreboard malfunction at the start of the game.

7:57 - Ed Davis has spent a lot of time on the floor so far. Not from hustling for loose balls so much as just tripping over his own feet.

7:59 - If Carolina had a 3-on-1 break and pulled up for a three, we'd have missed, our opponent would have rebounded it and proceeded to hit a three, Roy would have subsequently gotten a double technical and been ejected, and we'd have wound up spotting the other team about seven points. Yet when Jack McClinton does it against us, Miami winds up with three points.

8:05 - First time in my life I've ever seen the "violation" "swinging of the elbows" called.

8:11 - Kristin hates all camera angles that aren't the normal one from mid-court. Can't say that I disagree with her.

8:14 - This may be the fastest paced game ever played where neither team scores 60 points. Both teams are shooting approximately 7% from the field.

8:17 - Fox Sports sideline reporter Debbie Antonelli makes me think of Linda Cohn. And thinking of Linda Cohn always reminds me of the quote from her book where she says "why do I always have the feeling that when my looks finally go, then so will my career?" And that quote always makes me chuckle, because, as I mentioned earlier, it was written by Linda Cohn.

8:21 - Have you ever watched Frank Haith "coach?" It's not coaching so much as biting his lip to varying degrees based on his level of frustration at the time.

8:23 - I wish I'd been alive when basketball was a finesse game.

8:28 - I know they put it on the commercial for liability reasons, but is there anyone out there that thinks Viagra prevents sexually transmitted diseases? On that note, I'll pass it over to Stillman...

8:32 - Thank you, kind sir. And if anyone out there didn't happen to flip over to TNT at the end of the half to see Shaq dance with the Jabbawockeez at the All-Star Game, well, I feel sorry for you. First time I've smiled since I found out that Coach Thig is leaving us. That's a punch in the gut.

8:43 - Well, deep down in my heart, I knew this day would come. Though I'd held out hope that it wouldn't. But here I sit, in a room full of Carolina fans, and we've all agreed that we're pretty much ready for Tyler to graduate just so we don't have to endure the fawning of the commentators anymore.

8:55 - I'm going to purchase a CPI security system, then sue CPI when the system doesn't include two bouncers who stand around the back of the house and apprehend the burglars who get stuck in the doggie door.

8:57 - For some reason, that sleeve that Wayne is wearing makes him look tougher. His draft stock is probably shooting up right now.

9:06 - I am fond of Jimmy Graham, and I do not know why. Bryson says that his first name should be Teddy because he looks like a gingerbread Teddy Graham.

9:21 - Remember the Rashad McCants/B.J. Elder shootout a few years ago? This is looking like something similar, except both sides have more people involved.

9:25 - I just commented that Wayne rebounds surprisingly well and Benji responded, "Yes, considering how slight he is." That's right, Benji just called a college athlete "slight." Ah, good times.

9:28 - Ty Lawson = ACC Player of the Year. Unless, of course, they give it to Zoubek.

9:33 - Friend of the site ARoc says that it's cruel how we dangle victory in front of an opponent and then pull it away at the last second. Just plain rotten, he says. And, for the record, he loves it.

9:35 - Well, that's a pretty good day--we won, Duke lost, and Kyle Busch did not win the Daytona 500. Let's do this again next year at this time, shall we?

What Coach K said after Wednesday's loss to Carolina.
What Coach K wanted to say after Wednesday's loss to Carolina.

I thought our kids played their butts off. Of course, it's not like they had spectacular butts to begin with. Have you ever seen Kyle Singler in a pair of khakis? Looks like he just has a really long back. Like someone made a frog stand up and put on a pair of pants. What a bunch of white boys. Our guys were ready to play, but I thought Carolina had an A+ game tonight. But here's what confuses me...they don't hug and pet each other during the game like my guys do, but somehow they manage to make more shots. Truly perplexing. And Lawson was great. Lawson was a pro tonight. The officials were pros tonight too--but not because of their performance, They were pros simply from the standpoint that they were being paid. By me.

Again, I thought our guys played well. But please don't tell them that. Tomorrow I'm going to remind them that I've slept with all of their mothers, and then I'm going to make them sign a contract which states that if we lose on this court again, they'll each give me their firstborn son to work in my sweatshop down in the basement. We did not hit shots for a short period of time there, and they did. And by a "short period of time," I'm referring to March of 2006 until now. I want to thank our fans – they were unbelievable in an incredibly dorky way – and our kids are disappointed, obviously, because they really wanted this one more for our students and fans than even themselves. Speaking of our students, here's an interesting tidbit: the average Duke senior has spent a total of about 20 weeks camping out for Carolina tickets during their college career, but they're yet to see us win here.

I thought overall we played well, but we’re not as good as they are right now. And minus a brief interlude earlier this decade, this has essentially always been the case, even if I haven't recognized it until now. They’re better than us, and sometimes a team that’s better doesn’t play as well as that, but they played that way too. But you know what's really scary? They only played great for half of the game. @#$%.

We took too many quick shots. The shot wasn’t bad, as much as the quickness of it so we didn’t rebound when we missed. Kyle and G had some open shots that didn’t go in. I'm not blaming them. Instead, I'm blaming Greg Paulus for letting Ty Lawson hand him his jock, and I'm blaming Lance Thomas and Brian Zoubek for their general tool-baggery. Kyle and G are really just the victims in all of this. We were not as good as they were, but that doesn’t mean we weren’t good. Worst night of my life. Remind me to send Roy a Father's day card in June. Just have to keep going at it. It’s Feb. 11, just have to keep going at it. I give up.

There were a lot of good things for us tonight, just not enough good things to win. And certainly not enough good things to keep me from going on a rampage when I get home tonight that makes Mickie fear for her life. If we played poorly, I’d say it. It would be laced with expletives, but I'd say it.

On the performance of Ty Lawson:

He’s going to play basketball for a long time. But hopefully no more than one more time against us. He’s just really strong, and he’s strong with the ball. Think about Greg Paulus. Ok, can you picture him? Now picture someone who is the polar opposite of Greg Paulus. That is Ty Lawson. He’s really good with the ball. That's what she said.

Dave's house. Eating the rest of the sausage dip that's leftover from the Super Bowl. And listening to his stupid bird make noise. I hate that thing.

3:58 - Duke pulls out the overtime win over Miami, allowing Bob Harris to exhibit his extreme professionalism. I heard him exclaim, "Take that Hurricanes!" after Jon Scheyer made a free throw to give Duke a four-point lead. First time in history that someone has used the phrase "take that" after a free throw.

4:06 - Good work by Raycom once again. We just went from their pregame introduction to a commercial break, followed by a return to the Dean Dome where they're four minutes into the game. Apparently Tim Brant just drove us right through a worm hole.

4:13 - If Dave's bird doesn't shut up, I'm going to strangle it. Really can't stand that thing. If given the choice of rubbing clearasil on J.J. Redick's back acne or spending a day alone with Dave's bird, I would choose the back acne.

4:20 - Dean is old.

4:26 - Based on what I've observed the last few games, I've decided that it's somewhat helpful for our offense when Wayne Ellington makes a lot of shots. I wonder if Roy has suggested that he continue doing that.

4:30 - Dave and I have both agreed that Dan Bonner knows what he's talking about. He doesn't have any humorous catchphrases, noticeable physical defects (though Dave says his laugh could possibly be considered a defect), or any other memorable characteristics; he's just a solid college basketball analyst. You might call him the Ademola Okulaja of broadcasting.

4:43 - Halftime. And this game is incredibly boring.

4:52 - James Worthy has evidently been charged with babysitting Dean until this halftime ceremony is over. Dean would probably be wandering around looking lost if he didn't have a chaperone.

4:54 - Well, I stand corrected. He's walking around looking lost even with a chaperone.

5:07 - For whatever reason, Tim Brant finds it utterly hilarious that Tyler already has a double-double. Can't stop chuckling about those ten rebounds.

5:20 - This is really the most bored that I've ever been while watching Carolina play basketball. Dave says that this is what it would be like to be a State fan, except that we'd be losing while participating in a boring game.

5:23 - Dave: "Has Bobby gotten better looking? Oh...no. My mistake." (Not sure what he saw at first).

5:35 - Tim Brant is a big fan of the word "splash" after a made three-pointer. Can't say I'm in support of that. Sounds like something a middle-aged fat guy at the YMCA would say.

5:47 - I'm trying to imagine something that would be less entertaining than this game. But Dave just flipped it over to Indiana/Michigan State, so there's a good chance I'm about to find out.

By now, you're probably aware that you won't be seeing Will Graves, Marcus Ginyard, or Tyler Zeller when the Cavaliers come to town on Saturday afternoon. Unless, of course, you're at the game and allow your eyes to glance down the bench. Or you're watching the game on TV (because Raycom's broadcasting crew will certainly be all over the story of Ginyard's redshirt and Graves' suspension). But, in honor of these individuals, here's a list of a few other people you won't find at the game...

In honor of Marvin Austin (because we can't think of anyone who has ever worn #9 for Carolina on the basketball court), we present you with 9 random thoughts from the Dean Dome...

What Roy said after Saturday's win over the Wolfpack.
What Roy wanted to say after Saturday's win over the Wolfpack.

Let’s get something out of the way – it was unfortunate at the end. It's going to be even more unfortunate for Mike's "end" tomorrow. We made a mistake and probably shouldn’t have bounced the ball in there to score. Of course, we'd already scored 90-some-odd times, so I guess, in retrospect, two more points wouldn't have hurt that much. But, you see, I have this bizarre complex that makes me want to endear myself to everyone, even my sworn enemies. So I made a big scene hoping that all of the red-clad inbreds would like me. I see now that that was foolish. I said something to Lee Fowler as we came off the court and he said, ‘Yes, but you’ve got substitutes in the game and you never can tell what they’re going to do.’ But what does Lee Fowler know? Did you see the guy that he hired to coach their basketball team? But we still shouldn’t have done it. No, actually, I've talked myself into it. I'm glad we did it. I apologized to Sidney and he understood. Ben McCauley apologized to me and I love him and he didn’t have to do that. I don't know if I'd actually call it "love" per se, but I sure am attracted to that little tuft of hair growing out of his chin.

For us, the first five minutes of the game, we were bad and then we played pretty doggone well the rest of the first half. Granted, we were playing State, so I don't want to give my guys that much credit.

On why he benched Tyler for part of the first half:

He didn't box out. First time in four years. And yet, it made me lose my mind. For me to stand over there and talk about it and preach about it…I love him to death. But that doesn't mean I have to look the other way when he makes a mistake every four years or so. My gosh, I've been the luckiest coach in America, but anyone can box out, or at least make an effort. Well, anyone can't box out. If Coach K tried it, he'd probably throw his back out.

How many times will we have to play in Tallahassee before I stop having pre-game flashbacks to Roy's first year when we blew the 26-point lead? At least I have the Deacs and dookies to distract me until tipoff.

8:46 - Wake seems to be in control of this thing, although they're missing some shots pretty woefully. But Coach K is still cussing at the refs through his nose, so it's all good.

8:58 - I don't know how much Mike Patrick gets paid, but I'm pretty sure that I could cobble together a group of investors that would double his pay if he'd just sit at home and never be on TV ever again. Ever.

9:06 - Well, this is quite the pickle. I'm going to, yet again, miss the first few minutes of our game because I really need to see Duke go down.

9:07 - The Victim just tied it up. Tied the game up, that is. He's still a few weeks away from tying Sheldon Williams for largest forehead in Duke history. And he's far behind Brian Cardinal for the NCAA record.

9:09 - DOWN GO THE WHITE BOYS!!! Nice job, Deacs.

9:11 - Things aren't going so well over here on Raycom. Trailing 7-0 to this collection of Floridians and Nigerians.

9:13 - Tyler was just whistled for the ol' "falling down while being boxed out" foul.

9:26 - Halfway through the first half and we're on pace for a 44-point game.

9:29 - Friend-of-the-site Aroc wants to know if Leonard Hamilton wears eye-liner under his eyes or if he's just always sleep-deprived and angry. Benji says that he looks like a black Uncle Fester.

9:31 - It's a good thing that Daniel Richard Green, Jr. plays for us.

9:40 - Aroc: "Did he just say, 'Revise your vote like a meteorologist's five day forecast?' What happened to catchy announcing like "en fuego" and "boo-yah?"

9:49 - Dave says the guy sitting next to the Raycom microphone is fairly ignorant. Not Dan Bonner--the drunk student.

9:53 - Remember when I said we were on pace for a 44-point game? Funny story...turns out it was a 46-point half.

9:59 - Tim Brando just said that "it's Kay Yow the person that we're going to miss the most." As opposed to Kay Yow the what, exactly? Kay Yow the beanie baby?

10:12 - That seemed like a pretty quick halftime for some reason. Although it actually lasted longer than Duke's number-one ranking.

10:16 - Friend-of-the-site Bryson has concluded that Jordan DeMercy and Deividas Dulkys are the first white dudes to play for the Seminoles since Bob Sura. He's also concluded that if Bob Sura himself was actually playing in this game, we wouldn't stand a chance.

10:34 - Dave: "Roy and my dad have the exact same 'flabbergasted face.' Although I guess there are only so many ways to express that particular emotion."

10:45 - Nothing like surrenduring the lead because Wayne falls on his face at midcourt. Dave says he thought that Roy got rid of all of those slick logos.

10:54 - I can honestly say that Tyler's fourth foul was--without question--the worst call I've seen since Raymond fouled out against Villanova in the Sweet 16.

10:59 - Hard to believe that a man as gentle and mild-mannered as Ryan Reid could foul out of a basketball game. Shocking.

11:06 - Karl Hess is officially the Ron Cherry of ACC Basketball. I defy you to find two worse officials than those two egomaniacal clowns.

11:10 - We're gonna lose this crap.

11:17 - Haha. Seriously? Wow.

While opening someone else's mail is considered a federal offense in some circles, we couldn't resist the opportunity to read the contents of this particular note when it ended up in our possession...

Dear Leonard,

Ok, this worked last year, so we're going to give it another shot. When the Tigers played in the Dean Dome a year ago, I told Dave that I was going to watch the first half at my house, and if we were trailing at halftime, I'd come watch the second half at his place. We did trail at the half, so I went to his house, watched it get worse, and then watched an astounding comeback. So we've decided to enact the same strategy tonight.

9:11 - Virginia Tech is missing enough free throws to make this interesting, but it looks like Wake is going to take a step toward making it possible for us to still win the ACC. Not crazy about scoreboard watching this early in the season.

9:13 - Apparently scoreboard watching was a bad idea as I missed the first two minutes of our game.

9:17 - Does Terrence Oglesby seem like he should be older than a sophomore, or is the receding hairline just that deceptive?

9:18 - On the text message machine, Dave says that looking at Oliver Purnell now compared to when he took the Clemson job is like looking at the difference between a president at his inauguration compared to his exit from office.

9:22 - The Hokies held on, so it looks like Duke could be the top-ranked team next week. How very exciting.

9:23 - I don't know what he's going to look like when he comes out of the locker room, but if we're lucky, we'll get to add this one to that epic list--Bloody Montross, Bloody Felton, and now...Toothless Tyler.

9:26 - Tyler (evidently not toothless, best I can tell) just came back in and took a charge from Tanner Smith. For those of you that don't follow this kind of thing, Tanner was named the ACC Preseason Most Caucasian Name of the Year. He's still the favorite to win the award at the end of the year, although BC's Nick Mosakowski is giving him a run for his money.

9:29 - Loose tooth, but not a missing tooth. Not gonna lie, I'm a little disappointed.

9:31 - The pace of this game has turned suddenly furious. It's kinda like watching an N.C. State intrasquad scrimmage, except the exact opposite.

9:35 - Dave just called Oglesby a "poor man's Steve Blake." Wow.

9:44 - It occurs to me that I haven't yet heard Dick Vitale reference Tim Tebow. Maybe I haven't been paying attention.

9:50 - Just remembered that I really need us to be leading at halftime. Dave lives way too far out in the middle of nowhere. And it's cold. If I have to go over to his place, I won't be a happy man. Dick Baddour will be hearing from my Congressman.

9:56 - My boy Storholt (friend of the site turned ESPN student sideline reporter) with yet another national TV appearance. Dude is a rock star. No wonder he won't return my phone calls.

9:59 - Nice. Big bucket for Wayne to ice the half. No halftime traveling for me.

10:16 - Vitale and Mike Patrick just shared a cute little moment together. Dickie was blathering about something, then he just stopped while he and Mike awkwardly sat there and gazed into each other's eyes. Mike mumbled something about how it was good to be working together again. For a fleeting second, I thought they were going to kiss.

10:23 - We just played the best defensive possession I've ever seen us play. More of that, please.

10:35 - Friend-of-the-site ARoc has always claimed that Oliver Purnell is a closet alcoholic, and he's convinced that games like this are the reason.

10:44 - It's been painful to watch Tyler tonight. Seems like he's ended up on his back at least twice per possession.

10:53 - Text from ARoc: "Did Wayne get passed over for a scholarship to Clemson or something? He always plays like Oliver touched him inappropriately on a recruiting trip or something."

11:01 - I wish Lebron hadn't done that Cleveland Browns commercial. Bad decision. In fact, the only worse decision I can think of off the top of my head is when the Bobcats drafted Alexis Ajinca.

11:08 - 54 in a row. Good night.

This preview is going to be a little unorthodox, but let's be honest - if you wanted orthodox, you'd go to one of the plethora of other websites covering Carolina athletics. Or to a Catholic church in Greece.

Instead of writing paragraph after paragraph of little known facts about Clemson University or telling humorous anecdotes about the boys from Tiger Town, this preview is simply going to list the odds of various - somewhat unlikely - events. The reason will become apparent when you get to the end. For now, just read on.

And now, the moment you've been waiting for...

Assuming each team has a 50% chance of winning each individual game, the odds of the University of North Carolina men's basketball team winning 54 consecutive games in Chapel Hill against Clemson University (a feat the Heels will attempt to accomplish Wednesday evening) are 1 in 18,014,398,509,482,000. That's one in 18 quadrillion, in case you're having trouble reading that number.

Threw you off a little with that statistic, didn't we? You were expecting to see something along the lines of "the odds of Clemson winning a game are 0%" or some similar comment. But as it turns out, that's not true. Statistically, with each passing year, it becomes more and more likely that the Tigers are going to leave the Dean Dome victorious.

Of course, one thing that statistics fail to take into account is "the curse." Typically, in sports curse situations, there's a reason for a team's ineptitude. The Red Sox suffered through 86 years of the Curse of the Bambino. The Cubs have been trying to deal with the Curse of the Billy Goat for quite some time now. Sports Illustrated curses everyone that graces its cover. For Clemson, there is apparently no reason for their horrible luck in Chapel Hill, but that doesn't change the fact that they simply can't win in Chapel Hill.

Wednesday night's game tips at 9 p.m. (just like every other game involving the Tar Heels this season) and will air on ESPN. If you have a good explanation for Clemson's curse, feel free to email us with your suggestion. Otherwise, just be sure to remember that at the conclusion of the game the chant is:

"You can't win here." Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap.

A few mildly coherent thoughts from Saturday night's win over Miami....

Guarding the Wrong Body

Inexplicably, Rece Davis has a bodyguard, while Erin Andrews does not.

Erin has but a little errand girl who carries her notebook around for her and goes to get her bottles of water and such. But Rece has a guy who looks like Michael Clarke Duncan (that's the big black dude from The Green Mile, or--to those of you who prefer a higher caliber cinematic adventure--Ricky Bobby's crew Chief in Talladega Nights). He basically plays fullback for Rece, plowing through crowds and "gently" asking people to kindly step aside so Rece can move from one destination to another without much hassle.

Evidently, though, having a body guard doesn't make one as easily recognized as you might think. The Dean Dome staff had gone to great pains to reserve seats for the entire ESPN Gameday crew, and one overzealous seat enforcer politely asked one gentleman to move to another seat so that the Gameday crew could come take their rightful places. The only problem? The gentleman was Rece Davis. His response to her request to vacate wasn't audible, but suffice it to say that she walked away with her proverbial tail between her legs.

The Fountain of Youth

If you look closely, you'll find some glaring inconsistencies in the lives of your typical Dean Dome attendees.

Some of these folks have spent hundreds, or in many cases, thousands of dollars trying to make themselves look younger than they really are. Bad toupees, liposuction, Just for Men gel, botox, surgically-enhanced mammary organs...you name it, you'll find it in the Dome. But when given the opportunity to act a little bit younger by doing wild and crazy things like, say, cheering along with the students from time to time, these folks would rather sit there like bump on a pickle.

(Full disclosure: The Danny Green/Ed Davis block party did get the fogies on their feet for a while).

My Pal Lennie

Lennie Rosenbluth wants to be your friend.

It's true. Even if you've never met him, just make good, solid eye contact with him for a couple of seconds, and he'll promptly come over, pat you on the arm, and ask how you've been. Either he goes out of his way to speak to everyone he sees because he's petrified that he might accidently snub an old acquaintance, OR he knows that anyone bold enough to make eye contact with such a legend as himself deserves a pat on the arm.

North Carolina State University filed a lawsuit against the municipality of Salt Lake City, Utah late Friday evening. The suit alleges that Salt Lake City violated the intellectual property rights of the University by throwing a parade for a team that did not win the National Championship – something that the Wolfpack claim they were the first to do following the 2003 Gator Bowl.

N.C. State Director of Athletics Lee Fowler issued a statement Friday night, stating that “defeating Notre Dame in the Gator Bowl was one of the defining moments of Wolfpack football. Watching another school attempt to steal our thunder and throw a parade just for winning the Sugar Bowl is disheartening to say the least.”

The suit seeks unspecified monetary damages, a personality for Tom O'Brien, and requests that the judge issue a moratorium on all future celebratory parades unless a school wins the BCS Championship Game.

Athletic director Chris Hill has urged the judge to drop the “ridiculous” lawsuit and allow his team to have their parade in peace. “We just won the Sugar Bowl to cap off an undefeated season. I think we’ve earned the right to celebrate our accomplishments without dealing with a frivolous lawsuit,” Hill stated.

The suit is somewhat shocking, as N.C. State’s administration and fans have long argued that the event that took place after the Pack’s victory over Notre Dame was not actually a parade. Explanations of the event have ranged from “impromptu gathering of revelers” to “coincidence.”

The University of Utah has filed a countersuit on Salt Lake City’s behalf, accusing N.C. State of defamation of character.

“Comparing a team that finished fourth in the nation in the Coach’s poll to a team that finished fourth in their conference is just insulting,” said Utah head coach Kyle Whittingham. Adding "we are not N.C. State."

Utah’s countersuit requests an apology from N.C. State and the BCS to force the Florida Gators to play the Utes at a neutral site to crown a true BCS Champion.

John Paul Jones Arena. Who knew that Led Zeppelin's bass player went to UVA? With every day that passes, it becomes more and more apparent just how prestigious that university is.

9:09 - Bill Raftery is in building. All is well. ONIONS!!!

9:10 - Tyler gets more haircuts than any white guy I've ever seen. He's probably like the little old lady who drives herself to the beauty salon once a week. I bet he sits under one of those big hair dryers too.

9:12 - Wow. Nice little pass from Ty to Danny. Benji missed it because he has his face buried in an overcooked waffle covered in sugar-free syrup. But he stands by his decision to have his face buried in his waffle.

9:21 - Raftery just said that Danny "uses the glass beautfilly.". Bryson says that means Danny is very adept at performing the "pressed ham maneuver."

9:28 - Dave wants to know if that's a prosthetic leg that Will Graves is sporting. Evidently Ed Davis lost some bizarre wager whereby he had to sacrifice his t-shirt so that the material could be used for Gravy's one sock.

9:30 - Friend-of-the-site Dan points out that, in fact, Ed and Deon simply traded outfits--Deon's now sporting a t-shirt; Ed is not. Gravy's missing sock is just a product of the floundering economy. Who can afford both socks?

9:43 - Just saw Ed dribble in the open court for what might have been the first time in his career. I don't care to see it again.

9:51 - Louis Farrakhan's boy seems to be a decent player, but I foresee the Cavs struggling on nights when he insists on shooting only at baskets that point toward Mecca.

9:55 - Friend-of-the-site Aroc wants to know how long until Tyler is an ESPN announcer. Boy, that would be fun, wouldn't it? Speaking of people who weren't born to be behind the microphone, please take a few moments to enjoy this interview with Refrigerator Perry.

10:22 - I think Raftery does his commentary from a Mad Lib.

10:30 - We're pounding the Cavs right now, so allow me to take a brief interlude. Dave's brother Mark is presently in basic training with the Air Force, and I'm guessing it's not the most pleasant experience of his life. Don't misunderstand, Mark is considerably tougher than Dave, but that's not really saying much. It's kinda like being the hottest girl on Duke's campus. At any rate, in an effort to make Mark forget about the pounding that his feeble Staley frame is taking right now, Dave is mailing him content from this very site for his enjoyment. So please indulge me as I tell Mark a joke to brighten his day. Ok, so a carrot, a tomato, and a cucumber walk into a bar, and say, "We'd each like a beer, please." And the bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

10:47 - Tyler just passed Christian Laettner to claim fifth place on the list of ACC career scoring leaders. Laetter is no doubt devastated by this, but I'm sure Brian Davis is consoling him with a back rub as we speak.

10:56 - You know what this team needs? Rashad McCants. Not sure why that just occurred to me.

10:59 - Tyler just drilled his third three-pointer of the season. Dave Pasch is touting that as the skill that's going to make him a successful NBA player.

11:06 - And that's your ballgame. Out of the ACC cellar we go. How very exciting.

For the biggest game of the season thus far, I've called in reinforcements to help me view from the couch. CWC Senior Historian Benji Cauthren is on hand, as is friend-of-the-site Bryson. Dave will, as always, be close at hand on the text message machine.

7:58 - Apparently the new FoxSportsSouth HD channel doesn't have a great deal of programming, so we're watching the test pattern right now. As you might surmise, the anticipation is palpable.

8:05 - Dino, I know you're busy, but you could shave before you sit down with the Fox cameras for an interview.

8:11 - The Wake students look to be excited. Don't they realize that losing in Winston-Salem is simply one of the feats we require of our national championship teams?

8:19 - You won't believe this, but Tyler is breathing out of his mouth.

8:23 - Roy often gets a lot of credit (and deservedly so) for his questionable selection of ties and/or blazers. But I think Joe Holladay doesn't get the attention he deserves when it comes to his poor wardrobe choices. Tonight he's wearing a tie with several colors that shouldn't even be in the same room with each other and a bluish/gray blazer that he must have borrowed from Sylvia Hatchell.

8:32 - I wish someone along the way had given Ty the nickname "Scoot."

8:38 - Quote of the night so far: "And Tyler Hansbrough's eyes are glazed over like he means business!" That's always been the easiest way to tell whether or not someone means business. Glazed-over eyes.

8:47 - Dave says he's never been a fan of announcers using the term "chops." I would tend to concur, unless they're referring to Kris Lang's facial hair.

8:49 - They say a man should always dress for the job he wants. So why'm I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant? (You're welcome).

8:58 - Tyler just saw that a cross-court pass was headed for Bobby so he stepped in and intercepted it before Bobby could get his hands on it. Evidently, he anticipated that Bobby was going to chuck up another brick.

9:22 - Dave says he lost his first-ever Wii tennis match during the halftime break and he hopes that it's not an omen. Since I can only imagine that he lost to his wife, I'd say it's an omen that he's a pansy.

9:34 - There are times when I utterly adore William Graves. Then, he'll do something that makes me detest him. Then he'll do something that makes me utterly adore him again. I usually experience this myriad of emotions in a span of about 15 seconds.

9:38 - Ok, Mr. Ref. We've noticed that you're officiating our game tonight. We see you. Stop calling fouls.

9:46 - Gotta be honest...this is a pretty good game.

9:50 - Gotta continue being honest...Karl Hess is doing everything he can to make this game not so good.

9:59 - Quote of the night number two: "Danny is seeing green tonight!" Someone pass me the mute button, please.

10:06 - Wow...sick dunk by James Johnson. Of course, he followed it up by falling on his back and then promptly fouling out of the game, but pretty sick nonetheless.

10:06 - Dave theorizes that Ed and Gravy turned pro at halftime, because we haven't seen them on the floor in a while.

10:17 - When Tyler hit that three at Duke his freshman year, that was one of my favorite moments. But I'm not crazy about him taking a three in the waning moments of a game like this.

10:26 - Oh, Gravy...why must you give us false hope?

10:29 - Well, thanks to Jeff Teague and Jake Delhomme for making this a terrific weekend in the world of sports. Thank goodness tomorrow is Monday. That always brightens things up.

8:58 - This night has not gotten off to a great start for me from a centsports.com betting point of view. I won't bore you by listing each of the 24 games I've missed thus far.

9:00 - Glad Roy didn't schedule Harvard this year. They would eat our lunch.

9:10 - Kristin claims Fox Sports South has an HD channel. I've never seen such a thing, but I'm going to have to look for it at the under 16 timeout, because I just mistook Ty Lawson for Ed Cota.

9:14 - Can't find the HD channel to save my life. Meanwhile, Cota just missed a floata.

9:19 - Larry Drew II is now doing his own impersonation of Mr. Cota - he just made a fantastic touch pass alley oop to Deon Thompson.

9:21 - Every time I look up Deon Thompson is dunking the ball. No exaggeration. Every time. Where was that on Sunday?

9:31 - Bobby Cremins looks very scholastic with his glasses (scholastic = dorky).

9:36 - The CPA in me would like to point out that we're averaging three points per minute through 15 minutes of action.

9:43 - Nice entry pass from Hansbrough to Danny Green. Wow, it's even more weird to read that than it was to watch it happen.

9:46 - Next time the CPA in me wants to make a comment, I'm going to remind him that the last time he did we only scored eight points in the final five minutes of the first half.

10:04 - I wish Roy had given tonight's halftime speech on Sunday evening. 11-0 run to start the second half.

10:08 - Tyler just gave his defender a piggy back ride. Literally.

10:15 - We've had an explosion of points in the first six minutes of this half, but nothing all that noteworthy has occurred. Sorry about that.

10:20 - It's finally happened. Tyler has grown weary of getting hacked for the entire game every game. I'm not convinced that letting his displeasure show makes him a better player, though.

10:25 - We just forced a shot clock violation. Second one of the game, if memory serves. That's really the only thing slowing down our offense.

10:31 - Ed Davis just "lead a fast break." He was in such a hurry to get rid of the ball, Ty had to slam on the brakes and put it in reverse just to catch the "pass." If you saw the play, you'll know I'm not overusing the quotation marks in this entry.

10:43 - It's really phenomenal that the Cougars haven't given up 100 points in a single game since 1977. Or hadn't, anyway, until that layup Larry Drew II just dropped in.

10:49 - The walk-ons are in so early tonight that they may need a sub before the final horn sounds.

10:53 - That'll do it. It's amazing how much less time a 38 point game takes than a game that's actually close.

Sunday night, one of two things happened. Either North Carolina lost to Boston College because I failed to write a preview before the game, eliminating Roy Williams and his staff's preparation materials, or North Carolina lost to Boston College because I made my first appearance of the 2008-2009 season in the Dean Dome. Either way, North Carolina lost to Boston College, and I am to blame, so I apologize profusely. Coach Williams, what follows should help you out on Wednesday evening.

I suppose I should also apologize to all of the College of Charleston fans who are reading this. I'm sure you were thrilled to death to finally be able to play the number one team in the nation. Hard to believe that a school with a basketball history as illustrious as the Cougars' has never faced the top ranked team in all the land, but that is the case. It'd be one thing for the C of C to take a 40-point whipping to the best team in the country, but taking a beating like that to the third ranked team in the nation will feel like just another day at the office.

Sorry if that comes across as a little rude, but I've still never really forgiven the Cougars for hitting that shot with a tenth of a second left in the 1998 Food Lion MVP Classic. Beating the Heels during TEATS* was fine - no ill will or harbored grudges there. But that weak put back against Guthridge's squad in Charlotte? Uncalled for. Unforgiveable. And kind of Lorenzo Charles-esque.

The College of Charleston is coached by former Georgia Tech coach Bobby Cremins. Carolina Water Cooler actually conducted a two hour interview with Cremins earlier in the week that we were going to link in this preview, but (unlike Jefferson-Pilot/Lincoln Financial Network) upon editing the conversation we quickly realized that only four people on earth could understand anything the man was saying, all of whom live in The Bronx and don't read this website.

Cremins accepted the job at the College of Charleston back in 2006, after Winthrop head coach Greg Marshall "pulled a Cremins" and backed out of a deal to coach the Cougars. For those unfamiliar with the story, in 1993 Cremins finally found a way out of the smogfest that is Atlanta and accepted the head coaching job at his alma mater, South Carolina. Three days later, he drove to Columbia, took a look around, and decided he'd rather have pollutants slowly eat away at his lungs than ever live in Columbia again.

The Cougars are lead by sophomore guard Andrew Goudelock, who's averaging 17.9 points per game so far this season. The Cougars have three guards in their sophomore class, each of which stands 6'1". At 190 pounds, Jordan Turok is a shade undersized. At 205 pounds, Donavan Monroe is a smidge overweight. But at 200 pounds, Goudelock's juuuuust right.

Not only will the Heels be looking to bounce back from their first loss of the season on Wednesday night, but they'll also be trying to finish up the non-conference portion of their schedule undefeated. The regular season portion of it, anyway. They'll have to wait until April to polish off the remainder. That's right, fresh off a pretty bad loss, and still spouting National Championship blather - that's what you come here for, right?

Wednesday night's game tips off at 9 p.m., just like all but three of Carolina's remaining weeknight games (two of which are at 8 p.m.). Tickets still remain for the contest, but they're only available for individuals who don't have to leave early to get to work on time the following morning. An odd, but true, stipulation.

*The Eight And Twenty Season - just pretend it never happened.

If you're here looking for something truly inspirational to make you feel better about the loss, we'd recommend that you come back and visit us another time. Perhaps after a win.

1) What exactly does one receive in exchange for being the "official game sponsor?" Best we can tell, they get an introduction over the PA system and a picture at midcourt with Rick Steinbacher where they're handed a basketball (which they don't get to keep), and then they're never mentioned again.

2) There's a guy at the end of BC's bench who, from the side, looks exactly like Marcus Ginyard. But from the front, he looks exactly like Steve Urkel. Of course, this is better than Al Skinner, who looks like a largemouth bass (Micropterus salmoides) from any angle.

3) They did a great job hiding the scars whenever they did Tyler's frontal lobotomy. Dude doesn't change expression much.

4) Apparently you can't get chili on your hot dog at the Dean Dome. Inexcusable for the flagship university of any state in the Union.

5) What exactly does BC have to do to move up to "university" status? Campbell, Elon, and Lenoir-Rhyne have all graduated from college to university, but the Eagles are still languishing away at the college level. Not entirely sure what the difference is, but if L-R decided they were too good to be a member of the "College Club," it's probably time to figure out how to get yourself off of that sinking ship.

6) The median age of Dean Dome attendees is now an impressive 64.7 years. This is the first time in history that this number has been higher than the median age found at the Chapel Hill Bingo Club, and it's getting uncomfortably cloes to the median age at the local mortuary.

7) Despite the frustrating loss, there is some good news for Carolina fans from a culinary perspective. Much like the Bojangle's "two biscuits for a dollar" promotion, 35 Chinese on Franklin Street has agreed to give 50% discounts on their new menu item called "Tyrese Rice." This offer is only good the day after the little fella scores 25 or more against the Heels.

8) Less than five minutes into the game, the announcement was made that Ty Lawson had just scored his 1,000th point as a Tar Heel. Unfortunately, this announcement overshadowed another milestone that had been reached just a few minutes earlier--when Danny Green waddled out onto the court to start the game, he officially surpassed Raymond Felton as the most bow-legged player ever to don a Carolina uniform. Raymond was on hand to see his record broken.

9) Take a close look at the outline of the state in the middle of the floor. Look at the Tennessee border. Not even close to reality. The Wilmington area is also more than a bit questionable.

10) If asked, we would happily donate a Priceless Gym t-shirt to each recipient of the Priceless Gem Award. Marc Davis, for instance, would have looked stunning in one on Sunday night.

11) All of our wins have still been by 15 or more points. Really glad we didn't come back and win by two or three. Would have totally ruined the season.

What Roy said after the win over Rutgers.
What Roy wanted to say after the win over Rutgers.

In some ways it's an unusual game. In other ways, it's very predictable: we can play great and win the game, or we can play mediocre and win the game. I felt like that we weren't doing a very good job defensively and they were making every shot. Literally every shot. First time in the history of this building that a team has shot 100 percent from the field and still lost. Yet I don't usually watch the scoreboard, but every time I look up we were up 14, 16, 18; something like that. I guess that's because we were playing Rutgers. But, I think the game was backboards and the fact that we were able to turn them over. Turn them over on our knee, that is. You guys have heard me say before that the toughest thing defensively is to keep the other team's field goal percentage down as you gamble. Kirk Hinrich was the only youngster I've ever had who could actually keep the other team from making shots while he was playing poker.

I thought Tyler was sensational--six assists and zero turnovers. I'm not counting the time that they called a travel on him, because clearly those officials were State fans. Those are the kinds of things that we need him to do. Assists, not travels. We still haven't shot the ball very well in any game and I still think sometimes in practice we make every shot. But seriously, can you imagine what things would be like if we did shoot well in the games? My goodness. So, we're going to have some nights we'll shoot it better and hopefully have some nights that we'll defend better and still do the job about getting them to turn it over and still do the job we did on the backboards tonight. Of course, we still have another month before we'll really have to do any of that. But, it's a good win; we're pleased about that. We were playing Rutgers, so I can't really call it a good win. I told Fred he's got some young kids, but they've really upgraded the level of talent from what it was three years ago. You might even say that they have six times as much talent. Of course, zero times six is still zero.

Barring Tyler Hansbrough breaking both legs and both arms on his way to the Dean Dome, the senior will become Carolina's all-time leading scorer sometime during the contest Thursday evening. The current record-holder, Phil Ford, will be in attendance to see his record broken, and after the game a huge celebration is planned. The details of the ceremony are being kept under wraps, but word on the street is that someone in the Smith Center will win one million dollars. So get your ticket today.

What Roy said after the win over Oral Roberts
What Roy wanted to say after the win over Oral Roberts

It makes our coaching staff feel very good because we need some practice time. Our staff doesn't even like the games. They're too much fun. We actually prefer practice instead. That's how good we are. We feel happy about the win, but it was probably the least efficient we have been all year. Except at Midnight Madness. We were throwin' the frickin' ball away that whole night. I think you have to congratulate Oral Roberts because they kept coming at us. And just to clarify, I mean that you have to congratulate Oral Roberts himself. You know, that dadgum televangelist. He really had his youngsters ready to play. That was probably one of the better games in Oral history. Get it? Oral history. It's a dadgum pun. Jarvis made a bunch of shots and I think their post players played well and did some things we did not want them to do. Jarvis was a lot better than everybody expected and I'm sure those guys at Carolina Water Cooler are ticked off that they picked us to cover that 37-point spread.

We were not sharp at all. I used the word "gol-durn" at halftime, and that didn't even help. We were not very good defensively at all. Fortunately we average 100 points a game. I guess we should have expected it. They are Oral Roberts after all. The last nine days we have had two practices and taken a lot of exams. And we all know how mentally exhausting exams can be. Did you know that's why Duke lost to Michigan? Because they were tired from exams? True story. We were just more gifted, playing at home and won the game for those reasons. And the fact that their guards threw some passes that would have made Brian Morrison look like Steve Nash. Again I think you have to congratulate Oral Roberts to outscore us in the second half. By himself. Not good news to me to give up 50 points in the second half. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday we have to get back and go to work. All our guys will probably lose 25 pounds apiece next week. I have been pleased with what we have done defensively on the floor, but not tonight so we have got to get back and go to work. But the good news is that we don't have to play anymore televangelists until that mid-February matchup against Jimmy Swaggart. But I could give two flips about that game right now.

Scholar: I have to tell you...I'm tickled pink to see the Heels get a chance to play in the Meineke Car Care Bowl.  To me, this is the second best bowl an ACC team can attend.  The first is obviously the Humanitarian--because who could turn down a trip to Boise to play on that famous smurf field?  But the Meineke Bowl is a close second.  You're probably wondering how I can say that this bowl is better than some of the other ACC tie-ins, such as the Peach and Gator.  The reason is two-fold:

First, the game is played in Charlotte, the Queen City.  The queen is the second most important person in the castle (behind only the jester), so it stands to reason that a bowl played in the Queen City is the second most important bowl.  In fact, the bowl was officially certified by the NCAA as the Queen City Bowl prior to obtaining a sponsor.

Speaking of sponsors, that leads me to reason numero dos.  This bowl is sponsored by Meineke Car Care.  Do you know who the spokesperson is for Meineke Car Care?  George Foreman.  George Foreman is clearly the best spokesperson related to any of the ACC bowl tie-in games.  Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl?  George Foreman grills those Chick-Fil-A cows on his George Foreman Grill. Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl?  Seriously?  Gaylord?

Gentleman: Being relegated to the Meineke Car Care Bowl is a disaster.  Just think of all the exotic locations that are more appealing than Charlotte...

At the EagleBank Bowl in our nation's capital, the football team could have had the opportunity to go hunting with Dick Cheney, just as the basketball team got the opportunity to play basketball with Barack Obama several months ago.

At the Motor City Bowl, Trimane Goddard and Garrett Reynolds could have capped off their college experience by standing in the streets of downtown Detroit while federal helicopters fly over, dropping bags of bailout cash available to anyone who can get their hands on it.

At the International Bowl, some of the non-NFL prospects on our team could have at least gotten a look from scouts for the Toronto Argonauts.

But what is the team going to do in Charlotte?  Take a visit to Discovery Place in between tours of banking buildings that are now largely unoccupied?  Yeah, sign me up for that.

Scholar: How dare you put down Charlotte! The "704" has been nothing but good to you. Hakeem Nicks now gets to play what will likely be his final game in a Tar Heel uniform in his home town. You make it sound as though Discovery Place and a failing banking industry (while awesome) are the only things the Queen City have going for it. You conveniently left out Carowinds and the Bobcats.  Need I go on?

And I believe you've grossly over-estimated the enjoyment one would get out of taking a visit to your "exotic" locations.  Why would the team need to take a hunting trip with Dick Cheney?  They already shot themselves in the foot in games against Maryland and N.C. State, so getting shot in the face wouldn't be all that new of an experience for them.  And Trimane and Garrett have no reason to go to Detroit and stand out in the bitter cold just to catch some of the bailout cash--they've already instructed Mike Copeland and Tyler Zeller to bring some of it back for them after they make the trip in April.

At least we've spent the last week relatively confident that the Heels would be headed to the Car Care Bowl.  Would you rather have spent the last 7 days pacing back and forth in your living room mulling over a 6-6 record only to discover that you've been invited to a bowl located in Birmingham, Alabama?

Gentleman: Birmingham is a delightful town. Didn't you realize that they recently began allowing black folks to sit anywhere they choose on public buses? Wait, maybe that's just in Montgomery...

I will say that it could have been worse. The Car Care Bowl isn't the worst bowl...in fact it's only second worst. The BCS Championship Game actually ranks lower. At least the winner of the Car Care Bowl has an undeniable claim to the title "Car Care Bowl Champion." The winner of the BCS Championship Game will constantly have to deal with people telling them that they're not legitimate national champions...

It seems that the ACC/Big Ten Challenge can at least be called the "ACC/Big Ten Moderate Dispute." Still several levels away from actually being a "challenge," but we'll call it progress for the Big Ten. Hopefully we won't screw up our end of the deal.

9:10 - So I guess Wake isn't as good as we thought. They're only beating Tom Crean's squad of Caucasian misfits by 30.

9:19 - Don't we have Jimmy V Week at least six times a year? I'm almost positive that I see his speech at least every other month. Or maybe, instead of a bunch of different weeks, the "week" begins at the ESPY Awards in July and doesn't end until spring when Dickie V goes on vacation to watch the Rays in spring training.

9:21 - We're just underway, and Tyler is already on pace for a 320-point explosion. That should get him back into the National Player of the Year discussion.

9:27 - Benji is eating brussel sprouts, and it smells like he cooked them in urine. So it's more than a bit difficult to enjoy our early 11-6 lead.

9:34 - Danny hasn't missed a three-point attempt since midway through his sophomore year. Dude is out of his mind.

9:43 - You know, it's entirely possible that we could score more points in this building tonight than the Lions will score here all season. I have no idea if that's actually true or not, but it sounds true.

9:48 - "Don't bring that weak tot action!" - Ed Davis, circa 9:48 EST

9:55 - Is Ed ever going to lose the t-shirt or is this something we're going to have to deal with his entire career? Benji suggests that maybe he has horrible back acne like JJ did as a freshman.

10:03 - Shulman just said, "Here comes the Spartans." Little bit of subject/verb disagreement there. Just wanted to point that out.

10:04 - Well, Vitale pretty much just guaranteed that Tyler will average 15 ppg for his entire NBA career. So, you know...no pressure.

10:17 - Ah, good. Some sappy piano music with slow-motion video of Jimmy V. Did you know that he died of cancer? And that he's apparently the only person in the recorded history of the human race that has ever done so?

10:28 - Roy nearly passed out again. One of these days he's going to go down in a heap on the court, rendering us unable to make fun of Coach K's fetal position. But hopefully Roy won't be wearing tennis shoes when he goes down.

10:33 - Here's my problem with the Jared Galleria of Jewelry commercial. You see, evidently this woman has been dating this guy long enough that he felt compelled to buy jewelry for her. Yet at the same time, their relationship is still new and exciting enough that she feels the need to send text message updates to her friends throughout the evening. Logic seems to be lacking here.

10:42 - Dave says that he was suddenly just overcome with a premonition that we're going to meet Duke in the NCAA tournament this year. Apparently he's not only stopped concerning himself with this game, but the rest of the regular season as well.

10:52 - Rasheed looks good in Carolina blue. They should have traded him to the Nuggets with Chauncey Billups so he could finish his career in the appropriate color. Either that or make him dye his gray spot blue.

11:04 - There have certainly been Carolina teams better than this one, but I don't recall a time when we were this good, and the rest of the NCAA was so bad.

11:07 - Looks like Vitale made it to the 5:24 mark in the second half before his first Tim Tebow reference. Pretty impressive that he held out this long. Benji has been waiting all night for that.

11:22 - Did we win? I stopped paying attention. But only about three more months until we play a worthy opponent.

At halftime of North Carolina’s game against Michigan State on Wednesday night, we urge you to take a moment and reflect on the first 25% of the 2008-2009 regular season. That’s right, midway through Wednesday’s contest we’ll be a quarter of the way through basketball. Seems like it just started last week.

If the Heels can manage to play the Spartans even in the first half of action, they’ll have won or tied every half of basketball they played in the first quarter of the year. Thus far they’ve outscored their opponent in every half except the second twenty minutes of the Penn, Oregon, and UNC-Asheville games, which they tied. Just kidding - Carolina actually more than doubled the Bulldogs in each half on Sunday evening. But the Penn and Oregon part is 100% true – despite winning those games by 15 and 29 respectively, the Heels merely played their opponent evenly in the second half of those two contests.

Wednesday’s game, however, could be the toughest of the young season for the Heels. That seems unlikely given the 18 point drubbing that Maryland handed to Michigan State on Thanksgiving, but it’s probably accurate considering that we can say with absolute certainty that you won’t see Luke Harangody whining about having pneumonia during this game.

Speaking of pneumonia…remember that time when Shavlik Randolph had mono? The two illnesses aren’t really related, and we don’t necessarily have anything to add to the Shav story, we’re just sorry this site wasn’t around to make fun of him while he attended Duke.

But back to Wednesday night’s opponent. The Spartans have a pretty tough schedule this season. Not only do they play some quality non-conference opponents – Maryland (who wouldn’t have made this list if they hadn’t already defeated MSU), North Carolina, Texas, and Kansas – but, according to their official website, they also end the season with two games at Illinois, three games at Indiana (admittedly, not an upper echelon team this season), and two home games against Purdue.

In a shocking departure from protocol, this season North Carolina will play on a “neutral court” (in the same sense that Greensboro is a neutral floor when the Heels play Illinois) while the Duke Blue Devils will play a true road game in the ACC/Big Ten Challenge. To our knowledge, those two events have never occurred in the same Challenge. Mostly because Duke has never played a road game in the event.

Sadly, by the time the Heels and Spartans tip off Wednesday night at around 9:15, the Challenge will already be decided. The ACC typically takes the title (how’s that for alliteration?) before the second night concludes, so playing in the late game on night number three is really just a formality. Carolina will be playing for pride, however, as they’ll look to improve to .500 (5-5) in the event.

Changing the subject a little, but who is the last top notch collegiate player you remember coming out of Michigan State? Mateen Cleaves? Us too. Cleaves graduated a good while ago, so the Spartans are probably due for a star sometime in the next decade or so. In case you’re wondering, no, we don’t count Drew Neitzel as a “top notch collegiate player.” Of course, you could probably take it a step further and say that Mateen Cleaves wasn’t a top notch collegiate player, either. In which case, you’ve got to go all the way back to Magic Johnson to find one.

Wednesday’s game will be played at Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan. This is bad news for the Spartans, as the home team at Ford Field hasn’t won since the Lions defeated the Chiefs on December 23, 2007. If you live in Michigan and miss your chance to see the Heels at Ford Field Wednesday, don’t worry…they’ll be back April 4, 2009. Of course, by then the venue will likely be renamed Toyota Field.

I've arrived home from my Thanksgiving travels just in time for kickoff. I''ll be beginning this View and Stillman will be here as soon as the posted legal speed limit will allow. I'll likely hand over the reigns to him at halftime. Or maybe we could alternate every two entries a la Curry and Durant. We'll play it by ear. Or nose, in Stillman's case.

3:34 - Excuse me for what I hope will only be a few moments while I attempt to put our Christmas tree in the stand.

3:40 - Touchdown, Duke. I'd love to tell you what happened, but ESPNU was too busy showing a replay of the previous play. Got the tree in the stand, by the way.

3:41 - There are apparently some Duke fans in attendance...I can hear them doing their "go to hell, Carolina, go to hell" chant. You stay classy, Durham.

3:48 - No worries. Shaun Draughn just scampered for a first down. And then another first down. And then a touchdown. And suddenly we're on pace to see both teams score 56 points in regulation.

3:57 - How inexcusable for Deunta Williams to drill the Duke receiver like that. If only we had more polite gentlemen playing safety like we did during the Bunting Era. Not only would those young men allow you to catch the ball and then allow you to run to the end zone unimpeded, but they'd meet you there with tea and crumpets for a post-touchdown celebration. Ah, the glory days.

4:03 - Funny story...in fact, you probably won't even believe this, but Shaun just fumbled. I know, I was as surprised as you were. You'll also to be shocked to hear that Duke ran it back for a touchdown. 14-7.

4:14 - We're still on pace for a 56-56 game at the end of regulation. Technically, each team is on pace for 63.7 points, as there's still 1:41 to play in the first quarter, but I'm banking on neither team scoring again until quarter two. Plus I have no idea how one acquires seven tenths of a point.

4:20 - What luck. No more points in the first quarter. So now each team is officially on pace for exactly 56 points. Or eight touchdowns. However you want to look at it.

4:23 - For some reason, ESPNU sold "Mighty Putty" an infomercial in between the first and second quarters. It's been going on since my last entry.

4:31 - Dinner is served (a smidge on the early side). Might be a while before another entry - my mother always told me to never type with my mouth full.

4:38 - Shaun is now playing the Blue Devils one on eleven. He's actually holding his own quite well.

4:48 - Hmmmm...touchdown Nicks? I don't think he caught it. Did he catch it? He caught it?!? Touchdown Nicks! That was impressive. He went all David Tyree up in here.

5:00 - At the beginning of the game, I was really worried about the Eron Riley/Jordan Hemby matchup, but strictly from a pass coverage perspective. As it turns out, I should have been more worried about it from a street fighting perspective, as Eron just tried to stomp a hole into poor Jordan.

5:14 - I'm now officially turning over this View to Stillman, though he's actually already written four and a half entries. Free Priceless Gym t-shirt to the first person who can accurately guess which four and a half.

5:17 - I just received a phone call from friend-of-the-site Jeff, who said, "What do you think about this game so far? It's just the typical Carolina/Duke game. Carolina is doing anything they want on offense, but Duke is scrapping and clawing and doing anything they can to stay in the game. But Carolina is just having their way on offense." Now, can anyone tell me why he started that dissertation by asking me what I thought?

5:29 - Hakeem is now a 1,000-yard receiver, but Dave is predicting that later today he's going to catch a screen pass that goes for negative six yards, bringing him back to an even 999 yards for the season. ::sigh:: You know how sometimes at a party, a guy will walk in and start being generally obnoxious and bring all of the laughter and happiness to a screeching halt? Well, Dave is that guy when it comes to football.

5:42 - Garbage. Kendric Burney just lit up Eron Riley and got a penalty. Again, if only we had the tea and crumpets crew, Duke would be punting right now. Also, speaking of Eron, that's how Chinese people refer to Elon University. I'm sorry, that was inappropriate.

5:50 - Gregory Little has made some delightful catches today. Incidentally, he also has an extraordinarily long neck.

5:57 - TOUCHDOWN RICHARD QUIINN!!! Well, that's nice. Good way to send out the big fella. You know, assuming we don't blow this 8-point lead.

6:07 - Greg just likes to hand the Blue Devils their collective hind parts, doesn't he?

6:13 - So let me get this straight--we dominated Georgia Tech, who today beat Georgia. We also lost to Virginia, who is one of two ACC teams not going to a bowl. Alrighty then.

6:25 - ESPNU commercials are just terrific. Every product I've seen today can cure AIDS, but only costs $19.99. (Of course, that's only if you call right now).

6:41 - Is it just me, or does this look all too familiar? Duke is driving, they're probably going to score with :08 to play. Of course, they'll have to go for two, and Kentwan Balmer will show up and sack Thad Lewis before anybody even knows what's happening. So it should all work out in the end.

6:46 - I've grown weary of being on the edge of my seat during football games against Duke. Although, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.

6:47 - And once again, Trimane Goddard seals it with a pick. Extra credit for running out of bounds and falling on his badonkadonk.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm in the booming metropolis of Statesville for the night. I've been in town since a dental appointment this morning. No cavities!

10:00 - I just defeated my father as quickly as possible in a game of pool so that I could be in here in time for tip-off...and wouldn't you know it, the Magic-Sixers game is taking its sweet time to end.

10:06 - So not only do I have to watch an NBA game instead of the first few minutes of our game, but I also have to see J.J. Redick and Elton Brand on my (parents') television?

10:13 - In the first two games of this tourney, Ty Lawson still hasn't played a total of 40 minutes. Last time we won the Maui, Raymond Felton played 216 minutes in the first two games.

10:15 - Kristin is in Greensboro at her parents' house and has texted to say that the cable in their den is out, so she's watching the game from the kitchen on the teeny tiny TV. It may be a 13 incher (that's what she said). Twenty bucks says she goes to bed before halftime.

10:20 - I can't tell if I'm watching two really good teams or two really bad teams. One second you'll see Notre Dame hit a spectacular three followed by Lawson sprinting the floor for a "BLOW BY!" The next second, we try a stupid cross court pass that gets picked off only to see the Irish blow an open layup.

10:24 - Not gonna lie...it's pretty frustrating to hear the announcers say things like "Zeller with the rebound" or "nice look for Zeller" or anything else that includes the word "Zeller."

10:28 - Tyler just lost his contact. First time this season. I bet it won't be the last.

10:31 - The Irish just kicked a field goal to cut our lead from 28-21 to 28-24. Oh, sorry, wrong sport...we've already beaten Notre Dame in football this year.

10:40 - DEON THOMPSON! WHAT A DUNK! Wow. Sorry to have yelled in your ear like that.

10:42 - This Luke Zeller fella...is he Tyler's older brother or is he his father? I ask because it appears he's got quite a bit of male pattern baldness going on.

10:46 - My dad is taking orders for Thanksgiving breakfast. I'm either going to have a gravy biscuit with a side of bacon or a chicken biscuit. Depends on whether he goes to the little coffee shop up the street or to Bojangles. Anyone want anything?

10:52 - I was hoping to be up 30 at the half like we normally are in Maui, but I'll settle for 10.

10:53 - Kristin's off to bed. I owe everyone $20 since she made it until halftime. How about in lieu of me paying everyone, all of you just buy t-shirts instead?

11:06 - My brother, Mark, has decided to join me for half number two, now that he and his fiancee have finished watching some movie called Hellboy 2. I highly doubt it was more entertaining than the first half of this game, but he's pretty whipped, so I don't think he had a choice.

11:12 - For some reason, when I hear "Harangody" I think "mahogany."

11:16 - Moments ago Tyler was called for a phantom walk. The officials promptly made up for it by allowing Danny to stop dribbling at midcourt but continue running all the way into the paint.

11:20 - Sometimes I feel sorry for Jay Bilas when he tries to have an intelligent basketball discussion with Bill Raftery.

11:28 - This Harangody character kind of sucks. Surely he's sick or something, but the announcers haven't mentioned that he's under the weather a single time. Not once.

11:32 - Thirteen rebounds for Ed Davis. Not this game - just on that one play.

11:37 - Hansbrough just flushed it to put the Heels up by 23. With that, my brother is calling it a night. With no fiancee to blame that on, we'll just have to say it's because he's a pansy.

11:48 - Have we scored since Mark went to bed? It's now just an 11 point lead. If they cut it to single digits I'll go wake him up.

11:53 - Notre Dame has no interior defense. None. If we make an entry pass, you can go ahead and put three points on the board (they foul pretty much every time).

11:57 - Had we lost this game, we'd be adding McAlarney to "the list" of players who single-handedly buried us. Luckily, we're going to win this game, and he'll instead be added to the Tyrese Rice "nice try" list.

12:01 - The University of North Carolina would like to thank Chaminade for continuing to invite us to the Maui Invitational despite our complete domination of the event.

9:31 - Sean McDonough, Bill Raftery, and Jay Bilas. Don't want to set my expectations too high, but this might be the greatest announcing team that's ever done one of our games. A little kiss!

9:34 - Here's the risk that we take by not playing Tyler: If something happens and it ends up being close, and we decide that we need him later in the game, then it's going to look like a move of desperation and make the other four guys on the court hit the panic button. It's a lose-lose situation.

9:39 - Somehow it's taken me four games to mention this, but what's up with Marc Campbell's hair this year? It's like a deadly combination of Dante Calabria, Matt Wenstrom, and Ponyboy from the Outsiders.

9:45 - I think Will Gravy had both hands above the square when he dunked. Mad rise.

9:48 - Dave is now officially a gambler. He finally figured out how to make bets online, became a member of this site, and took Chaminade +31.5. Knowing how easily he gets addicted to stuff, I'm going to recommend that you keep a close eye on CNN for the next six months as they'll probably be reporting on the congressional hearings for the David Staley Bailout Plan.

9:57 - Roy just looks too comfortable in that casual Maui attire. Some coaches (ok, all of the other coaches in America) look goofy in a Hawaiian shirt, but Roy looks like he was born to be on vacation. Benji says that he's surprised that Roy hasn't scheduled us to play a game in Scotland so he can play golf at St. Andrews.

10:05 - I actually really like the idea of Dave betting on games. I'm already rooting hard for us to win by exactly 32 so that he'll lose by a half a point.

10:09 - Dave wants to know if it's just him, or if Bobby's shot is a little off, which has sent me to TarHeelBlue to find out just how off he is. The verdict? Two-for-14 from the field, and 1-for-9 from behind the arc. And he's only missed two more so far tonight. So I'd say it's just Dave.

10:18 - I'm thankful for Danny Green. And with that said, it seems like a great time to remind you of our Thanksgiving Sale on Priceless Gym t-shirts. Buy two shirts for just $22. Or, if you only want one shirt, you can buy just one for $22. (We try to be as accomodating as possible).

10:23 - Dave already regrets taking the Silver Swords and the 31.5 points.

10:26 - In the halftime feature, Roy just used the phrase "Jiminy Christmas." Glad he cleaned it up for the cameras.

10:38 - Bobcats won. Ray dropped 23 to go with his seven rebounds and five assists. Also, the big French dude started and scored 2 points. Looks like he could end up being the Bobcats version of Neil Fingleton.

10:41 - Speaking of Fingleton, we've obtained a current status update on the big fellow from Benji after his trip to New York a couple of weeks ago. While he was there, he told a girl he went to Carolina, to which she replied, "Oh, do you know Neil Fingleton? I went to Holy Cross with him!" As it turns out, Fing is presently hanging around New York trying to make it as an actor. Benji says that he could get a role as the villian in the next Austin Powers movie.

10:46 - Dave says he wants a Shamwow for Christmas. Actually, that should be Chaminade's mascot. The Chaminade Shamwows.

10:51 - We're beating the tar out of Chaminade, that's why I'm talking about Fing, the Bobcats, and Shamwows. Danny Green just threw down a one-handed alley oop, causing Bill Raftery to have a seizure on national television.

11:02 - Barring a miraculous Silver Swords comeback, Dave is going to be out four cents on this game. Did I mention that's what he bet? Four cents. His first ever internet wager, and he couldn't come up with a nickel.

11:06 - Benji says that since they don't have Bojangle's in Hawaii, everyone in the gym gets a roasted pig if we break 100.

11:09 - To paraphrase Ron Burgundy: "Ladies and Gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen. Bobby Frasor just hit a three-pointer."

11:19 - Justin Watts is currently running around with a bunch of short, white people. That's a good sign that we can call it a ballgame.

Talk about a weekend chock full of Tar Heel athletics. There is a veritable cornucopia (how’s that for a Thanksgiving reference?) of Carolina sporting events for fans to choose from. As a side note, do you think people who follow the Jayhawks ever have an opportunity to say “chock full” and “rock chock” in the same sentence? That would be awesome.

Where to start, where to start? So many games to choose from. We should probably just rank them in order of importance.

1. Women’s Soccer vs. Illinois

By far the most important contest of the weekend will be played on Fetzer Field Saturday evening. Anson Dorrance and company will face the Fighting Illini as the Heels look to win their 19th NCAA Soccer Championship, and their first since 2006. Yes, 2006 was just two years ago, but when you’ve won as many titles as Carolina, enduring a full year of not being the defending champs is an eternity.

The winner of Saturday’s contest will move on to face either Florida or Texas A&M for a chance to advance to the College Cup (a.k.a., Final Four). The Heels have yet to allow a goal in the NCAA Tournament this year, with shutout victories over both Western Carolina and Charlotte. Of course, neither of those teams were coached by the great Bruce Weber, so Carolina will have their work cut out for them this weekend.

2. Volleyball vs. Florida State

The Heels take on Florida State in a game with serious conference implications on the line. This game is similar to the football team’s game against Maryland last weekend. Here’s hoping Carolina doesn’t lay an egg like they did in College Park.

In other news, if you ever find yourself looking for a picture that could easily be captioned “the luckiest guy in the world,” look no further than this year’s Seminole team photo.

3. Men’s Basketball at UC Santa Barbara

Look at that – a horn of plenty reference in paragraph one and a Santa reference in an opponent’s name. Talk about getting into the holiday spirit.

The Heels will battle the Gauchos Friday night at 10 p.m. EST in a game intended to be a warm-up for the Maui Invitational that begins on Monday. If you’ll remember, the last time Carolina made a stop in Cali on their way to Maui, they lost to Santa Clara (again with the Santa thing). Of course, they also won the National Championship that year, so a loss Friday wouldn’t necessarily ruin the entire season. Another season-ending injury, on the other hand, could accomplish that feat.

4. Swimming and Diving at Gamecock Invitational

We don’t know too much about Swimming and Diving here at Carolina Water Cooler, but a quick glance at a few pictures from throughout this season has quickly shown us that you can put a swim cap and goggles on pretty much every guy and make him look like Michael Phelps. Nearly typed “Derrick Phelps” right there, which would have rendered the statement incredibly inaccurate.

Due to our limited knowledge of the sport – our knowledge being that we know it requires water – it’s hard for us to know exactly how consequential this match is. But considering that it’s being held in Columbia, South Carolina, and we can’t think of a single significant athletic event to ever be played in the Palmetto State, we’re going to have to rank this one pretty low on the list.

5. Wrestling at the Sprawl and Brawl

The fact that there is still so much wrestling season left to go meant that we weren’t even going to preview this matchup. Then we saw that the name of the match was the “Sprawl and Brawl,” and we couldn’t pass that up. We don’t even have anything to add to the title, we just wanted to say “Sprawl and Brawl” on this website. Plus, now we can say that we’ve previewed every sporting event of the weekend, even those in which the Heels are playing the most trivial of opponents.

Stillman's View from the Couch: Kentucky
11/18/08

9:01 - Oh Dick Vitale. It's been so long. Not nearly long enough, but it's been so long. The good news is that we should be getting a healthy dose of both Erin Andrews and Ashley Judd.

9:05 - And the first game of the season is underway. (Full disclosure: I don't count games that aren't in HD as real, actual games).

9:08 - Dave points out that Deon is averaging a shot every 30 seconds. Fortunately, I don't recall him missing one.

9:11 - Good work, Bobby. That missed layup should give us some good locker room quotes for at least two weeks. Although, since Bobby is usually the best quote, I guess it would have been better if somebody else had missed it.

9:13 - Friend-of-the-site Bryson has requested that I not hate him for this, but he's secretly hoping that Kentucky pulls out a victory and inspires Ashley Judd to have a Brandy Chastain moment on national television.

9:19 - It's 25 to 6. I don't even know anybody from the state of Kentucky, but I'm already picturing how awkward it's going to be if I ever meet someone from there. It's that bad. Dave says he's glad that he couldn't figure out how to place a bet on Kentucky +16.

9:27 - Deon has lost so much weight in the last two years that I've mistaken him for Reyshawn Terry three times tonight.

9:30 - I don't mean to sound like a completely unrealistic message board geek, but I'm fairly certain that we could beat the Celtics. If not the '92 Dream Team.

9:36 - I'm suddenly concerned that Deon is going to declare for the NBA draft. At halftime.

9:46 - It occurs to me that we're going to need a good way to differentiate between Tyler and Tyler when both of them are active. "Hansbrough" and "Zeller" just sounds too formal. We could use "Lil' Tyler," but I don't know if that should refer to the younger Tyler or the shorter Tyler. For now, let's just go with "Tyler (the old one)" and "Tyler (the young one)."

9:57 - Bobby Knight's eyebrows have always been interesting, but they're just completely out of control this year. I'm pretty sure they've become a habitat to several small rodents.

10:06 - Dave points out that the eyebrows are particularly odd because not many of them are white, while every last hair on his head is white. Strange.

10:15 - Bryson states that, based on appearance alone, Tyler (the young one) looks like he should be playing for Duke. I'd like to passionately argue to the contrary, but I'm having trouble disagreeing. Fortunately, the fact that he's a big man with actual talent precludes him from being able to play for Duke.

10:24 - Don't misunderstand--I'm well aware that Tyler (the old one) is a relatively important part of our team. But did Dick just downgrade us "a top 20 team" without him and make it sound like a compliment? Surely I heard that wrong.

10:48 - Dickie now on the record telling us that Kentucky will make the NCAA tournament.

10:52 - Remember when Deon was kinda pudgy, relatively passive on offense, and essentially a non-factor on defense? Me neither.

10:58 - I know it was foolish of me to think this, but I honestly thought that ESPN would be able to broadcast tonight's game (a basketball game between North Carolina and Kentucky, mind you) without subjecting us to a Tim Tebow Lovefest. Sadly mistaken.

11:00 - Great. Tyler (the young one) just shattered his wrist and will have to sit out until halfway through his junior season. This is getting out of hand. It's almost like Tom O'Brien is coaching our team.

11:05 - That's the ballgame. And probably the season. I'm expecting Ty, Wayne, Danny, and Ed to crash into each other at practice tomorrow, causing Wayne to miss two weeks with a severe concussion, putting Ty in a body cast until May, and leaving both Danny and Ed in a coma until 2012. Worst game ever.

It’s official. College basketball season is upon us. The little warm-up against Penn was nice and all, but now it’s time for the big boys to come out and play. ESPN is getting everyone geared up for round ball with their First Annual College Hoops Tip-Off Marathon. The event begins with Memphis hosting Massachusetts for a midnight EST (11 p.m. Central) tipoff and will be capped off by your very own North Carolina Tar Heels hosting the Kentucky Wildcats.

Between the ESPN family of networks, 14 games will be aired during the Marathon. There will even be a special one hour edition of College GameDay originating from Chapel Hill. One of the highlights of the program? The Kansas Jayhawks hoisting their National Championship banner. Here’s hoping Roy wears his sticker again!

Since he’s going to be in town for GameDay anyway, Dick Vitale has agreed to grace the Bulls Head Bookshop at the UNC Student Store with his presence. It will be interesting to see who gets booed more – Dickie V or the kid wearing a Duke jersey on the sportsmanship commercial at the football games.

But the biggest boos of all will likely be reserved for Tuesday night’s opponent. Last season, Billy Gillispie won his first game as the Wildcats’ head coach before his squad suffered an embarrassing home loss to Gardner-Webb. This year, he opted not to goof around, and instead led them to the embarrassing home loss in their first game of the season as Kentucky fell to VMI in Rupp Arena on Friday. Despite scoring 103 points, topping the century mark for the first time in nearly five years, Kentucky managed to find a way to lose, allowing 111 points in just a 40-minute game.

The loss, coupled with Carolina’s season opening victory over Penn, allowed the Heels to gain a game on the Wildcats in the all-time wins race. While Carolina fans only think about this statistic once a year (when they play Kentucky), Wildcat fans wake up every morning and go through the record books with an abacus – or, for the more technologically advanced Bluegrass State residents, a slide rule – to verify that they still have more wins in their history than the Heels do. Occasionally during this daily ritual someone will stumble across 10 or 15 wins that no one had noticed before. The current tally shows Kentucky with 1,966 wins and North Carolina bringing up the rear with a mere 1,951. Tuesday night, one team will get the opportunity to tack on another victory.

The Tar Heels will enter Tuesday’s contest a little short handed. For the second game in a row, Tyler Hansbrough, Marcus Ginyard, and Mike Copeland will be unavailable due to injuries. While Copeland (torn ACL) and Ginyard (stress fracture in foot) are still recovering from serious injuries, the rumor in Chapel Hill is that Hansbrough is at nearly 100% following a stress reaction in his shin, but he is refusing to play so that he doesn’t risk further injury and hurt his stock in the 2009 NBA Draft.

With that Tyler on the bench, it’ll be up to another Tyler (Zeller), along with Deon Thompson and Ed Davis, to stop the greatest player in the history of Kentucky, nay, collegiate, basketball – Patrick Patterson. Though, after pee-pee (or does he pronounce it P.P.?) only managed to scrounge up eight points (of a possible 103!) in the Cats’ season opener, the Heels may want to consider guarding Jodie Meeks, who put up 39 against VMI on Friday night.

Tuesday night’s game will air on ESPN at 9 p.m. following the special edition of College GameDay. Thanks to Barack Obama’s victory in North Carolina, Ashley Judd will be sitting in the student section for the game. And that’s something that people of all political persuasions can get behind…whether she wears Carolina Blue or not.

After our Scholar/Gentleman piece earlier this week, I decided to compromise with Stillman. I’ve already watched the first half of the football game live. It is now halftime, and I’ve switched to the basketball game on DVR. When the second half of the football game starts, I’ll flip back to that. When they finish on the gridiron, I’ll beright back here to finish up my View from the DVR. You can just call me Iron Man.

5:08 – I hope there’s not 10 minutes of pregame stuff for me to wade through before tip-off. Otherwise, I’ll barely make it to the first TV timeout before the football game resumes.

5:12 – Only four minutes of pregame junk before the game started. Of course, I fast-forwarded through 30 minutes or so of commercials.

5:14 – Oh good. We lead 2-0, just like in the football game. (My apologies to the basketball firsters who are reading this View from the DVR before Stillman’s View from the Couch of the football game. I’ll try not to spoil any more of the results of that game for you.)

5:16 – And now we trail by a point. I’d be more nervous if the stupid folks on ABC hadn’t shown us the score during the football game. We were winning 37-28. Sorry to ruin this for you, too.

5:19 – Alright, TV timeout numero uno. Might as well just switch back to the football game since halftime is nearly over. Here’s hoping ABC doesn’t show the final score of this game during the second half.

I’m back. And I’d just like to thank Stillman for convincing me to watch the football game live. I have no regrets whatsoever. If you haven’t read Stillman’s article yet and therefore don’t know who won the Maryland game, I’ll keep you in suspense on whether I’m being sincere or sarcastic.

6:53 – We look a little rusty. Probably because the entire team is injured. But I’m sure the fact that it’s our first game has something to do with it also.

6:57 – Larry Drew II kind of looks like Q.T. Not so much in physical appearance, but just in the little things. Like the way he catches the inbounds pass after a made basket and throws overhead passes and things of that nature. Also because he’s wearing number 11.

7:02 - It’s actually kind of difficult to get into the flow of a basketball game immediately after watching a football game. Especially such a fantastic game. (Again…serious or sarcastic? You just don’t know.)

7:04 – Since I never watch sporting events on DVR, I almost forgot I could fast forward through commercials. That would have been tragic.

7:10 – It’s 37-28. Thanks to ABC, I had no idea this would be the score.

7:15 – Much like the Drew/Q.T. comparison, it’s not all that difficult to spot some similarities between Tyler Zeller and Tyler Hansbrough. Maybe it’s just because this game isn’t in HD.

7:20 – Up 15 at the half. And apparently they’re going to be showing “highlights” from Black Sunday during halftime. I hate I’m going to be fast-forwarding through that.

7:24 – Kristin’s working a puzzle on the coffee table and now I have nowhere to put my plate. I don’t know why she can’t do her puzzle at the dinner table like a normal person.

7:26 – Terrific dunk by the Gazeller (that is what everyone will be calling him, correct?). I’d love to have he and Stillman stand side-by-side and see whose nose is bigger. Really hope ol' Tyler stays four years so I’ll have 48 months worth of nose material to hit Stillman with.

7:28 – Now that we’re up 20, I wonder if the folks in the Dean Dome are wishing they’d stayed home to watch the wildly entertaining football game instead. It’s amazing how many comments have the potential to mean two different things.

7:39 – Ty Lawson with a blind pass over his head to a wide open Deon Thompson for a dunk. That was cute.

7:49 – Fantastic bounce pass in transition by Danny Green. He looked like Cam Sexton out there.

7:55 – I’d say we won’t beat Kentucky playing this way, but if VMI hung 111 on them in Rupp how hard could it be?

7:57 – And a Quaker three pointer cuts the lead to 10. And Stillman said this would be a 40-point drubbing. Shows how much he knows.

8:00 – Easy Ed is quite the rebounder.

8:02 – Kristin finished her puzzle and she’s missing a piece. That’s a shame. It’s probably in the couch cushions.

8:07 – Roy looks thrilled. He must be listening to the football game with an earbud.

8:10 – Fifteen point win. I’ll take it. And, after four and a half hours of Carolina athletics, I’m spent.

North Carolina hits the road for the last time in the 2008 regular season this Saturday as they head to Chevy Chase Bank Field at Byrd Stadium in College Park to take on the Maryland Terrapins. Before you start sending in your corrections, let the record state that we’re aware the Heels technically end the season on the road against Duke…but we’re of the mindset that when you have more fans in the stadium than the home team you become the home team by default.

The Heels enter the game with a 7-2 record. The last time that happened, they were coming off a National Championship. Of course, that was in basketball. The last time they started 7-2 in football was probably during the Jim Hickey era. In other news – and this may have been discussed when he coached here – but while researching that statistic, we were reminded that Australia once had a serial killer named John Bunting. (No relation.)

Meanwhile, Maryland enters the game with a 6-3 record (4-2 ACC). The two conference losses have come to respectable teams in Virginia and Virginia Tech. If those two sound familiar, it’s because they both beat Carolina. Of course, the Heels lost to the Cavaliers by three in overtime, whereas the Terps were shut out 31-0 by Al Groh’s Virginia squad. Doesn’t sound quite so respectable now, does it? Games like that (and their 10 point loss to Middle Tennessee State) are why this Maryland team is often dubbed a “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” team.

A nasty rumor recently spread throughout the nation that that nickname stemmed from the fact that Ralph Friedgen was big enough to have eaten both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but it turns out that rumor was started by Charlie Weis. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Speaking of the Fridge, we’re pretty mad at that guy here at Carolina Water Cooler. After he guided his team to the embarrassing Middle Tennessee State loss mentioned earlier, we spent a perfectly good $7.95 on the domain name www.fireralphfriedgen.com expecting him to continue his losing ways. And then what did he do? He went out and beat California and a slew of other teams. The guy is a disgrace to Ralph’s everywhere, including Dave’s dad.

This game has major implications for both the Coastal and Atlantic Divisions. With Virginia Tech’s loss on Thursday night (thanks, Miami), the Heels now control their own destiny. If they win out, they’re off to Raymond James Stadium in Tampa Bay, Florida to represent the Coastal Division in the Dr. Pepper Pepsi Coca-Cola ACC Championship Game. Of course, if they don’t win out, they could find themselves playing in the equally prestigious San Diego County Credit Union Library Johnson & Johnson’s Poinsettia Bowl. Similarly, the Terrapins also control their own destiny. Sadly, both teams can’t win out since they play each other this week. So we’re going to need the Heels to go ahead and take care of business Saturday.

This weekend also marks the start of basketball season. The pride of the Ivy League will head to the Dean Dome at 4 p.m. on Saturday and patiently await their whipping from the (likely) Tyler Hansbrough-less Heels. We don’t have the time, space, or desire to do the kind of in-depth research on the Quakers that you just got on the Terrapins, so just re-read last year’s Penn preview to prepare (nice alliteration, huh?) for this weekend’s contest. Surely they can’t have changed all that much.

Tickets to both the football game and the basketball game are still available. Feel free to purchase tickets to them both. Since the games take place at the same time, you’ll only be able to attend one of them – but Carolina Water Cooler will get a hefty commission.

Gentleman: No other option? I can only hope that Butch Davis isn't saying, "Hmmm...let's see, I could stay at Carolina, make two and a half million dollars, and coach in front of fans who care enough to watch my team play during the commercial breaks of a basketball game against an Ivy League school...OR I could go to Tennessee, make four and a half million dollars, coach in one of the biggest stadiums in America, and have more teeth than anybody else in the state! There's no other option!!!"

I won't even try to delve into the misguided mindset that one must have to consider themselves a "basketball firster." But for this particular situation, suffice it to say that if you elect to watch an insignificant game that your team is guaranteed to win, instead of a truly meaningful contest with an unknown outcome, you should probably see your family doctor to determine just how severe your testicular fortitude deficiency is.

The football game begins half an hour earlier. Am I really to understand that you'll begin watching the significant game, only to abandon it thirty minutes later in favor of a game that's sure to have you yawning before the second TV timeout?

Also consider time management. Watching a basketball game on DVR will seem like it takes almost no time at all. After speeding through the commercials and halftime, your viewing time might be less than an hour. And in a game against a team called the "Quakers," you'll probably find that you're mostly just interested in the highlights anyway.

But if it pleases you, by all means, enjoy the forty-point drubbing in a game that has no bearings on a shot at a conference championship. The more virile among us will be spending our Saturday afternoon with a game that has some implications.


Scholar: Before we go any further with this debate, we should probably work on your reading comprehension. I never said I'd be watching the Maryland game during the commercial breaks of the Penn game. I said I'd watch the basketball game live, followed by the football game on DVR.

What Butch Davis said after Carolina's win over Georgia Tech.
What Butch Davis wanted to say after Carolina's win over Georgia Tech.


Obviously we were thrilled to win the game. I start almost every press conference after a win with this same sentence. It's true--just go back and check the records. This is the first time our football team has played an offense like Georgia Tech, and trust me before the game, you have no idea what could happen. I'm glad that we don't have to play against an offense like that very often. It can be hard for the fans to stay awake--especially at a noon kickoff. As I said throughout last week and this week, the buzz words were assignment football and with the exception of one big, long run near the end of the ball game I was very, very pleased with our defense. Did you hear me yelling "Bruuuuuuuuuuce" on the sidelines? Good times.

On the running game:

I thought Shaun Draughn and Ryan Houston were equally effective and a big part of the game being able to run the football, move the chains, make some first downs, punish the defense a little bit and punch it in. I kinda feel bad for Shaun, actually. He has to do all of the work up and down the field while Ryan sits over there drinking orange juice or something on the sidelines until we get inside the ten yard line. Then Ryan goes in and scores. Is it fair? No. Does anyone care? Maybe Shaun's parents--but they're probably fine with it too. Certainly the running backs are part of it, but the offensive line, Richard Quinn, Bobby Rome...you've got to give them certainly some credit. Remember how bad all of you thought our offensive line was at the beginning of the season? Well, they're sure playing some hairy-chested football now, aren't they?

On Hakeem Nicks:

He loves to compete. He loves the fact that no one in this league can compete with him. He loves to play. He likes playing now more than he liked playing for John Bunting. Just sayin'. What the fans and the media see on Saturday is just a minor glimpse into what we see during the week. Every single day during practice, he runs his routes like that, he makes circus catches. He's a great leader. You do realize that there's no chance that he returns after this season, correct? I heard a rumor that some people out there think he might stay for his senior year. Haha. Good luck with that.

On wearing navy uniforms:

At this school, we will always be Carolina blue. Dick Baddle, our athletic director, told me to say that.
There will never be a question about the color of the uniforms. Mister Battar told me to say that too.
Maybe once a year we'll have a little bit of diversity. Dick Bannour is not opposed to diversity. The recruits love it, the players love it, it probably makes Nike happy. And as long as all of those people are happy, Mister Dick Ballance, our athletic director, is happy too.

North Carolina’s bye week last weekend couldn’t have come at a better time. It allowed the Heels to get some much needed rest after what has to this point been a grueling 2008 campaign. Not only that, but due to some pretty embarrassing gaffes by their opponents, Carolina was able to move up in the polls without having to take the field. The most recent data gathered by the Associated Press shows that the Heels are now 19th in the rankings (margin of error +/- 4 positions) and boast a solid approval rating among supporters.

The Heels were also able to use the off-week to prepare for Georgia Tech’s unique (read: tricky to defend) offensive style. The Yellow Jackets, much like Barack Obama, have a strong ground game, largely due to the use of the triple option. The Ramblin’ Wreck average 242.3 rushing yards per game. Butch Davis plans to redistribute some of those running yards from the Jackets to the Tar Heels this Saturday. On the other hand, Tech only averages a mere 108.7 passing yards per game, which is only slightly more than Hakeem Nicks racks up in a typical quarter of action.

Saturday’s game will be played in Kenan Stadium with fans surrounding the teams on three sides and one end zone remaining open. Georgia Tech had requested that the game be played in more of a “town hall” type format, with fans allowed to call plays from their seats. When the North Carolina administration would only agree to this if fans were also given whistles and allowed to call penalties, the Jackets flip flopped and decided it was best to go with the large arena format.

While this particular contest will not decide the winner of the ACC’s Coastal Division, the loser is virtually assured of being eliminated from contention. Like every other team in the Coastal Division (except Duke), the Heels and Jackets each have two losses a piece – with both losing to Virginia and Virginia Tech. Whichever candidate for Division Champion emerges victorious Saturday will still have high hopes for heading to Tampa for the ACC Championship game.

While a potential ACC Championship berth is probably the biggest initiative on the ballot this Saturday, there are other contests further down the list which shouldn’t be overlooked. For one, there is the ACC Coach of the Year race. Butch Davis, in only his second season, has guided the Tar Heels to a 6-2 record and has them playing meaningful football in November for the first time in about a decade. Meanwhile, Paul Johnson is in just his first season as head coach of the Jackets, but has them ranked and commanding respect from their opponents. Whichever coach leads their team to victory Saturday may also wrap up Coach of the Year honors in the process.

One of the more hot-button and divisive topics that will be decided on Saturday is actually a local issue that centers around what sport is more important in Chapel Hill – football or basketball? Kickoff Saturday is at noon, but at 5:30 the Carolina basketball team will play its first (and only) exhibition game of the year. If fans stay in their seats until the final second ticks off the clock in Kenan on Saturday, regardless of the score, it’ll be a major victory for all parties. It won’t mean football has become more important than basketball, but it will serve as valid evidence that the two sports are at least close to equal. But if fans roll out of Kenan at the conclusion of the third quarter just to wait in line outside the Dean Dome for a good seat to watch the Heels destroy UNC-Pembroke, everyone loses. Butch Davis will almost assuredly quit on the spot, and no one wants that. The only way to avoid that catastrophe will be through a truly bipartisan effort where fans of both sports stay in Kenan until the game ends.

Since Saturday is Homecoming, there is also an election for Homecoming King and Queen. Don’t ask Carolina Water Cooler who is running nor what their positions are. We didn’t do our civic duty by voting for that stuff when were attending Carolina, and we certainly aren’t keeping up with who the most popular people on campus are now that we’ve graduated.

Kickoff is at noon, so grab a breakfast burrito and be in your seat at least 30 minutes prior to kickoff ready to rock the vote (whatever that even means).

Here at Carolina Water Cooler, we receive all sorts of interesting emails every week. Often, those emails are somehow related to the content on our website. Occasionally, those emails are about...well...other things. Perhaps you'll enjoy the following "business" deal...

Hello My Name is Delbin Astrin contacting you for your products that I will like to purchase *Water Coolers* Kindly advise me on the types you have in stock and your method of payment . I will therefore want to pay with my Credit Card as soon as product list and confirmation of my payment is accepted.

Best Regards

Richard

_____________________________________________

Hello Delbin/Richard,

We have 3 different types of *Water Coolers* in stock, which range quite a bit in price. It all depends on what you are in the market for.

# The first type is your standard pitcher (easily stored in your refrigerator). These are inexpensive and typically run around $35 (plus shipping and handling) depending on the brand we have in stock at the time of your order. Filters must be re-ordered every 3 months through our website or your water will begin to have a urine tint to it.

# The second type is your sporting event cooler - like you see on the sidelines of youth soccer games. These cost a little more ($60 plus shipping and handling), but you never have to re-order filters (because the water isn't filtered) and the only time you get the urine tint is if you actually urinate in the cooler.

# The third option is the large water dispenser...it filters, it heats, it cools, and sometimes it even slices and dices! This is the most expensive option ($200) and cannot be shipped to anywhere but South Africa - and we don't sell to people that live in South Africa because earlier this year we won their email lottery and any sales we have in that country are now taxed in the 175% tax bracket.

Please let me know if you'd like any more information.

Sincerely,
Carolina Water Cooler

______________________________________________

Thank you very much for your reply and below are the information you need before you proceed with my order,i need 10pcs of large water dispenser and 10pcs of sporting event cooler,10pcs of standard pitcher  Kindly give me the total price of the units including taxes before i proceed with payment could you please give me the shipping rate.

Regards

_______________________________________________


Delbin,

That is a very large order!  Because it's so large, we may have to place an order with our supplier to fill the entire order.  It will probably take us 3 days to get in the shipment of the 10 pieces of standard pitcher and 10 pieces of sporting event cooler.  After that, we can ship these items to you.

For the standard pitcher, the charge will be $35 each for 10 pitchers, which totals $350.  For the event cooler pitcher, the charge will be $60 each for 10 coolers, which totals $600.  That's a total of $950, but because you are ordering in bulk and you seem like a nice guy, we'll make it an even $1000.

We must then add shipping costs - before I can tell you how much we will charge for shipping, I will need your shipping address.

As for the large water dispenser, they are $200 each for 10 dispensers, which totals $2000.  As stated in my previous email, these cannot be shipped and must be picked up directly from us.

Also, with such a large order, I must inform you that these coolers are not labeled for individual resale.  These are strictly for personal use. You are not ordering on behalf of a company with the intention of reselling the coolers at a profit, are you?

Thanks for your interest,
Carolina Water Cooler

________________________________________________

Dear Sir,

Thank you very much for the time and patient you had with me regarding this order and your patient is highly appreciated .However i will like to recommend you to a freight company that i want to use for the pickup of the order I dont want you to ship the order for me ,so below is their contact details just contact them now and get back to me with what they emailed you with and i mean the shipping quote. You have to put an attention on the subject as (shipping Quote needed) with that they will get back to you urgently so i will be waiting for your email after you hear back from them.

Company Name : custom Shippings
Contact Name:Zundis
Contact Email: bzundis@yahoo.com

Details they will require before the give the quote.

(1)Pickup Location Address, weight and quantity of Mechandise you want to ship.
(2)Delivery address  Below it is .

PO Box 3984 Dreggen
N-5035 Bergen
Postboks 144 N-1662
Norway

As soon as you contact them and when you hear back from them email me at your ealiest convinience so that we can proceed on with the order from there then i will make the payment as well .
Counting to your prompt response .
Delbin Astrin

_____________________________________

Delbin,

Regretfully I must inform you that our coolers can only be shipped via UPS due to a contract we have with our supplier, so this transaction must be terminated effective immediately.

It is also with deep sadness that I must tell you that recently one of my co-workers shipped 1000 of our most expensive coolers to an individual in Australia without receiving payment.  Before we could collect the monies due, the individual died, and now my company has gone bankrupt.

As of this morning, my company has gone out of business, and I am unemployed.

I am truly sorry we cannot fill your order.  America's economy is in horrible shape, so perhaps you should look for a cooler supplier in Norway.

I wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Thanks,
Carolina Water Cooler

___________________________________________

thanks one again for your quick reply and cooperation so far i called the shipping company i told you to contact and they told me they have not had from you could you please tell me of explain to me the reason why you did not contact them please try as much for me and contact me as much as possible.

Regards,

Delbin.

__________________________________________

Clearly this guy doesn't get it. Perhaps you'd like to contact him yourself with a business proposition of your own. In fact, we encourage you to do so.

delbinastrin@gmail.com

Good luck.

Dear Ronald,

On behalf of the University of North Carolina, its fans, players, coaches, and boosters, Carolina Water Cooler would like to apologize for the vitriol that’s been spewed in your general direction over the last several weeks. We’re truly sorry for screaming at you during games (from our seats in Kenan or from our sofas at home), any emails sent to the league office demanding that you be fired immediately, and any letters laced with anthrax sent to your home.

You’re so humble and unassuming, you probably haven’t even noticed what’s been going on around you. But we can assure you that there has been palpable hostility in the air during games you’ve recently worked. Little old grandmas who can’t tell the difference between Marvin Austin and Trase Jones have berated you from the stands in ways that would make a sailor blush.

It’s really all been one gigantic misunderstanding, and we accept full responsibility for the confusion. You see, at first glance, someone watching you officiate recent Carolina games would get the impression that you and your crew despise the Tar Heels and/or are completely incompetent. But upon further review, it’s apparent to us that you are so far ahead of your time you’ll never be appreciated until you’re gone. You are the George W. Bush of ACC referees.

For instance, when Hakeem Nicks was called out of bounds at the one yard line against Boston College Saturday, it was as if you’d already told your crew that in a few years the width of the field is going to be contracted in an effort to combat record-breaking high scores caused by more athletic offenses. When that occurs, we’ll go back and watch a replay of this week’s game and see Nicks clearly remain inbounds en route to a touchdown and say “yes, but on today’s field he’d have been out.” Being ahead of your time, you already know that.

Or in the second half, when Brooks Foster made a catch but was ruled down immediately after the reception. Yes, at the time you claimed it was because his knee was down (and congrats on your 20/5 vision, by the way – not many officials have the eagle eyes necessary to make that call from 50 yards away), but we know it’s because in the future if a receiver doesn’t catch the ball in stride, he will be ruled down at the point of the catch. You were booed mercilessly at the time, but highlights of catches exactly like Foster’s will be shown in the meetings when this rule change is announced as perfect examples of when to whistle a play dead. Just another example of you being ahead of the curve.

Like we said, your tendency to shy away from the spotlight and let the players take center stage in the game has probably allowed you to do your job without even noticing the rage coming from the stands. But we can assure you it’s been there, and we apologize again.

See you next time we play on Raycom (you’re so lucky – that’s where the ACC always puts the best officials).

Your pals,

Dave & Stillman

Cc: All other ACC schools, who are also misinformed in their thinking that Ron Cherry is completely inept.

If one weather-delayed game in Kenan Stadium this season just wasn’t enough for you, then you’re in luck… Mother Nature has another one planned for this Saturday! And no more of that non-enjoyable (sorry, Microsoft Word says “unenjoyable” isn’t a word, so non-enjoyable was the logical choice to remove the red squiggly line) summer-esque rain, either. No, this will be that pleasant, cold rain that’s always so fun to sit in for three and a half hours. Are you excited yet?

If not, just think about the memories this game will bring back to your mind. You can’t think of Boston College and not think of the Continental Tire Bowl, the last bowl game that the Heels played in. It’s hard not to smile when you think back just four short years to Carolina’s 37-24 loss in everyone’s favorite vacation destination – Charlotte, North Cackalack.

But the teams that will meet on Saturday are different teams than met back then. In the Heels’ case, they are clearly better now than they were in 2004. The coaching staff has improved (read: changed), the wide receivers are more talented, and the running game is…worse. But did we mention the coaching staff changed?

In the case of Boston College, they are, at a minimum, more overrated this season than they were during that fateful Tire Bowl matchup. They enter Saturday’s game ranked 23rd in the AP poll, following a moderately impressive victory over Virginia Tech last week. But, when your other four wins are against Kent State, UCF, Rhode Island, and N.C. State, 5-1 doesn’t sound quite as good as you might expect. And who knew Rhode Island had a football team? Carolina Water Cooler thought they’d disbanded all athletic programs after their 112-67 loss to the Heels in the 1993 NCAA Tournament.

Speaking of basketball, Late Night with Roy is this Friday night and festivities will commence at 5 p.m. with what’s sure to be a thrilling volleyball game between the Heels and whoever they’re playing. If you’re one of the millions of readers who took part in our Post-Columbus Day Special, please be sure to wear your Carolina Water Cooler Priceless Gym t-shirt to the event. If you’re not one of the millions of readers who took part in our Post-Columbus Day Special, you should see what we have in store for Post-Election Day!*

But you didn’t come here to read a preview of Late Night with Roy – which is good for us, because that last paragraph pretty much exhausted all the material we had in our arsenal on that topic (don’t worry, we’ll have plenty to say about the UNC-Pembroke exhibition game when the time comes). You came to find out more about Boston College. So where were we? Oh yes…this year’s Eagle team is better than its 2004 counterpart because this season’s squad is now associated with the lackluster ACC instead of the putrid Big East.

Just like Carolina, the Eagles have had a coaching change since the two last met (a 16-14 Carolina victory in Kenan Stadium, by the way). Tom O’Brien was wooed away from Chestnut Hill by the lovable folks in Raleigh, who promised him they’d wait at least two seasons before complaining about their record (they lied). Upon O’Brien’s departure, he was replaced by Jeff Jagodzinski – no relation to Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski. BC has carried on just fine in O'Brien's absence.

If you have a poncho, or you just like wearing soaking wet clothes, then this Saturday is the perfect opportunity for you to spend some time enjoying nature’s beauty while also taking in a football game. If you despise the elements, we’d almost advise you to stay home…but if you do, you’ll be forced to watch the game on Raycom. Have fun with that.

*Go ahead and buy a shirt now, we don’t actually have anything planned for Post-Election Day.

Just for the record, I'm fully prepared for a loss today. And by "fully prepared," I mean that Dave and I have been telling everyone we've seen all week long that we're going to lose. Yesterday, I even randomly selected a guy at the grocery store and informed him that we're going to lose. Turns out that he didn't really speak any English, but I think the message was still clear. We have no chance today. No chance.

2:14 - With the hopes of inoculating myself against the pain that I'm sure to experience later today, I'm keeping a close eye on the dumpster fire formerly known as Clemson Football. It's really a no-win situation for them--either they'll finish the season with a thud and struggle to find a new coach, or they'll win out, sign Dabo Swinney to a 12-year contract, and spiral into an era of Torbushian mediocrity.

3:06 - No luck for Dabo in his debut. And over on Raycom, it seems that the Dr. Jekyll version of Maryland showed up today. I could use a couple of consecutive Mr. Hyde showings so that we can get a little more traffic over on fireralphfriedgen.com. Great site, you should check it out sometime.

3:29 - Any guesses as to how far we'll make it into this broadcast before the first Thomas Jefferson reference?

3:37 - Finally underway. Wearing the navy britches again. Hopefully that means we'll be knocking the slobber out of people like we did up in Piscataway.

3:42 - Nothing like the good ol' almost-complete-then-nearly-picked-off-but-eventually-caught--for-a-first-down-by-somebody-else play. John Shoop is a genius.

3:45 - Looks like Shaun might end up being a 1,000-yard back after all. In the first half.

3:47 - TOUCHDOWN RYAN HOUSTON!!! Poor Shaun--he's only allowed to score if he can take it to the house before we get in the red zone. Dave texts to say that that'll probably be our last touchdown.

3:57 - It's now been a year and a half, and I still don't have a good nickname for Quan. This is probably the most disappointed I've ever been in myself. Well, except for that time that I saw Steve Wojciechowski at Home Depot and I didn't spit in his eye. But I'll never make that mistake again.

4:11 - Dave says that holding a 7-0 lead at the end of the first quarter means that we're on pace to lose 41-28.

4:19 - Pretty lucky call, right there. It looked like Jordan Hemby could have been convicted of assault and battery in 27 states, but the refs decided to pick up their flag. I'll take it.

4:32 - It doesn't necessarily feel like Virginia has momentum on their side right now, but we definitely don't have it on ours. If we can escape the first half with a 7-0 lead, I'll be content (while still maintaining the belief that we're absolutely, unequivocally going to lose this game).

4:44 - I'm sorry, WHAT? Dude just referenced the 23-0 game two years ago as the "game where T.J. Yates took over for Cam Sexton."

4:48 - They really screwed the pooch on the Aflac trivia question. We were supposed to name the seven NCAA football coaches (not including Butch and Groh) who used to be NFL head coaches. Their list? Pete Carroll, Rich Brooks, Dennis Erickson, Bobby Petrino, Mike Riley, Nick Saban, and Steve Spurrier. Just off the top of my head, I can tell you that they forgot Dave Wannstedt and Mike Sherman. Wouldn't be surprised if there are others. If the guy who researches the Aflac trivia question were a Republican presidential candidate, the fact-checkers at MSNBC would be soiling themselves with excitement right now.

4:50 - Halftime. Dave says we're now on pace to lose 52-10.

5:12 - Just thought of another coach they missed--June Jones. Wow, something about coaching the Falcons really makes guys want to go back to college...Jones, Petrino, Brooks, Jerry Glanville. And Jim Mora Jr. might end up with a college job soon. But I digress...

5:15 - Looks like Cam is trying to call up all of those memories from two years ago. Terrible, terrible interception to start the second half.

5:21 - I'm fairly certain that Virginia hasn't missed a field goal against us in at least 20 years. 7-3.

5:28 - Hakeem fumbles. I hate this town. I absolutely despise this town.

5:36 - So, Bruce Carter has expanded his kick-blocking repertoire to include field goals. Just another day at the office.

5:49 - It's been 13 minutes since my last update, so I just wanted to take a moment to check in and remind you that we're going to lose. Please make a note of it.

5:51 - Ok, let's think back to the game in '05 where we beat the Cavs 7-5 in Kenan Stadium. Well, here's Dave's theory on how this game will end: Final play, our ball, still leading 7-3. We try to take a safety to once again win the game 7-5, but this time we fumble in the end zone and they recover.

6:05 - Big throw from Cam to get us some breathing room on offense. I've unclenched my intestines, but only slightly.

6:17 - Great drive we have going here. We've already taken six minutes off the clock, and we might just get a field goal out of the deal. It hasn't been an easy drive--I've had to change pants three times--but that's what you have to do when you're a playmaker. And I'm a playmaker.

6:22 - CASEY BARTH!!! Heels lead 10-3! So I guess we'll have to go to overtime to lose this one? Well, at least that'll be something new and different to add to the Charlottesville annals.

6:28 - Well, they've marched down the field even faster than I thought possible. Can't watch. What exactly is the prevent defense supposed to prevent?

6:31 - Touchdown. Extra point blocked, but still good. 47 seconds to play. Phenomenal, just phenomenal. I could really use a Brandon Tate right now.

6:35 - Not even going to try to score. To overtime we go.

6:44 - Casey salvages the possession. Not feeling good.

6:46 - Ballgame. Surprise!

At Carolina Water Cooler, we write a lot of previews – an average of almost one per game. Typically, we stick to stating facts about the Heels’ upcoming opponent (things like “this is not the same Virginia team that lost to Duke 31-3 because they now have Cedric Peerman back from injury”). Occasionally, we discuss items relating to the Heels more so than the upcoming opponent (things like “Carolina still leads the nation in interceptions with 14”). But rarely do we make predictions.

The reason for this is two-fold. First, it would spoil the game for all of our readers. No one wants to watch a game for which they already know the outcome. Second, and more importantly, refusing to make predictions minimizes the amount of hate mail we receive. For instance, earlier this year we would have picked the Heels to beat Rutgers 43-12. As it turns out, the final score was 44-12. Thousands of people would have emailed to inform us we were incorrect, reducing the amount of time we could have spent producing informative content for the site – such as this preview.

However, this Saturday’s game is an exception to our rule. That’s because the outcome of this Saturday’s contest has been predetermined. (SPOILER ALERT: If you don’t want to know that Virginia is going to win Saturday, stop reading a sentence ago.) North Carolina is going to travel to Charlottesville. North Carolina is going to lose to the Cavaliers of Virginia. North Carolina is going to return to Chapel Hill. It’s happened on every trip to Charlottesville since 1981, and it’s going to happen again this year. That's not a prediction - it's a certainty. Go ahead and start coping with it now.

Since there’s no chance the Heels will win Saturday, in lieu of writing a column filled with “Carolina needs to find a way to replace Brandon Tate” and “Butch Davis really needs to prepare for Virginia’s 3-4 defense,” we’ve decided to do something more productive with our time and provide a list of things you could do that would be more entertaining than watching the Cavs win on Saturday:

Each of these options would be far less painful than watching North Carolina lose in Hooville. However, if you do choose to watch the Heels play on Saturday, we ask that you prepare yourself and your home for the destruction that will take place. Hide all sharp objects. Lock all second story windows. Require small children to wear earmuffs in your presence.

Again, and this can’t be repeated enough, we strongly encourage you to do anything other than watch Saturday’s game. It starts at 3:30 p.m. Please make plans to do something else during that time and avoid tuning your television set to ABC or ESPN2 (depending on where you live). If you can’t come up with anything, choose from the above list. But don’t subject yourself to the pain and anguish of watching a 5-1 Tar Heel squad lose to a 3-3 Virginia team coached by Al Groh. We’re begging you.

On Saturday, Notre Dame and head coach Charlie Weis will roll into Chapel Hill for a much anticipated battle against the Tar Heels. When we say Weis will “roll” in, we mean it quite literally. While his team will likely take a bus from the airport to Kenan, the Irish will save around three hundred gallons of gas if Weis just rolls behind the bus instead of loading his additional pounds onto the motor coach (that’s what buses are called in Disney ).

Despite what his tonnage might lead you to believe, Weis never actually played football at the collegiate level. This probably comes as a surprise to you given his offensive lineman-esque build, but it’s true. He does, however, have an “old football injury” story that he can tell when he’s trying to relate to recruits – earlier this season, a player ran into Weis as he stood on the sideline, tearing both his ACL and his MCL. The coach commented after the game that the incident made him feel like an athlete for the first time in his life.

Weis was just being modest, however. There are scores of reports detailing the incredible athletic accomplishments he achieved during his college career. Charlie is still widely regarded as one of the greatest sumo wrestlers ever born (of American descent). Because they graduated eight years apart, the world never got to see an NCAA title match between Weis and the University of Maryland’s all-time sumo champ, Ralph Friedgen…but what a sight that would have been.

At the conclusion of Charlie’s sumo career, he realized that the sport had caused him to be a tad bit overweight (nothing major, just a few extra chins and whatnot). In order to trim down, in 2002 he decided to have gastric bypass surgery. Judging from pictures, the surgery wasn’t wildly successful. And judging from the fact that Weis sued the doctors who performed the surgery for nearly killing him, it was apparently close to disastrous.

We know you came here to read a preview of Notre Dame football, but we felt we needed to dedicate the previous four paragraphs to a biography of Weis because he’s such a large part of the Fighting Irish football squad. No pun intended.

The Irish enter the game at 4-1 and have played a schedule similar to that of North Carolina (read: not awful, but not terribly impressive either). The lone loss for the Fighting Irish came at the hands of Michigan State. The Spartans, interestingly enough, have also played a fairly lackluster schedule. Does no one put together a decent slate of opponents anymore?

Last time the Heels faced Notre Dame, John Bunting was Carolina’s coach. That, combined with the fact that Brady Quinn was the quarterback for the Irish made for a pretty ugly outcome. Notre Dame won by a final score of 45-26, despite a 90 yard kickoff return for a touchdown by Brandon Tate. Hakeem Nicks also had a big game, with six catches for 171 yards. Just imagine what he could have done if Cam Sexton had been tossing him the ball instead of Joe Dailey.

Speaking of quarterbacks, Notre Dame’s signal caller is now one Jimmy Clausen. Clausen is the youngest in a set of the most highly touted three brothers to play college football since the Huards. One of the most interesting match-ups of the game should be Clausen against the vaunted Tar Heel secondary. That’s right, the adjective vaunted can now be used in front of the words “Tar Heel secondary” without ensuing laughter and/or ridicule. In fact, North Carolina now leads the nation in interceptions. They’ve already picked off 12 passes this year, which is approximately 12 more than they picked off in Dave and Stillman’s entire college career.

If you have tickets to the game on Saturday, you’ll want to be in Kenan Stadium well before the 3:30 kickoff. When history is about to be made, you want to show up early. And when Carolina beats Notre Dame for only the second time in 18 tries, it will be an historic moment.

Facing economic collapse after more than two decades of constant frustration and mediocrity in almost all aspects of athletic competition, North Carolina State University has turned to the Atlantic Coast Conference for help.

The school announced on Wednesday that it was officially requesting the assistance of the other eleven members of the conference, stating that the Wolfpack athletic department is "essentially insolvent" and "in great danger of disappearing from the college sports landscape."

Director of Athletics Lee Fowler held a brief press conference to address the matter and make his plea to his partner institutions.

"We don't know yet how much it's going to cost to fix this mess, and we don't even know how to go about fixing it, but it couldn't be more clear that something desperately needs fixing," Fowler said. "If something isn't done soon, the integrity of our entire conference could be in grave danger."

But the impact that a collapse of N.C. State's athletic department would have on the rest of the conference remains an issue of contention.

"Quite frankly, I don't see how State's demise would have any effect on this conference," said ACC Commissioner John Swofford. "It seems to me that we could just replace them with a Kennesaw State or a Virginia Commonwealth and not miss a beat. They're in a bad spot because of decisions that they've made, and I'm not convinced that it's the conference's responsibility to bail them out."

Despite the seemingly sudden nature of the crisis, several other institutions had been warning for years that the N.C. State plan was not one that could be sustained for the long term.

"I've mentioned to Lee several times that I thought he was on a collision course with disaster," said North Carolina Director of Athletics Dick Baddour. "There was a disturbing trend of hiring completely ineffective coaches for the non-revenue sports, and an even more irresponsible mismanagement of football and basketball."

Most experts point to the Chuck Amato administration as the major culprit in the crisis. Beginning in 2000, Amato was a successful fundraiser for the football program, and for the athletic department as a whole. But according to sources close to Amato, most of those funds were used irresponsibly.

"Chuck did a great job of raising money, but 90 percent of it ended up going to waste," said one former athletic department employee. "He made these great speeches about how the program needed money to be able to recruit well and get to the next level, and people assumed that he was talking about things like recruiting trips and entertainment for recruits when they visited Raleigh. But instead, most of that money ended up being spent on red shoes, gaudy sunglasses, Wonderbras, and throat lozenges."

While Tom O'Brien, Amato's successor, doesn't share the same desire for fashion accessories, he hasn't been immune from unwise purchases.

"I'm really not sure which was worse--the plastic cave or the defecating wolf," said a source close to the football program. "Nobody is really sure who the genius was that designed all of that, but they're as culpable in this mess as anyone."

At first blush, it doesn't appear that the cry for help is being received favorably. Almost all of the athletic directors in the conference have expressed reluctance to vote in favor of helping N.C. State--partially because it's against their core values, but perhaps more importantly because their fan bases have expressed resounding disapproval of the idea.

But if N.C. State is to be saved, action will have to be taken soon. Purchases of Wolfpack apparel and other merchandise have declined sharply since the initial announcement was made by the school.

Editor's note: Dave left for Disney World immediately following the Miami game and will not return until Saturday just prior to the UConn game.  Because of that, this column was written without knowledge of last weekend's results.  As such, readers will need to select the applicable bolded items throughout this preview.  To pre-emptively answer your questions: 1) yes, Dave is a "grown man," more or less; 2) no, Dave does not have children; 3) no, Dave did not just win the Super Bowl.

North Carolina will take on the Huskies of Connecticut on Saturday afternoon and attempt to improve their record to (3-2, 4-1).  The Heels are fresh off an (impressive win; exciting victory; disappointing loss; embarrassing loss) to the Miami Hurricanes.

Against Miami, the Heels running game (was overpowering for the first time all season; continued its mediocre performance; was truly atrocious). Butch Davis (was vindicated in his decision to continue starting Greg Little; finally appeased the fan base by starting Shaun Draughn; stubbornly stuck with Greg Little despite his lack of performance throughout the game; allowed Shaun Draughn to play the entire game, despite the fact that he didn’t perform any better than Greg Little has this year). The quarterback position was a question mark heading into the game, (and after Cam Sexton and Mike Paulus combined for five interceptions, it was obvious why; but it won’t be anymore, as (Sexton looked sensational; Paulus played splendidly; T.J. Yates has made a miraculous recovery)).

The Heels will be looking to (continue their winning ways; break their two-game losing skid) against Connecticut. The Huskies are undefeated and enter Saturday’s game following a road victory over the Louisville Cardinals. Remember the last time Carolina played Louisville? Oh, you do? Well then, we apologize for the reference.

Like most high school football games, the Huskies' last two games have been played on Friday evenings. Just kidding, Huskies, we know that your stadium seats 6,059 more people than Wallace Wade, which is nothing to sneeze at. To prove we don’t think you’re a prep team, if we (for some odd reason) decide to mention you again on this site in late November, we’ll refer to you as an NFL team when you play South Florida on a Sunday. What do you have against Saturday games, anyway?

Our congratulations go out to the Huskies for beating the Virginia Cavaliers almost as badly as USC did. Of course, (neither UConn nor the Trojans had as large a margin of victory over the Cavs as Duke did; even Duke beat Virginia; Virginia has recovered from that defeat quite nicely, with a quality win over David Cutcliffe’s Duke Blue Devils).

Connecticut is in just its eighth season of Division I-A football, but the Huskies have already made two bowl appearances. The most recent was a 24-10 loss at the hands of Wake Forest in the Meineke Car Care Bowl. Or the Continental Tire Bowl. Or the Queen City Bowl. Whatever that thing in Charlotte was calling itself in 2007.

Saturday’s game is set for 7 p.m., with (ESPN2; ESPNU) providing a video feed directly to your television. If you’d prefer, you can just head on to Kenan Stadium and watch live.

11:57 - Corso and Herbstreit see our chances of winning as equivalent to John McCain's chance of getting Puff Daddy's vote. I guess having some positive national press for that one week was fun.

12:02 - We have kickoff. And a flag on the Hurricanes. I'm going to chalk that up to the Paulus factor; even their kickoff team is scared of him.

12:07 - Graig Cooper (or "Craig" as Butch likes to call him) is already killing us. See how scared they are of Paulus? They KNOW that if they don't score here and put us in an early hole, they have no chance.

12:10 - Touchdown Miami. Clearly Paulus is not the answer here. GIVE US SEXTON!!!

12:15 - Miami has a white guy on their defense. I was not aware of that. Affirmative action, I guess.

12:17 - There's Mike's first pass of the day. Negatives: Got his jersey dirty and threw it incomplete. Positives: Didn't get picked off.

12:18 - Melvin Williams just got his helmet knocked off, much to the delight of the 174 Miami fans in attendance.

12:25 - Robert Marve should probably start spelling his name "Mavre." That would make more sense from a pronunciating standpoint.

12:29 - Missed field goal for the 'Canes. Probably because he was kicking from where second base is supposed to be.

12:32 - Mike's first completion of the day. Great catch by Richard Quinn--I think his first of the season? By the way, what are the odds that we get to have two guys named "R. Quinn" on the team?

12:36 - Paulus actually looks decent under pressure. Which is good, because it's not going to go away.

12:39 - Touchdown Miami. And our chances of staying competitive in this game just went "thud." Like a garbage bag full of bacon grease hiting the sidewalk after being dropped out of a four-story window.

12:42 - Sexton in the game. On the first play he draws the defense offsides, completes a pass and gets a first down. I'd forgotten how awesome this guy is.

12:44 - Dave's parents just showed up. With Bojangle's and pie. You know, I've always had a positive perception of Dave's parents, but that might just be because they always have food when they show up. I honestly can't remember a time when the showed up without food.

12:50 - TOUCHDOWN GREGORY LITTLE!!! Wow. Remember that play at Wake Forest in '04 when Durant was in the middle of a pile, and Jason Brown just pushed everybody into the end zone for the touchdown? That's kinda what this looked like, except none of our offensive linemen are as good as Jason Brown. And none of our quarterbacks are as good as Darian Durant. And none of our head coaches are as good as John Bunting.

12:56 - Running into the kicker. Terrific. I hate football.

1:04 - Nothing like a scoring drive brought to you by a "running into the kicker" call. I'd like to see some statistics showing how many times a penalty like that results in a score of some kind. It's at least 98% of the time.

1:10 - How do they go about picking the people that will be featured on these food features? Is there nobody in South Florida that can speak in a manner which can be understood on broadcast television?

1:23 - Let's take this halftime intermission to do some quick mathematics. In the last six quarters of football, our opponents have scored a total of 37 points. Of those 37 points, 10 of them have actually been earned. 27 of them have been gifts. And for our next trick, we're going to shoot off our other foot too.

1:46 - The 218 Miami fans (yes, a few more have crept in) aren't too happy with the fact that we're getting the ball on the 40 yard line to start the second half. If it's any consolation, we're not the most opportunistic group of folks in the world.

1:51 - Dave says that if Kristin weren't married to him, he's pretty sure that she'd propose to Brandon Tate. I'm not positive that that won't happen anyway.

1:54 - TOUCHDOWN RYAN HOUSTON!!! Does he have highlights in his hair? Well at any rate, the 'Canes lead is down to three.

2:06 - That Miami crowd keeps growing. There are now 257 of them that are unhappy with the spot that Ryan Houston just got on that first down run.

2:13 - Dave's mom doesn't care for the orange and green color scheme. And yet, she likes Kyle Busch because of all those M&Ms on his car. Inexplicable, really.

2:28 - Is it just me, or does it feel like the margin is a lot more than three points?

2:34 - Well, it definitely feels like more than three points now. 24-14, Miami.

2:40 - TOUCHDOWN HAKEEM NICKS!!! Dave's dad said there was a flag on the play, but he was just trying to scare me. It worked, because I actually soiled myself a little.

2:47 - Just moments ago (less than 10 seconds), Dave said, "Miami hasn't had any turnovers today have they?" And then Goddard promptly picked it off.

2:51 - Cam sacked to take us out of field goal range. Unbelievable. Just unbelievable. My stomach hurts. When this game started, I gave us no shot of winning. No shot. And then they made me believe--just a little bit. And now they've blown it. I hate football.

3:02 - My emotions just can't handle this. Hakeem gets the first down, but also a facemask. Then Tate gets the first down that Hakeem didn't really get. Then Cam overthrows Brooks, but there's pass interference on the play. Stomach in knots.

3:07 - TOUCHDOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWN BROOKS FOSTER!!!!!!! Oh sweet mercy. Extra point is good. We're up four. Seriously? We're up four? Cam Sexton is our quarterback and we're about to win at Miami? Providence has smiled upon us for once? We're 3-1? We've won half of the requisite games needed for a bowl berth? What's that--I should wait for the next 46 seconds to tick off the clock?

3:12 - They have the ball on our 15. If we lose this game, so help me...

3:15 - TRIMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!!!!!!!!!!!

Had North Carolina held on to beat Virginia Tech last Saturday, this week’s noon game against the Miami Hurricanes would no doubt be dubbed the biggest game of the Butch Davis era. As it stands, the Heels didn’t win that game, and this week’s noon game against the Miami Hurricanes may still be the biggest game of the Butch Davis era.

Both Miami and North Carolina enter the weekend with 2-1 records. Each has won a game against a team that won’t impress anyone (Charleston Southern and McNeese State, respectively) and a team that at least sounds decent, even if they aren’t (Texas A&M and Rutgers). Each team also lost to a big name football school (Florida and the aforementioned Virginia Tech). The biggest difference between the two school’s schedules so far is that the Heels’ lone loss came in the conference, making this Coastal Division showdown one of utmost importance for the Heels.

For the first time this season, Carolina’s starting quarterback will not be named T.J. Yates. Yates will be out for a minimum of six weeks with a “small non-displaced ankle fracture.” Of course, with the gridiron Tar Heels’ luck, it probably won’t be too long until doctors’ decide the entire foot is impossible to salvage and that amputation is the only possible solution.

In the meantime, backups Mike Paulus and Cam Sexton will compete for the job. Quarterback has been a position of flux for the Canes this season, as well. So far, they’ve started a true freshman and a red-shirt freshman at the QB spot. Of course, the red-shirt (Robert Marve) broke several of Tim Tebow’s high school records on the way to becoming Florida’s Mr. Football in 2006, so you’ll have to forgive Carolina Water Cooler for not feeling too sorry for the Canes.

Miami doesn’t enter the game at full strength either, however. Star running back Javarris James has a high ankle sprain and won’t play against the Heels. If Ty Lawson is a fair representation of a typical athlete’s recovery period, James won’t return until the 10th or 11th game of the season and the Canes will proceed to lose by three or four touchdowns to BYU in the Orange Bowl. (That’s right, we just compared Kansas to BYU – take that, Jayhawks!)

Much will likely be made of Butch Davis’ return to Miami this weekend. In case you aren’t aware, he used to coach there. That was many moons ago, though, so it’s really a non-story at this point. Practically everything has changed since Davis left in 2000. For instance, none of his former players remain on the roster, and the Canes now play in Dolphin Stadium as opposed to the Orange Bowl. Perhaps the most striking difference is that when Butch left Miami football was relevant nationally. Now? Not so much.

Since Miami “joined the ACC” (until they start pulling their weight around here, we’ll likely continue to use the quotation marks) back in 2004, Carolina is a surprising 2-2 against the Canes. Unfortunately, the home team has been victorious in all four matchups thus far, so that doesn't bode well for Carolina this weekend. The Heels could easily be 3-1 against Miami if Jawarski Pollock hadn’t dropped a sure touchdown pass from one Matthew Baker back in 2005. You’d forgotten ol’ Matt ever played here, hadn’t you? Don’t worry… after making NFL stops in Houston, Dallas, New Orleans, Arizona, Miami, and Buffalo, he probably has too.

Saturday’s game will air at noon on ESPN Part Deux, but if you happen to be in Florida over the weekend, a gracious plenty cheap tickets remain.

It was Carolina's opportunity to officially pull back the curtain and step out onto the national stage. There had been growing pains to get to this point, but the time was finally here. This was going to be Carolina's season. The task ahead--a win over the best team that the Commonwealth had to offer.

It took the offense a while to get cranked up, but a couple of big plays found the Heels enjoying a 17-3 second half lead. But the joy was short-lived; the Heels' lack of a viable running game prevented them from converting on a couple of crucial third downs, and their previously-stifling defense was suddenly being abused. When the dust cleared, the Heels found themselves on the wrong side of a 20-17 heartbreaker.

The year was 1996, and the Virginia Cavaliers had rained on the Heels proverbial parade.

A similarly gut-wrenching loss took place in Kenan Stadium on Saturday night, and the similarities don't end with the score. The aforementioned lack of a running game was a game-long problem in both games. In Charlottesville, Carolina's touchdowns came from a Chris Keldorf pass to Octavus Barnes and a Dre Bly interception return. Their inability to run out the clock in the fourth quarter allowed Virginia to stay in the game just long enough.

Both games offered a smattering of hard-luck plays--any one of which would have probably resulted in a Carolina victory if avoided.

In Charlottesville, Barnes broke off his route and didn't provide Keldorf the target that he was expecting. Instead of taking the sack and settling for the field goal, Keldorf unloaded the now-infamous pass that resulted in a 95-yard interception return. But just a few plays before that, Brian Simmons nearly prevented that interception from occurring. After intercepting Virginia's Aaron Brooks, Simmons rumbled down the field, nearly putting the Heels up 24-3. But Brooks hawked him down, pushing him out of bounds at the 10-yard line. Three plays later, Keldorf's interception started the downward spiral.

Similarly, against the Hokies, Carolina had a tough play, followed by another. After a defensive stand that seemed it would hold the Hokies to a field goal, Quan Sturdivant was flagged for retaliating against Tyrod Taylor's punkishness, granting the Hokies a first down. Then, just moments later, a phantom holding call against Deunta Williams again gave the Hokies new life, setting up a touchdown instead of what should have been a field goal.

In Charlottesville, Virginia's game-winning field goal was set up by another stroke of bad luck. Cavalier quarterback Tim Sherman tossed a bomb into double coverage, with Omar Brown standing in front of receiver Germane Crowell. Brown got both hands on the ball, but with his grip weakened by a cast on his right hand, Crowell was able to wrestle the ball away. The game-winning field goal would never have happened without the 41-yard completion, and the completion would have never happened without Brown's cast.

In Chapel Hill, the "almost" plays were nearly too long to list. Taylor's 3rd-and-7 completion with Robert Quinn's arms wrapped around his ankles. The missed block that knocked T.J. Yates out of the game. The questionable flag on Anthony Elzy that moved the Hokies into field goal range after a punt return. Mike Paulus's first interception that took away a field goal and killed the momentum that Carolina seemed to have back on their side...

After the loss in Charlottesville, Carolina went on to win 13 of its next 14 games. This time? We'll see.

Remember the last time North Carolina’s football team started the season 2-0? You’re going to have to get in the “Way Back Machine” for this one, because it hasn’t happened since the year 2000. That season, the Heels beat a mediocre (at best) Tulsa team and followed that up with a victory over an abysmal (at absolute best) Wake Forest squad. Then, just like during this 2008 campaign, the Heels' third game of the season aired on ABC. Let’s hope the comparisons to 2008 end right there, because the 2000 Carolina team lost that game to Florida State, 63-14. In fact, if not for a five point win over Marshall, Carl Torbush’s 2000 squad would have followed their 2-0 start with a six game losing streak. Luckily, the win over the Thundering Herd allowed the Heels to go a respectable 1-5 instead. If it makes you feel any better, Torbush was fired twice at the end of the season and replaced by John Bunting. What's that? You don't feel any better?

How about a more recent statistic? Remember the last time Carolina returned home from a road victory featuring a plane ride? As you probably heard 17,000 times during the Rutgers game, that last occurred in 2002 after a 38-35 win over Arizona State (clearly the fine folks at ESPN prepped for last Thursday’s game by reading Carolina Water Cooler’s Rutgers preview). The Heels followed up that magnificent performance with a 52-21 loss to Mack Brown’s Texas Longhorns. Ah, the glory days.

Yes, the start of this season has brought back so many fond memories it’s difficult to think back to them without weeping. Just recall the last time Carolina played Rutgers and Virginia Tech back-to-back, as is the case this week. Never has there been a closer 25 point loss than the 35-10 contest between the Heels and Hokies in 2006. Joe Dailey and Cam Sexton tossed up two interceptions a piece on that magical day.

But enough about the past, let’s talk about the present. Or, more accurately, since this is a preview – let’s talk about the future. Saturday’s contest will mark the eighth meeting between Frank Beamer and Butch Davis. So far, Butch has only managed to squeak out one victory against Frank. So you might say Coach Davis is “due” a win. If you believe in things evening out over time, that is. If you’re one of those creepy Scientologists that believe in Newton’s First Law, then you’re probably anticipating a Hokie victory.

Speaking of laws, Carolina Water Cooler has inadvertently broken one over the past two football seasons. Apparently federal regulations require every article that references Virginia Tech to also include the expression Beamerball. Up until this very moment, nary a VT preview on this site has mentioned said phrase. It’s possible (though highly unlikely), that you’ve heard this term yet do not know it’s meaning. Have no fear…Urban Dictionary is here. Seriously. Urban Dictionary has an entry for Beamerball. It reads:

“A brand of football played by the Virginia Tech Hokies, and named after long-time (1987 - present) head coach and Tech alumnus Frank Beamer. Primarily known for profilic kick- and punt-blocking, Beamerball encompasses the idea that the team can produce points (and prevent opponents' points) at any time, from any point on the football field. Virginia Tech is not only adept at scoring via the blocked kick, but also through defensive interceptions…”

We’re not entirely sure what’s urban about that phrase, but nevertheless, they defined it and now we don’t have to. According to whoever was announcing the VT/ECU game, the Hokies are so prolific at this because they spend thirty minutes per practice working on special teams, etc. Seems like there’d be more to it than that, but that’s the explanation he gave.

Since this column started off by referencing events from the past that don’t bode well for a Carolina victory on Saturday, let’s end it with a couple of positive thoughts. First, the Hokies are 0-1 in games played in the great state of North Carolina this season. This is actually only positive if you fit into the “creepy Scientologist” category from earlier in this column – sorry if you were a “things even out over time” person. Second, Frank Beamer himself said that “[North Carolina] is the best football team we’ve played so far.” This is coming from a guy who lost his season opener to the now 15th ranked ECU Pirates! Of course, it’s also coming from a guy who said “Sean Glennon is a good, good quarterback. He’s been a great quarterback for us.” So it’s possible he’s just crazy and/or a liar.

Saturday’s game will kickoff around 3:30 p.m. from Beautiful Kenan Stadium. If you’re watching on TV, the game will air on either ABC or ESPN depending on what part of the country you live in. Either way, it’s not Raycom, so you’ve got that going for you.

Another weekend, another smattering of storylines around the world of football...


What's the Opposite of a "Barn Burner?" - A barn raising, perhaps? Doesn't sound right, but "barn burner" probably doesn't make much logical sense either. Whatever the appropriate phrase, that's what Auburn and Mississippi State engaged in on Saturday night while the rest of the country was watching the Trojans and Buckeyes. In a game that almost made soccer seem exciting, the Tigers "rolled" past the Bulldogs in a 3-2 nailbiter.

And it would be remiss of us if we had a conversation about offensive ineptitude and didn't invite the Wolfpack to the party. In their last three games against 1-A (FBS...whatever) opponents, O'Brien's boys have been responsible for a grand total of three points. Shut out by Maryland to finish last season, shut out by the Gamecocks to start this season, and managed just a field goal against Clemson this weekend (their only touchdown was scored by the defense). We were even going to be generous and give the offense credit for the extra point kicked after the defensive touchdown, but it was blocked.

Frank the Stank - Before a fourth quarter offensive explosion that put three touchdowns on the board, the Cal Bears' offense (coordinated by our old friend Frank Cignetti) managed just two field goals through the first three quarters against a Maryland defense that gave up 24 points to Middle Tennessee State last week. Good to see that Frankie can still game plan with the best of 'em...

There is no Joy in Hoo-ville... - If you don't like the Cavaliers (and here at Carolina Water Cooler, we don't), you'll probably enjoy watching the dumpster fire that's raging in Charlottesville this season. Fortunately for the always-vivacious Al Groh, he'll have a bye week to prepare for Duke on Sept. 27. There's a better-than-average possibility that the Cavs could fail to win another game this season. Of course, if the last 27 years are any indication, there's a better-than-average possibility that they could win one and only one more game--when the Heels travel to Hoo-ville in a month.

Triumph in Tallahassee? - The Seminoles have outscored their two opponents 115-7 this season. But since those victories have come against schools hailing from towns called Cullowhee and Chattanooga, we'll wait until next week's game against Wake Forest before we officially declare that Bobby Bowden is, in fact, still alive, and not just being propped up by Chuck Amato and Mickey Andrews in some kind of Weekend at Bernie's type of situation.

Carolina & Carolina - When was the last time that the Tar Heels and the Panthers both started the season 2-0? A hasty guess would be 1996 (Heels went 10-2; Panthers went 12-4 en route to the NFC championship game in their second year in existence). Somebody look that up for us, please. If it didn't happen that year, it's probably never happened at all, and that would be one of the saddest stories ever told. It's not like being 2-0 is the most unattainable achievement in the history of football.

Poor Alge - Alge Crumpler had a few decent years (and by "a few decent years," we mean four trips to the Pro Bowl) as an Atlanta Falcon, but all of that came to a screeching halt last year as he clashed with new coach Bobby Petrino and watched his quarterback get carted off to spend a couple of years making license plates. So you can imagine how excited he was to get a fresh start in the Music City with the Titans this year, and he quickly developed a good relationship with Vince Young. While Young's Forrest Gump IQ was cited as a potential problem back when he was drated, no one really anticipated that he'd have the emotional stability of that girl from the Seinfeld episode that played Bette Midler's understudy and cried over everything. You remember her--cried when she dropped her hot dog, cried when she watched Beaches, cried when her shoelace broke, etc. Anyway, poor ol' Alge just can't escape the quarterback drama.

View from the Couch. It's been a while. And speaking of things that haven't happened recently, the last time we won a game outside of the state of North Carolina, Eli Whitney celebrated by inventing the cotton gin the very next week.

7:47 - We're at Dave's house for the first time in a while. I'm here, fulfilling my duties as Curator; Dave is here as CFO (though his responsibilities tonight will consist more of complaining and whining than balancing the books); Benji, CWC Senior Historian, is present and accounted for, and Kristin will be serving faithfully as CWC's Official Wife.

7:48 - Dave doesn't like the navy pants.

7:51 - First bad sign of the night: the complaining about the britches lasted longer than our first possession.

7:55 - Kristin has graciously provided chocolate cake. Benji said I could have his piece if I can eat it all in one bite. I'll wait for the first TV timeout, but I'll do it.

7:57 - The Scarlet Knights are on the board first. And San San Te is only six or seven more field goals away from Dave's prediction coming true.

8:00 - Nobody eats an entire piece of cake in one bite better than I do.

8:06 - "THROW IT TO BRANDON TATE!" - Kristin

8:07 - They threw to Tate. For a first down. We're going to start calling her "Lil' Shoop."

8:11 - How long can we keep using the "we don't want to show too much of the playbook" excuse?

8:14 - Kendric Burney just laid an Omar Brown-ish hit on some poor fella. Marvin may have peed his navy blue pants with excitement.

8:15 - Benji critiquing Jesse Palmer: "White people never sound whiter than when they say that somebody has nice hops. Unless they're talking about Anheuser-Busch."

8:26 - End of the first quarter. Defense looks pretty good. Offense, not so much. Navy pants--jury's still out.

8:31 - PICKED OFF!!!! You're a good man, Charlie Brown.

8:34 - Jay Wooten is soooooo automatic. I've never seen that guy miss a field goal in a college game. Never. Tie game. On an unrelated note, Lil' Shoop is almost asleep.

8:44 - TOUCHDOWN HAKEEM NICKS!!! Wide open. 17-6.

8:47 - Defense looks good. Or as friend-of-the-site Aroc would say: "Strong to very strong."

8:56 - Spoke too soon. Te cuts the lead to 4. Speaking of Te, let me just say a few words about the Conover, NC, product. For those of you not familiar with the greater Newton metropolitan area, we lived by a few simple rules. And one of those rules was that people from Conover don't go to Hickory High. Unless they're sellouts. Therefore San San Te = sellout.

8:59 - BRANDON TATE!!! When was the last time that we led by double digits outside of the state? I honestly don't know the answer to that. I'll research that at halftime.

9:01 - Dave is coming around on the navy pants, by the way. You might say that they're growing on him like E. coli on room temperature beef.

9:10 - Interception by Kendric Burney. If I didn't have the double digit thing to research, I'd be curious to know the last time we had two picks in a non-NC game.

9:19 - After some extensive research (which, quite honestly, took even longer than I expected), I think I've determined that our last double-digit lead outside the state of North Carolina was the game in 2002 when we led Virginia 21-0 in Charlottesville before Darian Durant broke his thumb and catapulted us into an era known to football historians as The C.J. Stephens Calamity.

9:25 - I love Lou Holtz. The slobbering, the bad jokes that we've all heard 67 times, the cheesy inspirational messages that sound like they came from a fortune cookie--love the whole package.

9:40 - Is Bunting coaching the Scarlet Knights? Not only is "keep chopping wood" their motto, but the way that they just fielded (or didn't field) the opening kickoff of the second half made them look like they were all sitting around smoking pot at halftime.

9:41 - Did Chris Fowler just steal my "you're a good man Charlie Brown" line? Jerk.

9:48 - I ask this in all seriousness--when can the Tate for Heisman conversations start? Another touchdown for the pride of Burlington. On the ground this time--he got a good block from Anthony Elzy and ran like a spotted butt ape.

9:51 - Dave says that our kicking game is going to keep us from winning a national championship. See how he has a gift for taking a good situation and making it sound bad?

9:54 - WOW! Pick six for Big Bruce. 31-6. Benji says that Rutgers is both the birthplace and the burial site of college football.

9:58 - What if we beat them so bad that ESPN cuts away to the Tennessee Tech/Southeast Missouri State game in an effort to keep people from turning off their television sets?

10:04 - Friend-of-the-site Dan texts to say: "So far, this is better than the dream when I was a fat penguin at an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet."

10:06 - Maybe Tate and Hakeem can share the Heisman? 38-6.

10:33 - I'm glad we let them score. We don't want to completely crush their will and ruin the rest of the season for them. We need them to be decent so that they don't kill our strength of schedule in the BCS formula.

10:44 - So I guess Wooten is officially our kicker now? 41-12. I'm trying to remember the last time I was this happy. I think it was the day of Butch's introductory press conference.

10:54 - Another interception. Quan Sturdivant. ::Yawn::

10:59 - Great job by Mike Paulus to lead us down the field to set up the field goal. Granted, we were in field goal range when we started. 44-12.

11:06 - Benji has fallen asleep. We're that good. Thanks, Butch.

North Carolina will kick off football season on Thursday night as they head to Piscataway, New Jersey to take on the Rutgers Scarlet Knights. Yes, technically the Heels have already played a home game this season against McNeese State, but it’s doubtful that anyone associated with the program would look back and say that the game against the Cowboys even remotely resembled “kicking off” the season.

The Heels looked lackluster in a 35-27 victory over McNeese in a game that feels like it took place three or four weeks ago. They were able to muster up 384 yards of total offense, thanks largely to Brandon Tate. Tate racked up an astounding 729 yards, while the rest of the team managed to move nearly three and a half football fields in the wrong direction.

With a little luck, Carolina will be able to move the ball better on the ground against the Scarlet Knights than they did against the Cowboys. Last year, Rutgers gave up more than 239 rushing yards in five contests. By contrast, the Heels haven’t run for even 200 yards since – and, despite all the hyperbole used so far in this column, this is 100% true – the Bunting administration. If it even happened then. Bunting coached six years, so we didn’t look it up…we’re operating under the “even a blind squirrel finds a nut” theory on this one.

Meanwhile, after just one game, it looks as though Rutgers’ running game may have struggles of its own this season now that Ray Rice has departed for the NFL. The Scarlet Knights only ran for 106 yards in their season opener against Fresno State. That number is slightly skewed since they had to play catch-up during the second half en route to an embarrassing 24-7 loss to the Bulldogs..

Rutgers’ place kicking position wins this season’s “Most Interesting Name” award. Taking over for the departed Jeremy Ito (no relation to Lance) is San San Te. Since he’s a Hickory native, look for San San (does his name remind anyone else of Ruben Boumtje Boumtje?) to nail seven or eight field goals during the game Thursday night and spend his entire post-game press conference talking about how great it felt to make the Heels pay for not recruiting him.

Dating all the way back to last season’s exciting victory over Duke, Carolina is on a two game win streak. They haven’t strung together three consecutive Ws since they played 3 Division I-AA opponents in a row – N.C. State (during Chuck’s final days) and Duke to close the 2006 season, followed by a win over James Madison to open the Butch Davis Era.

Much will likely be made Thursday night about how the Heels haven’t won a game they’ve had to fly on a plane to since they defeated Arizona State during Dave and Stillman’s freshman year (2002). This statistic is as misleading as those political ads that state that Candidate X has voted with George W. Bush X% of the time. Why is it misleading, you ask? Well, first of all, it implies that the Heels have only struggled playing games to which they’ve flown. That’s simply not the case – they’ve been pretty bad no matter what the location since long before that slugfest against the Sun Devils. Secondly, for the past four seasons, Carolina has traveled to long distance road games via a convoy of blimps, so the opportunities to win after taking a plane have been limited.

This will be Carolina’s first contest on a Thursday night since the game that sealed John Bunting’s fate, a shutout loss in Charlottesville. Rutgers, on the other hand, is used to the Thursday night spotlight, as they haven’t played a Saturday game since 1994. The game will air on ESPN, with coverage slated to begin at 7:30. If you can’t make it to the Northern Part of Hades for the game, you’ll be happy to know that Mike Patrick is not allowed to call the Thursday night games, so you won’t have to endure that torture.

Ever read those "choose your own ending" books when you were a kid? If so, you'll be familiar with how this works. If not, well, it's not hard to figure out.

After a win over McNeese State that was less than impressive, many Carolina fans are longing for the next opportunity to see what their team is really made of. Next Thursday's contest in Piscataway could prove to be the test that determines whether or not the Heels finally springboard to the next level, or continue to languish in the doldrums of mediocrity. After years--decades, even--of being subjected to the consequences of decisions made by the Buntings and Torbushes and Crums of the world, you now have the power to choose the destiny of Carolina Football. Select wisely...

1) After three quarters of a hard fought contest, with both teams struggling to establish a running game and the score knotted at 17, Carolina finally wears down the Scarlet Knights defensive line as Shaun Draughn and Greg Little both score fourth quarter touchdowns. Carolina wins 31-17. To choose this option, proceed to #3.

OR

2) After an embarrassingly shy offensive output in their first game against Fresno State, Rutgers puts the pieces together when Carolina comes to town. While Mike Teel throws for four touchdowns, the Tar Heels' offense resembles a lame duck--not the metaphorical lame duck that you might hear about in political conversations at this time of year, but an actual lame duck--one that was either born with polio or perhaps suffered a tragic diving accident as a child. To choose this option, proceed to #5.
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3) After racing out to a 2-0 record for the first time since the Millard Fillmore administration, the Tar Heels quickly become overconfident and watch in horror as Virginia Tech blocks all seven of their punts. Now suddenly finding themselves tied for last place in the Coastal Division, the Heels head to Miami feeling flatter than a griddle cake. To choose this option, proceed to #6.

OR

4) After enduring losses to ECU and Georgia Tech, while narrowly escaping with a win against the mighty Palladins of Furman, Frank Beamer and his squad show up in Chapel Hill with the weight on their shoulders feeling heavier than Ralph Friedgen after a trip to the Golden Corral dessert bar. Hakeem Nicks doesn't help them feel any better by being on the receiving end of three touchdown passes. Heels win 34-13. To chose this option, proceed to #7.
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5) With the Rutgers game representing their 417th consecutive loss outside of the state of North Carolina, the team quickly loses faith in Butch Davis and his staff. Quan Sturdivant, Herman Davidson, Marvin Austin, and Jamal Womble all transfer to Duke, forcing Davis to leave Chapel Hill and become the defensive line coach on Bobby Petrino's staff at Arkansas. Dick Baddour hires Carl Franks as the new head coach. The end.
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6) Fortunately for the Heels, Butch Davis proves that he's closer to achieving the success that he enjoyed at Miami than Randy Shannon is to achieving the success that Butch Davis enjoyed at Miami. The Heels downgrade the Hurricanes to a Tropical Disturbance en route to a 9-3 regular season and a trip to the Gator Bowl. Stadium expansion is completed by May 2009. The end.
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7) While the win over Virginia Tech was gratifying, it proves to be a Pyrrhic victory as season-ending injuries to T.J. Yates, Zach Pianalto, E.J. Wilson and Trimane Goddard during the game make the rest of the season difficult. To compound the problems, NCAA sanctions dating back to the Brad Lawing Era force Carolina to retroactively forfeit nearly every game won during John Bunting's tenure. They're only allowed to keep the wins over N.C. State, mainly because the NCAA has always held a grudge against the Wolfpack and does everything possible to keep them down. The end.

Duke University Head Football Coach David Cutcliffe resigned Tuesday afternoon, in a move that shocked administrators, fans, his players, his family, the Pope, and even Jerry Seinfeld.

“I came here to turn around a football program that was in absolute shambles,” Cutcliffe said at a press conference Tuesday morning. “After winning 31-7 Saturday night, I feel I’ve done just that. The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’d like to be the first coach to ever retire from Duke University with an undefeated record.”

With matchups against Northwestern and Navy looming the next two weekends, there was speculation in Durham that the Blue Devils might start the season 3-0 under Cutcliffe. But after weighing the options, Cutcliffe decided the possibility of an unblemished 3-0 record couldn’t compare with the reality of already being a perfect 1-0.

“One day I’m going to be able to tell my grandkids that I never lost a game as the head coach of Duke University,” Cutcliffe explained to the media. “They’ll probably have a hard time believing it, but after I point to the James Madison game in the record books, they’ll be convinced.”

Director of Athletics Kevin White had a look of surprise on his face for the majority of the press conference, but used a bit of humor to lighten the mood.

“I’ve got to be honest, I wasn’t planning on needing to fill this position for at least two and a half years,” White joked. “It won’t be easy to find someone as capable as Coach Cutcliffe to take the reigns, but we’ll do our best. I do hope that if Coach winds up being a voter in the Coach’s Poll at some point later in his career that he’ll toss us a 25th place vote in the preseason poll the way Steve Spurrier used to.”

Though White wouldn’t give any indication of where he’d begin his search, sources within the athletic department listed Lloyd Carr, Lee Corso, Terry Bowden, Lou Holtz, and Chuck Amato as potential replacements. Defensive Coordinator Mike MacIntyre will serve as Interim Head Coach until a replacement is named.

Following the announcement, there was speculation around campus that Mike Krzyzewski had strongly suggested to Coach Cutcliffe that he resign. These rumors were based on beliefs that Coach K wants to make sure that basketball is king in Durham, and Cutcliffe at the helm was jeopardizing that hierarchy.

Upon hearing these accusations, Krzyzewski issued a press release stating, “Accusations that I had anything to do with the unexpected departure of David Cutcliffe are unfounded and hardly worthy of a response. I have been far too busy winning a gold medal in Beijing to pay any attention to the football program, much less meddle in the affairs of its head coach.”

Carolina Water Cooler will continue to monitor the situation and report on the state of Duke football as necessary.

1) Lightning - Ok, let's go ahead and address the Kenan Stadium infrastructure situation. Do other college stadiums have this many random electrical problems too? Saturday night was the second time in three years that lightning struck and put some crucial parts of the stadium out of commission. (In 2006, lightning struck the jumbotron and knocked out the sound system the day before the Rutgers game). This time, lightning destroyed the game clock, the scoreboard, parts of the sound system, and Carolina's pass rush. Of course, none of this was as bad as the time that Carl Torbush forgot to pay the utilities bill and the lights went out during that game against Marshall.

2) One Step Toward Becoming a Football School? - Don't know if this was intentional or not, but we're going to give them the benefit of the doubt. Football fans always make a lot of noise for combat veterans, so was it intentional that the Kenan Stadium PA announcer just so happened to introduce two visiting Iraq veterans at the moment that McNeese State was lining up to try to convert its first third down of the day? Either way, it worked. We hollered; the Cowboys didn't convert. Well played, PA guy.

3) Special Teams - Judging by the results, there must have been some merit to all those reports from training camp that implied Butch was spending an inordinate amount of time on special teams. Those units were solid. Now it would be a good idea to spend some time working on offense and defense a little bit too. They were pretty bad.

4) Game Ball - Perhaps you'd heard before the game that the game ball was going to be delivered to Kenan Stadium by a couple of parachutists? Well, you may not have seen them, but they made the delivery. Only problem was that they did it in the wrong stadium. Read about it here.

5) Weather Updates - Using the jumbotron and PA system to keep people updated on the weather situation would have worked better if you hadn't forced everyone to leave the stadium first. Speaking of weather updates, let's go ahead and clear the air about the student union TV situation. During the delay, some guy in the union was determined to find the Weather Channel on the big TV in the lobby so that he could keep everyone abreast of the situation. Note to guy in the union: The Weather Channel is a national phenomenon; they're not going to update you on scattered thunderstorms in Chapel Hill, NC, when there's a hurricane that's about to obliterate the Gulf Coast. Please make a note of it.

6) Brandon Tate - How good was Tate on Saturday night? Good enough that he made Hakeem Nicks look like a possession receiver. Hakeem is a potential All-American, and there's a chance that he could leave after this season for the NFL draft, but compared to Tate, he looked like a 57-year-old Keyshawn Johnson.

7) The Wave - We really thought that The Wave had been banned from Carolina sporting events due to its long history of counterproductivity. The last time that Carolina fans did the Wave, we blew a lead to Georgetown in the Dean Dome in the quarterfinals of the 2003 NIT and Matt Doherty got fired. But a couple of kids at Kenan on Saturday night never got that memo, evidently. Fortunately, they couldn't get anyone outside of Section 103 to cooperate.

8) The Wait - The way that this game unfolded was probably the best case scenario for enduring the wait until the Rutgers game. Think about it--if we'd won handily, we'd be way too excited about our team and chomping at the bit for an opportunity to test ourselves against a more formidable opponent. If we'd lost, we'd be unbelievably depressed and dying for a chance to redeem ourselves. As it turns out? We're just saying, "Heh...12 days off? We can probably use it."

Last season, North Carolina opened up the Butch Davis era with a 37-14 rout of James Madison. With the victory, Butch Davis sent a message to all future Tar Heel opponents. That message was, “even coaching a team with limited talent, I will rip a Division I-AA opponent to shreds.” A second, more subtle message was, “I don’t care what the NCAA calls it, you will never hear me use the term ‘Football Championship Subdivision.’”

This season, Davis’ team has more talent (which also has a year of experience under the head coach), and yet again, the first opponent is a Division I-AA foe. It’s safe to anticipate an even stronger message from the coach during this year’s home opener. After all, last time Butch Davis faced the Cowboys, his Hurricanes knocked them off 61-14.

That opener will take place on Saturday at 6 o’clock, when the Heels kick off the 2008 campaign against the Cowboys of McNeese State. The Cowboys are the pride of the Southland Conference (slightly edging out Lamar, Sam Houston State, and Southeastern Louisiana for that prestigious title). Another source of pride for the conference is its Southland Conference Television Network, which debuts in September. That’s right, the Southland Conference will have its own television network before the ACC. Seriously, John Swofford, what’s the hold-up here?

Season tickets for 2008 McNeese State football are selling for $102 each. Really, McNeese? $102? We’re aware that the tickets are $17 each, and that works out to $102 for 6 games, but you couldn’t give the season ticket purchasers a $2 discount to make it an even hundred? It would have cost you, what, $14?

In the future, McNeese State may have difficulty referring to itself as such.  In recent years, McDonald's has gone on the offensive, suing anyone or anything that uses the "Mc" prefix in its name.  The administration can try to fight it all they want, but McDonald's has deep pockets, and it’s unlikely that an extra $2 from each season ticket holder is going to allow them to compete with the multinational fast food conglomerate.  The quick fix to this problem would obviously be to just drop the Mc from the school's name and start going by "Neese State."  Of course, if that were the case, Neese's Sausage would no doubt sue the pants off the school - in which case, they'd likely just drop the Neese. So should the Heels ever take on the Cowboys again, they'll likely just be "State University."  (Going by "The State University" would be kind of cool, but the use of an emphasized “the” preceding any state school's name is expressly forbidden by that trademark's holder, The Ohio State University.)

According to the second sentence of the first page of McNeese State’s “2008 Outlook” on their official athletic website, the Cowboys have a group of “returneese” which includes five players on “defnese.” How can you not take a team with that kind of talent seriously?

Last year the Cowboys went a perfect 11-0 during the regular season, only to lose to Eastern Washington in the FCS playoffs. Luckily for the Heels, McNeese lost a fair amount of talent from that team, including a two–time All-American defensive end, another starting DE, the starting RB and WR, and two starting cornerbacks. With all those key losses, it’s lucky for McNeese that they return a large percentage of their pancake blocks from last season’s offensive line.

If you enjoy watching the Heels play football on Saturday’s in Kenan Stadium, we recommend you soak it up this Saturday – it’ll be three long weeks before it happens again. Carolina is off until Thursday, September 11th, when they take on Rutgers in Piscataway. They’ll then have a nine day break before finally returning to Kenan to take on the Hokies of Virginia Tech. On the bright side, by that time, Butch's Boys will be 3-0.

Opening Day - While Baptists all around the world are debating over who to root for in the Wake Forest/Baylor showdown on Thursday night, those of us in Chapel Hill are faced with a similar yet infinitely more difficult question--are we rooting for the Wolfpack or the Gamecocks?

It's truly a no-win situation, and no fan base is in a more uncomfortable position here than we are. If the Wolfpack wins, all we'll hear is that they beat South Carolina in Columbia after we couldn't beat them in Chapel Hill last year. Then, if we were to beat McNeese State by 74 a mere 48 hours later, they'd fail to acknowledge that as a win since it came against a FCS opponent, forcing us to wait until the next Saturday to claim our first "real" victory. But wait...we don't even play the next Saturday--we'll have to wait an extra five days until the trip to Piscataway, just to have a chance of making them shut up. If you're doing the math at home, that's 14 days--a veritable fortnight--of mephitic mouth-running in West Raleigh.

On the other hand, if the Gamecocks win, they'll try to claim exclusive legal rights to the words "Carolina," "USC," and probably "University." Then there will be the obligatory burnt offerings to the god that is Steve Spurrier and the lauding of Columbia as the football capital of the Western Hemisphere. Fortunately, they'll have to play Georgia in just two weeks.

A Carolina fan's rooting interest in this game is probably geographically based. If you live in North Carolina, you'll likely be pulling against the Wolfpack, while if you're faced with the inauspicious circumstance of living in the Palmetto State, a Gamecock win is probably more than you can tolerate.


Shaun Draughn - Lots of buzz out of training camp surrounding this safety-turned-tailback. But perhaps it's time for some more grounded thinking about the Tarboro sophomore's prospects for helping Carolina's running game this season. You know, just out of fairness, we feel that it's our job to lower expectations for the young man. That's why we're sharing with you that one year ago at this time, Kelvin Bryant, former Tar Heel great and close friend (possibly relative?) of the Draughn family told us that the Heels probably wouldn't have a great running game in 2007 because the best running back on the team was playing safety.

Just kidding about that "lowering expectations" speech, by the way.


Battling Barths - Lots of uneasiness in the Barth family these days. As you're well aware, Little Bro' Casey has been dueling Jay Wooten for several weeks in an effort to win the Carolina place-kicking duties. Neither Barth nor Wooten has been able to rise up as the most competent kicker and claim the job.

In a stunningly similar story, Big Bro' Connor is in the midst of a summer-long battle with former Maryland kicker Nick Novak for the Kansas City Chiefs job this fall. They've matched each other, almost kick-for-kick for weeks, and the Chiefs have until Thursday to make up their mind.

Well, I stuck to my word and got a mullet. I'd first like to thank Natasha from Walmart for the haircut. I've got to say I was concerned at first. Natasha didn't know what a mullet was. I thought that the mullet was the default hairdo in Arkansas, but apparently not. We worked through it together, though. She was also very sweet. She kept telling me that, "it actually looks pretty good," even though we both knew it was a blatant lie.

And to Denise who was waiting to get her hair colored at the Walmart hair care center: thank you for your kind words as well. Denise told me that I, "was too young to appreciate the 80's, but my haircut would make the decade proud." I responded with, "Ma'am, I appreciate the compliment, but let's be honest, I look like an idiot." She fired back, "You don't look like an idiot! It looks good! And look at those cute curls on the end. You don't look like an idiot, sweetie." Well, Denise most likely wasn't telling a blatant lie, but because she actually thinks my mullet looks good…I feel sorry for her.

Upon leaving Walmart, I felt different. I saw the look in the folks' eyes that passed me. The looks varied from, "This fella ain't right. Bless his little heart" to "This guy looks pissed. He's only 5'7", but I don't think I should mess with him" to "Look at this idiot."

After walking through the Walmart parking lot, I hopped into my good ol' buddy, Ian Bowman's truck. After he stopped laughing, he got serious. He said, "That actually looks natural for you." I haven't yet decided if I am offended or honored by that comment. Either way, it was unexpected.

The mullet has its positives. It is a symbol of freedom and rebellion in the South. It says, "I have a Constitutional right to wear my hair however I choose, and if I choose to 'chop the top and let the back rock' then I can darn well do it." It also says, "I love NASCAR, country music, bug zappers, and duct tape." That's me alright.

The mullet certainly has its negatives as well. Unfortunately it also sometimes says, "I didn't have enough money for a full haircut and this is what happened." It sometimes says, "I dislike minorities, queers, yankees, smart people, people with good hygiene, and wealthy people." I'm not down with all that stuff, so for those reasons I'm looking forward to ditching the mullet.

Beyond the positives and negatives is the awesomeness of the mullet. The mullet is a cultural phenomenon, and if anything it expresses that one really doesn't give a dang. I'm down with that. It's hard to explain exactly what makes the mullet awesome, but every time we see one, we point and either laugh or exclaim, "That. Is. Awesome." Sometimes we do both. So with that, I'm going to go outside into the world for my normal afternoon run. Whatever happens, happens. The mullet is undoubtedly an established piece of Americana, and for that reason I am proud to wear it.

For two consecutive summers, I have built up my own hopes as well as the hopes of this site's millions of readers by writing columns entitled "This is the Year" and "This is the Year...Again."  Many of you have sent me angry emails voicing your displeasure in the fact that I got your hopes up for a spectacular football season, only to see those hopes come crashing down at approximately halftime of the Heels' second game.  And to those individuals I say, "it could have been worse."  Seriously. You could have been me. You could have had your hopes come crashing down during week two and had egg all over your face from making such embarrassing proclamations.

How are those “thank you” letters to Michael Phelps coming along? I hope they’re coming along SWIM-ingly! HAHAHA!

Once again, the medal counts will be completely out of date and incorrect by the time you read this, but let’s breakdown the Olympics so far for the heck of it. The US is leading China 65-61 in the total medal count, but China still has the lead in Golds 35-17. Dadgum commies.

Phelps now has eight gold medals in these Olympics. Absolutely unbelievable. He has not only single-handedly kept us in the medal hunt, but it looks like he’s single-handedly renewed America’s interest in the Olympics. When the Olympics first started, it just didn’t seem like anybody cared, but now it seems as if everyone is talking about them with genuine interest.

Phelps winning his eighth gold medal in one Olympics will be a sporting moment that I’ll never forget. It will most likely be a sporting moment like the American hockey team beating the Russians back in the day or like McGwire’s 62nd homerun before we all knew the horrible truth about big fellas in baseball. Maybe we’ll all talk about where we were and what we were doing on the day Phelps made history…

I was picking trash out of the stands here at the Arkansas Travelers’ ballpark after a game had ended. The 4 x 100 relay race was going to be on the big screen, but right before it started, the plug was pulled by the CEO of the baseball team. He didn’t care that nearly 500 fans had stayed around to watch it on the big screen and enjoy the moment with friends. He was more concerned about all of the employees who weren’t doing their work. Just think how far behind we could have gotten in the time it took for that relay race to take place. Thankfully he’s old and on the edge of senility, so I just took off my staff shirt and hat and walked to the concourse lobby to watch the race on a smaller outdoor television. Since he has no idea who I am with my gear off, I stood right beside him and watched the race and even said “How about that?” to him after it was over. Where were you, and what were you doing?

Moving on to women’s gymnastics! Oh yeahhhhh!!! Our girls brought home the silver as a team. It was devastating to watch Alicia Sacramone make mistakes on the floor and on the balance beam for two reasons. Number one, she had worked and trained incredibly hard to get to the Olympics and compete on behalf of her nation. Number two, and most important for me; she’s good looking. Nobody wants to see a beautiful American gymnast fail, right? Why couldn’t she just be ugly? That way we wouldn’t have to care. Just kidding (maybe). Following the team event, Nastia Liukin got nasty and won the gold in the individual all around. Shawn Johnson was close behind finishing with the silver. And as for the men…I don’t know. Who cares anyway?

Former Heel Shalane Flanagan made some noise on the track last week. She earned the bronze in the 10,000 meter run. Flanagan was an outstanding runner at UNC, and I know she had an endorsement deal with Nike for a while. She may still have it. A while back she was in at least one Nike commercial that I know of, and she could have been in more. Well, she just did it in Beijing, so good for her.

Right now the basketball team is making it look easy…as they should. A drunken monkey should be able to coach a team as talented as this one, but I guess Coach K deserves a little bit of credit. Hey, remember that time Coach K got light-headed and curled up in the fetal position on the court? HA! At least when Coach Williams parties with a lack of oxygen or vertigo he drops to a knee and puts his head down like a normal person.

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Wolfpack team that day,
The Heels led forty-nine to ten with but one quarter left to play.
So with Evans, Beck and Glennon on the sidelines getting ice,
O’Brien said some words out loud that weren’t extremely nice.

The Tar Heels, on the other hand, were enjoying quite a year,
With Beano Cook proclaiming them "best in the Hemisphere."
He said, “I love my Irish, but when they went to the Hill,
The Tar Heels won by thirty-four and completely crushed their will.”

At the outset of the season, no one knew how good they’d be,
They’d been picked to finish second, but that was not a guarantee.
So when McNeese rolled into town, a statement then was made,
And teams that had to play the Heels became fearful and afraid.

One Thursday night in Jersey, Greg Schiano’s hair turned gray,
As the Tar Heels scored a half a hundred in Piscataway.
Frank Beamer came to Chapel Hill and was dealt a mighty blow,
And when he left, he wished he’d never told ol’ Dickie “No.”

The trip to Coral Gables made the Hurricanes' team ache,
And Arthur Brown then realized that he'd made a big mistake.
The Huskies of Connecticut thought they’d be a noble threat,
But T.J. Yates still threw for five, and barely broke a sweat.

There was ease in Butch's manner as he put teams in their place;
There was pride in Butch's bearing and a smile on Butch's face.
And when the Kenan crowd called out, he'd calmly wave his hand,
As the strains of “Hark the Sound” exuded loudly from the band.

A throng of eyes were on him when the Irish came to town;
A horde of tongues applauded when he calmly beat them down.
For Groh, the Heels ascension made his season even worse,
Defiance gleamed in Butch's eye, as he squashed the C’ville curse.

The BC team was lousy, but the Jackets had won eight,
And the game was tied at twenty-four, and the hour was getting late.
With thirteen ticks left on the clock, the Heels were at the ten,
But the referee had been paid that day, and now the fix was in.

As the oblong pigskin football then came hurtling through the air,
Brooks Foster stood there waiting calmly in the end zone there.
The ball fell neatly in his hands, and now the Tar Heels led,
"We've won the game!" cried Foster. "False start," the referee said.

From the bleachers, blue with people, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore.
"Kill him! Kill the referee!" shouted someone from the stands;
And its likely they'd a-killed him had not Butch then raised his hand.

With a smile of Christian charity great Butch's visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to Greg Little, who this time took the ball,
And now the ref knew better than to blow another call.

As Little crossed the goal line, he saw the clock strike nil,
He'd scored the winning touchdown, life was grand in Chapel Hill.
The next week's trip to Maryland saw the Heels extend their streak;
The Fridge was big as ever, but his team was rather weak.

And thus the Heels were undefeated when the Wolfpack came to town,
While the red and white looked as they did when coached by Chuck the Clown.
And now football has concluded, and now their faces they have hid;
And now they can but shudder as they turn their hopes to Sid.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere kids can cheer,
But there is no joy in Raleigh - they'll have to wait another year.

By the time you read this, the medal counts will already be outdated and inaccurate, but we’ve got to have some Olympic coverage at CWC, right? Actually, we probably don’t need any Olympic coverage at all. We’re in America. Here in America, we only care about two things: College sports and the “World Championships” handed out by professional leagues that are completely housed within the borders of the USA and Canada. What a joke. Where are we at in society? Why don’t we care about the Olympics? I’m not going to sit here and analyze that question, because I don’t have enough time. I’m just going to give you my Olympic breakdown.

We’ll start with the overall medal count. China has eight and the US has eight, but China has six golds while we only have two. South Korea also has more golds than the US with three. Let’s get something straight: gold is all that matters. If you ain’t first, you’re last. Second place is the first loser. And third place…third place? Who cares? Four of America’s eight medals are bronze. WEAK! They should give them back or sell them on Ebay. Perhaps you’re saying, “Well I’d like to see you win a medal in the Olympics, Casey.” Shut up. It’s not like you’ve never criticized talented athletes before. And besides, if I were a highly-tuned Olympic athlete, I wouldn’t have time to provide you with Americana Mondays each week of the college sports off-season. Going by the OVERWHELMING positive response I’ve received from Americana Monday readers this year, I wouldn’t want to deprive anyone of this column.

Back to the medal count. So South Korea has 5 medals in all, putting them in third place. Italy and Russia have 4 medals a piece, and Japan, France, and North Korea each have 3 medals. The former Soviet Union would be ashamed with Russia’s Olympic performance so far. Back in the day, the Soviets basically started a child’s Olympic training as soon as they exited their mother’s womb.

To the French now; I don’t expect much from them in these Olympics. Maybe they should stop smoking so many of those girly cigarettes (you know; the ones that look like Virginia Slims). When it comes to athletics, would anybody even care about France if not for the Tour de France? I don’t think so. And when they play soccer internationally…what a bunch of wimps. They do nothing but flop. This is pretty much the wrap on any international “futbol.” For those of you waiting for soccer to catch on in America...bless your little hearts; you’re so cute and naive.

I see Germany is way down on the list with one crappy bronze medal. Maybe Barak Obama will make one more international stop and come by the German locker room to give them another inspirational pep talk.

Austria, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s country of origin, has one silver medal. I think the Austrians are currently lobbying the Olympic committee to make “Flexing” an Olympic sport, but until that day comes, they’ll have to settle for success in the winter games only.

Lastly, it looks like a butt load of countries (19 in fact) like Turkey, Uzbekistan, Algeria, and Zimbabwe have 1 medal apiece. Are the Olympics sort of like the SAT? Do you get one medal just for signing in?

What can we expect and hope for, for America? Well, all of us should start drafting our “thank you” letters to Michael Phelps right now. He is going to single-handedly keep us in the medal chase with his swimming expertise. I’m not taking anything for granted with the US basketball team. It may appear as if they all have their heads screwed on properly right now, but we’ll see what happens. Those arrogant, selfish, overpaid pricks better suck it up and play team ball for a change, or they're going to get embarrassed again. International basketball isn’t what it once was. The NBA style of play doesn’t even come close to getting it done against the well-oiled machines the US is going to be up against. If the “Redeem Team” fails though, the blame won’t fall squarely on the shoulders of the players. We all know that it will mainly fall on the shoulders of USA head coach, Mike Krewqioewrnflzjfiozdklfweixwhatever-shef-ski.

That’s it for the Olympic break down. Have a nice day.

It's that time of year. Time to break down the schedule and mathematically prove why Carolina will be undefeated this year. Quick review of the transitive property:

Carolina is scheduled to play Team X. Last year Carolina beat Team Y, who beat Team X. Therefore, Carolina will beat team X this year.

Also, please note that the transitive property doesn't work in reverse. Only in our favor. Sorry, we don't make the rules. On to the schedule...

McNeese State - Because of the complete and utter lack of common opponents, the Cowboys are a tough team to transitivitize, but it can be done. Last year, McNeese lost only one game--a 44-15 shellacking at the hands of Eastern Washington. But the very next week, Eastern Washington lost to Appalachian State. The Mountaineers, of course, lost to Wofford, and while the N.C. State Wolfpack didn't have a stellar season, they did beat Wofford. Maryland destroyed N.C. State in the final game of the season, and Carolina beat Maryland in Kenan Stadium. Therefore, Carolina > McNeese State.

Rutgers - This isn't hard. The Scarlet Knights lost to the aforementioned Terrapins, who lost to Carolina. Therefore, Carolina > Rutgers.

Virginia Tech - The Hokies had a great season in 2007, but not great enough to avoid a transitive defeat in Chapel Hill in 2008. They lost to Boston College when Matt Ryan led a remarkable fourth quarter comeback, but the Eagles lost to--guess who--Maryland, who lost to Carolina. Therefore, Carolina > Virginia Tech.

Miami - Maybe you remember the Hurricanes losing in Kenan Stadium last year? Carolina > Miami.

Connecticut - The Huskies were solid last year, but their 17-16 loss to Virginia will come back to bite them here. The Cavs lost to Virginia Tech, who we've already determined is transitively inferior to the Heels. Therefore, Carolina > Connecticut.

Notre Dame - As bad as the Fighting Irish looked last season, we could probably prove that they won't win a single game this season. But for our purposes, we just need to know that they lost to Michigan. Of course, the Wolverines lost the upset of the millenium to the Mountaineers, who lost to Wofford, who lost the Wolfpack, who lost to Maryland, who lost to Carolina. Therefore, Carolina > Notre Dame.

Virginia - See the Connecticut formula. Carolina > Virginia.

Boston College - Simple two-generation formula. Eagles lost to Maryland, who lost to Carolina. Therefore, Carolina > BC.

Georgia Tech - Carolina almost beat the Yellow Jackets last year, but "almost" doesn't count with the transitive property. But it counts that they lost to those helpful Terrapins. Therefore, Carolina > Georgia Tech.

Maryland - If you haven't noticed by now, Carolina beat the Fridge last year. Carolina > Maryland.

N.C. State - Carolina would have beaten Wolfpack last season, but for the fact that Chuck Amato no longer coaches there. However, the 'Pack was embarrassed by Maryland. Therefore, Carolina > N.C. State.

Duke - Beat 'em. Like always. Carolina > Duke.

Simple as that. Undefeated. Mark it down. And tell your friends.

Is stadium expansion a good thing or a bad thing? CWC's Scholar and Gentleman hash it out...

Scholar: I've been doing some reading on this Kenan Stadium expansion plan, and I've got to tell you--I think it's a bad idea.  Now, before you cut me off in mid-sentence and tell me what an idiot I am, just hear me out.  I'm not one of those people who opposes spending money to improve the game day atmosphere on Saturday afternoons in Kenan.  I just want the funds to be spent properly.

Instead of spending millions of dollars to expand the stadium, I think we should spend millions to retract it.  Currently, Kenan seats 60,000 people.  That's too many.  You don't want just any Joe Schmoe to be able to walk up to the gate on game day and find someone willing to part with a spare ticket.  So I propose we scale the stadium back to 50,000 seats.  This will keep the riff raff that comes to the games to a minimum and also assure a packed house every week.  I know what you're going to say.  "You just cost the University a boat load of money in lost ticket revenue."  Oh contraire, my friend.  I just made the University money.  Currently, tickets go for $45 per game.  With seven home games and 60,000 people, that's $18.9 million per season in ticket sales.  Now let's scale it back to 50,000 seats.  Obviously, simple supply and demand dictates that we increase the price of seats.  Let's take them to $55 (and that's being generous, as tickets as rare as these should be priced much higher).  With the same assumptions in place, annual revenue now jumps to $19.25 million.  You're welcome.

Increased ticket prices will not only bring in more revenue, but it will also allow the football program to foster the attitude of elitism previously reserved only for Carolina basketball ticketholders.  Individuals will be forced to donate additional money to the Ram's Club every year just to have a chance to purchase football tickets.  Everybody wins!

Gentleman: I'm glad that you're at least trying to think independently, but you've landed on the wrong side of the supply/demand debate.

Let's use the current oil "crisis" as an example.  The problem is simple—price is too high.  (At least for us consumers; the producers are fine with the price).  How, then, do you remedy the problem?  One of two ways—either you increase supply (i.e. drill in Alaska or invade Qatar and make it a U.S. territory) or decrease demand (i.e. force Americans to drive hybrids or invent a windmill-powered sport utility vehicle).  The debate between opposing viewpoints on this matter is not the desire for a different end result; everyone wants a lower price.  No, the question is how to best make that happen—do we increase supply or decrease demand?

The solution that would most benefit you (the scholar) and I (the gentleman) as individuals is obvious.  Increasing supply does nothing to inconvenience us or change our daily lives.  We continue driving the vehicles that we want to drive and we continue traveling as far and as often as we want.  But because of increased supply, the price goes down.

So now, let's look at your ticket price debate.  You've created an inverse problem—instead of wanting prices to go down, you want them to go up.  Ergo, we must either decrease supply or increase demand.  You foolishly chose the former.  Now, every Saturday, you'll have 10,000 Carolina football fans that don't get to see their team play.  This creates an unhappy fan base (because many fans have to stay at home), unhappy players and coaches (because stadium atmosphere takes a hit), and unhappy Chapel Hill merchants and restaurateurs (because of fewer people in town on game day).

If only you'd elected to increase demand by simply creating a perennial football powerhouse.  This would have led to happier Carolina fans (60,000 instead of 50,000 get to attend games), happier coaches and players (better stadium atmosphere), and happier Chapel Hill merchants and restaurateurs (more people in town AND happier people spend more money). In fact, you could have so greatly increased demand and driven prices up so much that you could have necessitated an expanded stadium.

Your most convincing argument for stadium retraction is your desire for a sense of elitism and entitlement.  You should have run with that.

Scholar: Actually, I'm yet to unveil my most convincing argument.  I purposely saved it for this rebuttal.  The most obvious reason for stadium retraction is so that we can add a retractable dome over the top of Kenan.  Retractable domes have so many benefits I can't even begin to name them all, but suffice it to say that if it's good enough for the Dallas Cowboys, it's good enough for Butch Davis.

As far as your supply/demand logic is concerned, there is a reason I am the scholar of this website and you are but a gentleman.  I've taken scores of economics classes, many of which I attended, and I can unequivocally state that you are incorrect in most of your assumptions.  First of all, the 10,000 fans who have to stay home are actually better off now than had they been able to attend the game.  They get to see the Heels play (on television) and, they get to put half a tank of gas in their Suburban with the money they saved not buying a ticket.  An unintended side effect which I failed to previously consider is the additional revenue the University will make from television contracts, which will be more lucrative because the number of TV viewers has now increased by 10,000 people every Saturday.  Second, the players and coaches aren't unhappy.  Stadium atmosphere cannot take a hit in a retractable dome--it's one of the many benefits of a dome that I didn't name in the previous paragraph.  Third, merchants and restaurateurs will actually benefit from this plan as well.  Instead of hoards of Joe Schmoes loitering around all day taking up valuable table space, local eateries will instead have the privilege of catering to the elitist Richie Riches of the Carolina fan-base who are willing to spend $500 on a bottle of chardonnay. 

Besides that, the plan of "creating a perennial football powerhouse" has already been set in motion with the hiring of Butch Davis.  The discussion here is whether the University would be better served to respond to the already rising demand by expanding the stadium or by retracting the stadium.  Expanding the stadium lowers ticket prices, opens the door to bandwagon fans, and creates a nightmarish parking situation.  Retracting the stadium allows the school to follow the oil companies' lead and gouge prices, fosters an attitude of elitism, and gives us a retractable dome!  The choice is clear.

Now, tell me more about this windmill-powered sport utility vehicle.

Gentleman: Excellent use of "Richie Rich" in a Carolina football debate, without actually referring to the real Richie Rich. I concede.

“People are too dagum soft these days. If you have a problem with somebody, or if somebody ticks you off, you ought to be able to challenge them to a gunfight. Problem solved. Unless that is, you’re too slow. And if you’re too slow, you shouldn’t go around starting gunfights.”
Greg Johnston, North Little Rock, AR

This week we’re going to talk about the philosophy of the Old West. My fascination with the Old West stems from my interest in western movies, especially those that star John Wayne. The philosophy of the Old West is simple, but not very feasible. It's fun to think about though.

The philosophy of the Old West is well summed up in the opening quote from my boss over here in Arkansas. It’s rough, it’s tough, and if you’ve got a problem with somebody, you take care of it. There’s more to it than just gunfights though. Let’s see; there’s whiskey drinking, piano playing, cattle driving, exploring, family raising, farming, wanted posters, poker games, living the manifest destiny, and countless other things I don’t have time to list.

Like anything, the philosophy of the Old West has its positives and it has its negatives. Sure, the modern life we enjoy today may seem 1,000 times better than the way people lived in the 19th century, but let’s just throw everything on the table and re-evaluate for the heck of it.

THE GOOD: Every young boy at some point has thrown on a cowboy hat and pretended to be a cowboy fighting off bandits and rounding up herds on the cattle drive. The Old West was adventurous, and nobody knew what the next day would bring. At that time in American history, the western part of the nation was still being settled, and one could set out in any direction they chose trying to find good land and a great life.

The cowboys of the Old West also knew how to party. We have them to thank for something men still do today: gather, drink, and play poker. However, their carrying of guns made each game a bit more volatile than ours today. I know what some of you may be thinking. “Not everybody carried guns in the Old West.” That’s true, but not carrying a gun in Wild West would be about as stupid as not wearing a seatbelt in a NASCAR race.

There was little or no nonsense in the Old West. First and foremost, there were no hippies. That’s a big plus in my book. Also, if you tried to explain the concept of being “politically correct” to someone in the Old West, they would laugh at you and spit tobacco in your eye. Then, they would hop on their horse and say “how’s that for ‘politically correct’” as they rode away laughing and hollering with their posse while they fired rifles aimlessly into the air.

Let’s not forget about the railroad. Today we’ve got the interstate system; back then they were working on the Trans-Continental Railroad, and it was something else. It was completed in 1869, and it could get you just about anywhere you wanted to go. The railroad helped to develop areas economically. It helped outlaws escape the law, and it provided a good target for them as well. The railroad also helped the good guys chase down and catch the outlaws.

And the women…oh boy! Have you seen many westerns? Those girls knew how to dress. They proved that more is less. However, you would have wanted to stay away from the “friendly” women that lived on the second floor of the saloon. They were naughty. Very, very naughty.

THE BAD: In the Wild West you always had to be on the look out for bandits! We have enough bank robberies here in the 21st century. Lack of electronic security and technology made it a lot easier to get away with stealing dough back then. In the Old West you were better off burying your gold and money in a box way out past the big rock, beyond the Devil’s Canyon, right under the big oak tree, along the river.

Even though the Wild West provided a fantastic opportunity for exploration and adventure, it also provided a fantastic opportunity to get lost and never be heard of again. That’s right; lots of folks took off and were never heard of again. ANYTHING could have happened to them: a bear attack; a failed attempt at “fording” the river; lack of food; dysentery; losing a gunfight; winning a gunfight, but then being shot from behind by the loser’s low-down sidekick; a fall into a canyon; a snake bite; getting hit by Doc Brown’s Delorean while he’s on one of his crazy time travel trips to the Wild West; dehydration, or an American badger attack.

THE UGLY: We touched on dysentery already, but the wide array of other diseases and the lack of advanced medicine is a crucial short coming of the Wild West. People died all the time! A lot of times when someone died, it was blamed on “The Fever” or the “Yellow Fever” but they actually died of various illnesses that couldn’t be properly diagnosed at the time.

Conflict with Native Americans is another sad and upsetting element of the Wild West. “Manifest Destiny” is a term you hear often in regards to continued settlement towards the West…but there were some folks that were already there. This resulted in some conflict. It was indeed ugly. Sometimes relations were peaceful, but more often than not, there was some fighting. Trust was hard to gain by both parties. The whole situation is very difficult to analyze without bias or conflicting emotions, so we’re just going to leave it alone.

Lastly, there were drunks. “We have drunks today!” you might say. At least today, a much smaller percentage of drunks walk around strapped with revolvers.

So there you have a very, very abbreviated synopsis of philosophy and ways of the Old West. I think I would have loved it…as long as I could avoid all the deadly stuff. No risk, no reward, right? There’s lots of stuff that can kill you today too. I’m going to grab some Wild Turkey and a gun, and then I’m going to head over to Doc Brown’s house to party. We’ll see what happens.

It’s time for an Americana Monday’s curveball. Today we’re counting down the top five American animals. Count downs always spark intense debate because something always gets left out, and people always question the order. So let’s do it. Let’s party with the top five animals in America!

5) Squirrel

Kicking off our top-5 is the sometimes pesky but always awesome Great American Rodent: The Squirrel. North Carolina natives are especially familiar with the squirrel, and anyone who has stepped foot on the campus of UNC has gotten their share of squirrel interaction. There are several different squirrel species in America, but those that live in the southeast are most familiar with the Eastern Gray Squirrel. Squirrels are very clever and can be trained and hand fed. Perhaps America’s most famous squirrel is "Twiggy the Water Skiing Squirrel." You can tell by Twiggy’s actions that he has no idea what’s going on, but it makes for great video. He should really consider wearing a life jacket. Although squirrels can be trained like Twiggy, you must be careful because they reportedly do a very poor job of distinguishing between food and finger tips. Many homeowners hate squirrels because they will chew holes in anything and everything. Case in point: My grandfather once had a problem with squirrels getting into his chimney and chewing holes in various places around his house. What did he do about it? He sat on his porch with a shotgun…and waited. He got a few, but most survived the event. Please don’t call PETA.

4) Badger

Coming in at number 4 is the American Badger. Don’t be fooled by badger’s innocent looks…they can mess you up. They are lean, mean, killing machines. The American Badger is a North American cousin of one of the most ferocious mammals on the planet: the Honey Badger. I would tell you more about Honey Badgers, but I don’t want to be responsible for giving you nightmares…

The American Badger is ferocious enough. It is an omnivore that diets mostly on ground squirrels, prairie dogs and moles. You don’t want a badger partying in your garden either; they eat peas, green beans, corn, and mushrooms but they do not live in the South, so you should be alright.

The American Badger makes the list mostly because of its fighting spirit. Like the Americans in the Revolutionary War, the badger often seems overmatched but refuses to lose. Badgers will fight much larger animals including coyotes, wolves and bears. They will protect their young and their dignity at all costs. When fighting larger mammals that are male, badgers will attack a particularly sensitive area…Man Land. Catch my drift? Badgers attack the family jewels. They don’t fight fair; they fight to win.

3) Grizzly Bear



At number 3 is another animal that is best admired from afar: the Grizzly Bear. Grizzly bears are mostly found in Alaska, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming and Washington. They are omnivores and contrary to popular belief, they most often scavenge instead of killing their meals. I have seen two grizzly bears in person while in Glacier National Park in Montana. One was about a quarter of a mile away, and the other was less than 250 yards away! That’s as close as you’d ever want to get. They don’t look for trouble, but if they find it, they’ll take care of business. They are perfectly content eating berries, wildflowers, and fish, but they will eat humans if food is hard to come by or if a human threatens one of their cubs.

One of the most amazing documentaries you will ever see is Grizzly Man. It’s about an idiot named Timothy Treadwell who spent over a decade in the wild in Alaska living with Grizzlies. As you can imagine, this didn’t end well for Treadwell, but he captured some AMAZING video before be became a grizzly’s dinner.

When hiking in areas populated with grizzly bears, you should actually make lots of noise to avoid scaring a grizzly and putting them into protection mode. More often than not, they will not look for confrontations and they are actually scared of humans. If you ever have a close encounter with a grizzly bear, do not look them directly in the eyes (this only ticks them off). Do not run (they can run nearly 30 milers per hour, and they will catch you). Do not climb a tree unless it’s too small for the grizzly to climb (they can climb too). “They” say the best thing to do is to lie prone with your face to the ground and your legs spread. Good luck with that. Hopefully the bear will be disgusted by the smell of the poop and pee that is sure to escape your insides in the event of an attack.

2) Bald Eagle



You can’t have a Top 5 American Animals countdown without including the Bald Eagle (well you could, but you’d be a communist). The bald eagle became the national emblem of the United States in 1782. Female bald eagles are large and in charge growing bigger than the males. Females can weigh up to 15 pounds, and they have a wing span of up to 8 feet. A bald eagle can live up to 60 years. It’s such a shame that so few of them make it to retirement.

Bald eagles once faced extinction forcing Congress to pass the Bald Eagle Protection Act which basically makes it illegal to look at an eagle the wrong way. Thanks to the act and several breeding programs, the eagle is back on the comeback trail. The Bald Eagle will feed on just about anything but it prefers fish. Usually it lives on a steady diet of trout, salmon, muskrats, and hippies.

1) Tyler Hansbrough

At number one is an animal that has all the qualities of the other 4 and more! At number one is the man, the myth, the legend, Tyler Hansbrough. What’s more American than being an All-AMERICAN in his first 3 seasons? What’s more American than being the 2007-2008 AMERICAN College Basketball Player of the Year according to multiple sources? Some may say that Tyler is a human, and he can’t qualify as an animal. To that I say, have you seen him play? Let’s consider some of the adjectives that describe Hansbrough’s performance on the court: clever, quick, high-flying, rabid, squirrelly, psychotic, alpha male-dominate, and wild. Sounds like an animal to me. You can question any other part of this countdown, but you can’t question #1; Hansbrough is the most awesome American animal. Period. You’re welcome.

Honorable Mention:

The honorable mention list could go on and on, but here are a few that definitely make the cut:

The sasquatch (AKA yeti, Bigfoot, and abominable snowman): The sasquatch was left out of the top 5 simply because we could neither confirm nor deny its existence. As you know, we here at Carolina Water Cooler take pride in our credibility and accuracy, so the yeti was forced to the honorable mention list.

Cows and Horses: Lots of us love horses and bovines but there lack of wildness prevents them from making the top 5. They’re just a little to domesticated to party with the likes of say, the badger.

Dogs and Cats: Same deal here. We all love doggies and/or kitties, but this really goes without saying doesn’t it? Let some other animals have some of the spotlight for a change!

Cougars, wildcats, and the lynx: Of all the honorable mentions, these three wild felines were the closest to making the cut. You may not always see a cougar, but let me tell you something, it always sees you…and when it sees you, it’s too late. I am actually concerned that word of this column will get out into the American Animal Kingdom sparking a cougar and wildcat uprising. This would be bad; very very bad. Unlike other animals, cougars and wildcats don’t attack; they assassinate.

Others receiving votes:

The armadillo, the beaver, the dolphin, the ram, the mountain goat, the moose, the polar bear (Alaska), the hamster, the guinea pig, the gator, the black bear, the cardinal, the wolf, the black-footed ferret, the American bison, the eastern box turtle, the pelican, the mallard duck, the baby pig

Another batch of unfortunate souls did a bit of google searching this month. Unfortunately for them, they landed in our archives...

"cedric the entertainer" "tortoise and the hare" VIDEO - Good thing you capitalized "video." Really seems to have helped you target your search.

16 oz cooler and 5 year pin NRA - Is that really all you get for five years of service to the NRA? A 16 ounce cooler and a pin?

download ace ventura alrighty then chant - Pretty sure the entire "chant" is just that. "Alrighty then." Anything else we can help you with?

"jones angell" bio - Hmmm, maybe we can actually help out with this one. Let's see...Born in Jacksonville, NC, the Venerable Jones Angell grew up in several different towns across these United States. Or maybe he lived in a bunch of different towns first, and then went to high school in Jacksonville? Or maybe his only connection to Jacksonville was that he once shot a man there. Just to watch him die. On second thought, maybe we can't help with this one.

bob barker activities - These days? Spaying and neutering, mostly.

robert rome pedophile - When have we ever used the word "pedophile" in anything that we've written?

billy packer baby's butt explosive - Yes, Billy Packer is very much like something that would explode out of a baby's butt. So what was your question, again?

geico demoted a managing attorney position in miami, florida - And, ironically, her job was so easy that they replaced her with a caveman.

jim grobe on a possible 6th year eligibility for ben mauk - You know Ben transferred to Cincinnati, right?

after roy williams turned down unc in 2001, who did coach smith recommend to dick baddour - Funny story--it was actually Carl Torbush.

bojangles and ejaculation in gravy in durham nc - No comment.

the crowds electrifying cheers boom around the stadium, the players are pumped then the referee`s whistle is blown - Not sure what you were looking for here, but you probably would have had better luck if you'd started this eloquently written google search with, "It was a dark and stormy night..."

CHAPEL HILL - Oklahoma men's basketball coach Warren Weston Miller has become the 22nd head coach at North Carolina. The hiring was announced at a press conference in the Roy A. Williams Conference Room yesterday.

"I'm thrilled about the chance to return to my alma mater," Miller said. "I'm grateful for the people who gave me the opportunities that got me to this point, and I'm just ecstatic to be given this chance to come back home."

Miller was the first choice of North Carolina athletic director Aaron O'Hare. The only question was whether or not Carolina would be able--or more accurately, willing--to pay Miller's hefty buyout.

"We knew from day one that Wes was the direction we wanted to go," O'Hare said. "There were some logistics and technicalities that we had to work out, but we didn't let any of those things become a distraction."

Miller began his coaching career in 2007 as an assistant coach at Elon University, just one year after graduating from North Carolina. After spending three seasons with the Phoenix, he came home to Chapel Hill as an assistant coach under Roy Williams. Four seasons later, at age 32, he returned to Elon as the head coach.

Miller spent 11 seasons with the Phoenix, transforming the program from Southern Conference cellar-dweller to the league's perennial favorite--a task that became much easier when veteran Davidson head coach Bob McKillop retired and was replaced by Shavlik Randolph.

Miller moved to Oklahoma at the end of the 2026 season, after the retirement of longtime Sooner coach Jeff Capel. During his ten seasons at the helm there, Miller guided Oklahoma to seven Sweet Sixteen appearances and two Final Fours, most recently in 2033.

"I'll never forget the time that I spent and the things that I learned at both Elon and Oklahoma," Miller said. "I'll miss every single person back in Norman, and it broke my heart to leave my players, but this was an opportunity that I just couldn't turn down."

It was an opportunity that was costly for the University of North Carolina to provide - Miller's contract buyout at Oklahoma was hefty $3.5 million. Though O'Hare didn't mention him specifically by name, his allusion to "a big Carolina fan up in Norfolk" was an obvious reference to former Tar Heel player Ed Geth--now the owner of a multi-billion dollar publishing company. Sources close to the situation have confirmed that Geth's company offered to pay more than 90 percent of the buyout.

As for his coaching staff, Miller says no decision has been made yet.

"Obviously we're going to have to wait and see what happens in Oklahoma. I really hope that Jonathan [Holmes] is given the chance to go from assistant to head coach there, but we'll see what the administration decides. There are some very talented people here that could do a great job, as well. Pat [Sullivan] comes to mind as well as plenty of others."

Had a deal not been reached with Miller, Sullivan was the clear second choice to replace Hobbs. In the end, though, despite the endorsement of the legendary Dean Smith, Sullivan's age worked against him.

"I've said all along that I think Pat would be a terrific head coach here," Smith said after the press conference. "That's nothing against Wesley...Weston...there; I'm sure he'll do great. But Pat's always been loyal. I'll never forget the day he came in my office and said 'Coach, here are some tomatoes from my garden.' There were a lot of them; they reminded of those good tomatoes we used to get at Mama Dip's before they closed about 10 years ago. But, I just think Wesley will do a great job."

Though he's not allowed to hold anything resembling a formal workout with his new Carolina team, Miller says that he'll plan to hit the road recruiting immediately.

Missed an episode? Check the archives...

Episode I

Episode II

Last week on Americana Mondays, I praised one big American business: Walmart. This week I’m going to trash another American business: Anheuser-Busch. I would first like to thank Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy for helping me find the words to cope with this pathetic event. Coach Gundy’s 2007 press conference freak out about a quarterback who lost his starting spot really offers good material for any situation that may anger you. If you need a refresher course, visit YouTube. I have italicized everything in this column that I got and/or modified from Gundy’s fantastic rant against the media.

I want to talk to you today about this merger right here. The sell of Budweiser to the Belgian brewing company, InBev makes me embarrassed to be a part of American consumer culture…tremendously. There’s nothing good about this merger, and I will not drink Anheuser-Busch products again…unless the born-on date is before the date of the merger announcement.

The brilliant ownership group at AB decided to ruin their brand because they couldn’t turn down $52 billion. It’s yet another case of greedy money hounds looking out for number one. They have taken a great American success story and turned it into a tale of one of the biggest American sellouts in history. Are you kidding me?

Let met tell you what I don’t like about this merger. Budweiser was first brewed by an Italian immigrant in 1876 about a decade after the conclusion of the Civil War. What a perfect American success story of an immigrant looking for a new start in a land of promise. It ain’t perfect anymore. No matter what they say, the ownership group at AB did this simply for the money. Where are we at in society today? They were not concerned with the American legacy that Anheuser-Busch had created. All the money involved in this deal will go straight to the top. It won’t help to better the beer, it won’t benefit employees, and it won’t help the economy. Each shareholder will receive $70 a share. Whoopty freakin’ do. I hope it was worth it.

What are my qualifications for making a statement about the American economy you may wonder? Well I’m not qualified at all to make statements about the economic impact of a large brewing merger, but my brother is an economics professor, and that counts for something…right? Bottom line is Budweiser is American and InBev ain’t. There like oil and water; they don’t mix.

"This combination will create a stronger, more competitive global company with an unrivaled worldwide brand portfolio and distribution network, with great potential for growth all over the world," Carlos Brito, CEO of InBev said in a statement. What the heck does that even mean? WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN YOU MISCHIEVIOUS BELGIAN? This merger is garbage. And the man in charge at AB that let it happen is garbage. If you want to go after a brewery, one of OUR BREWERIES, go after one that doesn’t taste good (like Sam Adams which tastes like rotten pizza that has been ran through a blender and then strained). If you have a favorite beer some day, you’ll understand how I feel. Maybe you don’t have a favorite beer; I do. Maybe someday you will, and you’ll understand. InBev says they want to establish a firm footprint in locations where they are expanding; that ain’t true. They just want to take a piece of our dignity away. They say the merger will help both sides; that’s not true. They want to make an AMERICAN brand theirs.

I just don’t understand why the ownership group at AB thought it was necessary to fix something that wasn’t broke. They didn’t need this. They already had over 50% of the share in the American beer industry, and they were doing just fine internationally as well. Those greedy, cotton-headed, ninny muggins’. What were they thinking?

And InBev. They’ve got some nerve. If InBev wants to come after somebody, they can come after me. I’m a man. I’m 23. I’m not a kid. I can drink legally. I would have sent Mr. InBev back to Belgium with a black eye. The geniuses in charge at AB acted childish, seeing only dollar signs when they should have been considering the cultural impact of this move. They’re supposed to be mature adults, but they’re really not. Who’s the kid here? WHO’S THE KID HERE? Are you kidding me?

That’s all I got to say. Makes me want to puke.

(And the gallery applauds)

I’m going to start by first apologizing to the huge and ever-growing Muffin Nation. It’s called Americana Monday’s for a reason, and I let all of you down. I submit my late entry to you with my tail between my legs. A loyal reader who goes by the nickname “Snuggles” said it best. “What the heck? It’s Americana Monday’s and the Muffin is a no show.” Just like Ruben Studdard: I’ve apologized a million times before, but here it comes again for all the wrong I’ve done. Here’s one-million-one. I’m sorry. (But in all fairness, I've just been busy for the last 48 hours celebrating Billy Packer's "retirement").

Now, on to business. This week’s topic is Wal-Mart: AMERICAN.

Wal-Mart was founded by the man, the myth, the legend Sam Walton back in 1962. It was incorporated in 1972 when it debuted on the New York Stock exchange. Sam Walton is without a doubt the pride and joy of Kingfisher, Oklahoma where he was born in 1918, 10 years after the Cubs' last World Series title. As if placing one city on the map wasn’t enough, Walton put Wal-Mart’s headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas where the folks absolutely love good ol’ Sammy. I know, I’ve been through there…the city should just change its name to Wal-Mart…they have a Wal-Mart Café, a Wal-Mart gas station, a Wal-Mart guest center, a Wal-Mart auto center, etc., etc…it’s awesome.

Believe it or not, there are some agencies who say Wal-Mart is the biggest corporation in the world having $404 billion, surpassing even ExxonMobil. I don’t think that’s true, but it’s interesting to know that Wal-Mart is even close. It’s too bad Sammy passed away in 1992 before seeing Wal-Mart become the Gigantor of American business. Just this year, they decided to take out the hyphen, and it is now Walmart. So when a new store opens up, look for the difference and tell those to your immediate right or left. They’re sure to be amazed. You can thank me later for being the life of the party.

Walmart is so much more than a place for “Always low prices.” It’s become a social institution. My parents and grandparents just drove 14 hours to visit me in Little Rock, and do you know where we went for no particular reason? Walmart.

We just walked around, and chatted. Mom and Grandmother took off towards the clothes while me, the T-Bone (my dad), and Granddaddy Jim walked through the Lawn Care Center and then zigzagged all the way to Electronics. Twice I caught myself asking my dad, “Why exactly are we here?” His response to the question I already knew the answer to was, “I’m not really sure.” But that was exactly the point--we were just going there to walk around and take it easy. That’s odd isn’t it? I bet you’ve done it before with friends or family too. What is it that binds us to that place like none other?

I remember in high school when me and the guys got together on Friday and Saturday night, Walmart would actually be part of our plans. Our plans went something like this: “Aight, let’s go holler at Sonic for some burgers, then we’ll drive over to the golf course to see if there’s anything cool to mess with and/or steal, then we’ll go to Wal-Mart to party, and then we’ll go catch the 10:30 movie.”

Walmart has a kind of State Fair atmosphere to it doesn’t it? You’re sure to see some nice ones in there. You’re sure to see some fellas and gals that just ain’t right. That’s part of the fun. One of my most memorable American-consumer moments came in Wal-Mart. I was trying to get to the novelty shirts but I was trapped in an aisle with an obese, camo-wearing, confederate flag waiving good ol’ boy behind me and a sweet but slow old woman pushing a buggy in an unpredictable and unsettling manner. I decided to wait it out and follow her. Big mistake. She let out a fart that would make Larry the Cable Guy blush. I couldn’t help but laugh, and when she turned around all I could say…check that...the only sound I could make was “hmmmm.” I tried to manage a polite smile as I turned around to battle tubby-tubby behind me.

Walmart has its negatives. It’s put thousands of establishments out of business and it’s put several, hard working folks out of a job. It may have single-handedly destroyed the “little man” in the American economy. A majority of the items within aren’t made in the US, but how many places can you go these days where most items are American-made anymore? It’s sad, but that’s what this nation has become. We have to deal with it. Therefore if we’re going to sell out to the rest of the world and watch our economy slowly crumble as the price of dollar drops like an Adam Warren curveball, I want to be in Walmart while it happens. It’s more peaceful that way. When you can buy Wrangler Jeans for 15 dollars, a Dale Earnhardt Jr. shirt for 12, a bug zapper for 18 and a John Wayne double feature for $7.50, it helps to put your (or at least my) mind at ease.

Dear Billy,

Oh Billy, Billy, Billy. It seems we never appreciated you while you were with us. Now that we've had a day to let it soak in that you and the Columbia Broadcasting System are parting ways, it's almost more than we can swallow.

Who's going to take your place as the unwavering supporter of the non-little people? Without you here to belittle the mid-major basketball programs and impugn their right to even exist, how will mediocre programs from major conferences ever have a chance to flame out in the first round of the NCAA tournament themselves? If more people had adopted your way of thinking, we would have never had to endure the harrowing Weber State Experience. Instead of losing to the Wildcats that night, we could have mailed it in against an equally anemic but less embarrasingly-named opponent.

Without your presence in the booth, who will take the time to painstakingly and excrutiatingly explore the trifling minutiae of the game of basketball? While less educated broadcasters are too easily distracted by things like dunks and blocked shots that land four rows up in the stands, only you could ignore a phenomenal display of athleticism just so that you could continue talking about the illegal screen that should have been called seven possessions ago.

Lots of other Carolina fans swear that you hate our team, but we're not sure how they're able to draw that conclusion--unless it's just because any Carolina loss causes you to celebrate as if Wake Forest just advanced to the Sweet Sixteen. But we'll just assume that's because you're such an effervescent and ebullient guy.

Say, have you talked to Allen Iverson recently? We're assuming that everything is cool between the two of you now. Being such a tough monkey, he's probably long forgotten about your on-air indiscretion.

But suffice it to say that the college basketball experience just won't be the same for us anymore. When the season rolls around, we'll try to keep watching games every now and again, but most likely, we'll fag out before conference play even gets started.

In fact, you might even say, "This game is over."

Sincerely,

Stillman and Dave

April 11, 2036

CHAPEL HILL - Butch Davis will miss Saturday's spring football game after undergoing hip replacement surgery at UNC Hospitals.

But the 84 year-old head coach of the Tar Heels expects to be fully healthy in time to begin his 30th season in Chapel Hill this fall. Davis has contemplated retirement every spring for the last seven years, but seems determined for his final season in Chapel Hill to be one that ends with a national championship.

"There are people that have told me that I should help 'guide' him toward retirement, but I'm still not convinced that would be the best thing for the program," said Director of Athletics Aaron O'Hare. "If Coach Davis had it to do over again, maybe he would have ridden off into the sunset after the last national championship nine years ago, but personally, I'm glad he's stuck around."

But not everyone is as comfortable with the drama surrounding Davis' annual decision-making process.

"It can't be good for recruiting--I wish he'd just make up his mind and not play this game every offseason," said one prominent Rams Club booster. "God bless him, he's won four national championships for us, but I haven't seen anyone retire and then un-retire this much since Brett Favre finally hung it up for good back in 2012."

If it's any consolation to Tar Heel fans, they'll get to enjoy one more season with Jeremiah Foster wearing Carolina blue. The Heisman trophy winner officially decided last week that he'll pull his name out of the NFL draft and return to Chapel Hill for his senior season.

"It was a decision that we felt was best for Jeremiah's career," said Foster's father Brooks. "With Bangor having the first pick, we were very afraid that that's where he would end up, and that would have been a calamity."

Ironically, the elder Foster once had a connection to the Bangor Wood Choppers franchise. John Bunting, the man who recruited Foster to Chapel Hill more than thirty years ago, was the principle investor behind the Wood Choppers when they got their start in 2019. But the franchise has gotten steadily worse over the last several years--so bad in fact that Foster is the fourth potential number-one pick to elect to go back to college just to avoid being drafted by them.

Basketball Coaching Search Update

Several sources inside the athletic department have indicated that Oklahoma coach Wes Miller is the clear first choice to fill Carolina's head coaching vacancy and that Miller's interest in the job is high. The only question is whether or not O'Hare will be able to justify absorbing Miller's lucrative contract buyout.

If the Heels are unable to corral Miller, they'll most likely turn to current assistant coach Pat Sullivan. Sullivan's biggest drawback is his age as he'll turn 64 later this year. But he does have one big thing in his favor--the endorsement of Dean Smith. In fact, the former Tar Heel coach has no qualms about publicly stating that he believes Sullivan to be the best man for the job.

"Pat was always a great player for us, and I think he'd just do a super job as the head man at Carolina," Smith said earlier this week. "Just like the time that Ademola won the Nobel Prize and we were watching the game against Kentucky when we all found out. All of the guys were there. Pat was there that day. Or that night. I think it was a night game. But I just think Pat would do a terrific job here if he got the chance."

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