Carolina Water Cooler - The Archives

May: The Month in Review
5/31/10

We at Carolina Water Cooler wish to sincerely apologize for our recent lack of articles. So our Memorial Day gift to you is a recap of the entire month of May. Please imagine that you read a full blown article about each of these events at the time they actually happened, and not a single paragraph summary written weeks after their occurrence...

May 6, 2010 - David and Travis Wear announce that they plan to transfer from the University of North Carolina. We use the terms "David and Travis" and "announce" in the loosest sense possible. In fact, their dad called Roy Williams to inform him that they were taking their ball and going home. Prior to boarding the plane back to California, Travis was overheard saying "I just hope we're twice as successful as Alex Stepheson."

May 7, 2010 - Dave's wife gives birth to their first child, Clayton Isaac. An article was actually posted regarding this event, and Dave then proceeded to not do any website related work for the remainder of May. He also didn't sleep for the rest of the month. With all that time awake, you'd think he could have spared a few hours to churn out a column or two to keep our valued readers entertained.

May 12, 2010 - The ACC/Big 10 Challenge announces that North Carolina will travel to Illinois to take on the Fighting Illini in the 2010 event. Despite having taken two out of three from the Heels in the Challenge, North Carolina still holds the trump card by virtue of their 2005 National Championship victory.

May 14, 2010 - Dave spends the weekend moving into a new home...with a one week old child greatly assisting the process. Stillman spent the majority of the weekend carrying the boxes Clayton was unable to lift, and apparently was so exhausted by his participation that he was rendered incapable of posting any more articles for the remainder of the month.

May 24, 2010 - Justin Knox announces his intention to transfer to North Carolina to play a single season of basketball. The coaching staff did their best to replace the Wear twins' combined 6.4 points and 3.9 rebounds per game, and wound up finding the Alabama transfer who averaged 6.3 points and 3.7 rebounds last season. When you divide those statistics by the number of scholarships tied up, Knox blows the twins away. Expect CWC to print t-shirts with some variation of "Knoxville" on them to complement the current Priceless Gym offering.

May 27, 2010 - The Board of Trustees approves the Carolina Student-Athlete Center for Excellence, which is apparently an easier sell than "Blue Zone." Conversely, "Blue Zone" is a better marketing strategy to the general football ticket buying public than "Carolina Student-Athlete Center for Excellence." Rumor has it there will be a large sign on the entrance to the center that says "Remember the Alamo."

Clayton Isaac Staley: Heir to the CWC Fortune
5/10/10

Congratulations to Dave and Kristin, who gave birth (well, technically Dave was just standing there watching and making sarcastic comments) on Friday to Carolina Water Cooler's firstborn child. Clayton has Kristin's eyes and Dave's small stature.

Roy Williams called late Friday evening, apologizing for his tardiness in the young man's recruitment, but said he hopes that it's not too late for Clayton to consider coming to Chapel Hill in the fall, where he'll be guaranteed a significant amount of playing time at the power forward position.

Dave says that watching his son come into the world was a greater feeling than watching the Heels win the 2009 national championship. He's not sure yet about 2005. Direct quote.

Stillman: Erin Andrews Is Not Hot
4/13/10

So, it turns out that Erin Andrews is not hot.

Believe me, I was more shocked than you to find this out. Friend-of-the-site Bryson has been trying to tell me for months, nay, years that her hotness is only an illusion. But I never believed him. I just thought that maybe he liked little boys or something.

We probably debate this topic twice, maybe three times, every month. When the issue arose tonight, I brashly declared that Erin is hotter than 95% of the world's population. And right on cue, almost as if he'd carefully planned out the entire conversation in advance, Bryson suggested that we watch her on Dancing with the Stars to see how she stacks up against the other ladies there. I obliged, eager to watch my statistical proclamation be borne out. (In retrospect, this may have been nothing more than a way for Bryson to get away with watching Dancing with the Stars without me laughing in his face, but it turned out to be a life-changing event for me).

After watching several minutes of nonsensical gyrating by a group of gentlemen whose sexuality is certainly up for debate, they introduced all of the contestants. (Turns out that Ochocinco is on the show, by the way. But you probably already knew that).

And then, there she was. Erin Andrews. Except...something wasn't right. Not at all. I can't quite describe the problem, other than to say that she was, well, downright hideous. The amount of makeup she was wearing is probably illegal in the state of Utah, and possibly Mississippi. But more than that, she was just...not...attractive.

My initial theory was that perhaps Erin is trying to eilminate all of her stalkers, so she shows up on network television looking like she stole the face off of Pennywise the Dancing Clown. But that didn't seem feasible, which left me turning to Bryson for answers. Here's how he explains it...

The makeup that she was wearing was admittedly gaudy because it was supposed to accentuate whatever costume she was wearing. Other women on the show can get away with it, because they're, you know, hot. But for Erin--someone who's apparently very dependent on makeup to make her attractive--such a cosmetic arrangement becomes a disaster.

But why have I always thought that she was so hot when reporting on tackle football games? It has to be more than a favorable makeup job! Two different things going on there, Bryson explains...

First of all, I'm all hopped up on football hormones. Second, every time that she comes on the screen during a game, I've just spent the last twenty minutes looking at Verne Lundquist. So, of course she looks good.

I know, it's a pretty flimsy theory, but I have nothing better to offer. And my eyes weren't deceiving me. She didn't look good tonight.

That's all I got to say. Makes me wanna puke.

Dave: Expanding the NCAA Tourney
4/3/10

Let's face it. The NCAA Tournament is going to expand. I hate it. You hate it. All other fans hate it. The media hates it. Even the Easter Bunny hates it. But the NCAA likes it, because apparently it's going to make them loads of money. And in the end, that's what college sports are all about.

So now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's focus on making the best of expansion. Because the only thing worse than expanding the NCAA tournament is expanding the NCAA tournament in a foolish fashion. Which is exactly what's being discussed right now. It's like when the ACC decided to expand, and then decided that private schools such as Miami and Boston College would be a perfect fit - instead of at least making a play at a school like West Virginia, for instance. Or, if they were trying to find a school as geographically close to the ACC's core area as BC, they could have gone after UCLA.

The point is, we can't have the expansion of March Madness be as botched as the ACC expansion. And just observing from the outside, it appears that little (if any) thought has gone into the NCAA's decision to expand. Oh sure, they said they considered the options of expanding to 68, 80, and 96, but it's painfully obvious that all they did was input those three numbers into Microsoft Excel and determine which one was the largest (it was 96, for the record).

Maybe that lack of thought could be overlooked if at least a morsel of consideration had been given to how to format the, as Roy Williams would say, "96 team catastrophe." But all the committee did was take the easy road. "Oh, 96 teams now? Let's just give the top 32 a bye. No one will really care for that option, and the student athletes will be out of class from Wednesday through the following Sunday assuming they keep winning, but we don't have to put forth any effort this way. What time does the bank close? We have a big check to cash."

By now you're probably asking what would actually be better. And the answer is simple...

On Sunday night, the tournament field will be announced as always. But now, 96 teams will see their names appear on the screen, 31 of which wouldn't have gotten that feeling if they were stuck playing in the NIT. So we succeed in giving out a participation award, which seems to be a key part of this expansion to 96. That, and gobs of money.

Now for the tricky part. Where, when, and in what format do these teams play one another? What we'll need to create is a sort of alternative-NIT...four brackets of eight teams each. To signify the second class status of these teams, we'll give the regions non-cardinal (basically, compound) directional names. Let's just call them the "Northwest Region," "Southeast Region," "Southmidwest Region," and "Northeast Region." Conference champions (teams that receive automatic bids) will be exempt from participation in this, for lack of a better term, play-in tournament.

In this format, the tournament will now begin on Tuesday. All 32 teams in the compound direction regions will play on the first day of the tournament, and advance to what we'll call the "Subpar Sixteen," which will be played on Wednesday. After the Wednesday games, we will be left with two teams in each compound direction region. These two teams will now become the eight and nine seeds in what we'll refer to as the "real" tournament, though it would probably sound better if we used the phrase "traditional 64 team bracket." So the two teams from the Northwest Region will now be eight and nine in the West, the Southeast will feed into the South, the Southmidwest will feed into the Midwest, and the Northeast will feed into the East.

If you're smart (meaning you don't work for the NCAA), you've probably done a bit of quick math and determined that so far we've only got 88 teams using this method. Truthfully, we should stop there. Honestly, isn't 88 close enough to 96? But 96 was the decision, so let's run with it.

The additional teams will have to be added via play-in games. So the 15 and 16 seeds in each region will now have to win a game before making it to the traditional 64 team bracket. It will be just like the current Tuesday night play-in game, except now instead of just teams 64 and 65 feeling like losers, there are 16 such teams playing on Tuesday night. This option is much more humane. Misery loves company.

And there you have it. By Wednesday night, we have it whittled back down to the 64 team bracket we all know and love. It's your call whether or not your office pool requires you to pick the winners of games played prior to Thursday. My hunch is no - it'll just be too much work. Plus, imagine trying to print the bracket on one page. It's just not feasible.

There are a few alterations that could be made to this plan. There could be requirements that a certain percentage of the "pre-tournament" teams be mid-majors. Or you could have automatic conference tie ins for that portion of the tourney - as they do with bowl games. But this is a good starting point for creating a 96 team tournament that fans would actually still continue to watch, while also keeping student-athletes in the classroom as much as possible. Not to mention making the NCAA a truckload of additional revenue.

Everyone wins. Except the 95 teams that lose.

A Letter to the 2009-10 Basketball Team
4/1/10

Dear 2009-10 Carolina Basketball Team,

Peace out.

Stillman and Dave

Stillman's View from the Couch: Rhode Island
3/30/10

9:20 - Just some basic housekeeping before we get started here...I can't believe that BC fired Al Skinner. What exactly are they expecting out of their basketball program that renders Al's work inadequate? They're something like the 11th most popular team in their city. Not the state, not the state, not the state. We're talking about the city.

9:33 - Just how long is the break between games? They're making us watch a feature about a kid from Youngstown State who got his testicles removed.

9:37 - I heard an interview with Alexander Julian earlier today, and he was talking about how he doesn't get into the ridiculous runway model apparel that can't really be worn in real life situations. He says everything that he designs should be able to be worn in everyday life, and be able to be worn multiple times. Well, Alex, after looking at Roy's jacket and tie, I'm not convinced that you're being truthful with us.

9:44 - Deon just got his shot blocked by the bottom of the backboard. Though, in his defense, he got the "offensive rebound" and put it back in.

9:48 - You might be interested to know that Rhode Island actually leads the all-time series with us, two games to one. But that seems a little irrelevant when our last game against them was the biggest blowout we've ever had in the NCAA tournament.

10:03 - With 9:39 left to play in the first half, we have 23 points. I predict that we will finish the first half with less than 30 points.

10:13 - Friend of the site Benji: "Winning the NIT is like being the skinniest kid at fat camp or the prettiest cheerleader at dook tryouts. You can print that in your CWC."

10:15 - Speaking of Benji, he has an answer to the "what exactly is BC looking for in a coach" question. He says they want more ties,less bicuspid.

10:22 - Exactly 30 points at halftime. But not less than 30. Well, I was close.

10:32 - Benji again: "They just showed an old clip of Quin Snyder and Steve Lavin embracing. This highlight was brought to you by Vidal Sassoon."

10:48 - Every time that LD2 does something good, he does this thing with his lips that makes him look exactly like Curious George. Also, if he took his glasses off, I think C.B. McGrath would look like the Man in the Yellow Hat.

11:05 - Dexter and Henson look like they could make a pretty formidable combo someday. Maybe as soon as Thursday.

11:07 - Benji says that the level of anxiety that he feels about this game ranks somewhere between last year's national championship and playing his sister in Trivial Pursuit.

11:16 - I'm not comfortable with calling them "Rhodie."

11:25 - Trying to think of two seniors that I've missed less than I'll miss Deon and the 2010 version of Marcus. Will Johnson and Jon Holmes, maybe?

11:33 - Not sure if I'd rather have a point guard who plays consistently well all game long, or have this guy who shows up in the final minute to pull our wieners out of the campfire.

11:35 - Overtime. Wish it wasn't 11:35. Just had my bowl of Raisin Bran, and I'm ready for bed.

11:42 - If he keeps playing like this, we'll quit calling him Helen Zeller. He's having a beastly overtime period.

11:49 - Haha. I think we just won on a shoestring tackle at midcourt. Well, I'll take it.

Dave: Previewing the (NIT) Final Four
3/28/10

Excitement is in the air. And it's palpable. You could cut the enthusiasm with a knife. It's time for the Final Four. And yet again, North Carolina will be participating. Sadly, this time it's in the less prestigious of the two upcoming Final Fours. If you define "less prestigious" as "receiving absolutely no attention whatsoever."

There's a poll on the official NIT website asking fans who they think will win the 2010 NIT. You may not believe this, but at the time of this writing 6,694 people actually cared enough to have voted. If you're wondering, 59% of them believed North Carolina will take home the trophy. (There is a trophy for winning this thing, right?)

There would probably be more interest in this Final Four if Illinois and Virginia Tech hadn't both lost last round. Teams with small followings (such as Rhode Island and Dayton) coupled with a tournament publicly labeled "second tier" do not a large revenue generate. Though the "Battle of the Blues" will surely garner tons of national media attention.

The Heels will look to become the first team to win an NCAA Championship in one season and follow it up with an NIT title the following year. In fairness, few squads have had the opportunity to even attempt that feat, as typically a defending champ finds itself back in the Big Dance the following year. Clearly, Carolina just decided that after winning two NCAA titles last decade, they should make a run in a tourney they've only one once - and not since 1971.

Despite their youth, don't expect North Carolina to come into Madison Square Garden wide eyed on Tuesday evening. As unlikely as it sounds, they actually beat an NCAA Tourney two seed (Ohio State) in that very building back in November. Of course, the following night they were punched in the mouth by an NCAA Tourney one seed (Syracuse) in the building. As evidenced by the losses to the Orange and Duke, there is apparently a large difference between a one and two seed this season.

As mentioned, the Heels will be playing Rhode Island in the semifinals on Tuesday evening. Could those guys try any harder to copy the University of North Carolina? First of all, they are one of only three schools we can think of that wear sky blue (with the Citadel being the third). Secondly, they are the Rams. Surely they are aware of Chapel Hill's horned friend, Rameses. Apparently plagiarism isn't frowned upon in "the ocean state."

As far as the basketball teams are concerned, Rhode Island and Carolina both faced Boston College this season, with the Rams' experience being significantly more positive than the Heels. But that was back when Carolina was horrible. Long before the emergence of the new, improved, NIT-dominating Tar Heels.

Should Roy Williams be able to guide his squad to a victory on Tuesday night, they'll advance to the championship game on Thursday evening. We'd give some random facts about the two teams they could potentially face (Mississippi or Dayton), but it's just not worth it. Suffice it to say that one team comes from the upper left region and one comes from the lower left region. The awesome thing is that that's actually how the regions are unveiled on the NIT selection show. No east. No south. Just upper right, lower right, etc.

Tuesday's game will air at 9:00 EST on ESPN2. What's so important to be aired on ESPN in that same time slot? Why, the Women's NCAA Tournament, of course.

Stillman's View from the Couch: UAB
3/23/10

8:58 - It would be much preferred if Texas Tech and Ole Miss didn't go into overtime. That doesn't really strike me as "Prelude to a Championship" programming. Yes, I realize that our game isn't a championship, per se. But Ole Miss and Texas Tech isn't even "prelude to a possible trip to Madison Square Garden, but probably only if Tyler Zeller is healthy enough to play" material.

859 - They're going into overtime. Eh, well. Back to Office reruns on TBS for another five minutes.

9:11 - It's really a humbling experience to have to wait for a game like this to end before we can see our game. It's as if we, as a fanbase, once had a job as the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, and every day when we left the office, we said hello to the janitor in the lobby. But it was always a patronizing hello, and we didn't even know his name, even though he assumed that we did. But we've since gotten fired from our cushy CEO job, and we had to take a job as a janitor in that same building just to make ends meet. And now, we report directly to the guy whose name we didn't know before. (His name is Tony, we've since found out). And Tony is a really nice guy, and he works hard at his job, but we know that we shouldn't be working at a job where Tony is our direct supervisor. That's what it's like to get pre-empted by Ole Miss and Texas Tech. We're leading 7-6, by the way (so I'm told).

9:19 - Oh good, double overtime! Or, in our analogy, Tony just yelled at us for spilling a bucket of soapy water in the janitor's closet.

9:32 - Seriously, if they abandoned this game right now, WHO ARE THE PEOPLE THAT WOULD BE UPSET?!?!? WHO ARE THEY??? They don't exist, that's who they are.

9:39 - OLE MISS WINS!!! THE REBELS HAVE DONE IT!!! THEY'RE GOING TO MSG!!! THE GAME HAS ENDED!!! OH THE PAGEANTRY!!! Just in time for halftime, I'm guessing.

9:41 - We're leading 23-20 in the biggest game in the history of Bartow Arena. Seriously, that's what they're calling it.

9:48 - We haven't scored since our game became televised. Maybe that was the problem all year?

10:06 - UAB's quarterback is evidently a fairly rabid basketball fan. And green paint makes his pecs look pretty enormous.

10:07 - Good news--we're the first team to score more than 20 first half points against UAB in the NIT!

10:10 - Bad news--one of our announcers (so obscure, I don't even know who he is) is one of those people who likes to pronounce "huge" with a "y" sound, so that it sounds like "yuge." One of my pet peeves.

10:26 - Remember kids, the name of the front of your jersey is always more important than the name on the back. Unless you play at UAB, where they make you put the school name on the back too.

10:40 - Looks like Paul Hewitt might be leaving Tech for St. John's. That is, of course, if they don't instead decide to hire someone who isn't a terrible coach.

10:49 - Henson has developed a nice jump hook. Guess he'll probably leave for the League now.

10:55 - Only one minute remaining in our basketball season. Well, unless we DON'T blow this three-point lead.

10:56 - Wow, LD2 with the dagger for the second straight game? If he isn't careful, he's going to play himself into a situation where he doesn't have to transfer.

11:00 - Mike Davis looks dejected. He also looks like the Donkey from Shrek.

11:06 - Well, here we come MSG. The basketball arena, not the stuff at the Chinese restaurant.

What Roy Wanted to Say: Mississippi State
3/20/10

Needless to say, we feel very fortunate. If you haven't noticed, I have this sentence written on my hand--Sarah Palin style--so that I can recite it after every win. We were very lucky, and this has been the unluckiest year I’ve ever had in my entire life. Except for that year that I left Kansas. I’m not saying that just one game evens everything out. Unless you're N.C. State, and that one game is beating Carolina. There is no question, I don’t think Will intended to bank his shot, but it went in and we have had some of those shots--at College of Charleston and Georgia Tech--happen to us this year. That pretty much sums up our season--take away a couple of lucky shots from our opponents, and we're AT LEAST a two-seed in the Big Dance.

On Mississippi State not fouling at the end of the game:

When you think about it, you don’t want to foul when the score is tied. You wouldn't necessarily know that just by watching us in late game situations this season, but it's true.

On first half play:

I was so mad in the first half at some of our guys and they way they were playing. I was going to march right out on the court and kick a few guys in the groin, but then I got all woozy because I stood up too fast and then wrenched my shoulder when I reached up to clutch my forehead. John didn’t go over the screen, that’s the only thing we talked about for the past two days. Well, I take that back--I told him about six times that he needs to eat more. But other than that, that's all we talked about for the last two days. Larry throwing it away. Surprise! Will didn’t run back. He might have been high. Leslie, Dexter and Travis, those three guys, and Justin, got us back in the game. That's Leslie McDonald and Justin Watts--in case you don't know them on a first-name basis. But they're both guys that have been on our team all season. I'm not sure whose decision it was to never let them play.

On upcoming game:

I’m going to pull for anybody to show up, because I just want to play another game. I won't be pulling for State. I'm not capable of pulling for State. You always want your league to do well, so there is no question, that I know Sidney better than I know anybody at UAB, so I’ll be pulling for them. Not true. I'd rather have to learn how to use the internet than pull for State.

Stillman's View from the Couch: William & Mary
3/16/10

9:14 - The best thing about playing William and Mary is all of the "Carolina could probably beat Mary, but if William shows up, they're in trouble" jokes. Hardy-har-har. Boy, those never get old, do they? I can't wait until we play them in football this fall.

9:36 - We're waiting for the Arkansas-Pine Bluff/Winthrop game to end, of course, because they're playing in the tournament that matters and we're not. Yikes.

9:44 - We apparently came out of the gate with a 9-0 run while ESPN was making us watch other stuff.

9:50 - William & Mary has been on a 12-2 run since we started watching. And they're trying to add insult to injury by continuing to play four white guys simultaneously.

9:52 - Tony Shaver is wearing a tie that's exactly like one of mine. But I took it from Dad, so I guess that makes sense. If only I was cool enough to have a moustache like that.

10:01 - If you think about it, this team was only one Ed Cota, one Rashad McCants, and maybe one Julius Peppers from being pretty good.

10:07 - Dave says that David Wear's crutches look like shepherd's crooks. Which is funny, because I can definitely picture the Wear boys playing shepherds in the church Christmas play.

10:19 - Word on the street: Larry Drew is transferring and Steve Robinson is gone right now trying to recruit a junior college point guard. Just the word on the street. So, theoretically, if Easy Ed goes to the league, we could lose four starters off of THIS team. My goodness.

10:46 - Jimmy Dykes says that if Henson stays for four years, he could end up being a pretty good player. I guess I'd kinda hoped that it would happen sooner than that.

10:48 - Trading baskets. Tribe now trots a whitewash out there.

10:55 - Maybe we could fire Roy and hire Tony Shaver. With Jeff Lebo as his top assistant. You know, keep it in the family.

11:01 - Who are the people that thought it would be a good idea for us to wear the pink trim on the jerseys, again?

11:03 - Friend-of-the-site Isaac has shared with Dave that he and his roommates often refer to Tyler as "Helen Zeller." I was going to adopt it as his official CWC nickname until he threw down a sick dunk just a moment ago.

11:06 - This is actually a really good game if you completely discount the fact that it's a 4/5 matchup in the first round of the NIT.

11:13 - Jimmy Dykes keeps making references to Hickory High School. I'm guessing that he's talking about the one from Hoosiers, not the bunch of goons that I played against in high school.

11:18 - William & Mary has hit more three-pointers tonight than we've hit in the entire month of March. That seems like it could be true, so I'm going to assume it is.

11:25 - Helen with exclamation point! I like it.

11:29 - Well, it was a valiant effort, white boys. I can't believe I'm excited about advancing to Starkville. And it's not a baseball Super Regional.

Dave: Previewing the Tribe
3/15/10

At this point in the season, you'll hear a lot of teams question whether or not they should be playing in the National Invitation Tournament. Exhibit A, the ACC's very own Virginia Tech Hokies. (Side note: kudos to Seth Greenberg for giving classy phone interviews while simultaneously taking an ax to a lifesize cutout of Dan Guerrero.) Exhibit B, Carolina's potential second round NIT opponent - Mississippi State.

Tar Heel fans are also asking whether or not Carolina should be playing in this tourney. Not because they think they should be in the NCAA tournament, but because many people didn't think the Heels were good enough to make the field of 32. For the first time in history, Carolina fans had to sit through the NIT Selection Show unsure whether or not they'd even receive a bid. In case you're wondering, the previous sentence could have ended after the first ten words and still been accurate.

As it stands, being the defending National Champions apparently gives you a little pull, because Carolina received a four seed in the 2010 NIT. That's right, not only did they make the field, but they were also awarded a seed just high enough to give them a first round home game. Coincidence?

Undoubtedly, the committee felt that when you looked at Carolina's entire body of work (read: large fan base), with a focus on the last 10 games of the season (read: William and Mary's small fan base), and their strength of schedule (read: dolla dolla bill, y'all), they had clearly earned the right to host a game in the first round of the event. Of course, had they known that the game would be played in the 8,010 seat Carmichael Auditorium instead of the 21,750 seat Dean Smith Center, and that tickets would be sold for $20 each, as opposed to the originally announced $40...they may have decided North Carolina was only a seven or eight seed. We'll never know.

Many people have incorrectly assumed that university officials didn't think through the decision to price the tickets at $40 each, leading to a price cut less than 24 hours after the tickets initially went on sale. In actuality, it was sheer marketing genius. In 2003, NIT tickets went for $15 each. This year, fans will be paying $20 and feeling like they got the tickets for half price!

The fact that the game is being played in the cozy confines of Carmichael Arena as opposed to the spacious Smith Center is being blamed on Dean Dome renovations. Many observers feel as though it's more likely that fan interest wouldn't be high enough to come close to filling the larger arena. But as disinterested as Carolina fans may be in the NIT, the folks at William and Mary are on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. Just check out the picture on their official website.

Carolina hasn't played an official game in Carmichael since 1986, when they defeated N.C. State 90-79. That game occurred just over 20 years after their first win in Carmichael - which just happened to be against the Tribe of William and Mary.

With a win, William and Mary would accomplish a feat that the Heels couldn't this season - winning three road games against ACC opponents (and they didn't even get a gimme in the RBC Center). There would be more fun facts about the Tribe in this column if that first one hadn't made most everyone who heard it throw up in their mouth a little bit.

But, a Carolina win can prevent that from happening. And Roy Williams did his best to instill a large amount of confidence in Tar Heel fans during his NIT press conference, stating: "we are happy to still be playing basketball and I hope we will play well in the NIT." Here's to hope, coach.

Dave: Coping with Thursday
3/11/10

Welcome to how the other half – actually, the other 11 – lives. Since the conference expanded to nine teams in 1992, every single team has played on Thursday in the ACC Tournament. Except North Carolina. Until this year. In case you start catching grief from some of your friends or co-workers, what follows is an explanation of how much earlier the other teams in the conference accomplished this feat, along with some Thursday fun facts.

Many people think the conference went from having eight teams participate in the tournament in 1991 to nine teams in 1992 (after the addition of Florida State). The truth is, the tournament went from seven to nine teams. This was thanks to Maryland being on probation in 1991. You know, for cheating. They continued to receive punishment in 1992, as they were forced to play in the play-in game against the Clemson Tigers.
It’s possible that a condition of the Terrapins’ probation was that they had to play in the play-in game during the two years following the probation, as Maryland was there again in 1993. Of course, it’s also possible they just sucked. I don’t really want to look it up and see which of those is more accurate. In this second year of Thursday action, Maryland faced N.C. State – a Thursday staple.
In fact, the Wolfpack would appear in every play-in game from 1993 until the format change following the 1997 tourney. It’s probably just because they wanted to get an early start (and finish) to their tournament appearance. Truthfully, no one ever watched the Thursday night game, so always playing in it was a way to avoid embarrassment.
N.C. State playing in the play-in game for five consecutive years is what led the game to be dubbed the “Les Robinson Invitational.” Though, in Les’ defense, he wasn’t the coach in 1997 and can’t be held fully responsible for the team’s crappiness in that particular season.
Despite what their fans – or coach – would have you believe, it only took four years for the Blue Devils to make their presence known on Thursday. Following a number one seed in 1994, Duke managed to finish dead last in the conference in 1995. Coach K was above coaching on a Thursday night, so he forced Pete Gaudet to do the dirty deed. It’s a shame, too, since Krzyzewski could have easily picked up a “W” (which he wouldn’t have expunged from his record) over the Wolfpack.
In 1996, Florida state made their first appearance in the game of shame. Not only that, but they lost by 15 to N.C. State.
The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets made their play-in game debut in 1997. Truthfully, this was the beginning of the end of Bobby Cremins’ Georgia Tech career. He went from 13-3 in 1996 to 3-13 in 1997, and never had a winning record in the ACC again before leaving in 2000. He made up for it this year, however, by shattering the confidence of the current group of Tar Heels.
We won’t talk about the awkward format the ACC used from 1998-2000, which featured the top seed playing on Thursday but then getting Friday off. Suffice it to say that after three years of complaints from everyone, the conference reverted back to the play-in game format. During those three years, the only team that played on Thursday that had never done so before was Virginia – who finished dead last in the conference in both 1998 and 1999.
The 2002 tournament showcased Florida State and Clemson on Thursday evening. You may remember that North Carolina was 8-20 this particular season. Yet somehow, they still managed to finish ahead of two other teams in the ACC.
By the time the league expanded in 2005, seven of the “original” nine teams had played on Thursday, with Clemson, Florida State, and N.C. State really making their presence felt the most on that day. Wake then finished dead last in the conference in 2006 and made their first Thursday appearance.
Miami has played on Thursday every season since joining the league, while Virginia Tech made their first appearance in 2006 and Boston College made their first in 2008.

It’s finally time for Carolina to join the ranks of those who have participated in a round of games that no one cares about, as they take on Georgia Tech on Thursday evening at 7:00. At least the Heels are in good company.

Daniel: Previewing the Blue Devils
3/4/10

Once again, Carolina visits Cameron Indoor Stadium for a late-season matchup with big-time implications. The ACC regular season title is on the line, and an ACC Player of the Year candidate can make his last stand for a few more votes. Throw in the prospect of a coveted #1 seed in the NCAA tourney… and it has all the makings of a classic.

A classic, that is, if you’re a Duke fan. All of that good stuff awaits the team from Durham. For the Tar Heel faithful, the regular season finale either kicks off a miserable off-season – or gives the program a chance to set up for a solid 2010-2011 campaign.

The positive? Carolina-Duke games, like all rivalries, have a tendency to play out quite differently than you would expect. The 1995 double-overtime masterpiece at Cameron (aka, the Jeff Capel game) is a good example. The reeling Blue Devils – suffering from a dangerous mixture of average talent and an injured head coach – came out swinging and played their best game of the year. They took a Final Four-caliber team to the limit, and in the excitement, probably took a few years off of Dick Vitale’s life.

This “throw out the record book” mentality, paired with Carolina’s recent wins over Wake Forest and Miami, give the Heels some momentum going into the final game of the year. Let’s not forget that any current Carolina undergrad has never seen a loss at Cameron. Even if the squad appears bound for the NIT instead of the “big dance,” any Tar Heel fan would take a win versus the hated Dookies.

So, what does Carolina have to do to keep the Cameron win streak alive? Lots of things, unfortunately, but, hey… that’s why they play the game.

Win the first 5:00 and last 5:00 – In the Feb. 10 game at the Smith Center, Carolina did a great job of staying with the Blue Devils – even taking the lead in the second half. Unfortunately, a poor start (Duke took an 11-5 lead by the first TV timeout) and finish (a 12-6 Duke run in the final five minutes) doomed an otherwise solid Carolina performance. The Heels need to play with fire, passion and competence from the tip.
What’s the point? – No, this isn’t some existential question about why to play the game. It’s about Larry Drew II and Jon Scheyer. Drew’s play this year has led Carolina fans to invent words like “fumbley,” in regards to his ball handling skills, and “interceptable,” a description for his sometimes lazy or errant passes. Scheyer, on the other hand, has gone from a great Google search term (try “Jon Scheyer face”) to a top-notch college point guard. Big advantage to Jon here. Ugh.
Having a senior moment – In their Smith Center finale against Miami, Marcus Ginyard and Deon Thompson played like senior leaders. Ginyard notched a double-double, while Deon fought off a sore back to make some key shots down the stretch. They need the same output – and possibly more – against the Blue Devils.
Thirty-something – After its 30th game of the season on Tuesday night, freshman John Henson opined that, until recently, the team “liked each other, but we didn’t care about each other.” Chemistry has obviously been a problem for Carolina, but has the team finally banded together? Have they realized that the only way to avoid a legacy of mediocrity is a few wins while they still have the chance? If so, maybe they have a chance. Just maybe.

What Roy Wanted to Say: Miami
3/2/10

Needless to say, I'm very happy for Marcus and Deon. Needless to say, there wasn't a chance that I'd start a senior night press conference without the words "needless to say." Was Woody right about this? I never know if Woody is always completely right. Like the other day when he kept calling me 'Coach Fogler.' Or when he called David Wear 'Joe Wolf.' First double-double for Marcus; 12 points and 12 rebounds. See, if you guys would have just believed me, you would have seen the truth. If you stick with a guy long enough, he'll eventually get 12 rebounds against a crappy Miami team on Senior Night.

Deon has gone through some struggles; his back is really bothering him right now. Get it? His back is bothering him? It's a Coach K joke. Deon's back is fine. But they cut it to one and Deon made the basket that put us back up three; I thought that was fitting as well. See, if you guys would have just believed me, you would have seen the truth. Stick with a guy long enough, and he'll eventually hit a shot against a crappy Miami team on Senior Night.

I put up two pictures in our locker room. One of them was of a cold, sweaty Coke sitting on a picnic table on a hot summer day. With one of those tablecloths with the red and white checkerboard. The other one was a picture of me taking a leak on the wolf statue outside of Carter-Finley Stadium. Not really...one was a picture of Marcus after Saturday's game and the other was a picture of John Henson. John was turned sideways, so you couldn't see that anybody was in the picture, but you can take my word for it. It was a wonderful picture of Marcus smiling, and he's got the six million dollar smile anyway, and the picture of John looked like a seven year old that had just gotten all of the Christmas presents. I told John that I know what he can get me for Christmas. A Chinese buffet next to his house. It's a food joke...you know because he's so skinny?

On reaching 2,000 wins

It's hard to put that into my thought process because it's been a hard year for those kids in the locker room. It wouldn't have been this hard at Kansas. Roy Williams wants to win every game he plays, but somehow, it was a lot more fun to lose at Kansas. I miss that place. Kansas. Paul Pierce could play. Raef Lafrentz couldn't box out at all his freshman year but he really came around. Kansas, I tell ya...Not anything to belittle 2,000 wins, but it's been a hard year - the stress and pressure on those kids, the uncertainties of who we're going to have, we haven't played as well, we haven't played as hard as all the other teams I've had, so it's been a hard year. I kinda wish we didn't have fans that make everything so dadgum hard. Well, I shouldn't say that. I shouldn't say "kinda." I definitely wish we didn't have fans. I was at Kansas when they won 1,400, so I've been around a long time. Would probably be around a lot longer if I'd just stayed at Kansas. Roy Williams was lucky to have coached Nick Collison.

Chris: Previewing the Hurricanes
2/28/10

Who ever thought winning would be such a relief? After becoming the first ACC team to beat Wake Forest in Winston-Salem, Carolina will look to continue its...“momentum” against Miami on Tuesday at 8 PM.

Miami, for better or worse, is coming off a five-point home loss to NC State. Who knows whether that loss will motivate them when they come to Chapel Hill, but we all know they will come in looking good. Nike is once again using the ‘Canes as their canvas, providing them this year with “Hyper Elite” uniforms that apparently weigh some amount less than those bulky regular uniforms. All the better to pop at you, my dear. One has to wonder if those weight-obsessed Nike brains will ever ask, “Why do we keep making these shorts so long?”

If it weren’t for the clothes, Miami fans might be more tuned out to basketball than usual (though they still have the lowest average attendance in conference). Frank Haith’s squad has not had a stellar year, slotting into the standings just above the Wolfpack and...well...Carolina. They sorely miss the play of Jack McClinton, who is now playing in the coup-tastic Turkish Basketball League. Replacing him are 6’8’’ forward Dwayne Collins and 6’4’’ guard James Dews, who are averaging 12.3 and 12.2 ppg, respectively.

As far as Carolina is concerned, the play of the Hurricanes has the upside of giving the Heels a fair warmup for the Duke game. Only Miami has attempted more three pointers this season than the Blue Devils. Expect to see Carolina dominate the boards, but be under pressure from the backcourt. Hopefully Leslie McDonald’s faux-hawk has some mojo left in it.

The game has the great chance, however, of being overshadowed by the players. Not because of their play, but because of their departure. The senior night matchup will be the last Dean Dome showing for six seniors: regulars Marcus Ginyard and Deon Thompson; and Blue Team crowd favorites Marc Campbell, James Gallagher, Terrence Petree, and Thomas Thornton. If only the Blue Team had had more opportunities to play...

Of those seniors, Marcus Ginyard has had a particularly rough year. Added to the team’s poor performance were his own injuries, the high expectations of his leadership, and the loss of his class (a tough blow to morale even in a group as tight-knit as Carolina basketball). He’s handled the entire situation with the admirable poise we’ve come to expect of Marcus, and it would be befitting of his career to see him lock down a shooter en route to locking up a win on senior night. With Carolina’s winning streak going like it is now, perhaps the basketball gods are going to give Marcus one break.

Dave's View from the Couch: Wake Forest
2/27/10

2:06 - L.D. Williams shoots three pointers like John Henson shoots free throws. Poorly.

2:08 - The Heels grab a 2-0 lead. When is the last time we had a lead?

2:12 - Chas McFarland just leveled Tyler Zeller. I think he broke his wrist and is out for the season.

2:17 - "North Carolina has lost three straight, 7 of 8, 10 of 12." Well sure, Kevin Harlan, when you put it that way.

2:30 - Did everyone on the team get a haircut this week? And are many of them moving in the direction of mohawks?

2:44 - Currently, we are 14-14. The NIT is now allowed to accept sub-.500 teams, though they never have. I think most Carolina fans would agree that they'd prefer for this team not to be the first.

2:50 - Dan Bonner says that if we win out and then advance to the championship of the ACC tourney it will "put everyone in a quandry." I respectfully disagree.

2:51 - Closed the half on a 10-2 run to take a four point lead. This feels weird.

3:15 - Have I mentioned Carolina Water Cooler's rec league basketball team recently? The season just started back, and so far we've faired about as well as Carolina has in the ACC.

3:26 - The admin page for Carolina Water Cooler was upgraded on Friday. You'll notice no differences, but it's a HUGE step up on our side. Thought you might want to know.

3:30 - So Wake lost to State and now they are down five to Carolina with less than ten minutes left. Man, would I hate to be a Demon Deacon fan.

3:35 - The announcers continue to refer to Leslie McDonald as our "hot hand." Yes, he has a career high, but I don't think 5 for 13 is overly hot.

3:38 - Henson is growing up. Right in front of us.

3:44 - Up ten with under six to play. Still doesn't feel right.

3:49 - Less than five minutes to go, and Dan Bonner has all but given us the win. I don't like that he's making it sound like we can't blow this lead.

4:00 - I haven't been this shocked while holding the lead since we were beating Stanford in the NCAA Tournament in 2000.

4:06 - Ish Smith just accidentally banked in a three to cut it to four. If we lose this game, the freshmen on this team may never win another game here. They'll be that demoralized.

4:14 - Dan Bonner and Kevin Harlan have no idea about Roy's little blackout spells.

4:15 - Sorry, Wolfpack. Back to the cellar alone you go.

Brian: Previewing the Demon Deacons
2/25/10

When your record stands at 14-14, you’ve been decimated by injuries, and you have as much confidence in the clutch as Alex Rodriguez circa 2004-2008, what better sight for sore eyes than 4,500 brats who’ve paid entirely too much money to wear tye-dye and jump around to “Zombie Nation”? On a scale from 0 to 10, with ‘0’ being John Henson at the free throw line and ‘10’ being Ty Lawson returning for a final year of eligibility, how exciting does that sound right now? If you’re currently checking the TV guide to see if there’s a WNBA happening at the same time, you already know where you fall on that spectrum.

The only drama remaining this season involves waiting for Roy Williams to drop a line like, “If this team were a horse, I’d shoot it.” While he did make a highly publicized faux pas in comparing this season’s losses to the Haitian earthquake, that analogy was a poor one. After all, aid poured into Haiti almost immediately, while UNC has to wait an entire year for Harrison Barnes. What I’m holding my breath for is for Roy to throw a water fountain out the window and then run off into the sunset like Chief at the end of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo Nest.” Every time a guy shooting 29% for the year hits a bunch of threes against UNC, that moment gets a little bit closer.

In many ways, getting toasted at home by Florida State was no surprise. Teams getting open looks from three-point land to start a big run? Check. Allowing bigger post players to get the ball in position two feet from the rim? Check. Clanging so many open jumpers that even John Henson thinks it’s time to eat? Check. Throwing the ball into the stands so often that Dean Dome officials are discussing putting up hockey arena glass? Duck! And check.

So why keep watching? Well, I’ve found reasons, and if you’re reading this preview, chances are you have too. From this fan’s perspective, one reason is that there just aren’t many things left in my apartment to break. The guys at Best Buy and Radio Shack are absolutely loving life right now; they haven’t seen sales of remote controls skyrocket like this since, oh, 2002. In fact, Tar Heel fans across the country are upgrading their living rooms without even realizing it. Speaking of which, where does one go to get a replacement coffee table? My head left a huge dent in the old one after learning that FSU forward Chris Singleton is only a sophomore. You mean we’ve got 2+ more years of that guy killing us while mailing it in against good teams?

Another reason to watch is to witness the many glassy-eyed faces Deon Thompson makes when Roy talks to him on the bench. Next time you’re at the movies, look for the guy who cleans the floors after the show and look closely at his expression. Now imagine that face after he’s put in his two weeks’ notice and has completely checked out. Yup… that’s the one.

Now that there’s virtually no hope of Carolina making the NCAA tournament this year, there’s no pressure to worry about how losses might affect our seeding. In theory, of course, the Heels could still make the Big Dance by winning the ACC tournament. But there’s about as good a chance of that happening as Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker agreeing to model “Priceless Gym” shirts for Carolina Water Cooler. Then again, she is a huge Carolina fan…

If UNC really is saving up for a big run, now’s the time to start building something even remotely resembling positive momentum. Little does Wake Forest know it’s walking into a buzzsaw! The Deacons defeated the Heels earlier in the year to the tune of 82-69 (and truthfully, that’s closer than it felt). Wake guard Ish Smith repeatedly burned Carolina’s transition defense for easy buckets, and since our guys haven’t gotten any faster, they just have to hope that Wake Forest has gotten dumber. Fortunately, if you’ve ever met anyone who’s spent four years in Winston-Salem, you know that’s not out of the realm of possibility.

Expecting a road win out of this squad against any team whose name doesn’t begin with “N.C. State” is probably out of the question, but at this point, all Carolina fans want to see is a team that tries hard and shows something to instill hope for the future. My living room is starting to look a lot nicer. Now it’s time for the team to follow suit.

Stillman's View from the Couch: Florida State
2/24/10

7:01 - Mike Patrick and Hubert Davis. It's like the Yin and Yang of broadcasters.

7:03 - So I guess Roy Williams woke up this morning and said to himself, "What can Roy Williams (yes, he even refers to himself in the third person when he talks to himself) and this team do to further desecrate the Carolina tradition? Let's see...we're not going to the Big Dance, we're not going to win 20 games, we struggle to score 50 points a game...what else can be done? Wait, I know...how about SILVER UNIFORMS!!!"

7:11 - You're right, Viagra commercial...talking to your doctor about erectile dysfunction may not be easy, but it's probably easier than having to watch this team play twice a week.

7:19 - Dave is in attendance at the Dean Dome tonight. Says there's plenty of room in the risers and that he'd move down there if he didn't have to stand up the entire game. Just not worth the effort.

7:22 - I wonder if playing Florida State is awkward for Steve Robinson. It has to be a blow to the ego to have been fired from a place that continues to employ Leonard Hamilton.

7:26 - So Ol' Roy noticed that the fans didn't bother to show up for tonight. Wait, don't tell me, let me guess...that would have never happened at Kansas? Yep, thought so.

7:35 - Remember when Raymond and Rashad and Sean were freshmen? They were pretty terrible, but you could see signs that they'd be good eventually. Is anybody else having trouble seeing future greatness with the young guys we have now?

7:45 - I wonder if any of the guys from the Celebration of a Century game would be willing to join the roster for the stretch run? Surely we could find an extra year of eligibility for Nemo Nearman. He looked pretty nimble for an 83-year-old.

8:02 - As this season continues to progress, this team starts looking more and more like the 8-20 team. You know, in terms of margin of defeat, fan complacency, and a coach that looks like he could end his own life at any moment.

8:21 - Friend-of-the-site Bryson has suggested that Roy should just empty the bench and let a bunch of young guys play to get ready for next year. I don't have the heart to tell him that we don't really have much of a bench left without putting walk-ons out there.

8:24 - Dave suggests that Roy should get ejected as a way to inspire the team. Everybody is just full of advice tonight, aren't they?

8:34 - How are there still eight and a half minutes left in this game? Can't we just play with a running clock or something? I really look forward to the commercial breaks where I can get just a few moments of sweet relief.

8:53 - How bad must N.C. State be to have lost to us twice? And how, pray tell, did they beat Duke?

9:01 - ::Click:: ::BANG:: ::Thud::

Chris: Previewing the Seminoles
2/23/10

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The long basketball darkness is almost over. In its penultimate home game of 2009-2010, Carolina will host Florida State this Wednesday at 7 PM. Now that light we see may be a train, but this season has begged the question of whether getting hit by that train really would be all that bad.

The Seminole squad is not a train per se, but it is a sight better than Boston College. With a record of 19-7 and 7-5 in conference, Florida State stands squarely in the middle of the ACC. Their marquee games include a pair of victories over Georgia Tech, but they also sport the stigma of a loss to NC State. Their statistics generally follow this average trend, save defense. The Seminoles stand first in the ACC in scoring defense (60.8 ppg), field goal percentage defense (36.9%), and blocks (6.6 per game). That opposition could make for a long night for the Heels, who have yet to score 80 points in a game in 2010. The “biscuit” (or, as Len Elmore dubbed it, “fish stick”) chant has become a thing of nostalgia.

Perhaps Tyler Zeller will play well in his second game back, and perhaps the Heels will keep their turnovers down like they did against Boston College, but Wednesday’s game should be tough. Solomon Alabi, in addition to having a terrifically rhythmic name, has replaced Toney Douglas as the primary scoring threat with a scoring average of 12.3 ppg. Derwin Kitchen is also averaging 3.9 assists per game, but since we know that the Seminoles have trouble doing their own math, these numbers should be approached cautiously.

Speaking of the cheating scandal, maybe the NCAA will vacate a Florida State win on Wednesday. A victory on the court would be nice, but at this point one can’t be picky. Failing that option, maybe Steve Robinson still has some mojo he can bust out from his Florida State days.

A realist, however, will not hold out hope for the Heels in this matchup. Boston College was the easiest opponent of the team’s final 5, and even an improved performance couldn’t get Carolina the win. All that’s left now is to come up with a name for this season. We’ve got TEATS,* and we’ve got trailblazing players who are forward-thinking enough to try for the CBI championship, so we ought to be able to muster a nickname that truly captures the spirit of the season. Maybe something with GOTH: the Ghost Of Tyler Hansbrough.

*The Eight And Twenty Season – how fans survived remains a mystery.

Making the Tournament
2/20/10

On Saturday, the North Carolina basketball team finally decided that it was time to accomplish something this season.

That’s not entirely true. They’ve actually known exactly what they were doing for several weeks now, but their plans have been kept under wraps for much of the ACC season until being leaked following the Boston College game in Chestnut Hill.

Many fans have been bemoaning the Tar Heels’ poor play and discussing how – barring four straight wins in the ACC Tourney – this team has no shot at making the NCAA Tournament. It turns out, that’s been the plan all along for Roy Williams and his squad. Because of our inside relationship with may of the players, Carolina Water Cooler was recently able to chat with a couple of team members (speaking on the condition of anonymity) about their postseason plans.

Unbeknownst to fans, way back in December, after Carolina throttled Michigan State, they decided that winning was too easy. It’s actually a bit overdone in Chapel Hill. Every year it’s the same thing. Twenty (or thirty) plus wins, a conference championship here, a Final Four there. Really, it gets a little boring.

So during a much discussed “player’s only” meeting, the team set its eyes on a different prize. They set a goal to accomplish something never before done in Chapel Hill. In fact, it’s only been done twice in college basketball history. The Heels decided to win the College Basketball Invitational.

The CBI, which debuted in 2008, is clearly the college basketball tournament of the future. Run by the Gazelle Group, it’s safe to say this tourney will replace the NCAA Tournament within the next five years. The CBI is far more exclusive – inviting only 16 teams per year. Meanwhile, the “Big Dance” will allow just about anyone to participate, with 65 invitees this season and a possible expansion to 96 on the horizon. And have you heard any complaints about dangerous CBI stickers on any of the courts? No, you haven’t.

The players we spoke with specifically referenced the fact that the Dean Dome currently has five NCAA Tournament Championship banners, as well as an NIT Championship banner, but no CBI titles to celebrate. After an entire century of Carolina basketball, that’s an embarrassment. By the conclusion of the 2009-2010 season, these Tar Heels plan to rectify that issue.

A lot of planning had to go into making this happen. Not only did the Heels have to play poorly enough to prevent an NCAA Tournament invite, they also had to avoid making themselves appealing to the NIT. Given the amount of talent on the roster, that didn’t seem possible when they sat at 12-4 just a couple of months ago. But 11 games and 9 losses later, Roy’s boys look to have an NIT snub all but in the bag.

So when that CBI appearance occurs in a couple of weeks, don’t hide your head in shame. Head to the Dean Smith Center (sporting your Priceless Gym t-shirt) with pride, knowing that in a few short years this will be the tournament that all teams strive to be invited to. And when that happens, we’ll be able to look back at this season and see what a truly amazing group of trail blazers we’ve been watching for the past four months.

Brian: Previewing the Eagles
2/20/10

Every time it feels like this basketball team has hit rock bottom, someone throws them a shovel.

An uninspired and sloppy outing against Georgia Tech was the latest joke in this comedy of errors known as the 2009-2010 UNC men’s basketball team. It’s safe to say you’ve reached an all-time low when you spend 40 minutes of your life getting bullied around by a guy named “Peacock.”

We here at Carolina Water Cooler have gone through our trusty Webster’s Thesaurus and have officially run out of synonyms for the word “terrible” (though to be fair, we’ve come up with a few more that we weren’t able to print due to obscenity laws). Here’s a sobering statistic to shake you from your weekend bender: this year’s team is actually scoring less points in ACC play (67) than the infamous 2001-2002 squad (70). That dull thud you just heard is the sound of readers everywhere dropping their heads on their desks.

But there’s good news for Tar Heels fans… Antawn Jamison is finally playing for a winning team for the first time in his professional career! Unfortunately, the mere mention of him on the same page as this year’s team just caused him to go 0-for-12 against the Bobcats, so that’s the last time you’ll see a reference to our alumni this season.

There’s not much left to say at the tail-end of a year in which Roy Williams was twice outcoached by Paul Hewitt. Based on some of Roy’s decisions the past few months, I’m fully convinced that he has assigned the X’s and O’s part of the job to the trusty can of Coke he keeps in his office. After all, the “John Henson at the 3” experiment worked almost as well as New Coke did.

Henson’s play against the Jackets was one of the few bright spots this year and will hopefully lead to more minutes for “The Muppet Man.” There were also glimmers of hope in the other freshman, especially seldom-used guard Leslie “The Ronald” McDonald. On a related note, studies have shown that creating silly nicknames for objects of frustration can help prevent the onset of clinical depression.

Now the Heels have a matchup against an equally inept opponent in the all-important quest to avoid the ACC cellar. The Eagles will be sure to shower the reeling Heels with some world-famous Boston class and hospitality, not to mention an arena full of fans who look like they secrete their own hair product. Led by a junior class of starters including Rakim Sanders and Joe “The Situation” Trapani, Boston College continues to cement their status as world-beaters versus good teams and rec-league misfits against bad ones. For once, this situation can work to UNC’s advantage.

On paper, this contest appears to be the proverbial case of the irresistible force (Carolina’s obsession with turnovers and blown layups) meeting the immovable object (BC’s insistence upon not guarding anyone beyond the half-court line). That’s simply another way of saying that this is shaping up to be an ugly one. But as these Heels are becoming more and more acquainted with the concept of ugly, they might actually feel in their element for a change.

One important development to watch will be the “re-debut” of perpetually injured sophomore Tyler Zeller, who is likely to get light minutes off the bench and can provide a rare scoring punch for this team. Upon learning of Zeller’s impending return, Roy Williams was reportedly furious, demanding to know who was responsible for breaking the “no more good news” rule he laid down several months ago.

It’s been a long time since a February game had little to no bearing on the team’s postseason aspirations, but folks, it’s just been that kind of a dadgum year.

Stillman's View from the Couch: Georgia Tech
2/16/10

9:01 - Bob Rathbun says that you can't count us out of the NCAA tournament just yet. If that were true, would I really be tempted to watch reruns of The Office on TBS instead of the game?

9:09 - Congratulations to John Henson on winning the DeAndre Jordan Award for Multiple Airballed Free Throws in One Season.

9:13 - Good caption entries for Brian Zoubek this month. Keep up the good work, folks.

9:20 - Mike Gminski has already referred to Deon when he meant Henson, and has now confused Larry Drew and Dexter Strickland. No worries, G-Man...all black people look the same anyway, amiright?

9:24 - Is there any player in college basketball whose physical stature matches his surname worse than Zack Peacock?

9:26 - I usually only watch Georgia Tech games if they're playing us or Duke. Do they always mention The Varsity in all of those other games too?

9:28 - Dave has brought it to my attention that Virginia Tech's NCAA tournament resume lists "North Carolina" as their bad loss. Somewhere there's a Hokie fan who saw that and got really indignant, yelling at the TV that the game was in Chapel Hill and that it wasn't that bad a loss. But then Hokie fan realized that he didn't even believe his own argument and resigned himself to the fact that Virginia Tech should absolutely have won that game. Wow...someone pass me a blunt object, please.

9:43 - We're on pace for about 50 points. Even though he was light years better than what they have now, I'm starting to develop an understanding for why the Wuffies hated Herb-ball.

9:50 - We've fallen off that 50-point pace. And now I'm starting to understand why they instituted a shot clock in college basketball.

9:57 - And at halftime, we're almost getting beat by more points than we have. And now I'm starting to understand why people become raging alcoholics.

10:06 - Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to watch Law & Order: SVU on some channel called My RDC. Because Elliott Stabler is way tougher than anybody on our team. I might check the score during commercials.

10:20 - SVU Commercial #1: Now we are losing by more points than we have.

10:29 - SVU Commercial #2: Rathbun informs me that we've scored eight field goals in 51 possessions.

10:38 - Friend of the site Bryson says that a team made up of Ben Wallace, Dennis Rodman, Charles Oakley, Manute Bol and Dikembe Mutumbo would be more offensively potent than the product we have on the floor tonight.

10:46 - SVU Commercial #3: I didn't change it back to the game.

10:55 - Making the editorial decision not to proofread this column. I've totally mailed it in, if you haven't noticed.

Daniel: Previewing the Yellow Jackets
2/15/10

Well, that was easy. It only took the homecoming of 200 lettermen – and a misfiring NC State squad that seems incapable of beating any ACC team now. But, for one day, the universe was back in alignment. Carolina beat State in basketball. Just like they have for most of the past 25 years.

On Saturday, Larry Drew II emulated Ty Lawson, who was sitting courtside, leading the Tar Heels with 15 points and seven assists to go with only two turnovers. Deon Thompson struggled mightily, going 4-for-12 from the field, but he got some help from chunky guards (Will Graves nabbed eight boards) and rail-thin forwards (John Henson also got eight rebounds to go with three blocks).

The news from Chapel Hill isn’t all cheery, even with a nifty 74-61 win against the Wolfpack under their belt. No matter how great the celebration was on Friday and Saturday, Carolina fans still found themselves cracking jokes about starting 83-year-old Nemo Nearman (1950) to bolster the suddenly thin frontline.

With or without an octogenarian on the squad, Carolina faces a strong Georgia Tech team (17-8, 5-6) on Tuesday night in Atlanta. Without the services of Tyler Zeller, Ed Davis and Travis Wear, Carolina is fighting for its pride. Meanwhile, Georgia Tech is fighting for its post-season life.

Carolina lost its first matchup against Georgia Tech in a 73-71 thriller at the Smith Center. The Tar Heels trailed at the half by 14, but, for one of the few times since December, Carolina responded to the challenge. If Graves’ final three-pointer had found its target, Carolina would have escaped with a memorable win – and maybe turned the season around. It rimmed out, and here we stand.

The Yellow Jackets feature plenty of skilled big men, and they gave a fully-staffed Carolina squad all they could handle in the first meeting. Here’s a quick take on what Carolina should look for in the rematch with the Yellow Jackets.

Shutting down Shumpert – Iman Shumpert is the fourth-leading scorer for Georgia Tech this season, but the 6-5 guard burned Carolina for 30 points, six assists and three steals in the January game. Shumpert has been slumping a bit lately (see his 0-for-7 stinkfest against Wake Forest on Saturday), and he will hopefully remain cool for the February contest.
It’s a Graves situation – With the frontline decimated by injuries, Carolina needs the backcourt to continue to step up. That means another out-of-his-mind performance from Will Graves. The Greensboro native scored 22 points in the second half of the first matchup. Carolina fans would take another performance like that on Tuesday night.
Throw stuff at Lawal and hope it sticks – Georgia Tech’s big men are the foundation of the team, and Thompson, Henson and the remaining Wear twin must have a big game to stem the tide. Gani Lawal, a 6-9 forward, leads the Yellow Jackets with 14.1 ppg and 9.3 rpg. Carolina big men need to play smart, stay out of foul trouble, and simply try to make things difficult for Lawal and his cohorts.
Larry Drew II: The Revenge – What can Carolina fans make of Drew’s offensive outburst (relatively speaking) in the last two games? Points are up and turnovers are down, and it’s easy to see that if Drew plays smart, Carolina plays well. If not… well, it’s the Maryland game (no points and four turnovers) all over again. Georgia Tech isn’t known for extreme pressure on opposing guards, so this might be a chance for Drew to take command.

What Roy Wanted to Say: N.C. State
2/13/10

Needless to say, it feels a lot better than it has been feeling. Although it feels almost exactly the same as any other time that we play State. At halftime I think we had seven turnovers, we only had three in the second half if my math is correct. And I've beaten State more than 90 percent of the times that I've played them, if my math is correct.

You know, at the start of the season, we had Deon, Tyler Zeller, and Ed Davis, and I said to everybody I felt like I could start two of those three interchangeably, because they all three deserved it. And now, two of those three are injured and the healthy doesn't deserve to start, but he's the only one left. So we went through the major course of the season with John Henson trying to play the three-spot, but we decided to make a change and get more time at the four-spot. Funny how it takes two catastrophic injuries to make me change my stubborn ways, but that's how I roll, dadgummit. He's got to get a heck of a lot stronger and finish plays. I remember when I told Nick Collison that he needed to get stronger. He went to the weight room that evening, and when he showed up at practice the next day, he was three times as strong as he was the day before. Then I told him he needed to get faster and he said he would. Then he came to practice the next day and ran the length of the floor in less than three seconds. That rascal could get after it, and Roy Williams was lucky to have coached him.

You play every day trying to get better, and I think we have gotten better, but it hasn't shown up in the final score. But today it did. Ironically, that's not an indication that we're getting better, just an indication that we were playing State. I was frustrated--it's like a 10- or 11-point game, our defense is just terrible and give up two stinking layups in a row. At the timeout, I told the guys that the way they were playing made me feel like I was a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp. It was a catastrophe.

Chris: Previewing the Wolfpack
2/13/10

Now that the almighty Dukie Seth Davis has pronounced UNC’s NCAA tournament hopes dead, maybe this team can start looking forward, instead of backward. The Heels have thus far this season shown weaknesses in their mentality (wouldn’t the Duke loss have been easier to bear if it had been big instead of being strung out and then choked away?), but despite these weaknesses, players don’t make it onto a Carolina roster by accepting losses. Sooner or later these athletes will buckle down because of anger, disappointment, or embarrassment. Maybe that moment happens over the summer, but maybe it happens when the Heels start to think about 2010-2011.

Maybe that moment already happened in the Duke game. Carolina showed definite improvement in their defense and at times looked poised to get in control of that turnover thing. Unfortunately this team has shown that these improvements are unlikely to carry over to the next game, but what is a fan without hope? The Heels could use a solid showing against State on Saturday for two reasons. First, losing to two rivals within one week gets all Carolina fans down (especially Roy, whose Haiti comment is too hot for this writer). Second, five straight losses might even give some diehards flashbacks of the LSDoherty days.

The good news is that of all the teams currently below Carolina in the ACC standings, 100% of them are NC State. Sidney Lowe’s red blazer has not delivered the goods for the Wolfpack (save a win against...Duke), and the Heels already topped them in Raleigh. With any luck this weekend’s matchup will not be as chippy as that last game.

When this article was submitted, there were a couple of sentences here about how Ed Davis might could use this game to make his presence felt and provide a spark and lots of other things that won't happen now that he's out for the season. But speaking of sparks, this game could provide a spark for team rebounding. The Wolfpack grabbed only 8 offensive rebounds in Raleigh, as compared to the 19 Duke pulled down on Wednesday. Injuries certainly hurt Carolina’s inside presence, but this team has already shown that it can dominate the boards.

Guard play may also be on the slow rise. Larry Drew is taking better care of the ball and Marcus Ginyard may (who knows?) be returning to his old form. Regardless of Marcus’ ultimate progress, it’s good to see him have at least one good game in a big setting. With all his injuries, the graduation of his class, and the team’s struggles this year, the guy hasn’t had the easiest path.

Speaking of something that’s not easy: possibly seeing Carolina dead last in the ACC...get it done on Saturday, boys.

Dave's View from the Couch: Duke
2/10/10

You know how people always say when these two teams meet you can throw the records out the window? Can we take them up on that offer tonight?

9:09 - One minute in and things are going better than I expected. We're on pace to go to overtime, tied 0-0.

9:11 - Two and a half minutes in, and now things are more on track. On pace to lose 96-32. I'd probably be more optomistic if I stopped doing these calculations.

9:18 - After John Henson just barely drew iron on a deeeeeep two point attempt, Dan Bonner offered up some friendly advice: "Get closer!"

9:21 - Dexter just tried to go Jackie Manuel over Julius Hodge on a fast break. Unfortunately, he made the attempt using Jackie's freshman year offensive skill set. So he missed.

9:28 - I've got to stop saying "please don't" when Graves shoots a three from five feet beyond the arc. Because the 11% of the time that shot goes in, I don't feel like I can celebrate it. This must be how Roy feels about practically every play he watches.

9:32 - Kristin just gave quite a backhanded compliment to the team, stating that "at least tonight they don't look like a bunch of wusses."

9:37 - Either I'm having a stroke or the Raycom cameras keep coming in and out of focus. Based on my current health and past viewing history, I assume it's the latter.

9:40 - Duke is 2 for their last 13. They still lead by 3.

9:41 - Dan Bonner just likened Henson to Gumby, then changed the comparison to "Mr. Gadget."

9:52 - And that concludes a 55 point half! (Combined.)

10:11 - Nice start to the half for Marcus.

10:14 - Larry Drew and Lance Thomas both just hurt themselves. Larry to the sideline, Lance to the locker room.

10:18 - Stillman says he'll forever remember this game as the Mutumbo game, as Ed and Henson have combined for 27 blocks.

10:25 - Am I stupid to ask why we're playing with so much confidence?

10:33 - A text from Stillman letting me know that he's going to miss the rest of the game so that he can drive to the Dean Dome and jump Brando when he comes out.

10:35 - You see, I'd like to believe that this game could be the turning point of our season. But I thought that after we beat State. And we haven't won since. So...I guess maybe it was.

10:46 - Sigh. It's slipping away.

10:53 - Not gonna happen, is it?

10:56 - All that confidence just up and vanished. And with it, our hopes of winning. I won't bore you with updates on the final minute and a half.

Brian: Previewing the Blue Devils
2/8/10

At halftime of this week’s Carolina-Duke matchup, Tyler Hansbrough will walk out onto the Smith Center floor, raise his framed, retired jersey high above his head, and then smash it repeatedly over the heads of the current Tar Heel squad. It will be the single greatest effort exerted by a person wearing Carolina blue throughout the evening, other than Roy Williams giving himself an aneurism from yelling and screaming as his team jogs back against a fast break.

By now, it’s painfully obvious – the 2009-2010 Tar Heels are just not good at the game of basketball. They’re terrible in home games. They’re terrible in away games. Team officials are frantically investigating if there’s any other place for the team to play.

The problems have been discussed ad infinitum since before the season began, so here is a brief recap of these issues: We can’t shoot. We can’t defend. We can’t pass. We can’t rebound. Sidney Lowe thinks we can’t coach. Dick Cheney questions our heart. We give up a lot of points to everyone but can’t score on anyone.

Opposing crowds are now fond of chanting “N-I-T! N-I-T!” (As if we were anywhere good enough to be invited to the NIT this year. Joke’s on you, Maryland fans!). Home crowds aren’t booing the team yet, but the catharsis released when T.J. Yates does his “I’m a Tar Heel” bit will be nothing short of legendary.

All in all, it’s a really good time to have your archrival, and the top team in the conference, pay you a visit while you’re retiring the jersey of arguably your greatest player, a guy who lost as many games over his career here as the present team will probably lose this season alone. And all of this is happening during the much-heralded 100th season of Carolina basketball.

“But other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?”

Of course, you know what they say about these matchups – anything can happen in a rivalry game. It’s surely just coincidence that such a statement is repeated most by ESPN and those who have a financial interest in getting you to tune into a game that is shaping up to be a blowout. Yet in a sense, they’re exactly right. Who would ever have guessed that the 1995 Duke team would take the Wallace/Stackhouse/McInnis-led Heels to overtime and nearly win? That Duke team was such a disappointment that Coach K, in one of the all-time vermin moves of his career, petitioned the NCAA to have his win-loss record expunged of their results. Yet they gave a stacked Carolina team all they could handle, highlighted by a game-tying halfcourt heave which has been aired no less than fifty million times by ESPN.

It’s almost sacrilegious to think such thoughts. Could things have gotten so desperate that Carolina fans are actually looking to a miserable Duke team to cheer them up? The answer is clear: Yes. Yes they have.

The modern-day Blue Devils bring out the usual cast of characters who lend themselves well to a little game called “Match the nickname to the player.” This diversion involves listing the name of some of the more prominent offenders to their alter egos. As an example, “The Galloping Ghost” would be Kyle Singler, on account of his translucent complexion. Now try your hand at the following: “The Man With A Thousand Faces”; “Tweedleplum and Tweedlelee”; “Who the Heck is That Oaf? He’s Terrible”; “Nolan Smith.” (Answers: Jon Scheyer; Mason and Miles Plumlee; Brian Zoubek; Nolan Smith). Sadly, “Biff From Back To the Future” (Taylor King) is no longer part of the game due to his transfer to Villanova., while the carcass of “Goonderson” (Gerald Henderson) is currently putrefying on the Charlotte Bobcats’ bench.

There remains a silver lining to this game which is somehow lost in the hoopla and handwringing: this Duke team is actually not a bad matchup for Carolina. They don’t have great team speed, their depth is suspect, and their post players haven’t improved by much – the latter deficit an inevitable result of having a forest sprite (Steve Wojciechowski) for a big man coach. If UNC hadn’t tanked so badly, the big storyline of the ACC this year would be the disappointment of Preseason Player of the Year Kyle Singler, who looks like he finally realized he committed to spending four years in Durham, North Carolina.

It’s a given that the Heels will give up 25+ points to the opposing lead guard, so Scheyer will have a big game. But Scheyer has always had big games against Carolina; the key will be making sure no one else goes off for 20. It’s common knowledge that Coach K threatens to banish players to Duke sorority parties if they don’t shoot at least five three-pointers a game, so UNC guards absolutely cannot give up consistent open looks the way they have been doing.

For the boys in light blue, Deon Thompson has usually played well against the Blue Devils, and there’s no reason why he can’t continue to do so this year. The Tar Heels’ other senior, Marcus Ginyard, showed signs of life in the Maryland game – although one wishes Roy Williams would impose a similar punishment on Ginyard for taking any more than zero shots during the course of a game.

In short, if Duke comes out cold and Carolina starts off hot, this becomes a very winnable game. But the Heels can’t afford to be down big at any point because they just don’t have the firepower to climb out of a hole. The truth about this Duke squad, and for all of them since 2004, is that if the threes aren’t falling, they’re eminently beatable. Unfortunately, North Carolina ’s recent performances do not suggest that teams will go cold from the perimeter because our players conscientiously object to guarding them. But in a season where all of the Tar Heels’ breaks have come in the form of sprains, fractures, and ugly losses, don’t you think they’re due?

Daniel: Previewing the Terrapins
2/6/10

These are the sure signs of a team in freefall: A lack of energy, even as the season teeters on the brink. A lack of toughness, even as conference foes rub your nose into each defeat. And a lack of shock from the fans, as every supporter of the team takes each loss with a more progressive shrug of the shoulders.

This is where Carolina basketball stands heading into a matchup with Maryland at College Park on Sunday. The matinee game before the Super Bowl should be just as important to the Tar Heels as the Saints vs. Colts matchup is to the rest of the sporting world. At 13-9 overall (and more importantly, an incredibly underwhelming 2-5 in the conference), there are only so many opportunities left to right the ship.

Of course, to take the sinking ship analogy one further, if the Carolina boat is taking on water, Maryland (15-6, 5-2) is the big wave on the horizon as the Tar Heels’ boat struggles against the perfect storm. (There’s a George Clooney joke in here somewhere, but Carolina's season thusfar hasn't proven itself worthy of a metaphor involving an actor of his stature.)

While you could sometimes find a silver lining in matchups with other ACC opponents, Greivis Vasquez and the rest of the Maryland squad proved to be quite a handful for last year’s Heels. It seems an awfully tough time to play a Maryland team coming off a thrilling come-from-behind win over FSU.

So, what should Carolina fans look for as the tangle with the Terps comes around?

Maryland can always file a Greivis – Maryland begins and ends with Vasquez. After the 6-6 forward decided to come back to Maryland instead of jumping to the NBA, he started the year as one of the few proven stars in the ACC. He has only enhanced that stature. Averaging 17.7 ppg and 6 apg, Vasquez is a tough matchup for any ACC squad. Especially a Carolina team that hasn’t been able to stop, well, anyone lately.
Balance vs. imbalance – Maryland starts four players who average in double digits for points. Carolina only has two (Ed Davis and Deon Thompson). Maryland can better weather a slump from a key player. If Davis or Thompson have a bad game (or month) or if they get in foul trouble, the entire Carolina team suffers.
Two teams with much to play for (one more than the other) – As Carolina settles into an odd position towards the cellar of the ACC, Maryland stands second only to Duke at the top of the conference standings. The Terps are trying to rejoin the ACC elite, a position they occupied at the beginning of the last decade. Carolina, as noted earlier, is just trying to keep their head above water. Apologies for all the drowning references. Just seems appropriate.
Fear this turtle – Eric Hayes, a 6-4 senior guard for Maryland, is hitting on 44% of his 3-point attempts on the season. Carolina’s perimeter players have a tendency – or is it a sheer need? – to cheat away from jump shooters and stop dribble penetration. This leaves guys like Hayes open for bombs from the outside. Only NC State was unable to take advantage of this in the last month. Hopefully, Hayes won’t be feeling it on Sunday.
You gotta have heart – At some point, the Carolina team has to take the last bit of bad play personally. They aren’t playing at this point for the fans or the media or even the rest of the University. They are playing for themselves and the ultra-exclusive club of Carolina letterman that will descend on Chapel Hill for the basketball centennial celebration on Feb. 12. Imagine the not-so-gentle hazing that will occur if the Carolina legends come back to “their” program to find it foundering.

Stillman's View from the Couch: Virginia Tech
2/4/10

8:59 - Yes, in case you're wondering, it's not all that much fun to do views from the couches these days. But if I didn't...the emails we'd get. My goodness, the emails.

9:02 - So Marcus finally gets the axe, huh? Well, that's progress, I suppose.

9:06 - Hokies on pace to score 720. Seriously.

9:07 - No worries, their pace has now slowed considerably.

9:10 - It's time for the "airball" chant to be replaced. With what, I'm not sure. I just know that it needs to go. Kinda like the healthcare situation...I don't know the right answer, I just know that whatever Barack is talking about isn't it.

9:11 - Of course, another option is that we could just stop airballing so many shots.

9:18 - Henson was cited for a walk, but it was much more akin to a gallop.

9:21 - Finish a play, please. Anyone. I beg of you.

9:25 - Dave has offered to stop watching the game and give me text updates on The Office while I keep it tuned to Raycom.

9:36 - I didn't catch what the contest was, but I believe I just heard that some lucky viewer is going to win a chance to go behind the scenes with the Raycom crew. Really playing it fast and loose with the word "win."

9:53 - Friend-of-the-site Jason says that seeing Mike Gminski with an earring always makes him feel better about his own personal appearance.

10:01 - Steve Martin just referred to Campbell's victory over Stetson as a "bracket buster." I feel that the hilarity of this comment stands on its own, and any derisive commentary from me is not necessary.

10:13 - We seem to have held on to our two-point lead throughout the halftime intermission. That's encouraging.

10:14 - Uh oh, somebody threw something down on the playing floor. I hope Bob Huggins comes out to make a threatening announcement.

10:17 - The VT cheerleader untangling the net really turned Dan Bonner's giggle box upside down.

10:29 - Anybody up for a trip to Cameron Indoor Stadium to throw stuff on the floor and get a technical foul called on the fans?

10:37 - It's hard to say for sure, but it appears that most Virginia Tech students are pretty dorky.

10:41 - Henson does some pretty cool looking stuff sometimes.

10:45 - Dave is complaining about the horrible officiating. Though...to be fair...he believes it to be in our favor.

10:59 - With only three minutes left, it doesn't seem so advantageous that their entire team has four fouls.

11:09 - Two and five. Yikes.

Chris: Previewing the Hokies
2/3/10

Following a Virginia game Carolina fans are eager to forget, Roy Williams was famously quoted as saying, “How can it be any worse than it is right now?” One humble suggestion: Virginia Tech could wear the same uniforms from their last game with the Heels. The ones likened to prison jumpsuits. Considering the change in home court, this is unlikely. Tech’s baseball team, however, wears camouflage on the diamond, so don’t put anything past the folks in Blacksburg.

Putting aside matters Nike, there is some real basketball at hand. When the Hokies enter Cassell Coliseum this Thursday at 9 PM, they will present the first repeat foe for the Heels. The matchup may help answer the question, “Does this team learn?” Unfortunately, most evidence is currently in the negative.

Carolina did win the first matchup 78-64, but that January meeting left a lot of other unanswered questions. First, Malcolm Delaney lit the Heels for 26 despite his bum ankle. Obviously the ankle wasn’t slowing him down much, but Ginyard & Co. will need to work their magic. Delaney is leading the ACC with 19.7 ppg, but is seventh in assists at 4.2 per game.

Second, Tech led the Heels at halftime in Blacksburg by a 38-34 margin, but the advantage was snuffed by a 15-6 UNC run to open the second half (i.e. the Virginia game with the opposite ending). Carolina, and their maligned “heart,” have been prone to giving up, not creating, those kind of runs. Can they still put together that type of performance? What’s more, that run included only one Will Graves’ two-pointer. Desperation has seen Will become a larger part of the Heel’s offense, which, ironically, has probably lead Carolina fans further into despair.

Third, the Hokies have played a slow tempo thus far this season, but may shift strategy in this game, given the recent success teams have found when running against the Heels. Sylven Landesberg, a tremendous player, was rarely contested when driving the lane. Carolina may be able to counteract this threat by using Tech as a sort of experiment. If they tend to play slowly, maybe the Heels should, too. The secondary break has not been as inept of late as it was in the middle of January, but sometimes change can be good for change’s sake.

Whether Carolina has any answers to these questions or not, there may yet be reason to hope. Thursday is Coach Greenberg Rally Towel Giveaway Day to all fans. So there's a chance that after a bad call, thousands of towels will be tossed onto the court, leading to a game changing technical against the home team.

Finally, if you have any Hokie friends, don’t forget to bring up football. Be warned, though; it’s really weird to hear yourself say that.

Dave's View from the Couch: Virginia
1/31/10

Fair amount of snow on the ground, so I'll just watch this game from the couch. Not that I had tickets, but I figured I'd use the same excuse everyone else is going to use.

7:42 – Well, I wouldn’t have been upset with any outcome in the Clemson-Maryland game. I enjoy watching Clemson fall apart at the end of every season, but I also can’t stand Greivis Vasquez. So watching the first place Terrapins lose didn't bother me.

7:51 - Marcus just kneed a cheerleader in the head and faceplanted into a front row seat. All in a day's work.

8:00 - If I fail to provide updates for an extended period of time, it's because I just ate a huge burrito. I won't elaborate.

8:01 - Henson just made a 15 footer for the first time since Late Night with Roy.

8:04 - I like Dexter's arm warmer. That is what that is, right?

8:09 - Following a Will Graves offensive rebound and putback, G-man said "that was the one thing, among many, that Tony Bennett was worried about coming into this game." I was unaware that "one" and "many" were synonyms.

8:20 - Odd possession we just had there - nearly had an over and back, nearly threw the ball out of bounds, and wound up getting a three from Will Graves.

8:25 - It seems like there have been more reviews of two vs. three pointers this season than in years past. They're getting a little old.

8:30 - Sylven Landesberg with 16 points on 8-11 shooting. Not a bad game. Too bad it all happened in the first half.

8:43 - Roy Williams' acting job in the ACC commercial where he says "I hate to say it, but I agree" is probably the single worst thespian display I've ever seen. Of course, to be fair, the script for the commercial doesn't do him any favors.

8:49 - This is getting ugly in a hurry.

8:58 - Remember the Maryland snow game? This is pretty much the exact opposite of that.

9:14 - I take some solace in the fact that even if we hadn't missed over 50% of our free throws, we'd still be losing this game.

9:20 - Remember that burrito I mentioned earlier? It's about to come back up.

9:34 - I've never been more glad to not have to play Clemson in Chapel Hill than I am at this very moment.

9:44 - Nothing like watching the Blue Team come in to polish off a 15 point game. That the Heels are on the losing end of.

Daniel: Previewing the Cavaliers
1/30/10

What a difference a day makes. Or, more accurately, what a difference one night in Raleigh makes. After several games that prompted Carolina fans everywhere to hurl curses, remote controls and shoes at the TV, the Tar Heels woke up and took care of a (sometimes) heated rival.

With the Wolfpack carcass in the rearview mirror, Carolina now takes on a suddenly icy Virginia Cavaliers squad on a similarly icy Sunday evening in Chapel Hill. And here’s something that hasn’t been written much in 2010… the Tar Heels have some momentum going into the 173rd meeting between the two traditional rivals.

Although the Wahoos stand in the top half of the ACC standings, that position may be a mere illusion. As teams reach the halfway mark of the ACC season, the standings are a muddled knot of teams that are beaten up and showing some weaknesses. Virginia has lost two straight, after a 12-point loss to Wake Forest and an overtime loss to Virginia Tech.

Seemingly, the only thing that Carolina and Virginia fans have in common at this time of the year is an unwavering uncertainty about which team will show up. Carolina can beat Michigan State and lose by two to a tough Kentucky team, but it can also fail to show up for three straight ACC games. The ‘Hoos have solid wins against Georgia Tech and NC State to go with a 17-point loss to South Florida.

Let’s take a look at this year’s Virginia squad – and how they match up with the Tar Heels.

This ain’t your older brother’s Virginia – After several years as a conference doormat under Pete “The Lucky Charms Guy” Gillen and Dave “Is This How It’s Spelled?” Leitao, this year’s edition seems to be performing at a different level thanks to Tony “Not the Singer” Bennett. At 12-6 (3-2 in the ACC), Virginia has adopted Bennett’s strong focus on defense, giving up only 61.7 ppg. Look for Carolina’s halfcourt defense to stumble against the well-coached Wahoos. Everybody else does.
“The Eagle has Landesberg” – Virginia’s 6-6 guard Scott Landesburg leads the team with 17.5 ppg, and last year’s ACC Rookie of the Year shows no signs of a sophomore slump. A big guard like Landesberg is the perfect defensive target for a healthy Marcus Ginyard. Ginyard’s goose-egg on offense against NC State shows that the senior is still finding his legs, but his defense against Landesberg will be key for the Heels.
Hey, I remember that guy – This one goes to Deon Thompson, whose offensive outburst against NC State led one Carolina fan to post the following backhanded compliment on Twitter: “Looks like Deon Thompson put on his big-boy pants tonight.” Deon virtually disappeared during the trilogy of clunkers prior to the NC State game, but his reemergence against the Wolfpack is a sign of good things to come.
A big game for the big men – Virginia’s team lacks a dominant inside force, and with Thompson and a healing Ed Davis gaining steam, this could be a chance for the Carolina bigs to shine. If the Heels can control the boards and get some second-chance buckets, the game will go a lot smoother.
Who’s That Wahoo? – File this under the oddity column… Virginia sixth man, Jeff Jones, shares the name with the Virginia coach who skippered the team from 1990-1998. It must be nice to show up on campus with your name already in the record book.

Stillman's View from the Couch: N.C. State
1/26/10

8:59 - Just watched American Idol. First time I've ever seen more than five minutes in one sitting. Gotta give them credit...pretty hilarious. But enough levity--let's go lose to State.

9:01 - Friend of the site ARoc: "Hark the sound of Tar Heel voices...begging for a win."

9:03 - Deon is unstoppable.

9:04 - Deon is worthless.

9:09 - Gminski just said that Javi Gonzalez "served up a deuce." As if it was an item at a diner. Gross. Friend of the site Bryson suggests that it was perhaps a deuce sandwich. A "poo boy sandwich," if you will.

9:18 - I don't care what anybody says, you should never name your child "Farnold."

9:26 - Bryson says that John Henson believes himself to be George Gervin.

9:27 - George Gervin never airballed a free throw. Just sayin'.

9:30 - Deon is unstoppable.

9:31 - Deon is worthless.

9:35 - Dave: "21-14. Closest we've been to a football victory over State since Butch got here."

9:38 - Aroc: "Tracy Smith looks like James Worthy to me. With Matt Doherty-like skills."

9:41 - Dave: "28-21. Second closest we've been to a football victory over State since Butch got here."

9:44 - Marcus is gripping the ball tonight as if he's a freshman Jackie Manuel.

10:08 - Would have been awesome if we could have made that work. Marcus jumped out of bounds, saving the ball to Deon. Except Deon was also jumping out of bounds at the same time. So he tried to save the ball to Ed. Didn't work, but I like the concept.

10:12 - Tim Brando needs to drop the phrase "blow by." It's a stupid phrase. Yet he says it multiple times a game.

10:16 - Monte Towe is sorta funny looking. Fortunately for him, he's on a coaching staff with Larry Harris, so he always has somebody around who looks funnier than him.

10:19 - In case you're not keeping a tally at home, Dave would like to point out that we're only five minutes into the second half, and we've already scored a point. Not bad.

10:27 - Henson isn't useful for a tremendous number of things, but his blocks are rather enjoyable.

10:29 - Dave: "Brando just doesn't have any redeeming qualities I can think of."

10:43 - Deon is unstoppable.

10:45 - Deon is unstoppable. (Yep, twice in a row).

10:49 - I guess I should have known better than to think we'd lose this game. How silly of me.

10:58 - I don't really get all that excited before playing State. But I do derive a substantial amount of pleasure from beating them. I also enjoy the fact that even Roy has to bend over to talk to Monte Towe.

Brian: Previewing the Wolfpack
1/25/10

Forget “Tyler Hansbrough isn’t walking through that door!” We’re venturing dangerously close to “Kris Lang isn’t walking through that door!”

Since a lackluster performance against Wake Forest, the Heels have had a few days off to get their tar together before matching up with everyone’s favorite conference pariah, the NC State Wolfpack. If the Tar Heels don’t improve significantly over the course of ACC play, they’ll have plenty more down time waiting for them in March. Right now, this is a team with many more questions than answers.

Perhaps the biggest question is, “Do the Tar Heels have a philosophical objection to putting the ball into the basket, and if so, why do they steadfastly refuse to hold others to that same standard?” There’s so little scoring going on at the Dean Dome this year that it’s hard to tell whether you’re at a UNC game or Duke fraternity party. Even TJ Yates doesn’t want to be a basketball player these days.

Of course, that’s not the only question. Over in Westwood, UCLA coach Ben Howland has been adopting the “no-score” strategy for years, and he’s been to three Final Fours in the past four years. This brings us to Question #2: “Why don’t Carolina defenders shower opposing guards with rose petals while allowing them to drive into the lane at will?”

Indeed, the Tar Heels’ perimeter defense has been so poor that guys with no NBA aspirations at all are frantically calling TV networks after the game, demanding that copies of their performance be sent immediately to every team’s front office. Players like Wake Forest freshman Ari Stewart are so confident against UNC’s backcourt that they shoot 25-foot jumpers like layups. Meanwhile, Larry Drew gets open looks from beyond the arc all game and looks like he’ll become the first player to ever throw up his shot and his dinner at the same time.

Fast-forward to this week’s game, which will feature a bunch of McDonald’s All-Americans against a bunch of players who will soon be working at McDonald’s. As usual, there will be a raucous capacity crowd on hand to welcome the Heels to Raleigh. However, this year’s game features two unusual circumstances. First, it seems obvious that the Wolfpack, despite getting blasted by Maryland last Saturday, are playing better than the Heels, who have dropped four out of their last five. Second, NCSU may have already gotten their “OK, that game was b.s., they’ll never play like that for the rest of the year” performance out of the way, shooting 58% in a surprise upset against Duke.

UNC forward Deon Thompson will have a tough matchup against underrated Tracy Smith, who will be a load inside if Ed Davis isn’t healthy enough to play. The good news for Thompson, a senior, is that this will be his fourth trip to Raleigh, and by now he’s probably heard all of the racist, homophobic insults that will be thrown his way throughout the game. On the other hand, the freshmen class probably isn’t used the kind of vitriol awaiting them at the Rarely Beats Carolina Center. This is unfortunate, because this current group of Carolina players gets rattled when the milk in the team fridge runs low.

The Heels must also deny good looks from the perimeter in order to limit the opponent’s open shots from behind the arc. (This author longs for the day that when he can stop pasting the previous sentence into every game preview.) NCSU guard Scott Wood will be hunting his shot all night, knowing full well that Tar Heel guards would just as soon double-down on a ball sitting in an empty chair than maintain pressure on the hot perimeter shooter. Even a token effort at defending the high screen would give Tar Heel fans hope at this point.

The fun begins Tuesday at 9 PM in front of the State faithful, who are expected to arrive late due to an eagerly anticipated lecture on Voltaire’s lesser-known works.

Dave & Stillman's View(s) from the Couch: Wake Forest
1/20/10

In honor of ESPN’s announcer swap tonight, Stillman and I will be switching off viewing duties at the half. Luckily, I get the first half, where we’ve done incredibly well thus far in ACC play.

7:00 – I feel sorry for NBA fans. Not only do they have to watch a product that is vastly inferior to college basketball, but tonight they have to do it whilst listening to Dick Vitale.

7:07 – 16:42 to go in the first half and ESPN just showed Ed Davis sitting on the bench in a suit. The graphic? “Ed Davis – Will not play tonight.” Probably couldn’t have figured that out on our own.

7:09 – Stillman has just texted to let me know that “Al Farouq” means “the king has arrived.” What he doesn’t know is that “Aminu” means “and he plays basketball in Cleveland.”

7:18 – The Wears are far better playing at the same time than they are individually. Lots of synergy between the two of them.

7:21 – Carolina with five freshmen on the floor. You’re looking at the future of Tar Heel basketball. And it’s filled with turnovers and missed shots.

7:29 – Changing the topic a little bit, but wouldn’t you like to help out the folks in Haiti and look good doing it? Purchase a Priceless Gym t-shirt between now and the end of January, and Carolina Water Cooler will donate 25% of the proceeds to Haiti relief efforts.

7:34 – This may be the worst three point shooting team I’ve ever seen at any level of basketball.

7:36 – Every time we score, Ish Smith hits a layup within five seconds. It’s almost to the point that I wish we’d just stop scoring.

7:44 – Would someone please explain Justin Watts’ playing time to me? It’s like Roy flips a coin before every game to decide if he gets to play that night.

7:48 – When Roy looks at the scoreboard for the first time as he heads to the locker room, he’s going to be shocked to learn we’re only down three. Over to Stillman...

8:10 - Thank you sir. And thanks to ESPN for giving us a couple of competent announcers for at least one night. Other than a complete inability to differentiate between the Wear twins, Mike Breen, Marc Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy have been enjoyable. But I'm guessing that NBA viewers aren't going to like this little experiment.

8:15 - Dave is impressed to hear that we've only lost consecutive ACC games 13 times in history. He notes that State probably did that 13 times in the last decade.

8:19 - Leslie is not afraid to shoot. He seems a little unsure about moving quickly from point A to point B, but definitely not afraid to shoot.

8:23 - Dave says he was hoping to root against Duke tonight, but says we can't afford to have State move ahead of us in the conference standings.

8:34 - I can't decide if this team reminds me more of Doherty's last year or Roy's first year. Either way, it's not a really a huge compliment.

8:41 - Maybe on Selection Sunday, we'll look back at these times when we were wondering if we'd even make the tournament, and we'll share a good chuckle. I doubt it, but maybe that will happen.

8:52 - Well, Van Gundy just said that Chas McFarland has a chance of making an NBA roster, so I take back everything I said about liking the announcer swap.

8:53 - Now he's making fun of how Chas spells/pronounces his name. So, I'm back to liking the swap.

8:55 - This team doesn't shoot well, but they make up for it by not being very tough. All in all, I'm pretty pleased.

Daniel: Previewing the Demon Deacons
1/18/10

On Wednesday, Carolina gets (yet) another chance to put the season back together, after two (more) head-scratching outings. First, there was Turnover-palooza at Littlejohn, where the Clemson Tigers built a 32-12 lead as the Heels protected the ball as well as a team in the Chapel Hill Recreation Department's 5-6 year old league. Then Carolina decided to take (yet) another mental sabbatical during the first 10 minutes against Georgia Tech, ultimately trailing by 20 points in the first half (again).

The bright spot - and all Tar Heel fans need one now - is that Carolina didn't back down in either game. The comeback against Clemson never got enough momentum, but they actually vaulted ahead of the Yellow Jackets before ultimately falling in the last minute. The not-so-bright spot (and the one that's likely keeping Roy Williams up at night) is that this year's Tar Heel squad is only consistent at one thing: maddening and absolute inconsistency.

Unfortunately, the ACC schedule simply doesn't allow you to work out those kinks without getting punished for it. This year, the conference appears to be rather uniform, with no team standing out from the pack (well, perhaps those guys from Durham are a misshapen Plumlee head above the rest) and no apparent "bottom-feeders" in the rotation. Ergo, there are no off nights.

On Wednesday night at 7 p.m., Wake Forest visits the Smith Center. The Deacons have a record that shows just how tightly packed the ACC is this year. Prior to a 20-point loss to Duke, the Demon Deacons beat NC State by 8, lost to Miami by 1, and beat Maryland by 2 in overtime. The Deacons are a formidable team (ugh), and here's how Carolina matches up with this year's Wake squad:

On your mark...get set... and... turnover/missed shot/turnover/blown assignment/turnover – Sometimes on the playground , a stronger team will spot the weaker team an early lead to make things even. Right now, Carolina is doing that, and it has to stop. I'm sure Ol' Roy has about used up his bag of tricks to get the team out of the blocks, but there has to be something that can make the first ten minutes less dreadful. Perhaps an entire lineup of guards . Or, take a page from Hoosiers and just play with four guys to mix it up. If you're like most Carolina fans, you're willing to try anything... ANYTHING... to stop these early deficits.
Ish going to be tough - Speedy point guards have been a problem for Larry Drew II and Dexter Strickland to handle defensively, and nobody in the ACC is faster off the dribble than Wake's Ish Smith. Smith is averaging 12.6 PPG and 5.9 APG, and the Deacons' offense starts with him. Carolina's ability to stay in front of Smith will determine whether the Heels can get some easy points off turnovers - something that's been sorely lacking in the past few games.
Dueling double-double machines - Wake Forest's Al-Farouq Aminu leads the Deacons in most statistical categories, averaging 17.6 points, 11.6 boards and 1.4 blocks. For the Heels, Ed Davis is averaging 14.7, 9.8 and 2.9 in those same categories. Aminu has solid support on the front line from Chas "no that's really how you spell it" McFarland and Ari Stewart, but Davis, Deon Thompson and Travis Wear should hold their own.

As Carolina hits the 19th game of the season, most fans still don't know what to expect. The hope is that there are better days ahead. It would be nice to see some fire and intensity in the opening minutes. Or just some solid execution on both ends of the floor - and a relatively even game by the first TV timeout.

What Roy Wanted to Say: Georgia Tech
1/16/10

What Roy said after Saturday's loss to Georgia Tech.
What Roy wanted to say after Saturday's loss to Georgia Tech.

I said 'Congratulations" to Paul, and I meant it. I also said 'You need to stop playing like a middle school girl' to Deon, and I meant that too. In college basketball, you have one team that feels great at the end and one team that doesn't feel very well. Although, sometimes both teams feel bad. Like when we only beat Valpo by 11. They felt bad because they lost, and we felt bad because we only beat Valpo by 11.

It was unusual basketball playing for us in the first half. So unusual, in fact, that it didn't resemble basketball very often. I felt like we'd have a chance to win the game, and we did have a chance to win the game. Kinda like golf...you think you'll have a chance to make a big putt on 18, but then you get ticked off on 17 and throw your putter in the lake. Geez guys, I'm so ticked, I don't even know what the heck I'm saying.

Peacock made a nice shot--I think that was his only field goal of the second half. First good thing that the Peacock has done in a while. I'm referring to NBC, of course. This Leno vs. Conan thing is just silly. Those dadgum guys, I tell you what...We didn't do the best job defending the play at first because they had a guy wide open underneath. They had a guy wide open underneath for most of the first half, too.

We only had one timeout left; we had wasted three timeouts, in my opinion, during the game. I've tried to tell you people for years that there's a reason I save my timeouts, but NOBODY wanted to listen. All those people that say that I horde my timeouts, I'd like to have had some of those suckers that I've horded so much that everybody wants to think they're--I'm going to be nice. I'm going to be a bit of a thin-skinned whiner...

I said this morning that everybody thinks they are smarter than every basketball coach and everybody thinks they are smarter than every golf course superintendent. And everybody thinks they're smarter than Tiger Woods...well, that's probably true, actually. You know what's best for the greens, you know what's best for somebody else's team, but that's OK. It's not OK, I hate it. And I hate doing that stupid radio show. And talking to the media.

You know, we felt like we had to do a great job with their big guys, and Iman was sensational; I tried to recruit the heck out of him, there is no question about that. Remember when he almost got us in trouble with the NCAA when he was here on his official visit? Well, that's what happens when you recruit the heck out of somebody.

Chris: Previewing the Yellow Jackets
1/15/10

So...Clemson happened.

Maybe it all started when some dubious newspapermen (they still have those?) made the Tigers 3-point favorites, but whatever the case, it ended with a whimper. Carolina just does not seem to get motivated by being played close or beaten. Now the next question is this: if you keep expecting one of these wakeup calls to make the Heels play differently, are you technically insane? Here’s hoping the Heels can show us otherwise when they host Georgia Tech this Saturday at 2 PM.

The Yellow Jackets are no slouches. They sit at #20 in the AP poll and nabbed a certain marquee win last week, which you may have heard about. They did, however, also lose to Georgia (remember, we’re talking basketball), and Dayton. Paul Hewitt seems to have kept his spot in Atlanta by recruiting talent rather than developing it, and UNC has lived almost solely off talent this year, so maybe the two teams are natural opponents.

The Jackets and Heels are almost even in at least two statistics: depth and size. Tech boasts nine players who average over 12 minutes a game, three of whom are over 6’9.” That front line will give Carolina a different look, but the Heels have yet to be able to turn a size advantage on paper into one on the court, so who’s to say they’re losing anything? An injury-free Tyler Zeller would be a welcome addition, however.

Also welcome back on the court are Marcus Ginyard and Will Graves. Ginyard will not be called upon defensively as much as he usually is, since Tech’s main scoring threats are forwards Gani Lawal and Derrick Favors, but expect Graves to be as active in the game as ever. He is 5-16 from three in the two games since his injury. A friend of mine is in a class with Graves this semester, and we have a gentleman’s wager about whether or not Will is going to answer every question the professor asks, regardless of if he has a clue.

Georgia Tech will be trying to bounce back from its Wednesday loss at Virginia in which Sylven Landesberg torched the Jackets for 22. Maybe Dexter Strickland can keep some of that mojo going. At stake for the Heels is not only the threat of back-to-back losses, but also the first transitive matchup against Duke. So pour out a libation to the transitive gods, tempting and fickle, and to the hope that the wheels come off the Rambling Wreck.

Brian: Previewing the Tigers
1/13/10

Remember the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark when Belloq holds up the golden idol, shouts a few words in some obscure Native American dialect, and all of the natives kneel down in obeisance? Do you think UNC could repeat that same trick by holding up Wayne Ellington’s soon-to-be-honored jersey in front of the Clemson faithful?

It’s no exaggeration to say that Ellington was a one-man wrecking crew against the Tigers. Indeed, most Carolina fans have a “where were you when…?” moment regarding his sweet three-pointer at the buzzer to knock off Clemson in a classic road game played a couple of years ago. “Make It Wayne” left no shortage of fond memories in this rivalry, destroying so many Tigers over his career that his NBA departure was really a distraction to throw numerous wildlife conservation groups off his trail.

Fortunately, this year’s team has plenty of outside firepower to make up for Ellington’s departure. In other news, Jake Delhomme will be welcomed back with open arms by Panther fans, the Cubs will win the pennant in 2010, and Barry Bonds’ head swelling in correlation with his home run hitting was a natural coincidence and not in any way indicative of steroid use.

If Carolina’s losses have told us anything, it’s that this team misses a guy like Ellington who could bust zones and make big plays down the stretch. Sometimes, it’s easy to imagine Roy Williams channeling his inner Rick Pitino and shouting to the world, “Wayne Ellington isn’t walking through that door! Ty Lawson isn’t walking through that door! Tyler Hansbrough isn’t sliding head-first through that door to inquire about a lost contact!” The Tar Heels’ deficiencies are well-chronicled at this point, and, by and large, they are not likely to change until reinforcements arrive in the fall.

Clemson has a team that matches up very well with Carolina because the Tigers have the personnel to exploit those deficiencies. Aside from UNC’s own self-inflicted woes – at this point, even hitting the rim on a free throw attempt is good enough for me – two things that have absolutely killed the Heels this year are penetrating guards and beefy frontcourts. Unfortunately, Demontez Stitt and Trevor Booker ARE walking through that door. And they looked pissed.

The good news for Roy’s Boys is that they clearly have the psychological edge in this contest. Carolina has beaten Clemson in so many improbable, ridiculous, and absurdly awesome ways that the Tigers must wonder why the black tar spot on the heel of our logo hasn’t changed to orange by now.

A key matchup to watch in this game will be Ed Davis versus Trevor Booker. This pair of frontcourt menaces represents two of the best at their respective positions. Booker is known as an athletic shotblocker - bad news for our post players, since even an uncontested dunk for them has a 50/50 chance of getting stuffed by the rim. Expect plenty of balls to be thrown into the pink-collared, shaggy-haired denizens of Littlejohn Coliseum.

Like any Heels-Tigers game, look for this one to be physical with lots of fouling. Of course, this doesn’t mean those fouls will actually be called. Given the state of ACC officiating these days, you can expect to see these teams shoot anywhere between 2 and 80 free throws. In related news, your author made a Christmas wish last month, but he must have been a bad boy in 2009 because Karl Hess is still officiating games in our league.

Look for Clemson to apply their usual full-court pressure to force our young guards (Dexter Strickland in particular) to turn the ball over for easy buckets. As a result, it will be imperative for Strickland and Larry Drew to stay out of foul trouble, meaning they must avoid picking up fouls trying to guard Stitt and other perimeter players who realize UNC struggles with defending dribble-drive.

Similarly, Davis, Tyler Zeller, and John Henson all need to avoid picking up fouls trying to block players who could blow them over with the flick of a wrist. The Booker Brothers may sound like a place where Mario and Luigi buy their business casual wear, but on the court, those guys are way more business than casual. The Tar Heel coaches and players will be ready, but this may be the kind of game where the athletic trainer becomes team MVP.

Random Thoughts from the Dean Dome: Virginia Tech
1/10/10

The Great Adam Lucas and Eric Montross should spend less time standing next to each other. It makes one of them look freaskishly tall, while making the other one look cartoonishly diminutive. I won't say which is which.

Seth Greenberg doesn't have a strong understanding of the notion that coaches aren't really supposed to be on the playing floor during game action.

It's nice that Roy doesn't have to wear the shoulder brace anymore, but most of us would probably be fine with him continuing to wear it if that meant that Marcus could be healthy for at least a couple of days.

C.B. McGrath doesn't get excited very often, probably about three times a year. But it's pretty enjoyable to watch whenever he does.

Erskine Bowles, on the other hand, gets excited quite frequently. To the extent that it's probably detrimental to his health.

A quick glance at the championship banners in the rafters provides a good reminder that our last three championships have all come during four-loss seasons. So we seem to be right on track for another one in April.

Woody said that this is National Influenza Vacation Week. Perhaps he meant "vaccination" instead of "vacation?"

Serge Zwikker didn't get the raucous applause that he deserved on the "I'm a Tar Heel" video. When people cheer wildly for Sean May and don't give Serge the time of day, something is wrong with America.

Is it really necessary for the dude that wipes up sweat off the floor to be wearing a suit?

Daniel: Previewing the Hokies
1/9/10

When Carolina hosts Virginia Tech on Sunday night at 7:45 p.m., the teams will be coming off very different experiences. The Hokies defeated Seton Hall in an overtime thriller in the Governor's Cup Tournament in Cancun, Mexico. While Virginia Tech soaked up the sun, the Tar Heels unleashed a stunning 40-minute display of “meh” in losing 82-79 on a chilly night at the College of Charleston.

Without Marcus Ginyard and Will Graves, the trip to Charleston was indeed no day at the beach. And as the ACC schedule gets cranked up, Carolina must find an identity. Are they the team that pummeled Michigan State or the timid squad who gave away the game to the Cougars? The ACC season is a tough time to find that footing, but they have the talent and the coaching to get it done. And they wasted the entire non-conference schedule not getting it done - so they have no other option but to do it now.

If you're looking for a silver lining, Seth Greenberg's squad is a decent way to begin ACC play. Carolina has won four straight against the Hokies, and the Heels will certainly want to redeem themselves after the first inexplicable loss of the season.

So, let's break down the matchup a little further and see where the teams stand.

Malcolm in the middle (and everywhere else) – All ACC fans know Malcolm Delaney, the 6-3 (eighth year) junior guard who leads the Hokies in scoring (19.8 PPG), free throw percentage (86%) and assists (3 APG). Carolina will need a big night defensively from Larry Drew, Dexter Strickland and Leslie McDonald to slow Malcolm down. Delaney can beat you off the dribble or hit the three, so expect him to be the catalyst for the entire Hokie attack. Carolina's ability to contain him will be a make-or-break issue throughout the night.
Strickland business – In the past few games, Dexter Strickland has started to emerge as a true threat for the Tar Heels. As fellow freshmen John Henson and the Wear twins seem to be having trouble adjusting to the speed and size of the college game, Strickland looks more comfortable with the ball in his hands. He is attacking the basket with gusto and shooting with confidence. His maturity could mean big things for the Heels.
Keep it on the down-low – While injuries to Ginyard and Graves have robbed Carolina of some backcourt depth, the Carolina big guys are healthy and ready to rule the boards. Ed Davis, Deon Thompson and Tyler Zeller should have the edge against Virginia Tech's undersized frontline combo of Jeff Allen (6-7) and Victor Davila (6-8). Of course, the College of Charleston didn't have a big frontline, so maybe this isn't always the advantage it should be. Amazing how all the Heels' injuries occurred in the area they were already thin, isn't it?
Who's ready for prime time? - Virginia Tech stands at 12-1 on the season, although they have only played one team inside the top 50 of the RPI rankings. That team, Temple, handed the Hokies their only loss of a season. Virginia Tech only has two wins over “quality” opponents - Georgia (8-5) and Seton Hall (9-5). Contrast that to UNC (11-4) whose schedule includes five top-50 opponents. Of course, of those five, three were losses, but here's hoping that the early tests to UNC will bode well for a solid start to the ACC season.

Stillman's View from the Couch: College of Charleston
1/4/10

6:56 - Ah, Bobby Cremins! Gird up your loins, sir! How we've longed for our opportunity to finally get our revenge on you for...you know...talking funny.

7:01 - I should mention that Dave and Kristin found out today that they'll be having a baby boy in June. Both of them (especially Kristin) are excited to find out the names that you, the readers of CWC, recommend for their progeny. Please suggest your best Carolina-related name ideas for their perusal. (Note that Serge, Ademola, and Octavus are already under consideration). There's a free Priceless Gym t-shirt waiting for you if your suggested name is the one they choose.

7:04 - Impressive. A starting lineup that includes, Ed , Larry (v2), Dex, and David the Twin. We could actually insert Baby New Year into the lineup and we'd have more experience on the floor.

7:09 - Dave wants to know why he's already having flashbacks to the Food Lion Classic in Charlotte against these guys. I want to tell him that he can relax because Jason Capel and Matt Doherty are no longer associated with the program, but I think I'll just let him sweat for a while.

7:18 - We just got four offensive rebounds in one possession. Bad news is that each of those rebounds was flanked by a missed shot.

7:25 - Dave wants to know if he's seen Marcus Ginyard suit up for the last time. He's very dramatic.

7:29 - I'm suggesting Dexter as a possible name for Dave's kid.

7:33 - Little known fact: College of Charleston is commonly referred to simply as "The College" because they're the only accredited school of any kind in the state of South Carolina.

7:57 - By the way, I'm not sure if I enjoy it more when State loses by 30, or when they lose on a 70-foot buzzer beater. But no worries, Wuffies...I'm pretty sure Sidney Lowe is the answer. Pretty sure.

8:04 - For a fleeting second, I thought David Wear was Will Johnson.

8:11 - We could lose this game. Entirely within the realm of possibility.

8:22 - How is it fair that Billy Mays is dead and Vince the Shamwow guy is still alive?

8:34 - Wow. Easy Ed nearly shattered the backboard. Didn't realize he had that in him.

8:36 - And again. What a beast.

8:47 - Sometimes the phrase "crashing the boards" doesn't necessarily fit a team just because they happen to rebound well. I mean, the 2000 Final Four team was a good rebounding team, but Brendan Haywood and Kris Lang don't really strike me as "board crashers." But the term fits this team. When we're going for offensive rebounds, there's definitely crashing involved.

8:54 - Holy geez. Overtime in Charleston. I'll be glad to put these brutal games behind us and get to the more relaxed ACC.

9:06 - How weird is it that Leslie McDonald is suddenly playing major minutes?

9:11 - Jones Angell was just on TV looking like he'd tasted some sour milk that had been stored in Travis Wear's shoe for the last four days. And that's your ballgame. Flippin' Bobby Cremins.

Chris: Previewing the Scarlet Knights
12/27/09

The Tar Heels may receive a belated Christmas present on Monday when the State University of New Jersey (you’d go by Rutgers too, wouldn’t you?) visits the Smith Center for an 8:30 tip off. The game comes in the middle of Carolina’s scheduling cooldown before they begin ACC play in January, and though the Heels shouldn’t be threatened, the Scarlet Knights have shown that they’ll put up a fight.

The Rutgers Athletic Department has placed a new emphasis on football prowess, and the team recently topped Central Florida in some bowl sponsored by some company. Such gridiron publicity seems to be bleeding into their men’s basketball program. During last season, then-freshmen Mike Rosario and Gregory Echenique combined to lead all Big East rookies in eight statistical categories. A fine achievement in a conference that the talking heads so often refer to as the BigbigbigbestconferenceofalltimeyesyesofalltimeEast.

As sophomores, Rosario and Echenique are leading team scoring with 17.7 and 12.6 points per game, respectively. Rosario’s game is impressively smooth and may be hard to overlook on Monday night. Last year in Chapel Hill he tallied 26 points, shooting 9 for 17 from the field, 4 for 8 from three, and 4 for 4 from the line. Echenique may be less of a threat, as he has shown weaknesses in his rebounding. Despite standing 6’9”, the Venezuelan has not been able to match his freshman performance, and grabbed only two rebounds in Rutgers’ one big game against Florida (a 73-58 loss). In case you haven't heard, for some reason Urban Meyer's departure has caused the Gator basketball program to fall apart - now having lost three games in a row to Syracuse, Richmond, and South Alabama.

The young duo are joined by seven-foot senior Hamady Ndiaye, who is apparently of no relation to this fine fellow. Ndiaye currently leads the Big East in blocks, but “leads” is a term that doesn’t really tell the whole story. The Senegalese international has rejected 63 shots to date, while Ed Davis and John Henson, Carolina’s top two blockers, have notched 34 and 16 respectively. Ndiaye’s power must come from his suit, and, given his size, it’s safe to say that those dots are larger than you think.

The Scarlet Knights are coached by Fred Hill, who is quite possibly the dweebiest-looking coach in all of New Jersey, which would place him high in the running for dweebiest worldwide. In his fourth season at the helm, Hill has guided Rutgers to a 9-2 record and looks poised to continue the solid recruiting performance that began with Rosario and Echenique.

As for the Heels, a fine, but biscuit-shy performance against the Thundering Herd of Marshall helped work out the aches of the Texas game. The team looked committed to running the floor, and Tyler Zeller in particular made his presence known with a career-high 18 points. Will Graves, on the other hand, was benched for lack of effort. To his credit, he picked up his game in the second half and was rewarded with minutes, out of which he squeezed 13 points and 10 boards. So as long as he and Roy can avoid a Favre-Childress situation, it looks like all should be well in the Dean Dome on Monday night.

Stillman's View from the Press Box: Pittsburgh
12/26/09

4:17 - First time I've taken in a Carolina game from the press box instead of the stands since, well, last year's Meineke Car Care Bowl. But don't worry, we're mixing it up a little bit this year...instead of hiding out in Chapel Hill, Dave is down below, surrounded by a bunch of Pitt fans. So either he'll have some humorous updates throughout the afternoon, or someone will have ended his life before it's all over. Either outcome is equally likely.

4:24 - Today's crowd is substantially weaker than last year's version. I guess that's what happens when you have a bowl game featuring two teams who lost to N.C. State.

4:29 - Today's crowd is not just substantially weaker than last year's...it's substantially weaker than a typical Friday night game at Fred T. Foard High School.

4:34 - Dave says that some guy a few rows behind him keeps yelling, "No class yankees! Carpet baggers and scallywags! Go home yankees!" That's cool, I haven't heard a good "scallywags" insult in a while.

4:43 - Wide right! Wide right! Scott Norwood missed it! The Giants have won the Super Bowl!!! Oh, sorry. Hit the wrong "wide right" button there. In any event, still 0-0 after Pitt wanks their first field goal attempt.

4:46 - Nice end around for Greg Little. Somewhere, Brandon Tate is smiling. Or maybe not...maybe he's ticked off that he has to play for Bill Belichick.

4:49 - Well, that's a shame. Best catch of the season for Pianalto, but it's coming back because of an alleged illegal formation. But it's probably just as well...Zach probably would have broken a bone if he'd scored. That's what he usually does.

4:56 - Congratulations to Greg Little for being a big part of the first ever touchdown drive in school history that ended with a punt. Butch is not pleased. Although Chad ~~Johnson~~ Ochocinco probably couldn't be prouder. 7-0 Heels.

5:06 - Fumble on the 1-yard line and out of the end zone for a touchback. Ouch, that's even painful to watch when it happens to the other team. I wonder if Dion Lewis will want to keep the ball that he broke Tony Dorsett's rushing record with, when it's the same ball that he fumbled out of the end zone?

5:16 - Dave wants to know if Butch is pulling some sort of "I'm not cutting my hair again until we win a bowl game" stunt. Also, after visiting Cowboys Stadium last week, he's not impressed with the Bank of America Stadium jumbotrons.

5:32 - Well, we're losing. 10-7. Thought you might like to know. Happened kinda quickly.

5:36 - It's usually funny to me when fans think they know more than the coaches. But the people who were complaining in October that Ryan Houston didn't get enough carries...well, they may have had a point.

5:48 - Just got my picture made with George Foreman. I got nervous and ended up mumbling something like, "Thanks for the grill...I use it a lot."

6:03 - And 13-10 is your halftime score. Feels more like it should be about 31-28 with all of the yardage that's been racked up in this game.

6:17 - Dave says that the scallywag guy in his section is now telling the Pitt fans that they have no screening process for their cheerleaders.

6:26 - Bob Griese totally cut in front of me in the halftime dessert line. Jerk.

6:46 - Jheranie Boyd likes catching passes and running in the wrong direction, I've noticed.

6:47 - Greg Little touchdown, followed by handing the ball to the referee. That's weak sauce, Gregory. Act like you haven't been there before.

6:49 - Dave: "If Roy Williams were here, he'd have the fans two rows behind me ejected. And they're pulling for Carolina."

6:54 - Wow, just found out that Urban Meyer is stepping down because he's sick. Wow. Well...Tom O'Brien to Florida? Let's start that rumor.

7:09 - Is it wrong that I've spent the last 15 minutes trying to figure out if we can steal some of Florida's recruits?

7:15 - Dion Lewis ain't bad. I'm kinda ready to not be playing against him.

7:19 - Say what you will about the Meineke Car Care Bowl, but the last three times we've been here, it's been a pretty terrific game. Hopefully we're not looking at the third consecutive terrific game that we end up losing.

7:26 - That is unbelievable. Cam Thomas. Senior. Offsides on the field goal attempt. Just unbelievable. I give up.

7:33 - It was inevitable. 19-17, Pitt.

7:37 - I'm officially predicting a T.J. interception to end the game.

7:40 - Or badly overthrown on 4th down. I was close.

Brian: Previewing the Thundering Herd
12/22/09

The good news for Tar Heel basketball fans is that we won’t play another team as big, athletic, and powerful as Texas any time soon. The bad news for Tar Heel basketball fans is that this Marshall team happens to be big, athletic, and powerful in their own right. I’m not saying Coach Williams should be contacting the doctors for Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, and Roger Clemens just yet… but hopefully he’s got their numbers jotted down somewhere near his desk.

Everyone knew this year’s squad would be a growing season rather than the championship-caliber teams we’ve been lucky enough to witness over the past three years. As it turns out, “growing” is literally what this team needs to do in order to compete with some of the beefier front lines we’ve seen recently. Texas’ squad had so many grown men in the house that it felt more like a Rush concert than an NCAA game. UNC needs toughness, and unfortunately there’s no quick fix for that kind of deficiency.

The physical development between college freshmen and seniors is such that the height advantage UNC possess on the blocks isn’t proving to be the dominating force it might otherwise be. Coaches and commentators constantly laud UNC’s frontcourt size; however, a more accurate description would be that UNC has length. “Size” implies weight as well as height, yet the stoutest guy on the team, Will Graves, plays entirely on the perimeter and is sucking wind before the first TV timeout. If we could trade a few inches of length for a few inches of girth, we’d be in great shape. (“That’s what she said!”)

Now, this team isn’t soft by any means. If you think that’s the case, take a look at a certain rival 8 miles down the road. Those guys may as well be auditioning for Charmin commercials every time they step on the court. But UNC has several holes to fill before it can truly be an elite squad, and the biggest one may well be toughness. When Tyler Hansbrough graduated, UNC lost its only player who opponents looked at and thought, “Wow, that guy would throw his grandmother to the floor to get a rebound. Maybe I’ll sit out this play.” Carolina fans should be thrilled that they have 2-3 potential lottery picks in the frontcourt, but let’s face it: “Easy” Ed Davis, Deon “California Love” Thompson, and Tyler “My One Rebound Was Purely By Accident” Zeller aren’t the kind of physically imposing brutes that can impose their will at any time.

All of this leads to a tougher-than-expected matchup against an athletic Marshall team that can score the ball and play defense. Marshall is currently 9-1 and hails from Conference USA. (Be honest: did you even know C-USA still existed?). In a sense, they’re a “diet” version of this year’s Heels: a deep, balanced team that doesn’t have a dominant player but has the length inside to disrupt offenses. Gastonia’s own Hassan Whiteside opened some eyes earlier this year with a triple-double against Brescia, with the huge caveat that it came against a team that sounds like a realm of Middle Earth. And a triple-double against hobbits just isn’t that impressive.

The Texas game served as a painful reminder that this UNC team leads the nation in “Guys Over 6-8 Getting Packed On Half-Hearted Dunk Attempts*” (*note: not an official NCAA statistic). Thus, any guy like Whiteside who’s 7-feet and 235 pounds is going to pose a problem. Look for us to toss the ball inside before having it rudely tossed back.

Carolina’s advantage should be in the skill of its big men and height mismatches on the perimeter. Marshall’s tallest starting guard is only 6-3, so the Strickland-Ginyard-Graves/Henson backcourt should see plenty of action. Carolina needs this win to get back on track before starting league play and to prove to the doubters that this team is truly improving from game to game. They should accomplish all of these things on Tuesday night, though it will be easier said than done.

Dave: Random Thoughts from Cowboys Stadium
12/19/09

- Why--over 1,000 miles from Chapel Hill, in a game pitting Carolina against Texas--is there a guy sporting a Duke sweatshirt?

- I'm confused by the positioning of some of the luxury boxes here. They're literally right beside the field. Way too close to the action, but players on the sideline would block your entire view. To get to the field from them, it would be like coming from a dugout onto the field. I guess they just watch on TV in the box.

- We should feel right at home here. Above one of the end zones is a huge logo of that area's sponsor. Ford. Similar to playing at Ford Field, I imagine.

- In the ring of honored players, which includes Aikman and Irvin, there is also a Jordan (Lee Roy), Perkins (Don), and Landry (Tom). Pearce should be honored at the Dean Dome. Or, he should at least be honored that I considered him noteworthy enough to mention this.

- The Texas fight song seems to have 'I've been workin' on the railroad' in the background of the tune.

- I struggle not to watch the preacher on the big screen at church. So it's pretty hard not to have the same problem here. At least this screen is way high, so once I'm looking down, the motion on the screen doesn't really catch my eye. But once I'm looking up, neither does the action on the court.

- The mascot's jersey number is 1/2. Not really sure what that means.

- The person in charge of updating the list of players in the game on the stat board is way behind. He usually has 3 of the 5 correct. In fact, they're so far behind that I saw Jerry Stackhouse listed as being on the court.

- How big is the video screen? Well, it makes Deon look about three times bigger than he is in real life. And the box containing the words 'first half" is bigger than my TV.

- One of the halftime contests was two little kids playing a video game on the world's largest screen. Nothing like playing pong, the world's oldest video game on a technological marvel like this screen.

- Either it's a long way to the locker room, or Roy opted to rip them a new one at halftime. Either way, we made it back out to warm up with 30 seconds left.

- Does this team have a run in them? Not specifically today, just in general.

- You can see the stadium from about ten miles away. No exaggeration there. Ten miles.

Daniel: Previewing the Longhorns
12/18/09

Somewhere in the archives of the Carolina Athletic Media Relations Office is a picture of Dante Calabria (’95) attempting a layup against Texas in the Smith Center in November 1994. “Attempting” is the best word for it, because a Longhorn player trailing the well-coiffed Calabria is grabbing his forehead, as if trying to turn Dante into a Pez dispenser.

The picture captured the rugby-esque nature of that season-opening 96-92 win for the Tar Heels. Dean Smith – never a fan of physical play – spent most of game fuming as Tom Penders’ crew clutched and grabbed the Heels at every turn. It wasn’t poetry, but the Heels won and started yet another march to the Final Four.

For many Carolina fans, a genuine dislike of the University of Texas started that night. About six weeks later, the Heels lost to Texas in the 1994 Sun Bowl. (On a personal note, at about the same time, I met – and later married – a Texas Aggie. Happily, a hatred of “t.u.” won immediate bonus points with the future in-laws).

To make matters worse, Texas hired Mack Brown in 1997, and in 1998, Texas turned their basketball program to Rick Barnes, whose Clemson teams treated the hardwood like a karate dojo. What started with a hard foul on Dante’s noggin turned into a personal vendetta (or so it seemed). Seriously, only Duke has been this annoying in the past 15 years.

Well, it’s time to start the hatin’ again, as the Heels face off against Texas this Saturday at 2 p.m. And, this year’s contest has a chance to be the most memorable Texas-Carolina matchup yet. Barnes leads a second-ranked Texas team into a “neutral site” matchup in Dallas against the #10 Tar Heels– the first college basketball game ever staged at the billion-dollar Cowboys Stadium.

Here’s what to watch for as the eyes of Texas – and of the college basketball world – focus on this big-time December game:

Paging Dr. Scholl’s – Like last year, Marcus Ginyard’s left foot is getting a lot of attention. For good reason. Carolina has to find a way to stop – or at least slow – Texas star swingman Damion James. James is averaging 16 and 10 on the year, and he hasn’t really been pushed thus far. At 6-7, he might be a little too quick for the Henson/Wear/Wear triumvirate… but a little too big for Will Graves or other Carolina wingmen. Ginyard is just the defensive stopper needed on Saturday.
More backcourt pressure – While Carolina continues to improve at guard, the recent injuries to Ginyard and Dexter Strickland (sore hammy) couldn’t come at a worse time. Texas has a glut of guards, including J’Covan Brown (12 ppg) and Avery Bradley (10 ppg). Depth hasn’t been an issue for the Heels this year, but the Texas team is similar to Carolina in their combination of depth and athleticism.
A tale of two seasons – Just as the drive from Austin to Dallas will be easier than the trip from Chapel Hill, Texas has enjoyed a tranquil ride through the season. While the Longhorns are undefeated and boast wins against Pitt, Iowa and USC, none of those teams are currently ranked. The Heels have faced four top-notch opponents, and although 2-2 in those matchups, Carolina has already played big games on a big stage.
No place like dome – Media types like to talk about how sight lines in domes play tricks on players’ depth perception. Carolina didn’t have a problem with that at Ford Field last year in three games (just ask your local Michigan State fan), so perhaps the more cavernous Smith Center aids the transition to domes. Give Carolina the edge here.

After Ohio State, Syracuse, Kentucky and now Texas, Carolina wraps up a tough slate of pre-conference games. If everyone’s healthy – and the shots are falling – the Heels have the tools to hook the Horns and gain some momentum as ACC play approaches.

The Ejection: Roy's Explanation
12/15/09

With much of the sports world up in arms about Roy Williams ejecting an opposing fan from the Smith Center during the Presbyterian game Saturday night, ol' Roy recently attempted to explain to the media exactly what occurred. Carolina Water Cooler managed to transcribe the event, but we were unable to obtain audio. So as you read the transcript below, just imagine it being said with the same inflection that was used during this Mike Gundy press conference.

"I want to talk to you about what was said in the stands. If anybody hasn’t heard by now, I think it’s worth hearing.

Let me tell you what was said. Three fourths of it was freakin’ inaccurate. Fiction. And, what was said embarrassed me to be involved with athletics. Tremendously. What was said had to have been said by a person who doesn’t have a child. And has never had a child who has missed a free throw and come home upset. And had to deal with the dadgum child when he was upset. And kick a person when he’s down.

Here’s all that youngster does. He goes to class. He’s respectful to media. He’s respectful to the public. And he’s a good kid. And he’s not a pro athlete and he doesn’t deserve to be kicked when his team is up by 40. If the guy who said that has a child someday, he’ll understand how it feels. But he obviously doesn’t have a child.

I do! If his child yells at a certain head coach and tells him that he has the officials in his back pocket and he gets ejected from the arena... Or someone says he’s fat… And he comes home crying to his mom – that fan will understand. But he hasn’t had that. But someday he will. And when his child comes home he’ll understand.

If a heckler wants to go after an athlete (one of MY athletes!), he should go after one that doesn’t do the right thing. Like Will Graves. Or Rasheed Wallace. You don’t downgrade him because he does everything right and may not shoot free throws as well during a game. If we want to put him on the line shooting technical foul shots, you let us make that decision.

That’s why I don’t listen to the fans. Not even when I’m doing my radio show. Because they are garbage! And the Rams Club member that gave that Presbyterian fan a ticket is garbage! Attacking an amateur athlete for doing everything right. And then fans wanna talk bad about guys who don’t do everything right, and then they go pro, and they downgrade them. The ones that do make plays.

Are you kidding me? Where are we at in society today? Come after me! I’m a man! I’m 59! I’m not a kid. Yell something at me. Or our coaches. Don’t heckle a kid that does everything right. That can’t shoot free throws. And then say that the coaches said to eject you. That ain’t true. I told the ushers to check your ticket to see if you were in the right seat. I didn’t kick you out. That’s not true!

So get your facts straight. I hope someday that fan has a child and somebody downgrades him and belittles him and he has to look him in the eye and say 'you know what – dadgummit – that’s ok. They’re supposed to be mature adults, but they’re really not.'

Who’s the kid here? Who’s the friggin’ kid? Are you kidding me?

That’s all I got to say. Makes me want to puke. I could give a @#$% about the fans right now."

Presbyterian: Coverage Boycott
12/12/09

We here at Carolina Water Cooler are going to follow the lead of the television networks - who failed to air Carolina's 103-64 victory over Presbyterian - and also refuse to cover the game. That's right, no post game comments about Marcus Ginyard sitting the game out or Marc Campbell finally getting a mark in the scoring column this year. And certainly no mocking the Blue Hose for being nicknamed the Blue Hose (which would be as simple as shooting fish in a barrel). All to prove the point that if a game isn't worth being televised, it isn't worth commenting on at all.

Actually, that's not the real reason for the lack of coverage. The truth is, both Dave and Stillman grew up devout Baptists, and neither could even consider devoting an entire page on this website to another denomination. For that reason, this site will also never cover any future games against Methodist University (located in Stillman's former town of Fayetteville) or Southern Methodist University (coached by former Tar Heel head coach Matt Doherty). The Quakers are actually lucky this article was ever penned.

In addition, even if we'd wanted to report on this game, we couldn't have, as we spent the majority of the second half throwing up. Why would holding more than a 30 point lead for the entire final 20 minutes cause us to feel nauseous, you may ask? Did you happen to notice the score late in the first half? Specifically, when it was 40-12? Remind you of anything?

Done vomiting? We'll wait.

To make up for causing you to remember that horrible, repressed memory - and to help you folks who are just now getting started with your holiday shopping - Carolina Water Cooler would like to offer you a once in a lifetime deal... Priceless Gym t-shirts for just $7.99. That's right, for less than eight bucks you can own (or gift) this unique piece of Dean Dome apparel.

Any purchase you could make would be incredibly beneficial. You see, December 31st is fast approaching, and - being a CPA - Dave is going to force Stillman to count all shirts remaining in inventory immediately after the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve. (And, as a graduate of Fred T. Foard High School, Stillman's counting ability leaves quite a bit to be desired.)

We'd also like to offer a free Priceless Gym t-shirt to Presbyterian head coach Gregg Nibert (that's right, double G, single B) for breaking Pete Gillen's long-standing record of "quickest exhaustion of all timeouts" in Smith Center history. Gregg, if you'll shoot us an email from your Presbyterian email account that includes your size and address, we'll get this thing shipped out as quickly as you can say "time out!" Congrats on breaking a record we thought would never fall!

Dave's View from the Couch: Kentucky
12/5/09

12:19 - Before the game starts, Carolina Water Cooler would like to go on record as saying that it was worth losing the Big Ten Challenge to have Duke be at least partially responsible for the shortcoming.

12:39 - Live stat tracker: two seconds elapsed, one foul on the Heels.

12:43 - In the phrase "a foul is called on the floor," is a modifier not misplaced?

12:45 - Alright, John Wall. We get it. You're good at basketball.

12:52 - Kentucky has scored 13 points in a row, culminating in an alley-oop. Kristin says she thinks now is the time for Roy to call a timeout. I wish her the best of luck with that proposition.

1:02 - After Syracuse went on that 22-1 run to start the second half, I didn't think we'd see anything like that again this season. But here we are. Seeing something worse.

1:04 - Vaguely reminiscent of the Tayshaun Prince game. Except this time, their entire team is dominating us.

1:16 - If I don't give any more updates for the rest of the game, will anyone care? If not, I'm just going to go gouge my eyes out.

6:29 Greenwich Mean Time - Friend-of-the-Site Geoffrey checks in with our farthest ever View from the Couch contribution. He's in Edinburgh, Scotland (watching the game via Slingbox) and says that he's five hours ahead of us and the future looks cloudy and rainy.

1:34 - It seems like every season when I hear the CBS tourney music for the first time ("duh-nuh-nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh-nuh...") it's an unpleasant experience. This season it's when the Heels are down 15 at halftime. A couple years back it was an N.C. State-Florida game, and watching the Wolfpack play was terribly painful.

1:43 - Crap, the second half is starting. I've been dreading this moment since the first half ended.

1:50 - John Wall is injured and has gone to the UK locker room. I don't want to sound pleased about an opponent's injury, but honestly, that was about our only shot at coming back in this game.

1:54 - Seven point game. And Calipari wants a time out.

6:57 Greenwich Mean Time - Geoffrey says this game reminds him of the 2008 Final Four game against Kansas. On behalf of Carolina fans everywhere, I'd like to thank him for reminding us that game occurred.

2:00 - Official word is that John Wall is cramping up. Given that he's not really "injured," I don't feel bad about hoping he doesn't return.

2:08 - Disregard my last statement, as Wall has now returned.

2:11 - Impressive dunk from Dex. Really thought he was just going to lay it in.

2:26 - Stillman texts to say that neither John Wall nor Larry Drew are worthy of wearing Quentin Thomas' jersey number. I think he's implying that point guard play has fallen off a smidge this half.

2:33 - My hopes were up ever so briefly, but with under two minutes to play and still down five, I've tempered my expectations.

2:37 - Two point game with just over 30 seconds left. Why must they do this to me?

2:41 - Well, fiddlesticks.

2:48 - Let's take a week off.

Chris: Previewing the Wildcats
12/4/09

I think this might be my favorite basketball rivalry.

Bear with me, because I know that sentence was almost criminal. Yes, I know that UNC-UK is only kind of a rivalry (series record is 21-10, UNC; and it’s only over the last decade that they’ve been meeting annually); yes, I know that UNC-Duke is the greatest rivalry in sports; and, yes, I hate Duke with the fury of a thousand suns. Despite all of this, I still think this matchup might top my rivalry list.

Part of my reason for liking this game so much might be that when I say I hate Duke, I mean I hate Duke. All my bodily humours get upset during those games because it is a battle of good versus evil, and I know that I’m far from alone in feeling that way. When the Heels play Kentucky, though, all my humours stay in balance and I can just enjoy a basketball game. These are the two winningest programs in college history ( UK: 1,995; UNC: 1,990) facing off as they should and, to their credit, going out of their way to do it. Billy Gillispie has made several bad decisions in his life, but I applaud him and Roy Williams for continuing this series.

This Saturday’s matchup in Lexington should provide the rivalry with another notable chapter, because, let’s face it, any time you get to see Ashley Judd is notable. And although we may all be thinking about Ashley, she will no doubt be focused on the basketball and this game’s several subplots. Among them are John Wall’s embattled recruitment, John Calipari’s first season after his spurious departure from Memphis, and the Heels’ defense of a national championship. Well, maybe this is turning into a battle of good versus evil after all…

Carolina is coming off of a signature win against #9 Michigan State in the ACC-Big Ten Challenge. This was a victory which, with any luck, was a formative experience for a team still searching for an identity. Kentucky, on the other hand, is ranked #4 in the nation with a 7-0 record against a powderpuff schedule. Saturday’s game between the two could hinge on Tar Heel defense, with Larry Drew II and Marcus Ginyard matching up against Wall and Patrick Patterson. Strong performances from Dexter Strickland and John Henson could also make the difference, and the two have only improved as the season as gone on. Strickland had a career-best performance against MSU, and alongside him Henson notched four blocks in just fourteen minutes. Whatever the game’s result, the future of the UK-UNC rivalry looks safe in the hands of the young Heels.

But I still say that as badly as I want to beat Kentucky, they aren’t as bad as Duke.

Dave's View from the Couch: Michigan State
12/1/09

9:07 - Don't look now, but the Big 10 has a 3-0 lead in this year's challenge.

9:12 - Dan Shulman says that Michigan State is looking to "exact a measure of revenge" for last year's National Championship loss. Yes, I'm sure their fans will be appeased much in the same way Illinois fans were after their Dean Dome victory in 2005.

9:19 - Can we talk for a minute about how much I don't care about TIger Woods and his recent car accident? Actually, let's not. I don't want to give him the satisfaction.

9:24 - One of my favorite things about Dick Vitale is how he makes the most definitive statement possible about a controversial topic/event. What's even better than that is when video evidence proceeds to prove his statement false.

9:28 - Remember when Larry had no confidence in his shot? What changed?

9:34 - ESPN is trying to determine the "team of the decade." They showed some statistics for each of the potential choices. Carolina has a .728 winning percentage in the decade. That's not all that impressive until you consider that for one entire season that percentage was .286.

9:38 - I haven't said much about it so far because there's been a lot of other stuff to talk about, but this has been by far the best game of the young season.

9:44 - Someone please tell ESPN to stop shrinking the screen just to show us a close up of the coaches' faces. Seriously, does anyone who works for that network ever actually watch sports on television?

9:54 - Ed Davis looks like he's put on about 25 pounds. Since the Nevada game.

9:57 - Strickland with a three pointer at the buzzer to put the Heels up 50-34 at halftime! Barring a horrid tragedy, Carolina won't lose this game 98-63, which was really my only goal coming into the evening. Of course, I didn't think we'd be heading into halftime with the possibility of winning by that score.

10:03 - A-Roc wants to know if it's possible the Michigan State men's team might come out to play after halftime. Kind of insulting to the women's team, don't you think?

10:18 - I'm sure we have, but I can't remember us missing a shot tonight.

10:27 - Looks like Usain Bolt is running the point for both teams right now. It's a track meet out there.

10:39 - I'm really happy Bobby Bowden was able to go out with some dignity. I'm just glad he's not begging one of the Florida bowls to let them play.

10:44 - Zeller may be the only person to miss a shot tonight. And, not to criticize, but he's missed plenty of them. Badly.

10:49 - Delvon Roe just fouled out. That's ok, he didn't want to play in Chapel Hill anyway.

11:02 - Deon just popped a three with two minutes left. No clue why. Lead is down to eight, by the way.

11:09 - Free throws, free throws, free throws.

11:16 - Seven point W. And it really wasn't that close.

Brian: Previewing the Spartans
11/30/09

What is it with Carolina playing MSU seemingly every year over the past decade? One can’t help but wonder if the NCAA President and his wife are alums of these two schools and this is the method they use to solve their marital disputes. Fortunately, whichever spouse attended UNC is getting the better end of this bargain. In addition to knocking the Spartans out of the 2007 NCAA tournament behind a monster game from Tyler Hansbrough, the Heels gave Tom Izzo’s club an epic beatdown in last year’s ACC-Big10 challenge. There was one other game too recently…sometime in early April…but it probably wasn’t important. In fact, according to MSU fans, it never even happened.

Suffice it to say that some of these Spartans have endured not one, not two, but three thrashings at the hands of Carolina. If you saw the Nevada game on TV then you likely saw Roy Williams with his arm in a sling. As it turns out, Roy said after the game that his shoulder has been really sore from all the spankings he’s given Izzo over the years. (Note: comment may or may not have actually been made).

Roy did, in fact, mention that, after having gesticulated to his team late in the second half, he tweaked his shoulder and said he felt the worst pain he ever felt in his life…and that was BEFORE watching John Henson airball another three-pointer. Consequently, Roy’s health will likely be a talking point over the next couple of days. Lugging around those championship rings all the time evidently takes a toll on the body. Have you seen those things in detail? It’s like wearing two Ringpops all day, only they’re made of diamonds and metal instead of sugar and plastic. No wonder the guy is hurting.

Moving on, Michigan State brings a tough, albeit perhaps slightly overrated club to Chapel Hill this Tuesday night. For the most part, this team reflects the characteristics that have defined the Izzo Era in East Lansing: physical, hard-nosed basketball with a strong emphasis on rebounding the ball. In addition, MSU returns most of the team that reached last year’s championship game. They will, however, be without sweet-shooting center Goran Suton, who despite looking suspiciously like a flesh-eating ogre was actually a pretty decent basketball player.

Although both teams were predicted to roll into this matchup with unblemished records, that expectation never materialized. The Heels got rocked by Syracuse and was tested by Ohio State and Nevada before pulling out two big wins against those squads. MSU, on the other hand, was edged by Florida on a neutral site last Friday, one of many surprising upsets during the early goings of this college basketball season.

Incidentally, if you’re wondering how to best imagine Michigan State’s team, just think of them as the anti-dook. They have a coach who commands respect instead of derision. They play tough, physical basketball with no theatrics. They have legitimate post players. They don’t jack up a lot of threes. They have kids from tough neighborhoods instead of Jersey suburbanites. And, most notably, they tend to start slow in the season but finish strong. Are you listening Kry-zooski?

Unfortunately, Florida was able to beat Michigan State using an asset that Carolina doesn’t have a lot of: good guard play. Larry Drew II played his best game as a Tar Heel against Nevada, including hitting two huge threes down the stretch that helped put the game out of reach. (Thank goodness too, because I’m not sure the sports world would have survived UNC losing to two wolfpack teams on the same weekend.) But there’s a difference in playing well against Nevada and playing well against Kalin Lucas and Michigan State.

There are lots of other interesting story lines here, such as the tale of MSU forward Delvon Roe, who allegedly lied to Roy about coming to Carolina only to sign with Michigan State. Roe has had a rough career since then, needing surgeries on both knees and getting blown out twice by the team he spurned. Carolina, meanwhile, had to “settle” for Ed Davis, a future lottery pick who gets to carry around a shiny ring all day. Who feels better? Hint: it’s not MSU.

Truth be told, no one knows what to expect from this game, especially given the dynamics of how things ended between the two teams last season. Whether it’s a high-scoring shootout or a low-scoring grindfest is up to the players and the coaches – and perhaps Karl Hess, if Carolina fans are unfortunate enough to have him refereeing the game. In any event, this contest has all the makings of a matchup worth watching.

Stillman's View from the Couch: Nevada
11/29/09

6:38 - Well, this is different. Normally, we're forced to endure several minutes of inane pre-game babbling because games usually start about 12 minutes later than they're supposed to. But tonight, we seem to have tipped off seven minutes early. And FoxSports actually has their HD feed working. I haven't been this happy since this morning when I happened upon a Hardee's free burger coupon in my desk that was going to expire if not used by today. Whew!

6:43 - Marcus the Beloved. We don't call him that for nothing. What a beast.

6:44 - Ok, I've gone as long as I could without commenting on Roy's shoulder brace. My only hope is that the brace will be as helpful as Rashad's shoulder brace in the '02 Preseason NIT when he dropped about 56 on Kansas. Of course, Roy was coaching that Kansas team, so if we lose tonight, we'll have pretty clear evidence that shoulder braces are bad luck for Ol' Roy.

6:48 - I feel fairly confident in saying that Tyler Zeller is the best non-starter in the country this season. In fact, he's probably the best non-starter since Antawn came off the bench because Guthridge wanted to stick to his alphabetical rotation.

6:53 - Dave wants me to let everyone know that he won't be chiming in with any witty text messages because he's busy wrapping Christmas presents. Actually, that might have just been for my information, not public consumption. Now that I think about it, this could be pretty embarrassing for him. A grown man wrapping Christmas presents during a Carolina basketball game? Oh well, I don't feel like backspacing.

6:57 - Ed Davis is not a terrific ballhandler. In fact, Brendan Haywood might have been better.

7:09 - Dave is apparently finished wrapping presents (or maybe taking a break to get hydrated) because he just checked in wanting to know if Luke Babbitt reminds me of Lorena Bobbitt. If he means "are their names similar," then the answer is...of course. If he means "do they look similar," then the answer is...yeah,maybe a little bit.

7:15 - Tim Brando's use of the term "whirling dervish" has gotten me to thinking...exactly what is a dervish? I've never heard the word except when it's preceded by "whirling." Is it a word that can stand on its own? Like, "Ed Cota...we all loved that dervish." Or maybe it can be used with other adjectives? For instance...could Orlando Melendez be considered a "leaping dervish?" Or is Bruce Carter a "tackling dervish?" WHAT IS A DERVISH, I ASK!?!?!

7:39 - The shoulder brace really limits the things that Roy is able to do on the sideline. He seems awkward and uncomfortable. Why doesn't he just make Jarod Haase wear the brace for him? What exactly is he paying those guys for?

7:52 - As Nevada takes the lead, Brando says its because we're looking ahead to the ACC/Big Ten Challenge. Yep...that's probably it. That event is known for the great anticipation that accompanies it.

8:03 - We've missed a lot of shots tonight. Haven't seen us miss this many shots since that time we nearly lost to Binghamton in the 8-20 season.

8:08 - Good news: Will Graves just put us back in the lead. Bad news: Roy re-injured his shoulder in the process. He's almost in tears. Somewhere there's a Wayne Simien "I gave my right arm for that man" joke waiting to be made, but I'm not clever enough to come up with it.

8:22 - It's probably a good thing that we're playing at home. It's also probably a good thing that we're not playing Michigan State.

8:29 - Wait, Roy has 600 wins? Didn't he just get his 500th win a couple of years ago? That would mean that we've won a crapload of games in the last three years. And probably had a national championship run along the way. Yeah, I guess 600 sounds about right. Also, we probably make better commemorative videos than any other university.

Not-So-Super Bowl 0.5 Coverage
11/28/09

Not-So-Super Bowl 0.5 has come and gone, and North Carolina came up just a point shy of taking home the hardware. The victors, the Wolfpack of N.C. State, will now advance to the offseason, while the Heels will be required to play one more game before being allowed to prepare for the 2010 season.

The mood in the Tar Heel locker room was somber following the game. However, despite the loss, Greg Little still managed to find lots to flap his trap about after the game (one of the most amazing feats of the day, given all the yapping he'd already done during the game). "Obviously I'm unhappy about losing in the first - well, the half - Not-So-Super Bowl between us and State. But it was good preparation for our real bowl game to get to play in half of one today. Give the Pack credit, they came out there with the intensity of a team playing in a game with meaning. We didn't. Guess that's why they call it Not-So-Super Bowl 0.5 and not Not-So-Super Bowl 1."

Meanwhile, the Wolfpack locker room was quite a bit more jovial...both in comparison to Carolina's locker room and in comparison to their own locker room following nearly all of their regular season games. But, winning a post-season game makes up for many of the woes of State's 4-7 regular season. "We're just happy to be able to give our fans what they truly want - a Not-So-Super Bowl victory against Carolina," said quarterback Russell Wilson. "Everything else we accomplished during the year - beating Murray State and Gardner Webb - is just gravy."

While the Wolfpack may have had more motivation for Saturday's game, that didn't make the loss any less embarrassing for North Carolina. As proof of that fact, immediately following the game Dick Baddour announced a shake-up in the Carolina coaching staff.

"We are now three years into the Butch Davis era, and while many aspects of the last three seasons have been successful, Coach Davis' record against N.C. State is unacceptable. Now that the State-Carolina game has been moved to the end of the season, being dubbed the Not-So-Super Bowl, we've decided to make a change. Effective next season, Coach John Bunting will be returning to the sidelines to coach against the Wolfpack. Butch Davis will continue with his regular coaching duties in all other aspects of the program. But just for the Not-So-Super Bowl games, John will be our guy."

Butch Davis declined to comment on the decision, stating that he had a real bowl game to start preparing for. On the other hand, Tom O'Brien had plenty (by his standards) to say about the situation. "I'm happy to have won the game today, and I look forward to Not-So-Super Bowl 1.5 - regardless of who is coaching at North Carolina. Luckily, with my win today, I've secured my job here for another season."

Brian: Previewing the Wolfpack
11/25/09

Wow. Take a deep breath everyone. This is finally it. The Big Game. The Natty. The ‘Ship. Banners will be hung. T-shirts sold. And don’t even think about being on the field afterwards without body armor and a nightstick. Here we are at last – the 2009 FBS College Football Championship.

Wait, what? You’re saying it’s just a regular-season ACC game between two teams whose postseasons are more or less decided? That can’t possibly be true. Just talk to a State fan. True, they’re getting harder to find these days, but if God forsakes the world of college football this week and the Wolfpack actually wins this game, it will be like they’d never left.

Truth be told, this game means more than Carolina fans would like to admit. Not because State is our top rival or our toughest opponent or even a big game this year. It’s because no one likes to lose to an inferior squad three years in a row. Especially when for their supporters this is the one and only matchup they live for. Let’s put aside the prestigious bass fishing championship for a moment. We’re talking about a fanbase whose sole athletic achievement the past year has been a road win over UNC football. Read that again and let it sink in for a bit.

Butch Davis and Tom O’Brien entered the ACC coaching ranks the same year and both have had their ups and downs, but Tar Heel fans can and should feel a lot better about the present and future of their program than NCSU fans. Coach Davis has done an admirable job attracting NFL-caliber talent to Chapel Hill and the results on the field are beginning to reflect that fact. But one thing Butch Davis has not been able to do is beat the Wolfpack. (Ironically, this is the one thing John Bunting WAS capable of doing.)

All that handwringing should come to an end this year. Carolina enters the game on a four-game win streak and with an overall record of 8-3 – impressive numbers for a team whose quarterback has played so poorly that one must wonder whether his incriminating photos of the coaching staff also implicate Athletic Director Dick Baddour, Chancellor Holden Thorpe, and the President of the United States.

State, on the other hand, has spiraled toward a 4-7 record (1-6 ACC) and cannot become bowl eligible. Although All-ACC Quarterback Russell Wilson hasn’t been quite as impressive this year, he’s still by far their most important player and a potent weapon. This Thanksgiving weekend, when you’re thinking of all those who’ve earned your gratitude, don’t forget to include Mr. John Bunting, who thought that Wilson would never be needed at UNC and decided not to recruit him. Kids, make sure to get your parents’ permission before banging your head repeatedly against the dining table.

In short, we have two teams that reflect each other’s deficiencies. North Carolina has a deep and talented defense that consistently proves its worth despite being on the field 59 minutes a game. Meanwhile, quarterback T.J. Yates’ struggles continued last week in Chestnut Hill. Yates threw three interceptions and wore his patented “I Sure Hope My Defensive Line Doesn’t Come Find Me After This Game” face from midway through the first quarter onwards.

With Wilson at the helm, North Carolina State has the quarterback they need to win. In Raleigh, however, it’s the defense that hasn’t held up their end of the bargain, surrendering over 30 points a game and looking increasingly worse as injuries and fatigue take their toll.

One thing is for sure: State fans will be packed into The House Where Urine Spilt this Saturday at noon for the biggest game of the year (for one team). The Heels, having already secured a postseason game, could improve their bowl standing with a win this weekend. But just as important for Heels fans, a victory over the Wolfpack would go a long way toward ending the now-familiar fallback of…

(wait for it…)

“41-10!!!!!!!! 41-10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Got to give them credit, since “29-69-6!!!!” (the Pack's overall record against North Carolina) just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

What Roy Wanted to Say: Gardner-Webb
11/23/09

What Roy said after Monday's victory over Gardner-Webb.
What Roy wanted to say after Monday's victory over Gardner-Webb.

Well, the first thing I'll say is that it's a W. And by that, I mean, "it's a win." Not "it's a former U.S. president who is the only person in the world that can drive Coach Smith to cuss at the mere mention of his name." I think we did some good things out there tonight; we tried a lot of different combinations. I noticed that Larry was enjoying a General Tso's chicken and shrimp combination, and Ed was chowing down on what looked to be Moo Goo Gai Pan. I was trying to get Henson to try a new combination because that sucker is skinny as a rail. But all he wanted to eat was some broccoli and a fortune cookie. So we got some things accomplished...except for guarding number four; we didn't do a very good job of that. Number four is, of course, Sesame Chicken and fried rice. I remember Paul Pierce used to eat that stuff all the time. We'd be at practice and I'd say, "Hey, guard number four," but that rascal would always go order number four. Raef LaFrentz would always get a kick out of that. And Greg Ostertag was a pretty good player. Nick Collison.

It was a frustrating game in some ways, because in the first half we were really tight. Tighter than those pants that Jon Gruden wears on Monday Night Football where you can always see his meat and two veggies when he sits there spread eagle during the halftime show. I think that happens when you have good kids who care about what's going on. And, as you know, I only recruit good kids. The thing I always say is that for a kid to play for me, he has to be the country's top-ranked high school player at his position and he has to be a good kid. Otherwise we encourage him to go to Kentucky.

At one point in the huddle, I told the guys that I'm not just gonna play everybody because I like their smile. No sir, you need more than a smile to be part of this team. David and Travis...they don't smile much but they say "yes sir" and "yes ma'am" a lot, so they'll continue to get minutes. Marcus tells funny jokes, so I try to let him play a lot. Will Graves learned his lesson when he smiled at me last year during the Georgia Tech game. I sat his hind end on the bench for the rest of the year. I've always said the only player who got to play just because of his smile was Kirk Hinrich. Scott Pollard was a good rebounder. Ryan Robertson.

Daniel: Previewing the Bulldogs
11/22/09

When you hear “Gardner-Webb University,” it's unlikely that much comes to mind. In fact, without using the Google machine on the interweb superhighway, our collective heads here at Carolina Water Cooler could only come up with three Gardner-Webb factoids:

Gardner-Webb is located in Boiling Springs, NC. I know this because I spent three years in Boiling Springs, SC (near Spartanburg… located 18 miles and a couple of decades from the NC line). Someone once asked me if Gardner-Webb was close to my house, and after a confusing conversation, I finally convinced him he didn't even know what state Gardner-Webb was in.
Gardner-Webb is ranked by US News and World Report as the #1 private Baptist university located in Cleveland County (a huge honor).
Carolina and Gardner-Webb played once before, and they scared the beejezus out of us.

Yes, most die-hard Tar Heel fans should remember Gardner-Webb. The first meeting, in 2005, was a November matchup between a Carolina team rebuilding from a national championship and a scrappy Runnin’ Bulldog squad (cue ominous music here).

The result of that game was a tight 83-80 Carolina win that was very much in doubt until a game-winning David Noel three-pointer with 1.8 seconds left. That's right, friends, the Heels came this close to a loss to a school whose previous athletic highlight was a loss in the 1982 NAIA football championship game (this tidbit of information courtesy of Wikipedia).

Of course, that 2005 game featured strong performances from a relatively unknown Tyler Hansbrough (21 points) and an even lesser-known Danny Green (17 points). You could say that the 2009 NCAA championship started on that night. You could also say that many a Tar Heel fan suffered their first coronaries due to that game - as it caused nightmarish flashbacks to the early games of the 2001-2002 season. ::shudder::

Flash forward to today. Hansbrough, Green and most of the class of 2009 are playing in the NBA. And the Heels are rebuilding (or, the talking heads on TV say, “reloading”) after one more shining moment. Here’s why this isn’t déjà vu all over again.

Size matters – In many ways, these early non-conference matchups are an arms race. Who has more arms – and longer arms – will have a distinct advantage. The Runnin’ Bulldogs have only one player taller than 6'8", and he’s averaging a scant 7 mpg. Carolina often has three players taller than 6'8" on the floor at the same time. Obviously, this is a huge (pun intended) advantage for the Heels.
Lessons from the Big Apple – With the “playing not to lose” win against the Buckeyes followed by the second-half butt-kicking by the Orange, Carolina learned what it could do, and more importantly, where they need to improve. Zones may be this squad's kryptonite, so look for the boys from Boiling Springs to play little, if any, man defense. Guard play continues to be rather spotty, and a capable Gardner-Webb backcourt can help the Heels hone that backcourt play.
Basketball meets track – If nothing else, this might be a fun game (unlike the Ohio State snoozefest). Currently, Gardner-Webb is averaging 89.0 ppg, and they appear to like to push the ball. (Full disclosure: we have no idea, since no one on staff gets the Boiling Springs public access channels).

All in all, this has all the markings of another early-season win. With a little luck, fans won’t finish off the heart attack that started after during the first meeting in 2005. And with a little more luck, after the OSU and Syracuse broadcasts, we should have approximately 83% fewer of those blasted Enterprise Rent-a-Car commercials where the young couple rents an SUV for a “romantic rendezvous.” Cross your fingers!

Stillman's View from the Couch: Ohio State
11/19/09

8:55 - Syracuse looks pretty good. I wish there was a way that we could avoid playing them tomorrow without having to lose tonight.

9:01 - ESPN is making a risky move here. They've installed Bobby Knight as the analyst for the 'Cuse/Cal game, and they'll have Dick Vitale for our game. That's almost like having Mack Brown as your football coach, then having Carl Torbush immediately after. And I can't even imagine what that would be like.

9:09 - Kansas highlights. Let's be honest...Bill Self really has a bad haircut. In fact, you could argue that I have a better haircut than him. And I cut my own hair.

9:27 - Well, that was painful to watch. Well-known Carolina hater Len Elmore picked us to win, but he made it seem like he'd rather be having a root canal. Then Steve Lavin basically accused him of being an ACC homer for picking us. This exchange was followed by about six seconds of awkward silence while Elmore grimaced and faked a smile until the camera cut away. I'm guessing that if they cut back to that studio at any point tonight, we'll see that Lavin has been maimed in some way.

9:38 - We're playing basketball now. Ed Davis is good.

9:52 - Have I mentioned that I desperately need a nickname for Justin Watts?

9:56 - So the youngest Zeller is a junior in high school right now? I'm already fantasizing about the possibility of having two Zellers and two Wears on the team in 2011-12. The dominance of a roster like that would be a giant cultural leap for white people everywhere. Of course, Duke will probably negate all of that cultural progress by going 7-9 in the ACC with three Plumlees on the roster.

10:10 - I was under the impression that David was the superior Wear. Why has Travis played more the last two games? Did they do the jersey swap trick already? Really thought they'd at least save that for ACC play.

10:13 - Vitale explains that the ACC won't be a cakewalk for us because we'll have to face the likes of "Maryland with Vasquez" and "Clemson with Booker." Well, Dick, I'll be real honest with you..."Clemson with Booker" doesn't really strike fear in my heart when we're "Carolina with Thompson, Davis, and Zeller."

10:19 - From now on, nobody is allowed to refer to him simply as "Marcus." He shall henceforth be known as Marcus the Beloved. You don't have to italicize it every time, but you do have to capitalize it.

10:38 - Thad Matta is not easy to look at.

10:51 - Dan Shulman: "There is not...let's see...nope, not one area where the Buckeyes are playing well tonight."

11:03 - Vitale loves the name Deon Thompson. Whatever that means.

11:19 - This team is a lot less fun to watch than I anticipated. Or maybe it's just because I wanted to go to bed about 45 minutes ago. Or maybe it's because we're playing a Big Ten team.

11:25 - Marcus the Beloved. What a beast.

11:29 - So, there's room for improvement when it comes to putting teams away from the free throw line. Other than that, my main request is no more 9:30 tipoffs, please.

11:34 - Wow. Two point game. What happened?

11:36 - Larry finally seals it. Bring on "Clemson with Booker." Or whoever we play next.

Chris: Previewing the Eagles
11/19/09

If you see Fabio on Saturday, don’t be surprised. ESPN2 cameras will almost certainly find him when the Heels travel to Boston College for another one of those new-fangled “I Can’t Belive It’s Not An Out-Of-Conference Game” games. Unfortunately, the action may be dull, as both teams will be mildly motivated to dress. BC will be attempting to maintain their puncher’s chance of getting into the ACC Championship Game, and North Carolina will be trying not to repeat last year’s post-bowl-eligiblity stinkfest. If the ACC is anything, however, it is unpredictable.

The game could also pan out a little better than indicated, since Carolina might in fact be eager to play the role of Crusher of Dreams this weekend. A Tar Heel win will eliminate the Eagles from the Championship Game, ending their two-season run of losing to VT in Florida, which was never really an ACC state anyway. A victory may also, hope beyond hope, catapult the Heels into the AP Top 25. They did receive the most votes of any unranked team last week (feel free to knock on whatever piece of imitation wood is nearby).

One factor playing into the Heels favor is that BC is 0-7 against Butch Davis-coached teams. Carolina romped to a 45-24 win in Chapel Hill last year, but the Eagles currently stand at second in the Atlantic Division, and Saturday’s contest will be Carolina’s first time playing at Chestnut Hill. It will also be their first time against longtime BC assistant Frank Spaziani. His tenure at the school is astounding, since there seems to be something in the water driving people away. First Jagodzinski and now this: it’s hard to miss, but don’t overlook the tattoo. Maybe Boston really is that bad.

As far as the active players are concerned, Carolina’s conference-best defense should again be the edge, even though BC is quarterbacked by ~~Matt Ryan~~ someone. What’s more, the defense has Tar Heel pride at stake. BC’s new offensive coordinator (now that ex-ECU coach Steve Logan resigned - that’s three), is Gary Tranquill. Yes, that Gary Tranquill. The same one who helped Bunting1N1 make scores of Carolina fans say “basketball school” to the point of physical sickness.

Butch Davis, though, seems to be curing some of those ills. The Heels are on a three-game win streak, and the offense’s final scoring drive against Miami last week was like watching a real, live, football offense (knock on more wood). If that momentum carries through the noon kickoff on Saturday, Carolina could be on its way to a respectable record and perhaps a respectable bowl game. College football's Grand Vizier Phil Steele predicted a Music City Bowl matchup against Kentucky, and only a great fool would doubt him in public.

Brian: Previewing the Buckeyes
11/17/09

If you ever dreamed of playing basketball for the University of North Carolina, consider this: as you’re sitting in your comfortable desk chair, casually alt-tabbing back to your work email whenever a coworker passes by, the objects of your desire are currently throwing up in garbage cans after an assuredly brutal practice inflicted by Coach Williams. Ol’ Roy was not pleased with the Tar Heel effort Sunday evening against Valpo, and he has a perverse habit of making himself feel better about his team by making them feel terribly, horribly bad.

You’ll never believe this, but a guy you’ve never heard of came out against the Heels and had the game of his life, going crazy from behind the arc and hitting fadeaway floaters with a hand in his face. For those fortunate (?) enough to attend the game - despite a few rare bursts of excellent play - the most amusing moments included Dean Dome P.A. announcer Kearney Andrews trying to think of new ways to call another Valpo trifecta going through the hoop:

"Three points, Brandon Wood…"

"Three pointer is good by Brandon Wood…"

"Brandon Wood gets three points…"

"Another Brandon Wood three-pointer, what the heck guys…?"

"That’s it. One more freaking three by Wood and I swear I’m ending it all…"

*sound of body slowly swinging from the rafters*

Most people have questions they wish God would answer. These tend to be things like “Why do bad things happen to good people?” or “Will I see my loved ones in Heaven?” Me, I’m thinking about leading off with, “God, why does Roy Williams always bring help from the wing to contain dribble penetration when we have the best shotblockers in the country and the other team is red-hot from the perimeter?” (A close second: “Why do we leave the floppy-haired white kid open behind the arc when defending a fast break? Has a kid like that ever blown by anyone besides his Steve Kerr cutout?" Technically two questions, but that's neither here nor there.)

All of this feeds into a pair of matchups that suddenly appear much more challenging: Carolina plays Ohio State on Thursday evening and will play either Syracuse or California on Friday. Unfortunately, all of these teams are much better than Valpo. Let’s focus on the firm matchup: Tar Heels vs. Buckeyes in the ‘Battle of the Ambiguous Mascots.’

Ohio State brings to New York a team loaded with talent and a large alumni base loaded with people who are able to spell their own names. Their squad is led by All-American candidate Evan Turner, who decided to return to school for another year of basketball instead of jumping to the NBA. Bad news first: he’s a really good player, is not a good matchup for Carolina, and will probably drive into the lane at will on Thursday. The good news is that he had the option of playing for millions of dollars in places like Orlando or L.A. and decided instead that he would rather play for free in Columbus, Ohio. So if this game somehow ends in a chess match, I like our chances.

OSU also returns some talent that UNC faced in their 2007 ACC-Big10 matchup. Swingman Davd Lighty, a candidate for the annual Nick Horvath “I Can’t Believe This Guy STILL Has Another Year of Eligibility Left” Award, will face the Heels for the third time in his career. Jon Diebler, is also back, ready to jack three-pointers regardless of score, shotclock, or openness of teammates. In 2007, Diebler hit perhaps the luckiest shot ever against the Heels - a baseline three that somehow banked in as the halftime buzzer sounded. Rest assured that he will shoot threes against Carolina like that’s all he knows how to do… because in his case that's true.

Perhaps the biggest advantage the Heels hold in this matchup is their depth. Ohio State has a very good starting five, but there’s a pretty steep dropoff when one looks down their bench. If the Heels can force the tempo and play the fast-paced game they want to play, fatigue could become a big factor in this battle. As with almost any game this season, Carolina should have an advantage in the post as well; Deon Thompson has started the season strong and should have another big night. But in order to win this game, the Heels must limit turnovers and at least make an effort defending the perimeter. Fortunately, denying an opponent good looks from behind the arc is a trademark of Carolina basketball. Right guys? Guys?

Daniel: Previewing the Crusaders
11/14/09

When most sports fans hear the name “Valparaiso,” they immediately flash back to Bryce Drew hitting a 23-foot buzzer-beater against Ole Miss in the first round of the 1998 NCAA Tournament. This was March Madness at its best… a little-known player from a little-known school sinking an amazing shot on basketball’s biggest stage. And it launched Bryce Drew into sports immortality. Just close your eyes, and you’ll forever see him sinking that three-pointer. Or, thanks to the magic of Youtube, you can watch it whenever you want.

When Carolina tangles with Valparaiso on Sunday at 4 p.m., the Smith Center crowd will get to see Bryce Drew again. Unfortunately for the Crusaders, he’s now wearing a suit as an assistant to his dad, Homer. Homer (no relation to Mr. Simpson) is in his 21st season as head coach at Indiana's International Lutheran university. Think of it as a poor, slightly less religious man's Notre Dame.

While Valpo has made memories in March, this year’s Crusader squad comes into the Carolina game struggling. They lost an exhibition contest to a Division II opponent, the University of Indianapolis (raise your hand if you knew this place existed), and they are coming off a rare losing season (9-22 in 2008-2009). With a game or two being added seemingly every season, 9-22 is the new 8-20.

But as we learned from the scrappy Florida International squad – who lost an exhibition to Northwood University yet played Carolina even through most of the season opener – an early, unexpected loss is no indication of a team’s strength. Even though this game has all the makings of a Carolina rout, here are a few things to keep your eye on:

Battle of the backcourts - Valpo returns three starting guards in their small-ball (you probably thought you were done with that phrase after the College World Series) lineup. The Tar Heels are inexperienced in the backcourt, but Larry Drew and Dexter Strickland have shown flashes of top-notch play at the point. If Valpo can exploit the guard play and keep the pace below Carolina’s breakneck preference, it may keep you from grabbing the remote to check on that late afternoon NFL game.
Frontcourt mismatch – Before the season started, many in the media wondered if Ed Davis was ready to make “the leap” to stardom. Through two games, Big Ed has lived up to that hype, but in the NC Central game, he was eclipsed by fellow sophomore Tyler Zeller's dominant performance. The tallest of the Carolina big men went for 12 points on 6-for-6 shooting, and he consistently outran smaller players down the court. Look for Zeller to have a big game against a small (only one player over 6-8) and inexperienced Valpo frontcourt.
The International House of Hardwood – The Indiana-based (and hence, basketball-focused) Crusaders have players on the roster from Croatia, Jamaica, Montenegro, and two from Australia. Even the US-born players hail from pretty cool places: guard Nick Shelton is from Frankenmuth, Michigan, and guard Brandon Wood is from Kokomo, Indiana. If you have that Beach Boys song stuck in your head for the remainder of the day, please accept my apologies.

Carolina overwhelmed NC Central, with the freshman getting past a jittery first game to lead the charge and help the Tar Heels demolish the Eagles. This will be another good chance to see the younger players continue to mature. More importantly, it will give the team another tune-up for the resumption of the Coaches vs. Cancer Classic – and the intriguing Ohio State game.

Chris: Previewing the Hurricanes
11/12/09

Remember when Miami was on the “fast track” to the national championship game? Remember when Jacory Harris was going to wear a pink suit and carry a diamond-studded goblet to the Heisman ceremony? Remember when the Hurricanes were only going to watch Spongebob Squarepants so that they could maintain peak motivation?

How times change…

An overtime loss to Clemson has removed Miami from the national debate, but there will still be plenty to see when the Hurricanes visit Chapel Hill this Saturday. If nothing else, the game should provide another opportunity to look at the circus of “The U.” Every game for the new, Caribbean members of the ACC is delightfully absurd. You can admire the team’s swagger, listen to the many fine musical compositions their players have offered up, and wonder at their fans shaving that logo into their chest hair. Then, when the novelty wears off, you can come back down to earth and hit them in the face with Ryan Houston.

Houston will have to accomplish that feat alone now that Shaun Draughn is out for the year with a fractured shoulder blade. In fact, the entire North Carolina team will have its hands full, as Miami comes into this game still ranked #12 in the AP poll and fresh off a 52-17 drubbing of Virginia. For the Hoos, it almost looked as bad as when “Cav man” fell off his horse ( and no where near as good as when that same team defeated the Heels in Kenan).

So what’s the good news? Butch Davis is 2-0 against coach Randy Shannon, who, like Davis, is in his third year with his respective school. The two have a bit more history than those two meetings, as both were at Miami during the 1987 national championship season, with Davis coaching the defensive line and Shannon at linebacker. With any luck Davis’ powerful accent is still playing Jedi mind tricks on Shannon.

The game’s main matchup should be Carolina’s secondary against Miami’s passing game. The Heels have shown they can contain a running quarterback like Tyrod Taylor, but Jacory Harris is better with his arm than his feet, and another Florida quarterback exposed some unfortunate weaknesses in Carolina’s coverage.

Sunny weather is also in the forecast, so don’t expect any rain to slow the Hurricanes down like it did against Virginia Tech. There might be one way the Heels can shut this offense down, however: let Bruce Carter get a good lick on skinny Mr. Harris (6’4’’, 190 lbs.) and see how quick he is to get up. Apparently he collapsed during a high school practice, clutching his chest and yelling, “I’m having a heart attack!” The medics calmly responded, “Your heart is on the other side of your chest.” How tough do you expect a player to be when he wears Louis Vuitton scarves?

Pressuring Harris could give Bruce and crew a busy day. Miami has given up 16 sacks in the last four games and had two kicks blocked by Virginia. The numbers bode well for Robert Quinn, who was named ACC Defensive Line of the Week for his performance against Duke. Even if the front seven can only hurry Harris, he has shown that he’s willing to throw balls with a bit too much swagger, often swaggering right into the hands of the other team.

Speaking of swagger, an F-18 flyover will precede Carolina’s final home game of the season, which should be music to the ears of any eight year old boy (depending on how low the jet is, you may want to wear earplugs). This game should be tough for the Heels, but so was the one in Blacksburg.

Stillman's View from the Couch: N.C. Central
11/11/09

9:06 - Jason (sorry, I refuse to call him "Jay") Williams says that Deon has the "eye of a killer." It's hard for me to agree with such a statement about a guy whose primary diet consists of candy.

9:09 - Jason now reports that Roy doesn't care about our ranking right now; he only cares about our ranking at the end of the year. Big scoop, Jason. I'm glad to see that you're not only an analyst; you're also an intrepid journalist who knows how to massage your sources and get that inside information that the rest of us would never be able to figure out.

9:18 - I'm wondering if John Henson gets made fun of a lot because of his bulbous head.

9:25 - That was cool; we just had 17 offensive rebounds on one possession. Granted, that means we missed 16 field goals, but whatever.

9:27 - I hate to turn this into a litany of stupid things said by Jason Williams, but he just compared our rebounding prowess to Gandhi. I couldn't concentrate on his explanation because some guy was shrieking in pain and screaming "I CAN'T LISTEN TO HIM ANYMORE!!!" Then I realized that the shrieking man was me.

9:29 - Zeller just successfully completed the same fast break dunk that culminated in a broken wrist when he tried it against Kentucky last year. (Point of clarification: I'm retiring the name "Tyler" for at least one season, so Zeller will just have to be referred to by surname only. Unless I can come up with a good nickname for him).

9:37 - I like Travis Wear. He's sort of a poor man's David Wear.

9:40 - Central hits a three-pointer to end our 21-0 run, giving Rob Stone the opportunity to proclaim that THEY'RE NOT OUT OF IT YET!!!

9:52 - Halftime interview: Donald Williams. And while they're talking to him, the camera pans over to the other side of the court to show Brian Reese talking to Eric Montross. Awesome. The legends really come out for the Central game. A tradition unlike any other.

10:09 - Blue team wholesale substitutions. Up by 31. Love it.

10:22 - Marcus Ginyard can really be a beast from time to time. He's like the perfect hybrid of Oscar Robertson, Adrian Peterson, and Reggie Jackson. With a little bit of Magic Johnson and Ted Williams sprinkled in.

10:26 - Dave says that he has a friend who sat between the Wear boys on the bus today and reports that it was rather awkward.

10:35 - Sign #72 that your team is in trouble: You've scored 12 points, 80% of the game has already been played, and Rob Stone states that you're "really carrying the load for your team offensively."

10:44 - Perhaps Henson's missed reverse alley oop will go down as the second best missed dunk in Dean Dome history. Let's pay homage to the best one, please.

10:55 - I don't remember seeing Deon or Ed on the floor in the last three or four hours. Did they suit up tonight?

10:59 - Joe Lunardi has us down as a two-seed in the west. This is an outrage. We just won by 47, for crying out loud.

Dave's View from the Couch: Florida International
11/9/09

As Carolina enters its 100th season of basketball, CWC celebrates covering 2% of those seasons.

7:03 - There's a really, really old guy sitting behind "Jay Williams" vigorously picking food out of his teeth. It's as comical as it is repulsive.

7:06 - Deon seems to be a pretty big fan of playing without Tyler Hansbrough.

7:10 - Have you seen this GEICO talking pothole commercial? It's hilarious. And I think the pothole is voiced by Luanne from King of the Hill.

7:17 - Stillman just texted and told me to start a View from the Couch. All the timestamps you just read were done from memory or made up entirely. You may want to disregard them.

7:23 - Now Stillman texts to say he doesn't understand how Deon can continue to lose weight every season. Or how Isiah Thomas can be a failure at so many things.

7:26 - Word of advice to Roy Williams: do not let Ed Davis run the point. Not pretty.

7:28 - This team is tall.

7:30 - Marcus has altered his jumpshot. Notably, he makes it go in now.

7:40 - Zeller just threw up a hookshot out of a triple team. Didn't pan out well.

7:48 - Will Graves dribbles approximately once per every five steps he takes. I'm not sure how he does it.

7:50 - Buzzer beater by Dexter Strickland for the first basket of his career! If not for that, the Heels would only be up 24 at the half!

7:57 - Excuse me while I list all the NCAA Champions in history on Sporcle during halftime.

8:10 - It didn't work, but I'm proud of Larry for attempting to throw an alley-oop.

8:18 - I'm even more proud of Justin Watts for successfully completing an alley-oop to John Henson. First alley-oop we've had since Ed Cota played here.

8:22 - Jay Williams just said the Big Ten is the best conference in America this season. Is that correct?

8:24 - Stillman says that Woody apparently thinks Dexter Strickland and Leslie McDonald are the same person, as he uses their names interchangeably.

8:33 - A lot less offense on this team than last year's team. But I guess we kind of expected that.

8:40 - I know we're up 20, but it sure feels like we're letting the Golden Panthers back in the game.

8:45 - A Marcus Ginyard dunk prompts a text from Stillman proclaiming him his favorite player since Ed Davis way back in 2008-2009. I'm a fan of him myself.

8:52 - Stillman says Isiah is at least as good a coach as Larry Shyatt, but not quite as good as Pete Gaudet. Which makes him, what...Les Robinson?

8:56 - 1-0. And still undefeated in those 1957-style jerseys.

Guest Columnist Chris Vincoli: Previewing the Coaches vs. Cancer Classic
11/8/09

High-tops will return to television this Monday as Carolina resumes its defense of a national championship (ah yes, let’s say it one more time: national championship). The players, however, won't be the only ones sporting stylish kicks, as the 2K Sports Coaches vs. Cancer Classic will again see adults wearing bright white sneakers with suits to raise cancer awareness. This is surely one of college basketball season’s unique sights, but it could be so much better if the coaches went loud with the footwear. Just imagine Roy in all-argyle Air Jordans or Boeheim with literal oranges on his feet.

Absurd shoes aside, there should be some pretty good basketball to watch, as the tournament organizers landed UNC, Syracuse, Cal, and Ohio State for their charitable venture. All four squads rank in the ESPN/USA Today Top 25 poll and all will face off in Madison Square Garden on November 19th and 20th for the tournament championship. Before the finale, though, there are some local games to be played, and UNC will begin its season with a much-discussed contest in the Dean Dome.

FIU – NAME FAIL, SCHEDULE FAIL.

The Monday night matchup against Florida International University would not normally attract much attention, but leave it to a “Bad Boy” to break the mold. FIU has a new basketball coach in Isiah Thomas and the school is already facing NCAA investigation for rebranding him as “Isiah Thompson” without filing the appropriate paperwork. Rather than trying to correct his name, the new coach decided his first order of business would be to back out of the game against UNC.

For reasons passing understanding, he preferred to play Ohio State, which seems like opting to dive into a woodchipper instead of going Ron Burgundy into a den of mountain lions. The factor of death seems like it would be about the same. Regardless, Coach Thomas' best efforts failed and his Golden Panthers will travel to Chapel Hill to receive what should be a significant humbling…that is unless something goes awfully, awfully wrong (looking at you, Syracuse). It's worth noting, though, that FIU has already lost to NAIA Northwood.

NC CENTRAL – NICKNAME WIN!

Carolina will then tune up their roster against NC Central before the marquee games in New York. This will be Central’s third season at the Division I level, and the first under alumnus LeVelle Moton, who as a player earned the clever nickname “Poetry in Moton.” They lost four of their top six scorers from last season, but that probably doesn't count for much considering that team went 4-27.

Being a regional host and a big draw, the Tar Heels are automatically in the championship round in New York while FIU and Central will play a round robin format in Miami. UNC should dominate both of its early games, so hopefully the team will be able to spread minutes and acclimate the freshmen before the trip north.

Whatever the details, how great is it that basketball is back? And who believes in a “championship hangover” anyway?

Guest Columnist Daniel Teachey: Previewing the Blue Devils
11/2/09

When someone gives you this assignment - "Can you write a preview of the Duke-Carolina game?" - your heart skips a beat. This is the big one. Brown vs. Heyman. Montross vs. Laettner. Good vs. Evil.

Of course, then you realize it's just November, and we're talking about football. And most years, you would start this review with lines like, “What can you say about Duke football that hasn’t been said about botulism…”

While the basketball rivalry has led to countless goosebump-inducing moments in the last couple of decades, the competition has been woefully lopsided on the gridiron. Carolina has lost only once since 1990, and even in bad years the Tar Heels almost always walked away with the Victory Bell, if nothing else, at season’s end.

This year? Something feels different. Carolina (5-3, 1-3) saved a wreck of a season with a classic "what the heck?" win in Blacksburg. Duke (5-3, 3-1) rebounded from its standard dreadful start (a loss to Richmond?) to get white-hot during ACC play, trouncing NC State before eeking out tough wins against Maryland and Virginia.

Incredibly, this game means something beyond bragging rights. If Duke can duplicate its early-season success with a 3-1 run to finish the year, they could make the ACC championship. Seriously. Let that sink in.

But in the anything goes ACC, it's hard to distinguish "squarely above average" from "frightfully mediocre." Duke and Carolina are no different. Saturday can add some clarity to the picture as the rivalry game now has bowl game – and, for the most optimistic Duke fans – ACC title game implications.

To compare the teams, we've used only team stats to evaluate how the squads will fare. No experts have been consulted as ACC football defies expertise. Instead, here’s what to look for:

Duke’s high-flying passing offense vs. UNC’s stout defense – You gotta love this matchup. Duke leads the league with 325.1 passing ypg. Thaddeus Lewis is having the best year for a Duke quarterback since Dave Brown. Meanwhile, Duke’s anemic running game will allow Carolina’s athletic defensive ends to pin their ears and chase Lewis all game long. Look for Robert Quinn and the gang to get multiple sacks. Given the Heels' success against Virginia Tech’s Tyrod Taylor (the best quarterback ever to be named after an auto part), we'll go with… ADVANTAGE: North Carolina.
Carolina’s meh offense vs. Duke’s meh defense – You gotta endure this matchup. When the ball changes hands, who knows what will happen. Carolina ranks 11th in the conference in total offense. Heck, even in the more impressive wins against the Hokies and Huskies, the offense sputtered too often. Duke has an average defense that relies on the offense to outscore the competition. Since we don’t know which Carolina O will show up from drive to drive, unbelievably it’s … ADVANTAGE: Duke.
Special teams – Numbers only tell a part of the story here. Carolina has an average return game and a sometimes awful punter. Maybe Casey Barth will use the game-winner in Blacksburg as the launching point for a steadier year. Duke has a less-than-adequate return game, but their kicker, Will Snyderwine (yes, that is his real name), is a solid 11-12 on FGs this season. It's hard to give one team the nod in this one, so it’s… ADVANTAGE: Push.

Statistics aside, it’s hard to see UNC losing this game. The Heels are coming off a great effort against the Hokies, and (believe it or not) it helped to have an extra couple of days to prep for the Blue Devils. Sheer logic and historical precedence lead one to believe that Duke is due for a letdown.

But, as we’ve learned from any ACC game this year, logic and reason have no place on the football field in this conference. You may choose to ignore it, but the rivalry is heating up again. In November. Phenomenal.

Stillman's View from the Couch: Virginia Tech
10/29/09

When Carolina took a 24-6 lead over the Seminoles last week, Dave started bragging about the fact that he was going to be in Blacksburg for this game. Of course, he'd changed his tune by the end of the night, and I really look forward to seeing how his smarminess holds up after enduring the events of tonight.

7:37 - Dave is already raving about the tailgating scene in Blacksburg. You'll have to excuse him; he hasn't made many road trips, so I'd imagine that he's a wide-eyed little boy right now.

7:46 - Jesse Palmer was trying to explain how our defense is built to stop Virginia Tech, but he was drowned out by the cheers of Hokie fans as Ryan Williams scampered for a first down on the first play from scrimmage.

7:47 - Things are happening faster than I can type. Long story short, it's our ball...mainly because Charlie Brown is still a good man.

7:49 - The bad news is that we just got a false start to make it 3rd and 14. The worse news is that Ron Cherry is officiating tonight.

7:50 - T.J. just got drilled. But at least it was a good hit instead of one of his usual sacks where, as friend-of-the-site Bryson says, "somebody ran by and unbuckled his chin strap and he fell down."

8:13 - Dave says that the Lane Stadium scoreboard keeps a running count of total yardage for both teams, which is doing wonders for his confidence.

8:16 - Why oh why can't Ryan Houston get more carries? The Dancing Bear can't be stopped!

8:18 - I love how TV announcers believe that crappy teams should absolutely go for it on fourth down, if it's at all debatable. They ALWAYS say things like, "Well, you're 0-3 in the ACC, you HAVE to go for it right here!" In a related story, we're 0-3 in the ACC, so we went for it (and failed).

8:30 - Ron Cherry has really bulked up this offseason. And by "bulked up," I mean "gained a good bit of weight in the face."

8:34 - Is it bad that Grant Shallock has our biggest hit of the night?

8:48 - Greg Little is really earning his paycheck on this drive alone. Not that he gets an actual paycheck. We don't do that here. Not at Carolina. That's not the Carolina way. We're better than that. We are Carolina. But if you run into him sometime and want to buy him an adult beverage, I'd be willing to look the other way.

8:52 - TOUCHDOWN JHERANIE BOYD!!! Let's just leave right now. This very second. Let's get on the bus and go home. If we stand our ground, maybe they'll just give up and say we won.

9:11 - Just in case it comes to this...how late in the game should I wait before I decide to get excited about us having the lead? Six minutes to play? Three minutes to play? 37 seconds?

9:24 - Let's say you're stranded on a snowy mountain with no survival gear. It's 17 degrees below zero. The only items at your disposal are a cigarette lighter, some duct tape, and two Chick-fil-A sandwiches. How do you survive? Well, I'm not sure how I'd answer that question, but I'm pretty sure that T.J.'s answer would be "throw the ball to Zach Pianalto three yards short of the first down."

9:40 - First of all, how is there not a camera on the goal line whenever it's 4th and goal from the 3-inch line? Secondly, how did Ron Cherry review that play in less than four seconds?

9:51 - TOUCHDOWN GREG LITTLE!!! Nothing Ron Cherry can do about that! Dave from Blacksburg: "This is going to be more painful than last week." Gotta tell ya, I love that kid's spirit. He's a fighter.

10:04 - Bruce is going to be a first round draft pick and gone after this year. You realize that, right?

10:10 - T.J. will still be here next year. Just in case you were wondering. And it's possible that this fact will cause me to go on a tri-state killing spree.

10:14 - And there's another controversial Hokie touchdown that Ron Cherry is going to refuse to legitimately review. I adore him. Simply adore him.

10:25 - I won't lie...I didn't approve of going for it on 4th and 7. In fact, I mumbled something about wishing we had Torbush and Steve Marshall instead of Butch and Shoop. Just kidding about the Torbush thing, but I definitely wasn't in favor of the call.

10:30 - Tie ballgame, ladies. Gird up your loins. Yep, just called you "ladies" and then said to gird up your loins.

10:35 - FUMBLE!!! I hope your loins were girded up when that happened. Could have been ugly if they weren't. Apologies to any of you who don't have loins and are uncomfortable with this entire conversation.

10:41 - Ryan Houston is running like a madman right now.

10:46 - HEELS WIN! HEELS WIN! The Giants win the pennant! Do you believe in miracles...yes!! The band is on the field! Gooooooooooooooaaaaaaaallll! High fly ball to deep left field...she is....GONE...the impossible has happened! Jordan over Ehlo....YES! No flags on the field...it's a miracle...the Titans have pulled a miracle! Insert every other great moment that I can't think of right now!!!

Guest Columnist Fred Appleton: Previewing the Hokies
10/27/09

Upon being given the opportunity to write this column, the first order of business was to contact a Hokie friend and request any pertinent information about Frank Beamer’s Virginia Tech squad. His answer was short, sweet, and to the point:

Frank Beamer’s Playbook

1. Lose to SEC teams on a regular basis – even when leading 21-3 at the half.

This comment was obviously a reference to the 2006 Chick-Fil-Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Peach Bowl, which the Hokies lost 31-24 to the Georgia Bulldogs. It’s hard to feel sorry for that 10-3 Virginia Tech squad when you think back and remember that not only did they beat North Carolina 35-10 that season, but while they were winning 10 regular season games, the Heels were losing 9 of 12.

The most embarrassing thing about that 2006 season for Carolina was that their three wins all came against Division I-AA opponents: Furman, N.C. State, and Duke. When you think about it, that season was actually quite similar to the 1999 season, in which Carolina’s only three victories were against Indiana, N.C. State, and Duke. The major difference being that in 1999 the Heels lost to Furman. At home. 28-3.

2. Stop the run – unless playing Georgia Tech.

To be fair, this has really only been the case for the last two seasons. And honestly, not a lot of teams have shut down Paul Johnson’s triple option (which one could make the case could be run even more effectively in Chapel Hill with Greg Little, Ryan Houston, and Shaun Draughn – but that’s for another column). Odds are our Hokie pal wouldn’t really care that Beamer’s defense couldn’t completely stop the run if they’d managed to beat the Yellow Jackets anyway this year. But they didn’t.

Not to bring up something completely random, but do you remember when a game between Virginia Tech and Georgia Tech was cancelled because Lee Corso’s car was struck by lightning? That’s just a good story.

3. Try to keep the ACC Coastal interesting – do whatever it takes.

This must be a reference to the Hokies winning the Coastal Division in 2008 despite only posting a 5-3 record. Sorry, buddy, but you aren’t allowed to complain about winning the Coastal Division. It just doesn't work that way. Even Carolina basketball made the ACC moderately interesting last season by losing its first two conference games, but you don't hear fans bemoaning that when recounting last year's National Championship season.

The game against the Hokies will mark the second week in a row that the Heels have played on Thursday night. It will be interesting to compare the atmosphere between a Thursday night at Kenan Stadium and a Thursday night at Lane Stadium – though the result of such an assessment is likely to be “no comparison.”

Kickoff will be at 7:30 p.m. If you’re making the trip to Blacksburg and are hesitant to wear your Carolina blue, feel free to sport a festive Halloween costume instead.

A Scholar vs. a Gentleman: Thursday Night Losses
10/26/09

Scholar: I think I speak for scholars all across Tar Heel nation when I say that given the choice between losing 23-0 in Charlottesville on a Thursday night or blowing an 18-point lead and falling 30-27 to Florida State at home on a Thursday night, we'll take losing to the Wahoos every day of the week...and twice on Sundays.

At least when the Heels were getting destroyed by everyone during the Bunting era, it was easy to tell opposing fans that North Carolina was a basketball school and that we as fans had grown accustomed to being a laughingstock on the gridiron. But when you go and do silly things like dominate an entire half yet still manage to lose the game, it makes that defense less plausible. Now it actually looks like the school is trying and failing to succeed in football, which is far more embarrassing than failing due to not trying at all.

Gentleman: With all due respect, that is foolish.

There's a reason that losing 23-0 on a Thursday night in Charlottesville is the kind of thing that gets coaches fired. Sure, in retrospect that loss turned out to be a good thing, because it was the death knell of the John Bunting era. But believe me, that was its only redeeming quality. That entire night was an embarrassment to the university, the town of Chapel Hill, the state of North Carolina, and the color blue.

Let's consider for a moment why Butch Davis fought so hard for a Thursday night game in Chapel Hill. He wanted an opportunity to show the country everything that Carolina has to offer--stadium, town, campus, Hall of Fame alumni, and fans (yes, even the imbecilic ones like yourself). All were on display on national television on Thursday.

For anyone who's looking at the big picture, it's easy to see that all of Butch's long term goals for Thursday night were accomplished. In fact, most of those goals were probably accomplished before people changed the channel in the third quarter after Carolina took a 24-6 lead, meaning that they walked away from the evening with a positive feeling about Carolina.

Would it have been nice to win the game? Of course. But would it have gotten us back into the race for a BCS bowl? Nope. Would it have put us back in a position to make a run at winning the coastal division? Not really. Would winning that game have given us a better chance to win in Blacksburg, in Raleigh, or even at home against Duke? No sir.

Thursday was the kind of loss that hurts for now, but doesn't damage the program over the long haul. If you think most people will remember ANYTHING about Thursday's somewhat run-of-the-mill college football game, you have a very skewed sense of the degree to which people care about your melancholy little life.

Scholar: If you'll allow me to dive a little deeper into your argument, I think you're going to see the inherent fallacy in the previous paragraphs of drivel you just spewed. And then you'll see why it's imprudent for a gentleman to refer to a scholar's statements as foolish. And, for the record, also not very gentlemanly.

In trying and failing (not unlike North Carolina's administration has done at football) to shoot down my argument, you seem to have used the same thesis that you were in the process of shooting down. You cannot on one hand say that no one is going to remember the fact that the Heels blew an 18-point lead and choked on national television, while on the other hand say that everyone is going to remember the stadium, town, campus, Hall of Fame alumni, and fans. It makes no sense.

When's the last time you stood around the (Carolina) water cooler at your office and said "Wow, how about that Town of Gainesville, eh? They put on quite a display last night on ESPN, did they not?" I'll tell you when the last time you did that was: never. Because when someone says, "Did you catch the game last night?" the answer is normally something like "No, who won?" and not "No, how was the campus?"

The people that you say won't remember Thursday night's game are the people who are looking at the current ACC standings right now and saying, "Wow, North Carolina is two games behind Duke in the ACC despite Butch Davis being the head coach? How embarrassing."

But it's good to know that now that we've improved to 0-3 in the ACC, "all of Butch's long term goals" have been accomplished.

Gentleman: It saddens me that, as a scholar, you’re still such a simple-minded man. Complexity is lost on you.

No one needs to remember the specific bits of the "commercial" that they saw on Thursday night. It’s only necessary that they walk away with a favorable impression of Carolina, no matter how subconscious that impression might be.

It’s no different from a well-conceived advertising campaign. Let’s hearken back to the 1970s, when a little fast food chain called McDonald’s had a fierce competitor in their industry—A&W Restaurants. When the recession hit in the ‘70s, A&W decided not to spend any of their precious dollars on marketing while McDonald’s increased their marketing budget. Within just a year or two McDonald’s had effectively doubled their market share and buried A&W.

Does anybody remember the specific commercials that McDonald’s ran during the ‘70s? Of course not. Heck, does anybody remember the specific commercials that McDonald’s ran last week? Probably not. But it doesn’t matter. Lots of people eat at McDonald’s and nobody eats at A&W.

If A&W had a chance to do it all over again, I guarantee you they’d host a few games on a Thursday night. People might not remember anything about the games, but they'd probably still be eating at A&W.

What Bobby Bowden Wanted to Say
10/23/09

What Bobby Bowden actually said.
What Bobby Bowden wanted to say.

Opening Comments:
I told the coaches and I also told the players at the half that's the worst half of football I can ever remember. Clearly I'm looking at this from a Seminole point of view - I'm well aware that Carolina fans can toss out six or seven worse halves solely in games played against Florida State (for instance, the second half of this game). I've been coaching 55 years. Or is it 155? I can never remember. I couldn't believe how we could play so bad. Briefly, I understood what is must be like to pull for North Carolina. Mistakes, penalties and fumbles, that was the two biggest things, but really it was worse. Yup, I said it was worse than the two biggest things. I told the coaches it was our fault as much as it was the players. Because of that comment, Jimbo suggested that I retire...heh heh...always the jokester. But then they came back out in the second half, and then started off with a stinking penalty right there on the kickoff, but then they settled down and played like they are capable of playing. Sorry, got confused with how many times you're supposed to say "but" in a sentence there. It's like I've said in the past, it's no different: you have to win the close games to have a good year. That's why we're having a bad year.

On the third quarter interception followed by a 98-yard touchdown pass:
There's no doubt where it (the game) turned, is it? Well, I guess you could debate whether it technically turned on the interception or the actual touchdown. You know, we've had that happen to us this year. What's the protocol on seeking pity after an 18-point come-from-behind victory? The game we lost to South Florida and to Boston College, we had first-and-three on the three, and they went 97 for a touchdown twice and (we) lost the game. Telling this story does elicit pity, does it not? That's a killer; it is a killer. But don't worry, it didn't kill me - I'm still alive!

On the openings in the Carolina secondary Florida State was able to exploit:
I tell you, you'd have to give the credit to our offensive coordinator (Jimbo Fisher) who was calling all the darn plays. Ever since they told that guy he's going to be taking over for me when I'm gone he won't relenquish his dadgum headset long enough for me to overrule his decisions. That last touchdown he hit on them, how do you know to call that? That's certainly not what I would have done. Except he knew how they was going to respond. I guess most Carolina fans did, too, but that's neither here nor there. I wish I could claim it. It might would save my job. But I can't. So it won't.

Five Questions about the Seminoles
10/21/09

After some intense debating here at Carolina Water Cooler, we've decided that it's entirely possible that the fans of other teams might know more about their own squad than we know about their squad. So we sought out Rich from ChantRant.com and asked him if he'd answer five questions about the Seminoles.

His initial financial demands for this service were more than our budget would allow, but after some cajoling, we were able to convince him to answer five of Stillman's questions about Florida State if Stillman would answer five of his questions about Carolina.

Stillman: Is there any chance that Bobby sticks around but fires Mickey Andrews? It seems that if you were going to say “the game has passed him by” about anyone on the FSU staff, it would be Mickey. But my guess is that Bobby is obscenely loyal to him. Am I wrong?

Rich: Bobby is loyal to a fault -- especially to Mickey and Chuck Amato. Word is that Mickey stayed on the staff, despite the tragic death of his son in 2007, only because Bobby twisted his arm. But unless Mickey has a huge change of mind, this will be his final year.

The emerging scenario is that Bobby will stay through 2010, but cedes control of the team to head-coach-in-waiting, Jimbo Fisher. And that includes hiring Mickey's replacement, as well as cleaning house on the defensive side of the staff.

Stillman: Why is this team so inconsistent? And on both sides of the ball? Give a really good Miami team all they can handle, then almost lose to Jacksonville flippin’ State. Pound BYU at their place, then lose to South Florida. Help me understand.

Rich: That's the $64,000 question. But that bug of inconsistency seems to have bitten most of the ACC this year, with the possible exception of Virginia Tech. How does Maryland lose to Middle Tennessee but upset Clemson? N.C. State beats Pittsburgh, then gets embarrassed by Duke and B.C. I guess the Seminoles are just going along with the schizophrenia.

Stillman: Talk about Chuck Amato for a while. We miss having him around up here.

Rich: Well, you may soon see Chuck back on Tobacco Road--even if it's just opening an Italian Restaurant. If Jimbo Fisher has the authority to hire a new defensive staff, word is that Chuck is out the door. I've heard from more than one inside source that the two don't get along -- in fact, are often at odds.

One big reason is because Bobby gave Chuck the title of Executive Head Coach; probably because he's so loyal to his paisan, and to show respect for, and cushion the fall of, a guy who had just been fired as an ACC head coach. Chuck has apparently used the title to be disruptive, especially with Jimbo Fisher. Many believe Amato felt that he should've been considered as Bowden's heir apparent, given his many years in the program.

Stillman: How do Seminole fans feel about Christian Ponder? He shows flashes of having the potential to easily be the best quarterback in the ACC, but something seems to be missing. Not sure if it’s the talent around him, or if he’s missing something between the ears.

Rich: Ponder is the brightest spot in a disappointing (so far) season. Already a talented runner, Ponder used the off-season to become a much improved passer--especially his judgment in knowing when to hit a receiver and when to throw it away. And it's paid dividends.

Ponder is sixth in the nation in Total Offense, 8th in passing, and 7th in total passing yards.

He also has some impressive numbers off the field -- his grades. Ponder graduated Magna Cum Laude with a degree in Finance in less than three years of undergrad school and will get his MBA next year.

Stillman: The ’97 game in Kenan Stadium is arguably the biggest game in Carolina’s football history, and is probably talked about more than any other loss (Virginia in ’96 being the possible exception). Do Florida State fans even remember that game or was it just another day at the office?

Rich: Sure do. Many of us were surprised it wasn't a closer game. And it was a big deal in part because UNC was coached at the time by FSU grad Mack Brown. It appears now that sooner or later, Butch Davis will surpass Mack's record in Chapel Hill.

Guest Columnist Brian Ernst : Previewing the Seminoles
10/18/09

How happy is ESPN to have this matchup on a Thursday night? Somewhere between “moderately disappointed” and “frantically reviewing network contracts?" One thing’s for sure: this game looked a lot better prior to the season than it does right now. But don’t let that fool you, as this game could well be a make-or-break event for this vulnerable Tar Heel squad.

The mere fact that there will be a Thursday night home game shows just how far this program has come since Butch Davis came aboard to right the ship. It seems the entire town of Chapel Hill will be shutting down early to prepare for this contest – that squawking sound you hear is William Friday bemoaning the decline of academia – and Kenan Stadium will be rocking. The atmosphere will be electric, the students will be loud, and sobriety will seem like a bad memory. So why is this game not even sold out at the time of this writing?

It all has to do with the product on the field. Florida State, the traditional power, limps into the game with a paltry 2-4 overall record (0-3 in conference). Head coach Bobby Bowden, once one of the biggest names in college football, is in a tight race with Carolina Offensive Coordinator John Shoop to see who can be fired first. Bowden is actually using the “age discrimination” defense at this point, even though the guy beating him in the all-time wins race – Joe Paterno at Penn State – has to be dug out of the ground and drained of embalming fluid before every game.

The Seminole defense is atrocious, surrendering nearly 30 points a game. That unit is led, in part, by linebackers coach Chuck Amato, former head coach of NC State, and a well-known figure at Golden Corral restaurants around the Triangle. Needless to say, the aura of invincibility that the program once had within the conference has been shattered, possibly forever.

North Carolina (4-2, 0-2), on the other hand, is seen as a rising power that has a hit quite a few roadbumps this year. Carolina is loaded with playmakers… unfortunately, those on the offensive side of the ball have been making plays for the other team. The team still struggles with driving the ball against quality defenses, and it feels like the Heels' offense hasn’t had a big play on the ground since the Carter administration.

On the bright side, the decimated offensive line – emphasis on ‘offensive’ – got a boost last Saturday with the return of Jonathan Cooper, and the benefits to the rushing game were immediate. Ryan Houston had a career day with three touchdowns, and Shaun Draughn actually hit the holes instead of doing the “Roger Rabbit” before getting tackled for a loss.

Against Georgia Southern, Carolina ’s defense proved once again why it is one of the elite units in the country, forcing six turnovers, scoring two touchdowns, and setting up two more scores for the offense. North Carolina has been especially stingy versus the pass, which makes for an interesting matchup against FSU’s pass-happy offense.

In sum, North Carolina will be fighting for respectability, but Florida State will be fighting for their legendary coach’s life, their program’s illustrious history, and their university’s unrivaled tradition of academic violations. Given that FSU is having one of its worst seasons in recent memory, the players may well have stopped caring about those goals already.

No Carolina fan can look forward to a primetime matchup against the Seminoles without thinking of the infamous 1997 loss, which in all likelihood cost the Heels a chance to play in a BCS bowl. There have been a few positive moments in this series to be sure – who can forget the 41-9 blowout in 2001 that, in retrospect, may have precipitated the Seminoles’ downfall? But those scarce happy recollections are far outnumbered by those in the category of the 2003 mauling in which FSU’s Greg Jones laid the mother of all stiffarms on Dexter Reid, sending the Tar Heel safety flying five yards downfield while his helmet popped off like a champagne cork.

Here’s hoping the Tar Heels can return some of that viciousness when the Seminoles come into town on Thursday night.

Dave: Speechless
10/11/09

This article almost didn't happen. When Saturday's halftime show came to a close, the boys from Carolina Water Cooler sat beside one another in complete silence. In fact, the majority of Kenan Stadium seemed to be speechless. And, in case you've never tried, it's incredibly difficult to write anything when you're without speech.

If you couldn't make it to the Georgia Southern game (and based on the amount of aluminum showing on Saturday, we're guessing most of you couldn't), you missed the most...the most...even after sleeping on it, I'm still not sure what adjective(s) to put here...halftime show of all time.

A written account of the event will hardly do it justice, but just try to envision the following:

Things started out as they normally do. Time wound down in the first half, and the band lined up to take the field. Immediately, Kristin questioned why some of the band members were carrying what appeared to be orange five-gallon buckets, while others had large (50-ish gallon) gray trash barrels.

After the football players had cleared off the field, the band marched out as the P.A. announcer announced the first song they'd be playing was "Beat It" (just when you thought Michael Jackson's death had been laid to rest). As they began playing, the individuals who carried out the large trash cans placed them behind the tuba players. The way they did so - almost secretively - it appeared that they were trying to sabotage the performance, because you half expected the tuba players to not know the cans were there, take a step backward, and trip over them. That would have been hilarious, but probably no more entertaining than what actually happened.

In mid-song , the tuba players put down their tubas and began banging on the trash cans. The people that had carried out the five gallon buckets started beating on those. From seemingly out of nowhere, some of the other band members whipped out gallon sized paint cans and started to play those. Still others began banging on trash can lids. Before you knew it, it was an entire drum line of odd instruments - not to mention the actual percussion section itself.

The whole scene was a bit on the weird side, but at that point, they had pretty much fooled you into thinking the surprises were over, and you expected them to return to their regular instruments. Not the case. Oh no. The P.A. announcer came back on to give a brief history of drums and the beating of things in general, and ended his lesson by stating, "you might say it's so easy a caveman could do it." The reference, which might have been comical six years ago, drew groans and eye rolls from the crowd. But then the jumbotron zoomed in on one of the bass drummers - who just happened to be a caveman.

Before you really even had time to think about how odd it was to be making that GEICO reference, they introduced the Carolina Blue Man Group. These four individuals, painted blue from head to toe, did some entertaining speed drumming on oil drums.

Just when you thought things couldn't get any more strange, the Energizer Bunny came strolling out on the field, banging away on his bass. At this point, a couple of comments were made in our section. The first was that the show was train wreck quality - you wanted to look away, but you just couldn't. The second was that the conglomeration of people on the field was something you'd expect to see in a psychedelic dream whilst tripped out on acid.

The P.A. announcer interrupted these thoughts to voice his belief that what the show really needed was more cowbell. With that, a Will Ferrell look-a-like appeared on the field banging away on a cowbell.

It was at this point that everyone in the stadium simultaneously went silent. Jaws dropped sporadically throughout the performance, but the silence hit pretty much all at once. At that exact moment if you were sitting on the home side of the field anod looked out between the 45 yard lines, from left to right, you saw a caveman banging a drum, the Energizer Bunny, the Blue Man Group, and Will Ferrell banging a cowbell. Name a more random group of people to see at a Carolina football game.

Throughout this entire production, the band had been playing (and playing well) "Beat It" and "Bang the Drum All Day," and possibly other songs we were to entranced to even notice. For the next few minutes, they continued to play their drums, with everyone in the crowd bobbing their heads and drumming along with the beat. At the conclusion of the show, all 15,000 fans at Kenan gave a standing ovation for the performance.

Like we said, the written version in no way does justice to what you would have actually seen had you been there, but we simply couldn't let Jeffrey Fuchs and the Marching Tar Heels fail to be recognized by Carolina Water Cooler for their phenomenal show. It rendered the fans at Kenan speechless and the Carolina offense impotent throughout the entire second half.

Here's hoping next week they don't return to their less exciting "Latin Jazz" or "Earth, Wind, and Fire" renditions.

Guest Columnist Chris Vincoli Preview: Georgia Southern
10/4/09

Over the next few weeks (beginning with this very column), Carolina Water Cooler will be posting articles written by special guest columnists. One of them may be lucky enough to move from guest columnist to permanent fixture, so you may want to give us your feedback if you have strong feelings about any of them...

A time like this calls for honesty. There are a hundred good reasons to be disheartened about Carolina football right now. The Heels have lost two in a row on their way out of the top 25, Kyle Jolly may be the most recent addition to a growing list of injuries, Kenan Stadium has been covered in a depressing drizzle for most of the week, and even Duke (DUKE!) played close against Virginia Tech. Despite all of this, there may be one reason to hold out hope: Georgia Southern.

The Eagles kick off Carolina’s easiest two-week stretch of the year at a time when they need it most. A victory on Saturday followed by a bye week could rejuvenate the young season, providing momentum and, more importantly, time to heal. The best part? Georgia Southern is I-AA, or whatever they’re calling it now. Think of it as a second preseason.

Third-year head coach Chris Hatcher has steered his squad to underwhelming 5th place Southern Conference finishes the past two years. Last year the Eagles needed 3 overtimes to put away the Citadel, so the Heels should be in good shape if their 40-6 victory in the season opener is any indication.

One should, of course, not overlook a team just because they come from the SoCon (looking at you, Lloyd Carr). What’s more, Coach Hatcher comes from the coaching tree of Hal Mumme, which gave rise to the fearsome Captain Leach and his band of scalawags, as well as to Kevin Sumlin and his once (and future?) ranked Houston Cougars. All run versions of the pass-happy “Air Raid” offense, and Georgia Southern has self-proclaimed theirs the “Hatch Attack.” (That name really is in the coach’s bio.) Some people think the Eagles still run the triple-option of Paul Johnson (hence Butch Davis’ scheduling them), but Hatcher cut that diet of chop blocking when he arrived in 2007.

By the numbers, the Eagles have put up roughly 300 yards per game and 20 points per game en route to a 3-2 record, while the Tar Heel defense has allowed just over 250 yards per game and 14 points per game in their 3-2 season. Even though Georgia Southern should have access to Florida talent, UNC’s defense should have the edge in speed and size. TJ Yates and the running game look like they’ll get ample opportunities to move the ball, without needing to put up big numbers in order to win. Ideally the Georgia Southern defense won’t put up much of a roadblock, since they’re allowing over 320 yards per game against powerhouses like Wofford and South Dakota State…

So here’s to hoping the Heels can have their cupcake at eat it, too. And, if you’re still down on the Heels, just remember Groh’s Law.

This Weekend in Football...In Quotes
10/4/09

If you can't laugh, you'll just cry all day...

"Listen, I wish I was Oral Roberts, but I'm not." - Butch Davis on what to do about all of the injuries on the offensive line

"Does Georgia Southern still run Paul Johnson's offense? That could be a big reason for concern." - A sports writer that we all know and love

"I'm not trying to play the blame game, but the offense has to help us out at least a little bit." - Future All-American defensive end and first round draft pick Robert Quinn

"The thing about cute...when you run a cute offense that you have to be technical that you have to be so precise that it takes the neanderthal part out of it." - Raycom's Doc Walker, courtesy of friend-of-the-site Bryson

"You had enough movement on that than an electric piano." - Doc Walker again

"You know, you don't have to out-cute people, if you can be brutalize." - Yep. Doc Walker.

"As we mentioned at the beginning of the broadcast, the players are wearing pink today for Breast Awareness Sunday." - Chris Berman leaving out an important word as he promotes the NFL's Breast Cancer Awareness Sunday

Stillman's View from the Couch: Georgia Tech
9/26/09

Well, it's my first Raycom experience of the season. Here's to another year of terrific camera angles, cutting edge technology, and the most talented broadcasters this side of Walter Kronkite!

12:03 - I like how Butch is always wearing a visor, but somehow still feels the need to squint.

12:08 - Hard to believe that Robert Quinn only has three sacks on the season. Speaking of Robert Quinn, did you know that he had a brain tumor?

12:13 - Good punt from Shallock. First time I've ever said those words. 'Twas refreshing.

12:16 - And there's the first potentially dangerous chop block of the day as the GT lineman did his best to tear both of E.J. Wilson's ACLs.

12:19 - Wow, congrats to O'Reilly Auto Parts for acquiring the least subtle sponsorship imaginable with their "O'Reilly Red Zone Meter."

12:20 - Touchdown Yellow Jackets. On the plus side, we've already given up our quota of yardage for the first half, so that should be their only scoring for a while.

12:31 - Jackets are trying to run out the clock and preserve this victory. Not sure if they realize that it's the first quarter.

12:40 - Really not a good sign when T.J. is getting tackled before he even finishes his three-step drop.

12:49 - Remember in '04 when we rolled up to Charlottesville and gave up something like eight yards per carry? That's what this looks like so far.

12:55 - ~~WOW! ERIK HIGHSMITH! PLAY OF THE SEASON!~~ Dang, Erik Highsmith almost with the play of the season.

1:05 - I enjoy watching the commercial with the ACC football coaches telling us about the importance of sportsmanship, because it's really impressive that so many men can all be such bad actors. It really could be a 12-way tie for the highest level of ineptitude.

1:10 - Speaking of sportsmanship, I just said some unsportsmanlike words as the ball was snapped past T.J.'s face while he stared at the sideline. Not sure whose fault that was, but it sure would have been nice if T.J. had gotten on top of the ball instead of pretending like it was a grenade and allowing Tech to recover.

1:12 - 10-0 Tech after the turnover turns into a field goal. Seriously T.J., grow a pair.

1:15 - Highsmith! For real this time! Not a great throw, but he went down and got it.

1:19 - For a while, I was thinking how glad I was that this is T.J.'s last time playing in Atlanta, because he's fairly putrid while playing in his hometown. But then they reminded me of the LSU game next year. Any chance we could work out a deal to play that game in Baton Rouge instead?

1:20 - And Casey misses the field goal. Of course. White people are killing this team.

1:28 - Paul Johnson is none too pleased with the officiating crew as he heads to the locker room at haltime. I'm equally angry, but it has nothing to do with the refs.

1:49 - Second half underway. And apparently I've thrown my cell phone across the room one too many times. It now goes into an epileptic fit of flashing and flickering every time I try to use it.

1:58 - I guess Georgia Tech is just going to go for it on every fourth down. And until we stop it, I guess I don't have a good argument against that plan.

2:05 - Two plays in a row where Kendric Burney has drilled the ball carrier and then helped him up. He's really taking that sportsmanship commercial seriously.

2:15 - Searcy calling for a fair catch at our own 36 is, so far, our best offensive play of the game.

2:17 - And there's a pick. Actually wasn't T.J.'s fault as I think Highsmith pulled up early, but I'm going to continue hating T.J. if you don't mind. Thanks.

2:25 - 17-0. This is the kind of game where the defense could really start hating the offense for not holding up their end of the bargain. It's also the kind of game where I could really start hating the game of football.

2:31 - Well that was both unexpected and pleasant. Touchdown Erik Highsmith. Too little. Too late.

2:56 - Sorry, kinda forgot about the fact that I'm supposed to be typing over here. But I really have nothing to say. Other than recommending that all of our white players be replaced immediately. Except maybe Alan Pelc. And I might consider benching him just because of guilt by association.

Previewing the Yellow Jackets
9/23/09

Many have proclaimed that the 2009 edition of Carolina's defense is the best that the Heels have put on the field since 1997. That's good, because that year also marks the last time that Carolina won a game against Georgia Tech in Atlanta.

Georgia Tech enters Saturday's contest with two wins to their credit--although one victory is admittedly more impressive than the other. A ho-hum win (that was nearly a loss) over Clemson pales in comparison to the 20-point shellacking of Jacksonville State, a team that nearly beat Florida State. The Yellow Jackets' loss to Miami doesn't even count against them because, as anyone in the national media will quickly inform you, no team should even be forced to play the mighty Hurricanes. They have swagger, after all.

Georgia Tech head coach Paul Johnson will, of course, try to run past Carolina with his electrifying triple-option offense, a scheme that political commentator Glenn Beck has referred to as "a little too conservative for my taste."

Fortunately for the Heels, their tremendous depth on the defensive line will aid them in attempting to stop Johnson's offense. That depth will be important, not because defending the triple option is especially tiresome, but because it's likely that at least three Carolina players will suffer career-ending knee injuries as a result of Johnson's chop-blocking (some would label it "cheating") style of offensive line play.

An interesting fact about Johnson came to light this week. It seems that the Jackets' skipper, who grew up in the mountains of North Carolina, was raised as a fan of Tennessee football and N.C. State basketball. Wow. Nauseating. And while that probably speaks strongly enough about his character (or lack thereof), it's also interesting to note that he lists the following people as his heroes: Caligula, The Joker (the Heath Ledger version, not Jack Nicholson), and those kids who never let the rabbit eat Trix (after all these years, you'd think they could show a little mercy just one time).

The game will kickoff at noon on Saturday, so if you were planning to watch Minnesota at Northwestern, you're out of luck.

What Skip Holtz Wanted to Say
9/19/09

What Skip Holtz said after Saturday's loss to Carolina
What Skip Holtz wanted to say after Saturday's loss to Carolina

We came in here with the expectation to not only be able to compete but to come in and win. Of course, when most of our fans were in high school, they had the intention of not only applying to Carolina but also being admitted. So at least we've been down this disappointing road before. There is no moral victory to come out of here and say it was close. Good thing that it wasn't really very close so it won't be a temptation for anybody. It is a very down locker room right now but I give North Carolina an awful lot of credit. Credit specifically goes to Deunta Williams who said that somebody was going to have their feelings hurt after this game. I guess he knows what he's talking about.

In the second half it was hard for us to get a stop. Because, as you've probably heard by now, our offseason conditioning program consists of eating Fruit Loops and playing on the Slip 'n Slide.We are just going to have to turn and regroup, bring it back together and get ready for conference play. Fortunately for us, we play in Conference USA, so "getting ready for conference play" means that the hard part of our season is almost over. But let's be honest...do you really think I'm going to have a truly competitive program here in Greenville? In Greenville? I mean, if you took everything east of I-95 and made it into a completely new state, it would probably be ranked 51st in just about every category. Worse than Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia. Maybe worse than Puerto Rico. And that's where I'm supposed to build a successful football program??? I'm sorry, I just needed to vent.

On the Carolina Defense

I said going into this that I think from a defensive standpoint, the gaudy numbers they put up in the first two weeks, they are going to lead the country if they continue with those numbers. Hard to believe I'm saying that about a team that was coached by John Bunting just a few short years ago. I think Quinn is better than he was on film. Or maybe my assistant coaches just aren't any good at grading film. I think he is a pro right now, I know he is only sophomore, but he can run, there are a couple times we tried to put a blocking scheme in and put a block down on him and he just shot the gap. And I'm thinking that if I campaign hard enough for him to go the NFL, maybe I'll only have to play against him one more time instead of twice.

Dave: Previewing the Pirates
9/17/09

Long time readers of the site will recall that last year around this time, Dave wrote a "fill in the blank preview" prior to the UConn game so that he could have it completed prior to leaving for Disney World. Unbelievably, Dave is returning to Walt's theme park next week. In preparation for the trip, he recently watched Peter Pan. Given the pirate presence in that movie, an ECU twist on the classic seems appropriate...

Lost Boys

In the movie Peter Pan, the Lost Boys were a group of young boys who - to put it in modern day terms - were Peter Pan's entourage. For reasons never really explained in the movie, these kids wore animal costumes at all times.

While they don't dress like various animals, North Carolina will have its own group of "lost (to injury) boys" when they take on ECU this weekend. The group includes starting tight end Zack Pianalto, who injured himself last week against UConn during a post-touchdown celebration; wide receiver Dwight Jones, who is yet to play this season; and multiple offensive linemen, including starting center Lowell Dyer, who was injured prior to the Connecticut game during a practice. Not a game. Not a game. Not a game. We talkin' about practice.

Peter Pan

Peter Pan, as you might expect, is the star of the movie Peter Pan. He's what a lot of those fancy schmancy educated people might call the protagonist. In a nutshell, he lives in a place called Never Land where he never ages and just plays around all day. There are villains and whatnot that give the movie a plot, but Peter Pan himself can be simply and accurately described as the boy that won't grow up.

That's also a good description for another individual with the initials P.P. - Patrick Pinkney. Pinkney is the quarterback for East Carolina and is now working on his sixth season of eligibility. We're yet to figure out why Pinkney was granted a sixth season to play collegiate athletics while Bobby Frasor couldn't even get a fifth, but as long as he doesn't throw for 406 yards against the Heels again this year (as he did in 2007), we'll try not to be too upset about it.

Tinker Bell

In Peter Pan, there's a little fairy named Tinker Bell that flurries around for much of the movie. She spends a lot of her screen time being jealous of Peter's interest in a girl named Wendy. In a sport like football, it's pretty difficult to make an analogy relating to a fairy, but after much research, we've come up with one...

ECU red-shirt sophomore Antonio Allison's nickname is actually Tinker Bell, implying that he plays as soft as a fairy. This nickname was given to him just now by Carolina Water Cooler. Why, you may ask? Because he attended West Iredell High School, that's why. Sorry buddy, if you'd gone to Dave's alma mater, Statesville High, you wouldn't be having this insult hurled at you right now...school pride and all.

Captain Hook
Captain Hook is what those intellectual people referenced above would call the movie's antagonist. Together with the ship full of pirates he captains, Hook spends the entire Peter Pan movie attempting to exact revenge upon Peter Pan for cutting his hand off in a battle which took place before the movie began.

Though not missing a hand, ECU head coach Skip Holtz does command a group of Pirates, many (if not all) of whom are committed to making the University of North Carolina's athletic department pay for not offering them a scholarship. Or to making the admissions department pay for not admitting them. Or both.

So, there you have it. A preview of the East Carolina Pirates completely worthy of Walt Disney's stamp of approval - though unlikely to be published on ESPN. Don't forget, Saturday is International Talk Like a Pirate Day - so on your way in to Kenan Stadium be sure to tell all the ECU fans that they should prepare to "walk the plank, matey."

Dave's View from the Couch: Connecticut
9/12/09

Stillman put in a request for Paid Time Off from his viewing responsibility this week. Being a fantastic boss (and, make no mistake, Dave is Stillman's boss), Dave agreed to grant the "time off" portion of that request, but not the "paid" aspect. Don't feel bad for him - he doesn't get paid when he actually writes a View, either.

11:54 - I can't imagine if this game was scheduled for a 3:30 or even later kickoff. I've already been awake for 38 hours waiting for the game to start.

12:06 - Three and out on our first series. I guess that's one way to curb my enthusiasm.

12:08 - Charlie Brown nearly tricked everyone into thinking he'd scored a touchdown after picking up an incomplete backward lateral. After review, officials ruled he'd actually picked up an incomplete forward lateral. No points were awarded. Had to see that coming after not having a single review go against us last week.

12:20 - A.J. Blue comes in and we set up in the "wildcat formation." Between A.J. and Michael Vick, I'm already pretty tired of hearing that term this season.

12:36 - Charlie Brown single handedly ends UConn's first sustained drive by forcing and then recovering a fumble.

12:39 - Things are getting a little chippy out there. Makes sense, given the bitter rivalry between these two schools.

12:45 - ESPNU just interviewed people on Franklin Street asking them why the Heels have a better basketball tradition than the Huskies. Answers ranged from "because we're better" to "because they're worse." Stillman says he actually thought UConn had the better program until one girl brought up their ugly uniforms.

12:53 - Charlie Brown singlehandedly ends UConn's second sustained drive with an interception.

1:00 - Offensive slugfest going on here. Tied at 0 with 7:36 to go in the half.

1:09 - UConn plays the first few notes of "Welcome to the Jungle" two or three times per defensive possession.

1:16 - Three seconds to go in the first half, and UConn is lining up for a 47 yard kick. Here's hoping their kick bounces in the end zone just like Barth's did earlier today.

1:18 - It didn't bounce in the end zone. In fact, it probably would have been good from 57. 3-0 Huskies at the half.

1:50 - Apparently Stillman is getting frustrated, as he just texted to demand that T.J. give Jason Capel his (concrete-filled) shoes back.

1:58 - Hurray! A first down!

2:09 - The benefit of UConn's no huddle offense is that it really speeds up the game, which is exactly what you want when you're watching a game as painful as this one.

2:20 - I don't want to jinx it, but now that we're down 10-0, we're finally picking up yards.

2:28 - Well, we made it down to the 5 before the drive stalled. Luckily, that's just within Barth's range. 10-3.

2:46 - Oh good...we're playing musical tailback again this season. Ryan Houston appears to be securing a starting spot next week here in the fourth quarter.

2:54 - In the words of Stillman: "PLAY US A SONG, YOU'RE THE PIANO MAN!" Pianalto scores a touchdown, but proceeds to injure himself during the celebration. Looks like a twisted ankle, but based on how long he's been laying on the field, it could also be something that requires amputation.

3:01 - WOW! Holding in the end zone on UConn results in a safety, and the Heels take a 12-10 lead! WOW!

3:04 - Unreal. UConn recovers the onside kick.

3:08 - Sacked 'em on 4th and 4!!! Ball game!

Dave: Previewing the Huskies
9/10/09

Six NCAA Championships. Seventeen Big East regular season championships. Nine first round draft picks. Twenty first team All-America selections. Sound impressive? Those are just a few of the accolades the University of Connecticut holds. They’re all women’s basketball accolades, but they’re accolades nonetheless.

The UConn football team is slightly less distinguished. Actually, the UConn football team is extremely less distinguished. ..we were just trying to be polite. To be fair, the Huskies haven’t had a long time to create a storied history – they just joined the FBS subdivision (formerly, and to be honest, still known as Division I-A) in 1999.

Since moving up from Division I-AA, Connecticut has gone from an Independent to a member of the Big East. It’s unclear why they decided to move up to join Division I-A and then down to the Big East, but it likely had something to do with assuming they would have a better record if they joined a crappy conference. It seemed to work, because since joining the Big East they’ve tied for a conference championship (with West Virginia) and made it to three bowl games.

One of those bowl games was the 2009 International Bowl, played in Toronto, Canada. Despite only passing for 49 yards (they didn’t need to throw much with 358 yards on the ground), the Huskies easily defeated the Buffalo Bills in the game. Whoops, little bit of a typo there. That should read Buffalo Bulls. Slightly - but only slightly - less impressive.

The Huskies are coached by Randy Edsall. Though Randy isn’t all that well known in ACC country, his older brother Duke is quite recognized. Little known Duke Edsall fact: he planned to play basketball at York (Pa.) College but ran into a goal post while running a pass pattern for Randy and hurt his knee. Due to the injury, he wasn’t in shape for basketball tryouts, so he decided to referee intramural sports instead. The rest is history. True story. (And yes, the ACC allows a man who can’t even see a goalpost referee NCAA basketball games.)

While Randy Edsall isn’t exactly a household name, in 1964 and 1965 Connecticut had the now well known Lou Holtz roaming the sidelines as an assistant. Everyone’s heard of the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game, correct? We’re convinced every coach and/or University can be connected to Lou Holtz in about two degrees. For instance, if you wanted to connect Lou Holtz to Skip Holtz, you’d just say “Skip was once the head coach at UConn, where Lou was once an assistant coach.” Of course, you could also just connect those two using DNA.

As far as UConn’s 2009 football team is concerned, they enter Saturday’s game 1-0, fresh off a seven point victory over the mighty Ohio Bobcats. (Remember when the Heels beat Ohio 62-0 back in 1995? Good times.) With a strong performance like that in their first game, Butch Davis can only hope that the Huskies will be looking past Carolina this weekend to their big showdown with the Wake Forest-slaying Baylor Bears.

If for some horrible reason you happen to be up in Yankee territory this weekend, see if you can score some tickets to the game. We’ve never heard anyone say they regretted making the trip to East Hartford. Yes, the Huskies’ basketball team plays in Storrs. No, we don’t know why the two sports play in different cities. If you can't make it up there, just tune your television set to ESPNU at noon.

Random Thoughts from Kenan Stadium: The Citadel
9/6/09

If you didn't make it to Kenan Stadium on Saturday night, these are the kinds of thoughts you missed out on having for yourself. If you were there, we'll just assume that all of this crossed your mind too.

- So the Citadel evidently decided that it would be cute to copy our color scheme. Blue helmets, white jerseys with Carolina blue letters, and navy pants. Just like the uniforms that we wore at Rutgers last year. Here's a scary thought--can you imagine what it would have been like if Joe Dailey had been playing quarterback for us on Saturday night? He couldn't even distinguish between a red jersey and a blue jersey, so one would have to assume that playing the Citadel would have been a nightmare for him. And us.

- The first video review of the season was needed to determine whether or not the Citadel quarterback had indeed fumbled, or if his arm was coming forward, making it an incomplete pass. The ruling was a fumble, giving the Heels the ball on the Citadal 25 yard line. But how would our lives have been different if Ron Cherry had been the official for Saturday's game? Probably would have gone something like this..."After review, the ruling on the field has been overturned. The quarterback's arm was coming forward, therefore it was an incomplete pass. However, after review, it has also been determined that before the pass left the quarterback's hand, it crossed the plane of the goal line, despite the fact that the end zone was 75 yards away. Touchdown Citadel."

- Remember when we got shut out by Furman at home? Yikes.

- After the sun had finally fallen below the walls of the stadium, we began to notice just how incredible the new lights are. But we couldn't help but wonder why the old lights are still in place, since they aren't needed and weren't even turned on. Friend-of-the-site Geoffrey suggests that they probably were turned on, but just weren't working. Which makes sense.

- Congratulations to Ed Davis for looking the most forlorn while receiving his national championship ring at halftime. Honorable mention goes to Larry Drew and Justin Watts. The loser in this contest was Mike Copeland who couldn't stop beaming.

- Remember when Johnny White was known as the fastest guy on the team? He's probably faster now than he was then, but possibly not even in the top five on the team anymore. Maybe not even top ten.

- If, during the course of a season, a player carries the ball 23 times for a total of 57 yards, while scoring 17 touchdowns...would that player be a Heisman candidate? If so, let's go ahead and get the Ryan Houston for Heisman campaign started.

Dave: Previewing the Bulldogs
9/3/09

The design of the University of North Carolina's 2009 football schedule is nothing short of unfair. We're not talking about playing in Blacksburg on a Thursday night or being forced to replace Duke with N.C. State as the final game of the regular season. No, we're talking about every other team in the country getting to start their season this weekend while the Heels are forced to play a scrimmage game against the JV team on Saturday evening. At least, that's what will appear to be taking place when the Carolina Blue-clad Citadel Bulldogs come to Chapel Hill.

In addition to copying North Carolina's school colors, the Citadel has also ripped a page out of the Ohio State playbook. Both schools insist on having "the" before their name. The Citadel. The Ohio State University. In fairness to the Bulldogs, they don't (to our knowledge) obnoxiously "correct" anyone who leaves off the "the," nor do they obnoxiously emphasize the "the" when they state the name of their school. So maybe accusing them of plagiarizing the Buckeyes is a bit misleading.

There are quite a few questions swirling around regarding the 2009 Carolina football season. For instance, the quarterback and wide receiver positions are both somewhat questionable. Running back, not so much. In fact, not to build up expectations or anything, but it’s safe to assume that Shaun Draughn will rush for 1,000 yards. Against the Citadel. And while we’re talking about Shaun, it’s worth noting that his last name is pronounced “Drone.” As in “to proceed in a dull, monotonous manner,” like your eighth grade science teacher. As far as we know, he chose to pronounce it this way for no other reason than to not have his first and last names rhyme.

In addition to Draughn, Ryan Houston will also get some carries for the Tar Heels against the Citadel. We were really looking forward to watching the "Lone Star State Showdown" with Ryan Houston going up against Bulldog running back Terrell Dallas. However, Dallas tore his ACL in the Bulldogs' final game against Florida last season and is unlikely to be ready to go in the season opener. Had he not left the game injured, the Citadel likely could have squeaked out an upset against the Gators, but instead they fell 70-19.

Dallas isn't the first Bulldog running back to be out of commission recently. Since the beginning of last season, the Citadel has had seven running backs leave the program or suffer a serious injury. Oddly enough, the starting spot in the first game of the year could be held by walk-on Remi Biakabutuka, younger brother of the always injured former Carolina Panther Tshimangu Biakabutuka. Remi is still battling for the starting slot with another walk-on, Bucky Kennedy, so it remains possible that he could wind up injured before the game Saturday.

B.J. Phillips will step on to the field at Kenan Stadium on Saturday evening once again donning the Carolina Blue - though his jersey will say Citadel on it. Phillips graduated early from Carolina and has transferred to the Citadel to pursue his Master's degree. Here's hoping that he's already played his best game ever in Chapel Hill. We're not sure what game that would have been, we just hope it's in the past.

The Heels are 3-0 all time against the Bulldogs, outscoring them 109-21 along the way. The highlight of those three games was a 50-0 shut out. There aren't any actual highlights available from that game, as it was played in 1939 before Philo Farnsworth's new fangled television invention was capable of broadcasting sporting events.

Saturday night's game kicks off at 6 p.m. in Kenan Stadium. The game will be televised on ESPN360.com. And we promise that's the last time we'll ever refer to ESPN360.com as "televising" something.

ACC Summer Unreality Series: Finale
9/2/09

Day 19: With only three coaches left in the competition, each remaining contender was beginning to taste victory. And, quite frankly, after the pressure of the last three weeks, the prospect of victory was the only thing keeping Roy Williams, Sidney Lowe, and Jim Grobe sane.

They began contemplating what kind of contest might be employed to narrow the field to the two final contenders, but no sooner had they started discussing it, when the man in red received some unfortunate news.

Eyebrows were raised when a FedEx package arrived, addressed to Sidney. Upon opening, he found a letter written on stationery from St. Paul's College, where he received his online degree.

"Dear Mr. Lowe," it read. "We regret to inform you that an error was made in your transcript that allowed you to receive a degree from our school. It seems that you are one algebra class short of actually qualifying for a degree. Please report to school (your computer, actually) immediately as this is the last day to register for the class for this semester. According to NCAA rules, you cannot continue coaching until completing this course."

Roy feigned a sympathetic glance and Grobe held back a snicker as Sidney trudged toward the exit, realizing that his efforts for the last three weeks had been meaningless.

Day 20: Unable to take their minds off of the impending showdown, neither coach slept a wink as they prepared for their final day in the Coliseum. Both were bleary-eyed when John Swofford walked in to announce the rules of the final contest.

"As you know, the digital age in which we live has changed the way that the modern college coach communicates. Today we will test your ability to manage different types of communication in a contest called a digital pentathlon. Your goal is to send four different messages to four different people via four different modes of communication: email, text message, Facebook, and Twitter. I realize that a pentathlon should have five events, but we didn't know the word for a competition that has four events, so we're just calling this a pentathlon. The first one to send all four messages will be the winner."

Swofford then placed a cell phone and a laptop in front of both coaches.

"Ready? You may begin."

Roy and Grobe grabbed their cell phones and began to furiously bang out their respective text messages. Grobe texted a quick greeting to Aaron Curry, while Roy--decidedly slower--managed to send a message to David Noel.

By the time Roy put down his cell phone, Grobe had his computer booted up and was ready to begin his electronic communication. Within just moments, he'd typed out an email to Riley Skinner, sent a Facebook message to Josh Adams, and even tweeted in the general direction of Ron Wellman.

As he raised his hand to indicate that he had finished, it became apparent that something was amiss with his competitor. Roy sat with a furrowed brow, staring at a black screen on his computer. Jim Grobe had not only finished his electronic communications first, but he'd done it before Roy had even turned on his laptop.

"I've told you guys a hundred times that I wouldn't know how to send an email, or turn on a computer,even if my life depended on it. Today, I faced an interesting conundrum: Do I try to satisfy my insatiable will to win and admit that I know how to use a computer, or do I stay in character and be forced to lose the contest? I hope you respect my decision to choose the latter. It was one fantastic ride."

Having spoken his final words, ol' Roy made his way out of the Coliseum.

And so, seemingly out of nowhere---just like the 2006 ACC football championship--Jim Grobe walked away victorious, the champion of the Inaugural ACC Summer Unreality Series.

And with that, our long national nightmare is over. Let the 2009 football season begin.

ACC Summer Unreality Series: Days 16-18
8/31/09

Day 16: The five remaining coaches shared a few laughs on Day 16, mostly at the expense of other folks in the league. Roy Williams mentioned how great it was that of the five coaches left in the game, four of them were from Tobacco Road. Bobby Bowden immediately perked up, asking where he might find this "Tobacco Road," and if--being from there--any of the other four coaches could get him a discount on the tobacco sold there. Coach K noted that they were lucky Ralph Friedgen represented Maryland instead of Gary Williams, otherwise they'd have had to hear about how unfair it was that the game was being held in the Greensboro Coliseum, providing an unfair advantage to the people from North Carolina schools.

Day 17: As they sat around talking for yet another day (there isn't a whole lot else to do to pass the time when you're locked in a big arena), the topic turned to the other power conferences. The coaches began to wonder aloud if perhaps the Big East, Big 10, Big 12, or SEC might be having a similar unreality series. Oddly enough, none of them seemed to care about the PAC 10. A few of the janitors overheard the discussion and came over to inform the coaches that similar contests were, in fact, taking place across the country. They were able to fill the coaches in on the current standings in the other leagues.

In the Big 12, Bill Self fell victim to an early upset at the hands of Baylor head coach, Art Briles, as he joined the likes of Bucknell and Bradley to bounce Kansas from an important tournament. Oddly enough, the leading contenders to win this league's contest both have ACC ties--former Duke player Jeff Capel is still alive representing Oklahoma, and former Carolina coach Mack Brown is still in the hunt representing Texas.

Because the Big East has about 45 teams in the conference, their contest was still a long way from over. Rick Pitino excused himself for personal reasons pretty early on in the game, but Jim Calhoun, Greg Schiano, and Charlie Weis are some of the notable names remaining from that league. With such a large number of coaches participating from the conference, the winner isn't expected to be crowned until sometime in early 2010.

Most of the buzz from the SEC's version of the Unreality Series came early on when Mark Richt's strong ethics forced him to expose John Calipari, who had snuck his cell phone into the Georgia Dome in order to text message recruits in his free time. Nick Saban is the heavy favorite to win the event, particularly after an early exit by Steve Spurrier.

Finally, in the Big 10, Tom Crean and Tubby Smith joined forces and tore through the challenges, while Tom Izzo and Jim Tressel also teamed up to make it to the final four. Crean and Izzo have formed a secret alliance with one another, however, and it will be interesting to see who emerges victorious from the Big 10.

Once Bobby Bowden heard this update, he proceeded to quit the contest, stating "as long as I've made it further in my contest than Joe Paterno made it in his, I really see no point in continuing to play."

Day 18: With only the four coaches from North Carolina remaining, John Swofford entered the Greensboro Coliseum and explained the rules of the day's competition.

"Gentlemen, today's contest is the most simple that we've had so far. You will be asked a trivia question, and--if you don't know the answer--you'll be allowed to use your personal cell phone to get help. However, you're only allowed to call your former players. Everyone who comes up with a correct answer will advance. All those who don't will be eliminated."

Up first was Sidney Lowe. His question: "What is the capital of Turkey?" Of course, he had no idea, but a quick call to Engin Atsur provided him with the correct answer: Ankara.

Next, Jim Grobe. "Who invented the cotton gin?" He didn't even need a phone call to know that the correct answer was Eli Whitney.

The question for Roy Williams was a bit more vexing: "What Iowa city is home to the world's largest strawberry?"

But a call to former Iowa farm boy Nick Collison quickly provided the answer: Strawberry Point.

All eyes now turned to Coach K.

"Do I have to use my personal cell phone?" Krzyzewski inquired, realizing that all of his former players have Caller ID. He swallowed hard when Swofford nodded yes. His question: What explorer was the first person to sail around the world?

First a call was placed to William Avery, but it went straight to voicemail. Same for Shavlik Randolph, Mike Dunleavy, Josh McRoberts, Chris Burgess and Eric Boateng. Jamal Boykin actually answered his phone, but then hung up as soon as he realized who was calling. Elliott Williams had apparently changed his phone number. Calls to both Christian Laettner and Brian Davis garnered a message stating that the accounts had been disconnected due to delinquent payment.

"Well, this is my last resort," he sighed. "JJ, pull me through one more time."

A confident smile came across the coach's face when he heard his former All-American pick up the phone.

"JJ, thank goodness you answered. Who was the first person to sail around the world?"

"Hahahaha....duuuuuuuuuude! I'm so hungry right now!"

"You're high right now, aren't you?"

"Duuuuuuuuuuuude!"

Realizing that all of his former players either hated him or had developed into completely worthless human beings, Coach K hung his head and left the Coliseum.

Eliminated: Paul Johnson, Al Skinner, Frank Haith, Al Groh, Ralph Friedgen, Frank Beamer, Oliver Purnell, Bobby Bowden, Mike Krzyzewski

Remaining: Roy Williams, Jim Grobe, Sidney Lowe

ACC Summer Unreality Series: Days 13-15
8/28/09

Day 13: Talk about your unlucky day in the Greensboro Coliseum. First, Oliver Purnell was walking around in a Clemson shirt when Bobby Bowden snuck up behind him and attempted to strangle him. The other coaches quickly broke up the skirmish with no injuries to report. When asked the reason for the attack, Bowden responded by saying that he was "gonna make that boy pay for taking my son Tommy's job." Roy Williams proceeded to explain to Bobby that Purnell coached basketball for Clemson, and that Dabo Swinney was actually the new football coach there. Bowden muttered an apology to Purnell and went on to tell a 30-minute story about his playing days at Alabama.

Day 14: With two weeks having elapsed since the contest's commencement, the coaches began to get a little antsy about just how much longer they might have to remain locked in the Greensboro Coliseum in order to win the summer's unreality contest. As they sat around reminiscing over the last fortnight, John Swofford walked in...

"Good afternoon," he said to the coaches. "As you've noticed, every challenge we present to you is a little different - sometimes the loser is eliminated, sometimes the winner is rewarded. Well, today, we'll combine those two things into one. The loser of this competition will be sent packing, while the winner will have home court--or field, whatever the case may be--advantage for the next contest."

A chorus of applause and cheers rang out from the coaches, as they celebrated at the thought of getting to leave the Greensboro Coliseum for a while.

"As for today's contest, it's quite simple. I have seven pens and seven sheets of paper. You will each receive one pen and one sheet of paper and be asked to sign your best John Hancock. I will analyze each of your signatures and designate one as the best and one as the worst. Understand?"

Each coach nodded.

"Now, before we get started, I have a surprise. Administering today's contest is a special guest. Dick Baddour! Please give him a round of applause."

The coaches all clapped as Baddour took a seat at a table beside Swofford's podium. One by one, the coaches stepped to the table and took their pen and paper. Frank Beamer was last in line. When he reached the front, he took the pen from John Swofford's hand and then paused.

"Would it be possible for me to run up to Blacksburg right quick and get my lucky pen? I really can't sign my name without it."

Baddour hesitated for a moment before responding. "Well, I suppose that would be alright. You promise to come right back, don't you?"

"Oh yes, sir. I'll be back first thing in the morning."

"Well, alright then," said Baddour. And with that, Beamer quickly slipped out. "We'll finish the judging in the morning," Baddour stated.

Day 15: After waiting until lunchtime for Frank Beamer to return, Baddour saw the writing on the wall. With a sheepish look on his face, he turned to Swofford...

"He's not coming back, is he?"

"No, Dickie...no he's not," Swofford sighed. Turning to the coaches, he proclaimed, "Frank is the loser of this contest. The rest of you are safe for today. But we must judge your autographs to determine who will host the next contest on their home turf."

First up was Sidney Lowe's autograph. Actually, "autograph" is probably a poor choice of words, as the Leader of the Pack had simply printed his name in large block letters.

"I never learned to write in cursive," Lowe explained.

Next was Bobby Bowden. His paper didn't contain his autograph, but instead only the name "John Hancock." Swofford looked at Bowden perplexed.

"Ah, now I believe you told us to write down the name John Hancock on that piece of paper," Bobby stated incredulously. "What seems to be the problem?"

Oliver Purnell presented a decent signature, but his name was barely legible because of some scribbles that appeared all over the paper.

Upon closer inspection, it was became apparent that Larry Shyatt, Purnell's predecessor at Clemson, had already written his name all over the piece of paper in a similar contest nearly ten years ago.

"I'm sorry," Swofford said, "but you won't be winning this contest. Larry Shyatt has already done too much damage to this piece of paper, and no matter what you do, you can't fix it."

Next up: Jim Grobe. But when Swofford came by to collect his paper, the Deacons' coach was still holding his pen and staring at his paper looking confused.

"I'm sorry, it's just that nobody has ever asked for my autograph before, so I'm not sure what to do here," Grobe explained. "Wake Forest has less than a dozen fans, you know."

Swofford could only shake his head.

"Based on legibility, style and--quite frankly--executing the simple tasks of the contest, Roy Williams and Mike Krzyzewski are the finalists. But Mike, I can't make you the winner when you didn't even spell your own name correctly."

"No, that's how you spell it!" Krzyzewski said angrily.

"You can't prove that," Swofford retorted. "Roy Williams is the winner. Let's head to the Dean Dome for our next contest."

But before a single coach could move, Oliver Purnell spoke up.

"Mr. Swofford..." he began. "I quit. You know good and well that I don't stand a chance of surviving a contest in Chapel Hill. Might as well go home and see my family now."

After trying for several minutes to come up with a counter argument, Swofford and the coaches realized that Oliver was right. Each coach bid the beloved Tigers' skipper adieu.

And then there were five.

Eliminated: Paul Johnson, Al Skinner, Frank Haith, Al Groh, Ralph Friedgen, Frank Beamer, Oliver Purnell

Remaining: Roy Williams, Mike Krzyzewski, Jim Grobe, Sidney Lowe, Bobby Bowden

Americana with the Muffin: Potpourri
8/26/09

Read all of the Muffin's Musings at muffinmatters.blogspot.com...

Tuscaloosa and the University of Alabama continue to impress. There are enough country stations around here to fill up 2 pre-set lists on my car radio. Today’s country, yesterday’s country, the newbies, the oldies. You name it, I got it, all in the comfort of my 2001, 4-cylinder, front-wheel-drive Black Stallion- Nissan Sentra. If you sometimes feel out of place because of your love for honky tonk music and PBR beer; If brushing your teeth sometimes strikes you as a nuisance; If you believe tobacco is a vegetable; If reading novels makes you vomit; If your idea of “Progressive Talk” is this week’s NASCAR starting grid; If you believe Okra is an odd variation of Fried Okra...consider joining me in Alabama.

In the “Muffin should have known this” Department, we have this: Eli Gold is the voice of the Alabama Crimson Tide football team. I certainly should have known this, but as it stands, it’s a fantastic surprise. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Eli Gold; he is the owner of the soothing radio voice that talks left turns on “NASCAR Live” each week. A bona fide American.

Everybody in Tuscaloosa is counting down to the September 5 th college football kickoff game between the Crimson Tide and the Virginia Tech Hokies. As a Tar Heel, I would love to see Alabama knock the poo-poo out of V-tech. Forget about the ACC trying to “represent.” I’m tired of the Virginia Tech football team, and I’m especially tired of the term “Beamer Ball,” which apparently means “No National Championship Ball.” Naturally the angered V-tech fan will respond, “Hey, Carolina’s never won a national championship in football.” Correct. But we don’t run around calling it “Butch Ball,” now do we?

There’s other stuff happening outside of T-town and Chapel Hill believe it or not. Everybody’s favorite rich redneck, Jerry Jones has really done it this time. The world’s largest HD-TV resides in the new Cowboys Stadium. It sports a hefty price tag of 40 million dollars. And, it’s also too flippin’ low. Hit by a Titans punter last week, Jerry Jones insists that the little prick was kicking straight up and did it on purpose. Ohhhhhhhh, ok Jerry. So, as long as punters don’t try to hit the big screen, it won’t be an issue. Gotcha’ buddy. That screen’s just fine as is. Don’t change a thing…except the way games are played in your venue.

Did you all hear about this story that claims 90% of US currency has traces of cocaine?! Do you think maybe the Dallas Cowboys and their teams of the last 2 decades had anything to do with this? Just wondering.

According to this story from ESPN.com, Florida International is shocked and appalled that they have been scheduled to take on the Heels for their 2009-2010 basketball season opener. "We will not be bullied into a unilateral decision to play North Carolina after we already agreed to play Ohio State," Pete Garcia, FIU Athletic Director, said. HA! What. A. Fairy. I hope FIU head coach Isiah Thomas embraces the challenge unlike his neutered boss. Could you ever imagine an up-and-coming program at UNC like the football team, for instance, being thrown into a game against a powerhouse like Texas or USC? And then, could you imagine Dick Baddour saying, “Hey! Hey! Heyyyyy! Nuh-uh. I don’t think so mister.” Nah, we can’t imagine that. Because he’s a man.

Lastly, from KTLA in Los Angeles I read this: The crypt above Marilyn Monroe’s remains has been sold for $4.6 million on eBay. The reasoning? Well, the old bat whose husband was resting there decided she wanted to pay off her home in Beverly Hills. So. She just decided to move her husband’s remains from above Ms. Monroe, and sell the spot. The winner on eBay (drum roll please)…Someone who goes by the initials, “O.S.” Listen, it’s a free country, obviously. But, if I had 4.6 million dollars set aside for the purpose of being placed on top of a woman, I’d want that woman and myself to be alive…very alive.

ACC Summer Unreality Series: Days 10-12
8/23/09

Still Day 10: As soon as John Swofford exited the Coliseum, things got a little heated. Frank Beamer immediately barked across the room at Bobby Bowden, "What are you doing, you idiot? The football coaches were supposed to stick together, and you just sent one of us packing! Now it's 4-4 instead of 5-3 in our favor!"

Before Bowden had a chance to respond, Ralph Friedgen chimed in, "He cut a deal with the other side! I saw him talking to Coach K a couple of days ago, and when they were finished, Mike muttered something under his breath about that being one of the cheapest souls he'd ever purchased."

By now, Bobby had time to formulate his response, "Now listen here! I made no deal of any sort with Mike Krzyzewski. While casting my vote, it's possible that I may have forgotten that I was supposd to be teaming up with you football people. But, to be perfectly honest with ya, I think everyone here knows that Al Groh deserved to leave. Can't nobody here stand bein' around that guy. Besides, everyone here knows I sold my soul to the devil back in 2000 when I was willing to do whatever it took to get Chuck out of my hair for a few years."

Though there was still some grumbling for the remainder of the evening, most of the coaches finally let it go and made their way to their cots before too much longer.

Day 11: Coach K spent the majority of the day laying in his cot, complaining that the tug of war contest from the previous day had aggravated an "old back injury." He made sure to point out to everyone in the arena that he believed this back pain contributed greatly to the loss his team sustained in the tug of war game, and while laying on his cot he wrote up a petition to have any future losses in the ACC Summer Unreality Contest expunged from his record.

Day 12: In the middle of Day 12, John Swofford waltzed back into the Coliseum carrying a large, bulky box. Upon arriving at midcourt, he placed the box at his feet and began speaking to the remaining contestants.

"Coaches, congratulations on making it 33 percent of the way through this contest. We started with twelve of you and are now down to eight. Having hit this milestone, I'd like to unveil the mystery concerning the game's prize. I'm excited to announce what the winner will be taking home. But before I do, I'd like to go ahead and take everything we'll be using for today's contest out of this box. Because as excited as I am about revealing the grand prize, I'm even more excited about explaining the rules of today's game, which I think is one of the most creative we'll have in this entire summer series."

Swofford then bent over and began taking items out of the box and placing them on the table in front of him. First, he removed a box of matches. This was followed by eight bars of hand soap and a ziploc bag full of old watch batteries. Finally, he placed two solar panels and four fishing poles on the table.

"Now, before I explain what we'll be doing with these items, I'll finally fill you in on the contest's grand prize. Carolina Water Cooler has agreed to provide the winner with a Priceless Gym t-shirt. Beautifully crafted, these Carolina Blue t-shirts feature a picture of the Dean Smith Center, with the words "Priceless Gym" written above the image. I'm sure the winner of this item will get a lot of use out of it. Now, on to the rules of tonight's game."

"Wait..." interrupted Ralph Friedgen.

"Yes?" replied Swofford, with a quizzical look on his face.

"Do these shirts come in XXXXXXXL?"

"I'm sorry, was that six or seven X's?"

"Seven," answered the Fridge.

"No, I'm afraid not. The largest size the website offers is XXL."

"Well, then I quit!" exclaimed Friedgen. He quickly packed his bags and headed for the exit of the Coliseum.

Everyone else in the building sat stunned in silence for a few moments before John Swofford spoke again. "Well, in that case, I guess there is no reason to hold today's competition. We are now down to seven remaining participants." And with that, he loaded the box of matches, bars of soap, watch batteries, solar panels, and fishing poles back into his cardboard box and left the gymnasium.

Eliminated: Paul Johnson, Al Skinner, Frank Haith, Al Groh, Ralph Friedgen

Remaining: Roy Williams, Mike Krzyzewski, Jim Grobe, Sidney Lowe, Oliver Purnell, Bobby Bowden, Frank Beamer

Americana with the Muffin: Brett Favre
8/19/09

Read all of the Muffin's Musings at muffinmatters.blogspot.com...

The Brett Favre firestorm has begun again. Since Favre’s first retirement and comeback, I’ve gone from interested, to entertained, to anxious, to confused, to annoyed, to interested, to annoyed. It’s very easy to be ticked off due to the seemingly never-ending saga that is Brett Favre’s playing career. However, I have to wonder what it would be like to have a microphone in my face every second of every day while trying to make a major life decision. You know how it is when you’re making a really tough decision that could go either way, right? You go back and forth. You’re certain of one thing one minute, and certain of another thing the next. Now, imagine the media asking you what you were thinking a thousand times a day…I could hypothetically see myself doing what Brett Favre has done. That being said, the media coverage has undoubtedly been annoying and way too extensive.

While we all have our opinions on Favre’s retirements and comebacks, that’s not the primary purpose of this column. The reason I’m writing is that I have to pass along a premonition I received recently in regards to Brett Favre…and it isn’t pretty. Now, now, once you read this, don’t go off thinking I’m some kind of sicko or maniac. I don’t want this to happen; I just think it may happen. Ok? So…

I think the only fitting way for Brett Favre to end his ‘career’ is to be carted off the field. And when I say carted off the field, I mean carted off the field of life. I mean carted off for good. For good, good…Like ‘goodbye world, hello glory’-good. Like ‘lights out’-good. Like ‘skeleton slumber party’-good. I know it’s morbid, but come on, would it not be fitting? Let’s put this in perspective using another legend. I am a huge fan of Dale Earnhardt and his legacy, and I wish he was still with us today. I hate that he’s gone, and I wish I could still watch him on Sundays. But given the tragic circumstances, Dale went out rather fittingly, did he not? Nobody wanted to see Dale Earnhardt die of a heart attack or cancer. No. If Dale Earnhardt had to die (which was debatable until it actually happened), it had to be doing something manly and race-related. I’m afraid the same may be true for Favre and football.

Anyway, Besides Jimmy Hoffa, who else belongs buried under a stadium? Brett friggin’ Favre, man! If something happens, he needs to be buried right under a 50-yard-line somewhere, somehow. It would be perfect and fitting. And, you could do a two-for-one on the burial and memorial service because you’d already be in a place with plenty of seats…right?

I mean, I’m not saying---I’m just saying. Just think about it. I don’t want it to happen people. It just makes sense.

ACC Summer Unreality Series: Days 7-10
8/17/09

Day 7: After two individuals were eliminated from the competition on Day 6, things were relatively quiet on Day 7. Some coaches whose friendships went way back, such as Roy Williams and Oliver Purnell, spent the entire day catching up with one another. Roy spent much of the afternoon explaining to Oliver what it's like to win an NCAA Tournament game, while also letting everyone else in the building know that Purnell was one of the best coaches he'd ever met. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Greensboro Coliseum, new friendships were born. New buddies Sidney Lowe and Frank Beamer spent much of the afternoon in conversation, and it was only after Lowe asked Beamer what shape ball was used in "Beamerball" that Frank realized Sidney thought it was an entirely different sport. At the end of the day, no one was entirely sure if Lowe now understood the term or not.

Day 8: Now two days removed from the most recent competition, many of the coaches began to discuss strategy amongst themselves. Coach K and Bobby Bowden formed a secret alliance between themselves, as both men simultaneously respected the fact that the other was so high on the list of winningest coaches and felt relieved that they coached different sports and didn't have to worry about being caught by the other. Despite this crossover friendship, and that of Sidney Lowe and Frank Beamer, the strongest groups still seemed to be the basketball coaches against the football coaches, with the football side now a man ahead, at 5-4.

Day 9: Aside from Al Groh losing a sweater and having a panic attack, nothing notable happened on this particular day. The sweater was found late in the afternoon when Jim Grobe attempted to pull a loose thread from Ralph Friedgen's t-shirt. As it turned out, after a hard yank, the thread was Groh's sweater - it had just gotten stuck in one of Fridge's fat rolls.

Day 10: Just after lunch on day 10 in the Coliseum, John Swofford returned for a visit.

"Greetings, gentlemen. I trust you are all well. Today's contest will be short, but hopefully a lot of fun as well. Before I tell you what it is, I'd like you to pick teams. I will randomly select two names out of this hat, and those two individuals will be captains. First...Coach K. Congratulations. And to captain the other team...Oliver Purnell. If you two would please step up here to the front.

Now, we need the teams for this competition to be even. Since there are nine of you, that means one individual will not participate. Mike and Oliver must decide who that person will be. Choose wisely, you two - the person you select will be safe from elimination this competition. In exchange for safety, this person must choose a member of the team that loses the game to send home. You have two minutes to decide."

Krzyzewski and Purnell stepped off to the side to decide which person to grant safety to. Purnell suggested Roy, which K quickly shot down. K suggested Sidney Lowe, but Purnell didn't want to appear to be giving special treatment to the only black person left. Eventually, they decided to give Bobby Bowden a pass, thinking that if the competition ended up lasting a while, they wouldn't have to take a break in the action while the Seminoles coach went for a bathroom break.

"Now, the two of you--Oliver and Mike--are team captains," Swofford declared. "After you each choose your three teammates, you'll find out what the competition will be."

Of course, choosing teams was difficult without not knowing which particular skill sets might come in handy...

K: "Sidney is the one here who most recently played a sport competitively, so I'll take him."

Purnell: "I'll take Roy--he's pretty athletic, and he's my BFF."

K: "Jimmy Grobe, come over here to Team K."

Purnell: "I'll take Frankie Beamer."

K: "Al Groh."

At this point, Oliver realized that he was left with the guy that nobody wanted. But being the swell guy that he is, he tried to be as nice as he could about it. "Come and join us Ralph!"

But turning the Fridge into this draft's version of Mr. Irrelevant proved to be an unfortunate move...

"Now that your teams have been chosen, please gather with your mates on opposite sides of the center jump circle," Swofford said. "You'll be competing in a game of Tug of War."

Soon after each player grabbed the rope, it became apparent that the least coveted coach would be the MVP of the competition. No matter how hard Team Krzyzewski pulled, they couldn't budge the anchor that was Ralph Friedgen. Of course, other coaches helped too--Roy Williams had a nearly perfect tug-of-war stance after so often demonstrating a good defensive stance to his team from the sidelines. And Frank Beamer proved to be surprisingly spry for a 62-year-old man. After a relatively quick battle, Team Purnell celebrated a victory.

"Now, Bobby, since you sat out this competition, you have the privilege of choosing a member of the losing team to be eliminated. Your choices are Mike Krzyzewski, Jim Grobe, Sidney Lowe, and Al Groh."

"Well, ah, let's see here," Bobby thought aloud. "Ah, I like Jimmy, he's a good coach. Let's see, ah, Sidney seems like a good guy. Reminds me of, ah, Warrick Dunn. Coach K, well I had a good talk with him earlier today, let's keep him. And, ah, Al Groh, he's a bit of an...ahhh...well, nobody really likes him. So I reckon he can go home."

And so it ended for the Cavs coach. With a bag full of sweatshirts in hand, he made his way to the Coliseum egress.

Eliminated: Paul Johnson, Al Skinner, Frank Haith, Al Groh

Remaining: Roy Williams, Mike Krzyzewski, Jim Grobe, Sidney Lowe, Oliver Purnell, Bobby Bowden, Ralph Friedgen, Frank Beamer

ACC Summer Unreality Series: Day 6 (continued...)
8/10/09

Still Day 6: After Ralph Friedgen opted to send Al Skinner packing, the coaches seemed to relax a little bit, knowing they had a few days before the next contest. Or so they thought. No sooner had Skinner headed through the big exit doors than John Swofford turned around and headed back to the center of the gym.

"Don't get too comfortable, gentlemen," he said, as he cut a look over toward Frank Beamer, who'd just unbuckled his belt and loosened his pants Frank Barone-style. "It's time for our second contest of the day. Allow me to explain the rules. You will each put on these soundproof earmuffs that I will now pass around. One at a time, you will proceed to this table and give a post-contest press conference. Bobby. BOBBY! COACH BOWDEN!!! ::sigh:: Would one of you please tap Coach Bowden on the shoulder and ask him to remove the soundproof earmuffs until after I explain the rules...

Now, as I was saying, you'll each proceed to this table and give a post-contest press conference. You will be given one minute for opening remarks about the holding onto the rim contest you just completed, and will then field two questions from the faux reporters we've brought in."

The table was set up just like any post game press conference table you might find at an NCAA sanctioned event. Rectangular in shape, it featured a white tablecloth draped over it, several microphones, and a Pepsi cup.

"Once all contestants have finished their press conferences, the faux reporters will deliberate amongst themselves and determine whose performance was the worst. That individual will be eliminated from the competition and can join Al Skinner in heading home this evening. Any questions? If not, you may now put on your headphones."

One by one, the coaches made their way to the table. Some of the highlights...

Roy Williams - "Well, I certainly feel very fortunate to have survived this contest. Roy Williams has been in many dadgum contests before, but never have I had as much fun as I just had in that one. I swear that's true; if I'm lying, I'll never hit a golf ball ever again. I'm a lucky, lucky man. My hat's off to Al and Oliver and all of those other guys because they really competed today. I think I was maybe a little more gifted than some of them, and that made a difference in the end. Now if we could just get them to serve Coke instead of Pepsi around here..."

Mike Krzyzewski - "First of all, congratulations to Ralph. He's a good rim-hanger. He's really good. We knew coming into today that he was really good, and he showed it. It really was a heck of a contest. Just a great contest. And Ralph is a really, really good hanger. He's really good. I wish that I'd done a little better myself, because I really think that when I'm hanging well, I'm probably a lot better than anyone else. But Ralph was better today. He's really good; he really is."

Bobby Bowden - "Well, I tell ya, if there was ever a team victory, that was it. I realize that it was just me hanging on the rim out there, all alone, but it was really a team effort. You can't win without defense. The way that Ralph was holding on to his rim out there...I can't remember a more gritty effort. Maybe some of those old Auburn teams we used to play, back when Pat Dye was there. They hit hard. But it was really a team effort today."

Al Groh - Instead of making his opening statement, Al simply sat down behind the table and said, "I'll just take questions." After an awkward silence, one of the intimidated reporters piped up with a question about the difficulty of hanging on a rim while wearing a sweatshirt. After giving him an icy glare, Groh simply said, "I'm not going to elaborate on that."

Frank Haith - Perhaps it was his lack of experience with the NCAA tourney table motif, or maybe it was just the pressure of the moment. But after being seated at the table, Haith found himself unable to speak. He just sat there biting his lip with his brow furrowed. The reporters tried to get the ball rolling with a few questions about the contest, but Haith simply continued to stare and bite. His time expired without him having uttered a single word.

After all ten contestants had finished, the reporters gathered to decide who would be eliminated. Grobe and Beamer had been solid. Lowe left a lot to be desired, but it wasn't yet time to get rid of him, they decided. Roy and K had performed exactly as expected. The only two candidates for dismissal were Groh and Haith. The reporters huddled close and then called Swofford over and gave him their decision.

"It's always difficult to say goodbye to a good man," the commissioner began. "But today we must. Frank Haith, you will now leave the Greensboro Coliseum."

And then there were nine...

Eliminated: Paul Johnson, Al Skinner, Frank Haith

Remaining: Roy Williams, Mike Krzyzewski, Jim Grobe, Sidney Lowe, Oliver Purnell, Bobby Bowden, Ralph Friedgen, Frank Beamer, Al Groh

Americana with the Muffin: Cosmic Paycheck
8/5/09

Read all of the Muffin's Musings at muffinmatters.blogspot.com...

Sometimes I find it hard to come up with topics to write about. Other times, topics fly up and hit me in the face like gnats at a picnic.

Not too long ago, I went to Kroger. Let me digress before I even start. Kroger is the finest grocery establishment in the country. ‘Right Store, Right friggin Price’ baby. Love it. Their store brands not only match but exceed the competition. Their sodas are life changing: ‘Dr. K’, ‘Citrus Drop’, and the very simple ‘Lemon Lime’ are just a few. Their boxed Mac and Cheese is the only store brand in America that keeps pace with Kraft. I am an expert in this field. Food Lion’s Mac and Cheese: cardboard. Harris Teeters Mac and Cheese: Too salty. Pure garbage. Wal-Mart’s Great (or good?) Value Mac and Cheese: Please. It’s flippin’ amateur hour. Anyway, I went to Kroger.

I pulled into the parking lot and spotted an opening. While driving into the spot, I witnessed one of the finest displays of Southern Americana ever. Picture this: A green 1994 or ’95 Chevy Astro Van. A fine American “whip,” if you will. That baby sported a 4.3 liter V6 that was produced back when gas was cheaper than beer. A typical Astro would get you 12.4 miles per gallon highway…new. Love’em.

Moving on to what was in and around the van. The passenger door was wide open to promote free air flow. One little girl was in the back playing with her toy horses. Two young boys were behind the Astro, near my spot. They were shirtless. The entire family had just come from the lake most likely. One young man sported Transformers trunks and the other sported an American Flag set of trunks. His trunks were very much like the ones I love to wear when I participate in aquatic activities. The mother was smoking a cig and leaning against the front of her trailer park chariot. She was wearing a turquoise one piece with jean shorts on top. By utilizing the Astro’s driver side mirror, I could see that Papa Bear was in the front seat with a Burger King Whopper in hand. He was large and in charge, and he was wearing a splendid off-white wife beater. It wasn’t off-white when he bought it, I can guarantee you that. Before I turned off my car I noticed that boys and Papa Bear were singing along to some song. The boys, in fact, were clapping and stomping along with the beat as well. I wondered what this awesome family was jamming to. As I turned off the car, Transformer Tommy, as we’ll call him, pointed at me during the apex and chorus of the song…

“Take this job and shove it! I ain’t workin’ here no more. My woman done left and took all the reasons-I was uh-working for. You better not try to stand in my way As I’m walking out the door. Take this job and shove it, I ain’t workin here no more.”

One of Johnny Paycheck’s greatest hits of all time. It really resonates with Americans, and especially North Carolinians who have struggled with the changing economy of the South over the last three decades. And as any other country song, it also resonates with any man who’s ever had a woman who done went and done him wrong. Great song.

I laughed hysterically. This young boy of about 5 or 6 started laughing as well, while continuing to clap and point. Papa Bear popped his head out. He let out a laugh/cough and said, “Dang it boy, what’chu doing back there. Let that man alone.” I quickly responded in my finest redneck-speak. “Aw, he ain’t botherin’ me.” The boy laughed, pointed again and shouted at me, “Take this job and shove it!” His mother was far from appalled and just barely twisted to see what her boy was doing. The only thing I could think of to say…and I mean the only thing… I was so amused and confused, that I wasn’t thinking straight. The only thing I could think of to say was, “I’ll drink to that.” Papa Bear said, “HA! There you go. There you go. I’ll drink to that too. Yes sir. Um-huh. Yes sir.”

God Bless America.

ACC Summer Unreality Series: Days 4-6
8/3/09

When we last talked, Paul Johnson had just become the first contestant to be escorted out of the Greensboro Coliseum, leaving us with 11 coaches remaining...

Day 4: After the exit of John Swofford and Paul Johnson, a palpable change occurred in the mood of the remaining coaches. It suddenly sank in that this isn't a game. Well, it is a game. But, it's a serious game - because the losers go home. And with PJ's exit, only 11 coaches are still in the running for the Unreality Contest's grand prize. Whatever that prize may be.

Day 5: If we thought the conclusion of Day 4 was somber, it was nothing compared to Day 5. Many of the coaches didn't get out of their cots until well past lunch, as they laid and wondered what they would do should they be the next person eliminated. In fact, the Fridge didn't move from his cot until nearly 4 p.m. And only then because Oliver Purnell spotted a stack of Twinkie wrappers by Ralph's bed and realized that he'd gorged himself on sugar the night before and gone into a diabetic coma. No worries, he's fine now.

Day 6: John Swofford returned to the coliseum first thing in the morning to let the players know that there would be a competition that evening. He didn't disclose what type of contest it would be, but did disclose that the winner would get to choose the person he'd like to eliminate. It was the always-shrewd Sidney Lowe that quickly, but quietly, gathered all the basketball coaches together and convinced them that if any of them won the competition, they should kick out a football coach. Lowe explained that with six basketball coaches remaining compared to only five football coaches the basketball skippers had a "better than 100% chance of staying safe." Of course, Al Skinner couldn't keep his big mouth (literally and figuratively) shut, and the football coaches quickly learned about this plan and made a similar pact among themselves, though with much lower odds of success.

Swofford returned that evening to explain the rules of the night's event...

"Our last contest was a skill competition. But today's is more about endurance. Around this gym we've brought in eleven different basketball goals. Each of you will climb the ladder under the hoop, grab the rim, and the ladder will then be removed. The person who can hold on to their rim the longest wins. Don't worry, there are cushions beneath the basket to break your fall. Best of luck!"

A few of the highlights from the contest...

Roy Williams - Things were going well for Roy until the seven-minute mark when he was overcome with a dizzy spell and had to drop off. But he insisted that he was fine and that dizzy spells like that happen all the time. Of course, his hard luck didn't prevent Al Skinner from complaining that Roy should be called for a technical foul for hanging on the rim.

Mike Krzyzewski - For the first time in his career, Coach K's "my back hurts" excuse was actually legitimate. After hanging for just two minutes, a disc in his back became inflamed, forcing him to drop out of the contest. Calls were made to Pete Gaudet with hopes that he could finish the contest for his old boss, but he couldn't be located. Apparently he's fallen off the face of the Earth.

Sidney Lowe - Perhaps Sidney was a little too concerned with his attempt to build a coalition and didn't focus enough on the contest. Or maybe he's just a little bottom-heavy. In any event, the Pack's coach held on for a mere 4 minutes.

Bobby Bowden - Turns out that hanging around longer than anyone anticipated that he could is actually pretty natural for Ol' Bobby. 11 minutes for the Seminoles coach.

Frank Haith - The Hurricanes' coach forfeited his right to participate in the contest, saying that he refuses to climb a ladder to reach the rim until he's cutting down the nets after winning his first NCAA championship. After the other coaches shared a hearty chuckle, they realized that Frank was serious.

Ralph Friedgen - Just a few seconds after the Fridge began dangling from his rim, all of the contestants heard a loud snap as the rim separated from the backboard and Ralph crashed to the ground. As it turns out, there was no rule that stated that the rim must remain attached to the backboard for the duration of the contest, so Ralph simply stood on the floor clutching his rim until all of the other contestants had dropped off. And fortunately for him, all of the other contestants just assumed that he'd been disqualified, so none of them tried to dislodge their rims and surpass what proved to be the winning time--14 minutes.

Having emerged from the contest victorious, Ralph deliberated carefully about which coach he would eliminate from the contest. After a bit of thought, he declared that Al Skinner would be dismissed from the Coliseum. His reasoning? Nothing other than bitterness and jealously over the fact that Skinner consistently fields a more physical and violent team than the Fridge can put together himself.

Eliminated: Paul Johnson, Al Skinner

Remaining: Roy Williams, Mike Krzyzewski, Jim Grobe, Sidney Lowe, Oliver Purnell, Bobby Bowden, Frank Haith, Ralph Friedgen, Frank Beamer, Al Groh

ACC Summer Unreality Series: Days 1-3
7/28/09

When last we left our summer Unreality Series Contestants, they'd just learned the rules they'd be abiding by for the next six weeks. Now that they've had a chance to get settled into the Greensboro Coliseum, it's time to check in on the competitors and recap some recent events...

Day 1: The first night in the Coliseum was all fun and games, with a 4 on 4 basketball tournament to pass the time. The coaches split themselves into 3 teams, with each team comprised of two basketball and two football coaches. A double elimination round robin tournament ensued. After shooting for teams, Coach K discovered his team consisted of Ralph Friedgen, Al Groh, and Sidney Lowe. The team made an effort to win their first game (against Roy Williams, Oliver Purnell, Frank Beamer, and Paul Johnson) but ended up losing by 32. About three minutes into their second game, Coach K's old back injury flared up again and the team had to forfeit against Bobby Bowden, Jim Grobe, Frank Haith, and Al Skinner. Roy Williams' squad defeated Bowden's crew to improve to 2-0 and drop Bowden to 1-1. But in their next game, Roy had another one of his blackouts on the final play, allowing Al Skinner to blow by him for the game winning shot. In the rubber match for all the marbles, Oliver Purnell pulled his usual tournament choke job, and Bowden and Company won the event.

Day 2: The coaches began to grow a little weary of their cots - particularly Ralph Friedgen, whose cot collapsed on the first night. But, for the most part, complaints were minimal to start the week.

Day 3: John Swofford made another appearance...

"Gentlemen, I hope you've been enjoying your stay here in Greensboro so far. Up until this point, everything has been relaxed for you. That all changes today." He bent down and picked up a bag and proceeded to dump its contents on the ground in front of him. At his feet lay 12 Nerf balls, each with a coach's name written on it. "At my feet you will each find a Nerf ball with your name on it. I suggest you practice throwing them as far as you can over the next 24 hours. When I return tomorrow, you will each have one chance to chuck it as far as possible. The only rule is that the ball must stay within the sidelines, so don't throw it out into the stands to the left or right. The person whose ball goes the furthest will be granted safety from elimination in our next contest. The person whose ball goes the shortest distance will be eliminated and must leave the Coliseum at once. Any questions?"

After 24 hours had passed, Swofford returned to the Coliseum and the competition began. After the dust cleared, the results were as follows:

Roy Williams - Turns out Ol' Roy has a pretty good arm, throwing his Nerf ball 26 yards. And, naturally, he took the opportunity to remind the other coaches that baseball is his first love and he actually started his coaching career as a baseball coach. Then he made a name for himself in basketball and got a job at North Carolina where he drove around the state selling calendars in order to make ends meet. Anyway, it's a long story but he felt very fortunate to have thrown the ball so far.

Mike Krzyzewski - For a moment, it looked like Coach K wasn't going to participate in the contest at all. Just before it was his turn to throw, he proclaimed that he'd gotten a better offer from a different reality show, and that he was considering leaving the Coliseum in order to take that position. But it proved to be nothing more than a bluff, and he ended up throwing his ball 19 yards.

Jim Grobe - Solid yet unspectacular. The Deacs skipper tossed it 24 yards and then gave everyone in the room a solid handshake and a genuine "Good to see you."

Sidney Lowe - A surprisingly good showing for the Leader of the 'Pack, but as Lowe himself said after his ball landed at the 28-yard mark, "I don't need no college degree to throw no Nerf ball."

Oliver Purnell - Uncle Ollie showed great promise all throughout practice and the preliminary ball tossings. Some even viewed him as the favorite to win. But--for reasons no one seems to have figured out--when it came time to make his throw, he tossed his Nerf ball a disappointing 13 yards. But his underwhelming performance didn't cause him to lose any respect among his peers. Roy Williams spent most of the afternoon crowing about what a great guy and terrific coach Oliver is.

Paul Johnson - Disqualified from the competition after refusing to actually throw the ball. Despite being reminded of the rules multiple times, Johnson would cock his arm back, but then take off running with the ball, mumbling something about the triple option and smashmouth football. After five attempts at throwing, it became clear that the Jackets coach was incapable of doing anything other than running with it.

Bobby Bowden - "What's that you called it? A Nerve ball? I don't believe I've ever heard of that. Say it again. Turf ball? No, I don't think I'm familiar with that." But despite some issues with nomenclature, the Florida State coach showed some sprightliness and threw his sphere 19 yards.

Frank Haith - A nice 18 yard toss for the Hurricanes coach. The very definition of average. A lot better than Dave Leitao or Pat Kennedy would have done, but not nearly as good as Roy.

Al Skinner - Skinner quickly found out that things aren't quite so easy without Tyrese Rice around to help him out. The Eagles coach hurled it an embarrassing 11 yards.

Al Groh - A bad attitude, combined with the cumbersome fit of his sweatshirt, led to a poor performance for Groh. After cocking his arm back several times, only to have his loose-fitting shirt fly over his face, the Cavs coach slammed down his ball and walked away. It rolled one yard.

Frank Beamer - The Hokies coach found a loophole in the rules that allowed him to get a few extra yards. After consulting the rules, Swofford agreed that it would be acceptable for Beamer to kick the ball instead of throw it. Paul Johnson protested based on his disqualification for running the ball, but to no avail. At any rate, Beamer (as usual) excelled in the kicking game, punting it 19 yards and getting an extra 3 yards on the roll for a 22-yard total.

Ralph Friedgen - Scary moment for the Fridge. Evidently finding his Nerf ball similar to the device used in his most recent angioplasty, the Terps' skipper thought that he was about to undergo open heart surgery there in the Coliseum. But after being assured that it was only a game, he tossed the ball 15 yards.

With everyone's throw complete, John Swofford stepped to the podium, informed Paul Johnson he'd been eliminated, and escorted him out of the Coliseum.

And then there were 11...

ACC Summer Unreality Series: Part 1
7/21/09

With the summer bringing sports (and, by extension, sports coverage) to a crawl, we at Carolina Water Cooler have decided to take matters into our own hands. With ACC coaches admittedly as bored as fans, we’ve been able to convince one representative from each conference school to participate in a six week long contest. Think of it as a cross between TV’s popular reality shows Survivor, Big Brother, The Mole, Jon and Kate Plus Eight, and Deadliest Catch. It’s going to be uncut, uncensored, and, most importantly, unreal.

Carolina Water Cooler heavily debated where this summer’s contest would be held. Initially, the Dean E. Smith Center seemed the perfect venue, but it was quickly determined that that would provide the University of North Carolina with an unfair advantage. Myrtle Beach was considered, but shot down due to the state of South Carolina’s insistence on flying a Confederate flag. Butner, North Carolina was ruled out when the nation’s most dangerous man (financially speaking) arrived in town. Eventually, every potential location but the Greensboro Coliseum was ruled out, so that’s where we settled down. And this is how it all went down…

The twelve contestants in the first annual ACC Summer Unreality Series walked to midcourt of the Greensboro Coliseum to learn the rules of the contest from the game’s host, John Swofford:

“Hello and welcome to the Carolina Water Cooler ACC Summer Unreality Series. I’d like to thank you all for agreeing to participate in what’s sure to be an exciting contest and, more importantly, something to help pass the time until football season gets underway. Most of you are probably acquainted with one another, but I’d like to have each of you briefly introduce yourself before I explain the rules of the contest. If we could just go down the line and have everyone take 20 or 30 seconds…”

“Hi, I’m Frank Beamer, head football coach at Virginia Tech. We are the Hokies. We will prevail. We are Virginia Tech.”

“Bobby Bowden. Legend. That man with his hand up my rear end is Jimbo Fisher. He’s my assistant coach and ventriloquist. Couldn’t even talk or sit up straight without him.”

“Raumnlph Frinmtpgen… Sorry, just finishing up my dinner. Ralph Friedgen, University of Maryland.”

“Well, I know most of you, but the majority of you have probably never heard of me because I coach at a school that gets no respect. I’m Jim Grobe, football coach at Wake Forest.”

“Al Groh. University of Thomas Jefferson. Screw all of you.”

“I’m Sydney Lowe. Wolfpack for life. ::Chest thump:: And I’ll be wearing this red jacket for the entire six weeks.”

“Frank Haith. I should be the coach at N.C. State. But still at Miami.”

“You can call me Paul; you can call me Johnson; you can call me Coach. Triple option.”

“Mike Krzyzewski, head coach of USA Basketball. I also have an Olympic gold medal.”

“Oliver Purnell. Just happy to be here.”

“Al Skinner. Boston College."

“Aw, shucks. Y’all didn’t have to have us all speak. Nobody wants to hear me talk. I’m just a boring ol’ guy. My name is Roy Williams, and I coach basketball for the University of North Carolina. I guess I’m last…were you wanting to talk again, John?”

“Thank you all, and welcome once again. You’ll learn more about the contest as the game unfolds, but I’ll give you a brief overview of the rules now. Basically, it'll work like this…

For the next 6 weeks, you will all be confined to the court and the lower level of this coliseum as your living quarters. All other areas will be roped off and clearly marked as out of bounds. Please do not enter these areas or you will be disqualified. Should you leave the designated play area at any time or for any reason, you will be eliminated from the game. Cots will be provided for you to sleep on. As is normally the case in contests of this type, you will be cut off from the outside world, with no access to television, radio, internet, or cell phones. Each week you will particpate in contests, with winners gaining power and losers...well, not gaining power. Twice a week, one of you will be eliminated from the competition. The last person standing will receive a prize, which will be announced in a future week. Does everyone understand the rules?"

Each coach silently nodded yes.

“Alright, then…enjoy your evening. The games will begin soon.”

To be continued…

Americana with the Muffin: Celebrities and Dying
7/2/09

Unfortunately, there’s one heck of a celebrity skeleton slumber party going on after last week. We lost three, count’em, THREE American cultural Icons. Let’s get to it.

Ever watched a baseball game where a batter is on fire? Multiple home runs, maybe a grand slam in there. And then…the next batter digs in, and everyone thinks or says, “That’s impossible to follow. Sucks to be that guy.” This is the feeling I got when I found out Billy Mays died in the same week as Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett. I was riding in the back of a Ford Explorer, on the way back from one of America’s finest vacation spots, Myrtle Beach. Riding along S.C. #9 (I think), My friend shouted, “Billy Mays is dead?! This is ridiculous!”

My friend’s Blackberry did not lie. Our favorite late night/Saturday morning pitchman was gone; “gone to the giant toll-free zone in the sky.” He “expired,” “cashed in,” and “departed.” Perhaps another one of my friends said it best via Facebook: “Goodbye Billy Mays. I’ll miss you yelling at me at 3 in the morning.” Indeed we will.

Mays was such an anomaly. He was a salesman. But, people liked him. As Americans, we generally hate salesmen, right? Businesses and housing developments prove it with big signs that say, “NO SOLICITING.” When telemarketers call our homes, some of us unleash hell upon them verbally. When we see people handing out fliers, we immediately audible from a fly-route to a slant. These are things that make me love America. We can be contradictory in our ideas and values. We despise salesmen. But, we liked Mays. I never bought Mighty Putty, Mighty Mend-it, or CLR, but daggum, I loved hearing Mays talk about them. You know; he used every product he sold. He said so.

Farrah Fawcett is the one of the three that I find hardest to take lightly. In all actuality, I shouldn’t take any of their deaths lightly, but public figures seem surreal to begin with (to me anyways). Fawcett died last Thursday after a 3-year fight with cancer. She “checked out,” “met her end,” and “passed on to the great beyond.” Charlie’s Angels put Fawcett on the map, although one could argue she put Charlie’s Angels on the map. She also co-starred in one of my favorite films of all time, The Apostle. In The Apostle, she had an affair while married to Robert Duvall’s character. What a great flippin’ movie. Anyway, from what I’ve read and seen, Fawcett was never overly extravagant or flighty like so many other celebrities. An absolute American icon in the 60s and 70s. She had an impact on young people in later decades as well. It’s a shame her untimely death was overshadowed.

Michael Jackson. Where do you start with Michael Jackson? I’ll try. Tremendously talented. Amazing musical and singing skills. Equally impressive dancing moves. Friendly. Philanthropic…Lunatic.

Jackson died last Thursday at his home. He “met his maker,” “hung up his hat,” “went belly up,” and “ceased.” I was least affected by his passing in comparison to the other two we’ve discussed. Yes, Jackson had good music. Not great in my opinion. Yes, good dancer. But, good dancing is for fairies and women only. Who am I to comment on Michael Jackson, since I never met the guy? Well, nearly 20 years of court cases and acquisitions make it fairly clear I would never want Michael Jackson around any child I know. And if you think otherwise, you’re an idiot. If you say and truly believe that you would let Jackson spend time alone with your children or young relatives, then you deserve a mental evaluation of the most thorough variety. People were coming up with dead Michael Jackson jokes 10 years ago. Did you notice how quickly these jokes made everyday conversation? There’s usually a &ldq