Yet another delightful array of google searches brought scores of readers to our site in the last month. Here's just a few of the best...

Synonyms for dadgummed - We're not really that surprised that Roy is trying to expand his vocabulary, we're just a little shocked that he's using the crapnet as his resource. Surely Wanda has an old thesaurus sitting around the house somewhere.

download ace ventura alrighty then chant - We're not positive that the phrase "alrighty then" would technically qualify as a "chant," per se. Maybe you were thinking about "a-wimoweh?"

Diary of a Wimpy Kid Rodderick Rules-book report - We don't know a wimpy kid named Rodderick who keeps a diary, but we do know a wimpy kid named Redick who writes poetry. Hope that helps.

Pimento Cheese Spread, Car - We're pretty happy to be near the top of the list for google searches involving pimento cheese.

dookie meaning in middle eastern - Probably the same meaning that it has here. To the best of our knowledge, the Blue Devils are loathed all across the globe.

Mickie Krzyzewski mother Marge - That gives us a good idea. We're going to go ahead and perpetuate the rumor that Marge Schott was Mickie Krzyzewski's mother. Wouldn't really be that much of a stretch.

while standing at the water cooler monday after the game, it will still be - ...WILL STILL BE WHAT, MAN???? DON'T LEAVE US HANGING!! At least let us know what game you're talking about.

Forest City Owls Bojangles deal sign coastal plain league outfield - This is just a great example of the trusty ol' archives containing nearly every word possible. Forest City--well, that's where Chad Flack is from. Owls? Well, we played the Rice Owls in the College World Series. Bojangle's is obvious; there's no telling how many times we've scored 100 in the Dean Dome since this site started. You get the idea...

SASHA KAUN HAS HE GONE BACK TO RUSSIA - NO HE HASNT HE'S TRYING OUT FOR THE NBA DRAFT. To be more specific (and to use proper punctuation, grammar, and capitalization), according to the Lawrence Journal-World, Sasha "likely won’t be tapped in the NBA Draft but nonetheless likely will strike it rich in the Russian pro leagues." So there ya go. Always happy to help.

"avoid thinking about" cwc - Why would you ever want to avoid thinking about CWC?

water cooler for church - Yep, this is the one. We try to keep it family friendly.

Which golfer once sprained their thumb in a pillow fight just before a series of exhibition matches? - If Lee Melchionni played golf, he would probably be the answer to this question.

I hope your Memorial Day weekend was fantastic! It’s truly hard to top the excitement that surrounds the un-official beginning of summer, but we’ll try to do it this week with..drum roll please…midget wrestling. I’d like to start by saying that I have absolutely no intention of offending small people, midgets, or their families with this column. I’m simply relaying a truly American and awesome sport that I knew little about before I got here…There are approximately 2 million puns I could make in this week’s column, but I’m going to be the bigger man and keep it clean.

I first heard about “professional” midget wrestling when I moved to Arkansas. Professional is a term that we should use loosely here, because these fellas ain’t exactly breaking the bank. The name of the organization is the MWO which stands for Midget World Order. These wrestlers get paid to appear and beat the heck out of each other at sporting venues, bars, and anywhere else party people go in the South.

Apparently the baseball team overe here in Little Rock has been bringing midget wrestling to the stadium each summer for 14 years! I’m not sure how much each appearance costs, but it’s a small price to pay for the all the excitement and joy that midget wrestling brings. The fans here already come to the ballpark on Friday nights to drink some beers and have fun, but the Friday night that midget wrestling came to town was unbelievable. We broke an attendance record with 8,868 folks in the stands, and I think each one enjoyed at least 3 frosty beverages. Right off the bat it was apparent that something special was going down the night the midgets came to town.

The crew got to meet the two championship contenders about 2 hours before the highly anticipated match. It’s amazing how intimidating two midget wrestlers can be. There are 6 guys on our crew, but all of us were too afraid to ask for a picture with them. We convinced the general manager Pete Laven to ask for us. “Beautiful Bobby” and “Little Kato” were very friendly and agreed to take the picture with us. There’s something about uncomfortable situations that bring out the best in me--as the two championship contenders walked over after agreeing to pose with us, my mouth spit out the following sentence: “Thanks guys. You’re cool with this right?” They handled this off-handed comment pretty well. They didn’t say anything, but they looked at me as if to say, “If you patronize us with one more idiotic comment we’re going to beat you. Now look at the camera and smile short, non-midget boy.”

Later we got to meet the referee. I forget his name, but he had forearms the size of my legs, and they were covered in sweet tattoos. He also had a long ponytail that could kill…It was enough to make Steven Seagal blush.

As we finished setting up the ring, I noticed that several of the Arkansas Travelers AND the Northwest Arkansas Natural players were coming out of their respective clubhouses early, and they were bringing chairs. They started to set them up around the ring, and there was some friendly fighting over prime viewing spots. This is when I realized that something truly American and awesome was about to happen. The baseball players are used to being the show, but on this date they took a back seat to watch and enjoy the real entertainment of the night: “Beautiful Bobby” vs. “Little Kato” for the MWO championship belt.

“Beautiful Bobby” is in his 40s and his wrestling days are numbered. He’s a fan favorite and he’s constantly battling back from “career threatening” back and leg injuries. “Little Kato” is the young hotshot who does anything to win. He cheats, he hits below the belt, and he stinks. It was a classic Good vs. Evil battle just like the gunfights John Wayne got himself into in his timeless westerns that I love so much.

“Beautiful Bobby” had the fans behind him throughout the best of three championship series. “Little Kato” constantly flipped off the crowd and yelled at them in response to their taunts and jeers. Long story short, “Little Kato” took the first match and “Beautiful Bobby” took the last two matches to take the championship belt. “Little Kato” was finished off with a trash can lid to the head and a body slam on top of the 20 gallon barrel. The players went nuts, the fans went nuts, and I went nuts. A great historical American theme presented itself again: Good defeated Evil in a classic battle. “Little Kato” took the slow and disappointing walk back to the showers.

“Beautiful Bobby” was given a true champions exit with a ride in the ballpark golf cart. He put on his shiny robe and held his championship belt high as he rode around the warning track waving to his loyal fans. The joyous fans didn’t know how much pain “Beautiful Bobby” was in. His knees ached, his joints were swollen, and the pain in his back made it hard to stand up straight. He stood tall for the fans because he knew how much they needed a hero during these hard times…If you were able to get close on that Friday afternoon and take a good look at Bobby’s face, you’d see his smile looked out of place; if you looked closer it’d be easier to trace the tracks of his tears…The golf cart puttered slowly up the stadium ramp into the shadows created by the fading summer sun. I don’t know where “Beautiful Bobby” is today, and I don’t know if he’ll ever come back to this town. That may have been his last fight. But as long as there’s a need for justice out here in the West, something tells me “Beautiful Bobby” will always be ready. Here’s to you “B.B.” You’re a true American.

Muffin (short, non-midget guy on the back row), Beautiful Bobby (in front of Muffin) and Little Kato (red shorts).

AMERICANA MONDAY UPDATES:

1. In regards to a previous debate about which is more American; Golden Corral or CiCi’s Pizza: I stand by my verdict that Golden Corral is more American, but a Golden Corral over here in Little Rock, AR is of concern to me. This particular one has only one toilet…if you eat at Golden Corral often you know how un-American, nay, in-humane this is.

2. A co-worker of mine said something so ridiculous and un-American that I had to post it all over the world-wide-net-web. He shall remain un-named because I’m feeling nice today. Anyway, there’s another co-worker of ours who is a female and has the nickname Pocohantas. There has been a creeping suspision that Pochonatas and this guy have a thing for one another. So, some of us started calling him John Smith one day, to which he replied, “Who is John Smith?” We laughed until we found out he was serious. This guy didn’t know who John flippin’ Smith was. Are you kidding me? UN-AMERICAN.

Dear Joseph,

It's been a while, man. How is everything over in Bologna? We've actually been hoping that Carolina Water Cooler could start selling Fortitudo Bologna jerseys with your name on the back. Any idea what kind of licensing issues we might encounter there?

Anyway, we were just sitting around the other day thinking about all of the good times--not so much your college career, but mostly your days in the NBA. Who can forget that time that you were injured and wore a Scooby-Doo t-shirt on the Celtics bench? Or the time that you endeared yourself to all of your teammates when you wore a Lakers jersey in the Celts locker room?

Then there was the year in Seattle. That's when you really expanded your horizons, adding a littany of off-the-court heroics to your 1.2 points per game average. There was the constant singing in the shower after losses--again solidifying your relationship with your new teammates. Then there was the gun charge. And the marijuana charge. And that time that you punched a guy in the face in Woollen and then got pulled over for driving well over 100 mph.

Then came the mountaintop. Literally. That season in the D-League playing for the Asheville Altitude was the crown jewel for your resume. We'd never thought of it this way until this very moment, but it now makes sense why you went to Europe after the Asheville experience--you'd accomplished everything that you could basketball-wise in these United States.

How about old Dematha High teammate Keith Bogans. Ever talk to him? He certainly hasn't hit the big time yet like you (he's toiling away in Orlando, trying to get out of J.J. Redick's shadow), but he's still young too. Maybe his ship will come in someday.

Listen, maybe you can help us out with a little situation we have on our hands here. It seems that a bunch of our guys want to play NBA basketball. And if that was their goal eventually, that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. But they want in right now. In fact, a couple of them are apparently in the midst of negotiations that would allow them to play in the NBA Finals next week.

Of course, this wouldn't be a problem, except for the fact that several fans are upset with the situation. Hundreds of thousands of people have evidently abused their Facebook and MySpace privileges to tell these players that leaving for the NBA now is not in their best interest. We were wondering if maybe you send out a press release or make a statement of some kind (we'd be happy to post it here) that would help ease the minds of these nervous folks. Maybe you could gently remind them how they told you that leaving early was a bad idea, and then how they were forced to sit back and watch your meteoric rise to the pinnacle of professional basketball. That should shut 'em up.

We're sure that you probably have somebody reading this for you, since you're most likely out hopping the bars of Bologna with some smokin' hot Italian chicks. But if by any chance this comes across your desk, please do whatever you can to help us quell this firestorm here in Chapel Hill.

You're our only hope, Joseph.

Cheers,

Stillman and Dave

Welcome back! Happy Memorial Day to all of you! On Memorial Day we honor all of those who died while serving in the US military. It’s also the un-official beginning of summer. I love it when people call Memorial Day the beginning of summer. That in itself is American because we don’t sit back and wait for the Summer Solstice before we declare the changing of the seasons. Who cares about all of that scientific junk? If it’s hot outside and there are mullet-heads running around with their shirts off, then it’s summer; if the Diamond Heels are about to tear up the dirt in the NCAA tournament, then it’s summer; if the Kings and Queens of the local trailer parks are saving up every last dime to get the finest, best-equipped, and most up-to-date bug zapper, then it’s summer, by golly.

Today’s topic is Astro Turf. I’m sick and tired of people sitting back and letting Astro Turf take over where beautiful green grass once was. It’s un-American. And besides, sit back for a second and think about how many peaceful Fire-Ant ecosystems have been eradicated because of Astro Turf. It’s a shame. What are we supposed to light on fire with magnifying glasses now?

Astro Turf was invented in 1965 and patented in 1967 by a company named Monsato. The Astro Turf division consolidated in 1986 and opened up its headquarters in Dalton, Georgia. The day Astro Turf became an LLC (limited liability corporation) was one of the darkest days in our history. Heck, while we were at it, we should have just taken the stars off of our flag and painted the white stripes red like the communists we were acting like on that day.

There just aren’t enough positives associated with Astro Turf to outweigh the negatives. It allows us to play outdoor sports inside…this doesn’t even make sense. You don’t see people bowling or playing darts outside do you? No, so why do we have people playing baseball and football inside? Astro Turf allows sports and recreational organizations to save money on the cost of field care…great idea. Let’s outsource some more American jobs; brilliant. There aren’t really any more positives to Astro Turf. It has evolved quite a bit over the last 20 years. It’s more like real grass with tiny synthetic grass blades and a rubber base to allow for softer landings, but it’s still garbage.

Let’s look at the negatives shall we? Have you ever seen pictures or videos of professional Japanese baseball games? If you have, you probably noticed one constant…Astro Turf. All of their stadiums--check that--all of their domes look the same. No playing surface is unique in Japan…they’re fake and they're bland. Do you see what we risk by using Astro Turf? Remember how similar the fields at the Astrodome, Kingdome, and the old Busch Stadium (before they installed real grass) looked? By using Astro Turf, we stand to lose a significant portion of the individualism that makes America, America.

Another negative of Astro Turf is all of the injuries. This is a big reason so many franchises have come to their senses and installed real grass. Athletes are much more likely to sprain an ankle, tear an ACL or MCL, and get “turf toe” on rigid surfaces like Astro Turf. What the heck is “turf toe” anyway? Besides being extremely fun to say due to its inherent alliteration, there’s nothing cool about it. Here’s the definition from Wikipedia: “The injury occurs when someone or something falls on the back of the calf while that leg's knee and tips of the toes are touching the ground. The toe is hyperextended and thus the joint is injured.” Lame.

If we would have our athletes play sports on the beautiful grass that God gave us, then turf toe wouldn’t be a problem.

Astro Turf ain’t American. Period. There’s more I could say, but the NCAA baseball selection show just came on.

When it happened:
January 1, 1998

Where it happened:
Jacksonville, Florida’s Alltel Stadium (which is now referred to as Jacksonville Municipal Stadium). Not to be confused with Charlotte, North Carolina’s Bank of America Stadium (which was formerly known as Ericsson Stadium). Apparently telecommunications companies are moving away from spending trillions of dollars to own the rights to stadium names.

Why it happened:
North Carolina had just finished a 10-1 regular season, including a 7-1 conference record, with their lone blemish at the hands of Florida State. That’s not as bad as it sounds now – the Seminoles used to be quite the powerhouse before Bobby Bowden went a little off his rocker. The Heels’ failure to finish first in the ACC meant they didn’t get an automatic Alliance Bowl berth, and their failure to possess any football history or tradition meant they’d be snubbed of an at large berth.

Meanwhile, Virginia Tech had just concluded a disappointing 7-4 season, with back-to-back losses at Pittsburgh and arch rival Virginia to close out the season. Despite their subpar on-field performance, proud VT fans still believed their tradition rich Hokies had a good chance of upsetting the Heels and proving once and for all that they could compete in the ACC if only they were given the opportunity.

Why it was important:
Mack Brown had just abandoned the University of North Carolina to take the head coaching job at the University of Texas, despite his repeated denials of rumors circulating that he’d accepted the job. Upon Brown’s departure, Athletic Director Dick Baddour conducted an exhaustive search for potential replacements, beginning with Defensive Coordinator Carl Torbush and ending with Defensive Coordinator Carl Torbush. Torbush needed a win in his first game as Head Coach in order to get his tenure off to a strong start. It would also show Mack Brown that the grass isn’t always greener in the cow pasture – it’s not like the ‘Horns have been invited to the Gator Bowl since he took over the reins in Austin.

What happened:
Torbush and the Heels jumped all over Virginia Tech, scoring 10 points in the first 10 minutes, including a 62 yard pass from Chris Keldorf to Octavus Barnes. After that, Carolina decided to beat Frank Beamer at his own game (“Beamer Ball”). They blocked a punt late in the first quarter, which Dre Bly returned for a touchdown. In the second, the Hokies fumbled in the end zone and Greg Ellis recovered it for another non-offensive TD. Things didn’t improve much for VT in the second half, and North Carolina went on to hand them their worst bowl loss in school history, winning by a final tally of 42-3.

How things played out after that game:
For Torbush and the Heels, the 42-3 win over the Hokies was the beginning of the “Carl Torbush Golden Era.” Unfortunately for all involved, the 42-3 win over the Hokies was also the end of the “Carl Torbush Golden Era.” The state of the football program deteriorated quickly, and Torbush was eventually fired twice for his blunders. John Bunting was then brought in to be the Tar Heel programs’ knight in shining armor. As it turned out, his armor had a few chinks in it, which were exploited by powerhouse schools such as Miami (OH), Syracuse, Utah, Rutgers, and South Florida.

Despite putting Carolina fans through nine pretty brutal years of football, Dick Baddour was vindicated in his decision not to match the salary offer the Longhorns gave Mack Brown. Sure, Texas went on to achieve some success, but if it took Mack nearly a decade to win a National Championship at a football school, imagine how long Heel fans would have been waiting if he’d stayed in Chapel Hill – a women’s soccer school.

Do you know what America’s leading export is? Three, two, one…time’s up. It’s entertainment…I think. At least that’s what the guy at the flea market said. Anyway, one of America’s finest shows is “Deal or No Deal!” In this weeks installment, I’d like to take you back to how I came to know and love this emmy-worthy show…

The FIRST TIME I watched "Deal or No Deal," I wanted to shove a pitch fork through my spleen.

The SECOND TIME I watched "Deal or No Deal," I considered ramming my head into the television screen in order to kill two birds with one stone. The first bird being the TV that allowed this non-sense to corrupt my life, and the second being my ability to be conscious.

The THIRD TIME I watched "Deal or No Deal," it didn't cause me any agony or cause me to wish physical pain upon myself.

The FOURTH TIME I watched "Deal or No Deal," I was free from worries and anxiety for an entire hour. I was completely entertained and engaged, and I'm fairly certain that the joyous experience actually added years to my life.

What are we to make of this? Something that seemed so horrid and repulsive at first is now something I look forward to on a daily basis (especially on Mondays and Wednesdays when new episodes air). So again, what do we make of this?

Is it of Satan?

No, I don't think so, but it does have a dangerous addictive quality.

Is it of God?

Not sure....wouldn't every contestant win $1 million if it was?

Well, we just have to break it down and see exactly what it is that makes "Deal or No Deal" special. 3 things make it spectacular and a must see. 1) The contestants and their lack of intelligence and lack of skill in logic. 2) Howie Mandel: An Emmy-winning entertainer who is a cross between Bob Barker and Robin Williams. 3) The ladies.

1. The contestants are idiots. They say stuff like, "I told myself that if I got offered $200,000, I would take the deal and pay off all of my loans and help my family...but I just can't stop now; I'm going to win the million!" Idiots. Some of these contestants come on the show talking about how much they need the money and then they poop it away because of greed…but mostly because of stupidity. I love it! Watching people in misery after pooping away thousands of dollars is great! Why? Because it's not you! It's some other poor soul who was too dumb to know a good thing when it hit them in the face.

2. Howie Mandel. Like Bob Barker, he is an Emmy-winning entertainer. Mandel has added the right dose of game show sensibility and comedy to create a fantastic sidebar to the show. His lines are priceless: "Deal?" (as he holds his hands together just below his nose and waits for 5 seconds of slience)..."Or no deal?" (as he then opens his hands and points them palm-up towards the contestant as if to say, "I know you're having a tough time partner, but give me a flippin' answer.") Mandel is also a germ-a-phobe, and he is afraid to shake hands. Seriously, watch him! He never shakes...he only gives "pounds." I keep watching for the day that some contestant just flips out and is so excited that they grab his hand. What will he do?!?!

3. The ladies. Brilliant idea. It's good to know that women are still seen as simply eye candy somewhere. Just kidding. But seriously. No, I'm just kidding. But, isn't it surprising that some politically correct whack job hasn't come along and dismissed the show as “sexist” and “repulsive?” I think so, but I'm not complaining!

The FIFTIETH time I watched "Deal or No Deal," I wrote a column about it, and suggested that you watch it too.

As is Carolina Water Cooler’s custom, with baseball season winding down, it’s time to pick up the pace of our coverage of America’s past time.

12:48 – I’m positioned on the couch a full 12 minutes early for the Carolina baseball team’s regular season finale against the Hurricanes of Miami. To top it off, I’m watching The Baseball Report on Fox Sports.

12:54 – Not gonna lie…The Baseball Report is pretty bad. Surely there’s someone out there that has at least comparable looks to this Charissa Thompson character but is also a decent anchor.

1:01 – Mike Hogewood and Dan Bonner are so versatile.

1:09 – I see televised baseball is just like televised basketball – it begins 10 minutes later than the scheduled start time.

1:15 – The top half of the first inning comes to a close with the Heels still scoreless and Kristin asleep already.

1:19 – Unbelievable! Matt Harvey is on pace for a no-hitter. One away in the first.

1:20 – Base hit for the Canes. There goes the no-hitter, but a shut out is still an option.

1:31 – It’s still the bottom of the first. This statement should help you to deduce that the shut out is off the table. 2-0, Miami.

1:37 – Ever wonder what it might be like to live with Mike Hogewood? He has the ability to make even the most mundane of accomplishments sound like a grand slam in the bottom of the ninth of game seven of the World Series. Do you think when he’s at home he ever just says stuff like “and Mike, Jr. loads the dishwasher with ease!”

1:45 – Carolina doubles twice in the top half of the second to cut Miami’s lead in half.

1:53 – I don’t have the official stats in front of me, but by my count Matt Harvey has thrown 237 pitches through two innings. Of those, 211 have been balls.

1:58 – One of my favorite things about college baseball is the songs they play throughout the course of the game. For instance, as Matt Harvey was just removed from the game the Canes played “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter. What a last name that guy has. Powter.

2:01 – Seth Williams falls down in center field, turning out three into a two run double. I’m unclear why it wasn’t ruled an error, but that’s neither here nor there.

2:14 – Solid Carolina hitting and crappy Miami fielding have allowed the Heels to tie it at four as the top half of the third concludes.

2:21 – Dan Bonner hasn’t completed a sentence since prior to the game when he said “Good afternoon, I’m Dan Bonner.” Come to think of it, Mike Hogewood introduced them both, so Danny hasn’t finished a sentence all day.

2:29 – Oooh, another great thing about baseball – a coach arguing with the umpire! Of course, in this case Miami’s coach is clearly wrong, but it’s fun to watch nonetheless.

2:32 – And the Canes pull their starting pitcher in the top of the fourth with two on and nobody out. It’ll be a battle of the bullpens from here on out.

2:36 – If I were a relief pitcher, I’d really want to be allowed to pitch to more than one batter before being removed from the game. Regardless, Miami moves on to pitcher numero tres, David Gutierrez.

2:40 – And the Heels take a 5-4 lead! At the pace runs have been scored so far, that means very little.

2:41 – Hit into left center, 7-4 good guys. This game is on pace to take about 7 hours with 82 runs scored.

2:50 – I love how when a pitcher screws something up, they blame it on the ball and request a new one.

3:01 – Stillman’s here! I think he was planning on coming around the eighth inning but got tired of waiting. So he’s arrived during the fifth.

3:09 – We’re up 9-4 now. I’d love to tell you how we scored, but Stillman has been distracting me by making the bitter beer face after eating a sour strawberry.

3:25 – The Heels now lead 12-4. Stillman has again distracted me from being able to tell you exactly how the last three runs were scored. We’re having some creative differences on a new feature idea we’re working on.

4:00 – Home run for the Canes cuts it to 12-10, then Wooten plunks the next batter. The umpire has warned both teams, as though the Heels intentionally put another runner on base.

4:26 – You’re not going to believe this, but this game is still going on. Worse yet, since my last entry 26 minutes ago, not a single run has crossed the plate. We head to the bottom of the ninth with the Heels up two.

4:33 - What time does the Preakness start? Am I going to have to decide between watching the end of this game and the race?

4:39 – What a game! The Heels emerge with a 12-11 victory and become the first team to take a series from the Hurricanes this season. You might want to start gearing up now for what is sure to be a fantastic, if four month long, ACC Tourney.

With only nine losses on the season, a 20-6 conference record, and the nation's number two ranking, you'd think the Diamond Heels would have had trouble finding a team that could challenge them on this final weekend of the college baseball regular season.

But with only six losses on the season, a 22-3 conference record, and the nation's number one ranking, the Miami Hurricanes are one such team. It's almost as if these two teams have spent the entire season on a collision course for this series, like two freight trains hurtling toward each other, one of them having left Chapel Hill at 7:32 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other having left Coral Gables at 3:57 pm traveling at 45 mph.

Unfortunately for Carolina, they seem to have never gotten off of their algebraic train on Thursday night. Miami dominated the first game of the series, walking away with a 12-2 victory.

As a tune up for this weekend's series, the Hurricanes spent their Tuesday evening beating up on the Ospreys of North Florida, a team that Carolina defeated twice just last week in a series that was billed as "slightly more exciting than women's basketball but slightly less exciting than the first scissor cut into a new piece of construction paper."

Strangely enough, four of Miami's six losses this season have come against teams with the word "Florida" somewhere in their name: Florida, Florida State, Florida Atlantic, and Florida International. They also lost an exhibition game to the Florida Marlins and needed extra innings to defeat Florida Gulf Coast. However, Democratic Party officials have ruled that none of those losses will count because Barack Obama wasn't even on the ballot in Florida during any of those games.

Eric Erickson will take the mound for the Hurricanes on Friday night where he'll look to improve his record to 8-0 on the season. Despite the lack of creativity that his parents exhibited during the naming process, Erickson is actually from Sarasota, and not the son of a couple of uninventive Scandanavians. But not to be outdone in the creativity department, Erickson's Hurricane teammates refer to him simply as "E."

In the bullpen, Jason Santana provides an intimidating presence, largely because his name is the same as Johan Santana if only you replace the "s" with an "h." And then switch a couple of letters around.

Junior second baseman Jemille Weeks is wrapping up yet another stellar year at the plate. With a .375 average, he's accomplished the rare feat of hitting the ball twice as well as his brother Rickie, who's batting .190 for the Milwaukee Brewers.

If you happen to be traveling down to Coral Gables for Friday and Saturday night's games, you might consider stopping on your way back home to spend a night at the WildLife on Easy Street Bed & Breakfast on the outskirts of Tampa, where you can spend the night cuddling with one of your favorite endangered felines for a donation of just $100 to the local animal refuge. You can choose a baby bobcat, cougar or leopard. Dead serious.

Dear Coach Dawkins,

According to our sources (ESPN, CNNSI, Stanford University, Duke University, etc.), you've recently been appointed the title of “Anne and Tony Joseph Director of Men's Basketball” at Stanford University.  That’s quite the prestigious title, even if it is just west coast speak for “head coach.” Allow us to be one of the last websites to extend to you a congratulatory cyber handshake.  Better late than never!

We don't know what we're going to do with you gone.  Without your halftime interviews, how will we ever know what Coach K is thinking?  Looking back, we really regret never writing a “What Johnny Dawkins Wanted to Say,” but who knows – maybe sometime during your Stanford tenure you’ll get to take on the Heels and we can write one then.

Now that you’ve moved from Associate Head Coach to Actual Head Coach, will you be farming out your media responsibilities to a low level peon or will you continue to do the hard work that has brought you to the top?  Before answering, keep in mind that Erin Andrews is often the questioner.

You know what’s odd? Just last week, we wrote a letter to one Jonathan Clay Redick to (amongst other things) congratulate him on having his jersey retired by Duke University.  As rare an achievement as that is, who knew how quickly we'd have the opportunity to write to another Blue Devil with his number retired?

Speaking of your accomplishments as a player, we know we’re a little late on this one, but congrats on being named the 78th best college basketball player in the 2002 book The Legends of College Basketball. Of course, after Tyler Hansbrough’s career concludes, you may want to brace yourself for a drop to number 79 in the revised edition – but hey, you can still tell people you made the top 80!

At Stanford, will you continue to be the leader of player development as you were at Duke, or will you assign that to one of your assistants? Can you imagine what an honor it would be for the assistant you choose to fill that role? To be able to learn from the man who developed the likes of Casey Sanders, Shavlik Randolph, and Michael Thompson would truly be a resume building experience.

Since you now coach in the PAC-10, after we send this letter it’ll probably be a while before we think about you again. But we wish you the best of luck during your time in California – no matter how long (or short) it may be.

Yours truly,

Stillman and Dave

Once again, the time has come to unveil the most bizarre Google hits that brought people to Carolina Water Cooler in the last month. Lots of Duke love this time around...

1) Bonnie Laettner neck brace picture - Sorry, we can't provide you with any such picture. However, we'll be happy to indulge you with this story, courtesy of the new online Sports Illustrated Vault (a rather handy bit of technology):

"While the most overworked expression in basketball's lexicon has come to be 'he stepped up,' Laettner has become notorious for having stepped down on the chest of Kentucky's Aminu Timberlake in that instantly classic East Regional championship game on March 28, which Laettner won with a miraculous last-second shot. How notorious? During their car trip to the Final Four from their home in Angola, N.Y., Christian's mother, father and two sisters heard a radio show host criticize Christian for the stomping incident. "Did you see Laettner's mother on TV?" said the announcer, referring to the fact that Bonnie Laettner was wearing a neck brace after surgery for a degenerative disk. "He must have stepped on her neck."

2) duke huddle email spoof battier wojo - Huh?

3) "clemson university" "groom" "cheating" "wedding" "photos" - Probably excessive use of the quotation marks in this particular search, but an intriguing inquiry nonetheless.

4) "50 nifty states song" - "Fifty, nifty United States, from thirteen original co-lo-nies..." This song was a big topic of discussion on our radio show once. Remember Carolina Water Cooler Radio? Those were good days. Except for that time that we talked about the Fifty Nifty States song. That was several minutes that nobody involved will ever get back.

5) Wes Matthews being choked by Xavier McDonald - You probably would have had better luck if you'd googled Xavier McDaniel instead, but we try to be helpful whenever possible. Here's your picture:

6) "why women's basketball is better" - This topic was once an article on this very site. We can only assume that the googler here was Sylvia Hatchell, and her disgust with our parody was the main impetus behind her earnest, albeit brief, discussions with the University of South Carolina.

7) mike hogewood basketball hyphen - After flipping through our hefty rolodex of "Mike Hogewood Punctuation Jokes," we just couldn't decide which one fit best for this situation. Seriously though, no idea what they were going for here.

8) Coach Krzyzewski's wife pics - It's a little disturbing to think that someone out there wants to see pictures of Mickie.

9) pronunciation posterize - Seriously? How could the pronunciation even be debatable on this? Are we to infer that there's some guy out there pronouncing it postereeze? Can't you picture this guy ballin' it up at Rucker Park? "Aw man, you just got postereezed! I mean, I'm not trying to sensationaleeze it, but that dunk was worthy of a Nobel Preeze, man!" Who are these people?

10) roy williams wears jayhawks shirt baddour reaction - That's a good question. What did Dickie think about that? At the very least, he could have pulled a fire-him-and-hire-him-right-back deal like he did with Torbush.

Dear J.J.,

Congratulations! There’s really very little else that we can say to you. At the ripe age of 23, you’ve already achieved Dave’s lifelong goal. Every day you go to work, sit around and do nothing, and get paid for it. (Sure, that may be what Dave does every day too, but he doesn’t get paid $2,000,160 a year for it.)

Also, congratulations on being owned by 0.2% of Fantasy Owners in ESPN’s Fantasy Basketball League. Did you know that if you add your percentage of ownership to Tim Duncan’s percentage of ownership it totals exactly 100%? That’s quite impressive!

We’d like to also send along our belated congratulations on having your jersey number retired by Duke University. It’s common knowledge that North Carolina will retire the jersey of any Joe Schmoe that dons the light blue, but to become only the thirteenth Blue Devil to receive this honor is truly a great accomplishment for you.

This letter isn’t all congratulatory, however. We’d also like to offer our condolences on the fact that Tyler Hansbrough is returning for his senior season, virtually assuring that he will obliterate nearly every one of your long-standing scoring records. If it makes you feel any better, he did it by shooting almost exclusively simple little shots from in the paint. He made very few of those difficult long range shots that you employed (and for which you certainly should have been awarded more than three points). In fact, we can only think of one three pointer Hansbrough has made in his collegiate career, and he made it when the game was already practically out of reach for the opponent.

We know this prose is likely difficult for you to read, but we’re just not as good with iambic pentameter as you are. We’ve heard rumors that you’re looking to get out of Orlando. If that’s the case, feel free to submit your resume as well as a portfolio of some of your work to us. We’re always looking for talented new writers to join our staff. Of course, we’d need to perform a criminal background check, but for someone like you that’s really just a formality.

Anyway, we know you’re a busy guy, so if it’s easier for you to respond to us via your blog, feel free to do so. (Just so you know: one of our most popular features is our “View from the Couch.” If you’d like to attract more readers to your blog, perhaps you should consider adding a “View from the Bench” to your blog entry repertoire.)

Best of luck during the remainder of the playoffs. Coming back from a 2-0 deficit against the Pistons will be difficult, but if anybody can pull off that kind of shocker it’s you.

Your pals,

Stillman and Dave

Welcome back! Last week we had a debate. This week, there will be no debate. We’re going to talk about something that is undeniably un-American. It’s more un-American than the NHL playoffs.

First let’s talk about something that is American: baseball. Whether you like the sport or not, it’s as American as Dollywood. Baseball has its traditions: hotdogs, the seventh-inning stretch, Take Me Out to the Ballgame, ice cold beers, etc. Another tradition that is especially prevalent in minor league baseball is the mascot race. Fellow North Carolinians should be very familiar with minor league baseball and mascot races since North Carolina has an astounding 10 minor league teams. If you’re not familiar with mascot races, they’re simple. The home team’s mascot races a young kid around the base-paths between one of the innings. It’s kind of like watching Wile E. Coyote chase after that pesky Road Runner…you know who’s going to win, but it’s still fun to watch!

If you’re from the Triangle, you may be familiar with the one and only Wool E. Bull. If you’re from the Triad, you may know Wally the Warthog from Winston-Salem. If you’re from the mountains, you know and love Ted E. Tourist the Bear from Asheville. They all have something in common in that they’ve never won a mascot race except for on their birthdays when they race another mascot. That’s how it should be. The kid always wins. The kid loves it, the crowd loves it, and the players love it. We all love watching the mascot lose. Sometimes the mascot is just too tired to make it all the way around the bases; sometimes he trips over a base; sometimes he sees something shiny and gets distracted…for whatever reason he just can’t seem to get right, and we love it!

For the record, I am living in Little Rock, Arkansas for the summer as a member of the grounds crew for the Arkansas Travelers, a double-A team in the Texas League. The mascot here is Shelly. Shelly is a cross-eyed horse with buck teeth…I wish I was making that up. Anyway, I witnessed something so un-American this past week at the ballpark that it made me think for a split-second that I was in North Korea or Canada. I will now relay to you 3 separate accounts of this disastrous event.

ACCOUNT 1: Lance, the on-field MC

Lance is responsible for pumping up the crowd. He goes onto the field between innings with a microphone and talks to the fans about the on-field promotions. On Thursday night, in the middle of the second inning, Lance was at his normal post close to the third base dugout where the finish line for the mascot race is. Although you couldn’t hear it in his voice, Lance was concerned because before he and “Shelly” took the field they had this conversation:

Shelly: “How old is this kid?”

Lance: “He just turned 9.”

Shelly: “Then he’s old enough…”

Before Lance had a chance to investigate, it was too late to ask questions. The show had to go on…

ACCOUNT 2: Phil, the radio broadcaster

Phil Elson is one of the finest radio broadcasters in the business. Woody Durham would most likely high-five Phil if he listened to a Travelers broadcast. Anyway, Phil very rarely pays attention to the on-field promotions between innings because he’s busy making sure his scorebook is accurate or he’s looking through notes. But on this night, he couldn’t help but notice the catastrophe on the field. Here is a transcript of Phil’s broadcast after the commercial break following the top of the second inning: “Well, you never know what’s gonna happen between innings at Dickey-Stephens Park. I think we just had a first in the history of Travs Baseball. The Travs mascot …(silence)… Shelly… (silence)…beat the kid…He won. Shelly won the mascot race between the top and bottom of the second inning. Now I will let you know that that is not suppose to happen. I don’t knot what script Shelly is going by or what kind of performance-enhancing horse-feed Shelly is eating, but we’re going to have to suspend him for that.”

ACCOUNT 3: Your boy, the Muffin

I was sitting beyond the left-field wall in the grounds crew pit. I was on top of a tall stack of bagged infield rock. Before the race, I said the same thing to myself that I do before every mascot race I’ve ever seen. I said, “alright, beat this kid. He/she ain’t nothing. You got it mascot! Take this dude down! Just once, man up and beat this kid! NO MERCY!!!” Well, I never knew how much I didn’t really want this to happen until it happened. I sat there and watched the race take place. They started at first base. Shelly and the boy touched second at the same time. Shelly took a slight lead between 2nd and 3rd. This was typical. I fully expected a player to close-line Shelly, or for Shelly to trip, or for Shelly to get tired and bend over with his hands on his knees and give up. Shelly touched third base first and kept going. This was very odd. Shelly extended his hands and touched the finish-line banner before the young boy did. At first, I laughed hysterically for 5 seconds. Then a feeling of pure shock and horror overtook me. What in the heck had just happened? I could feel my face turn white. The fans were confused too. They usually boo when something happens that they dissaprove of, but they didn’t have time to react. This was too much. The stadium was silent. Lance, who ALWAYS has something to say didn’t know what to say: “Whoah…(extended silence)…wow…man…Shelly won. Shelly won the mascot race. How about that…I don’t think I’ve ever seen that.” I looked over to my fellow employees and asked

“Did you see that?”

“Yeah…did Shelly win?” they responded.

“I think so,” I said. I got down and walked slowly up the tunnel to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall. I started crying, and I haven’t stopped yet. Why Shelly? WHY!? You communist horse! I hope you’re happy. You just ruined one of baseball’s and one of AMERICA’S most storied traditions. Way to go.

That my friends is as un-American as it gets.

In the days since the NBA draft declaration deadline passed, Carolina Water Cooler has expended all of its time and energy hacking into David Stern’s computer in order to obtain a copy of the list of every individual who's declared without an agent. The list was quite long, so below we’ve highlighted just the most interesting names:

Barack Obama – Obama didn’t waste any time getting his name out to the scouts, as he was in Chapel Hill playing pickup ball with the Heels earlier this week. While it's still unclear whether or not America is ready for a black president, the NBA's color barrier was broken decades ago.  The real question will be is whether Barack is black enough.

Miley Cyrus – After her brief foray into the world of "artsy" photography, Cyrus has been informed by Disney that she may only appear at events or in magazines that fall under the ABC/Walt Disney/ESPN umbrella.

Morgan Freeman – Inspired by his recent role in "The Bucket List," Freeman decided to throw his name in the hat in an attempt to fulfill one of his lifelong dreams before he kicks the bucket.  Jack Nicholson decided he was far too out of shape to be successful as a basketball player and will instead enter his name into the draft of a sport that requires minimal athletic ability - the Professional Bowlers Association Senior Tour.

George W. Bush - In a surprise move, given how skilled he was at avoiding the draft in his younger years, the current President of the United States decided to test the NBA waters, stating "I’ve been practicing running the four corners in Iraq for the last 4 years."

Adam Boone - After spending 13 years in college basketball, Boone has decided to throw his name in the hat instead of completing his final three seasons of eligibility.

Roger Clemens – With his baseball legacy in a freefall and his moral values under attack, Clemens decided a change in sport was just what he needed. Expect him to spend most of the pre-draft camps chatting with the cheerleaders.

Sidney Lowe - Contrary to previously reported reports, Lowe has not yet completed his online degree from St. Paul's College. Seeing no light at the end of the tunnel with his program in Raleigh, the Wolfpack's favorite son has decided to forsake the St. Paul's degree and take a second shot at the NBA. Perhaps the Timberwolves have been waiting for this day and held on to his favorite shorts.

Bill Gates - After losing more than $40 billion over the last decade and having abdicated his title of World's Richest Man to Warren Buffett, Gates has decided to leave Microsoft and declare for the draft, hoping to find a new stream of income to help feed his family. Since Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen owns the Portland Trail Blazers, rumors have already started running rampant that Allen has promised Gates that he'll be a lottery pick. Expect the fallout from this situation to be ugly as Microsoft stockholder Mike Krzyzewski has already expressed his dissatisfaction with both Allen and Gates, telling them that they're "effing his portfolio."

Oh…Ty Lawson, Wayne Ellington, and Danny Green were also on the list, but with all the talent previously mentioned, it seems unlikely any of them will crack the first round. Expect them all to return to Chapel Hill next season.

This week, we are going to engage in a difficult yet crucial debate. Some of you will likely jump to one side or the other right off the bat. Some of you will probably be torn to bits on this issue, but we must come to a consensus. We are going to determine which is more American: Golden Corral or CiCi’s Pizza.

I know what some of you are thinking right now… “Muffin, this is an easy one. Pizza ain’t American. It’s I-talian.”

Well, pizza may be an Italian dish, but I’ll tell you something right now; pizza topped with barbecued chicken, cheeseburger bits, and macaroni and cheese is distinctly American. FYI, pizza didn’t actually originate in Italy. Historians believe the Greeks or Romans are to thank for the delicious round mass of greasy, cheesy, saucy goodness.

Anyway, the debate will not be solely based on the food served at these glorious establishments. We will also consider what these restaurants represent and stand for. Our primary objective is to determine which one of these culinary masterpieces best embodies the Spirit of America. And yes, the “Spirit of America” is a real and tangible thing, and if you don’t agree, then you are most certainly a hippie or a communist.

Ok, let’s first take a look at the basics. Golden Corral opened in the great city of Fayetteville, North Carolina in 1973. They now have 476 franchises in 38 states. They have an absolutely splendid buffet that contains an array of foods including but not limited to carved and hot meats, pasta, pizza, veggies, salads, and desserts! Their company vision is "To be the leading family restaurant system by making pleasurable dining affordable for every guest, in every restaurant, every day." I don’t know why they tossed in the word “system,” but I like it. As if having a tip-top vision wasn’t enough, they also have a company mission which is, “to make pleasurable dining affordable.” However, they get negative cool points for ripping the company mission directly from the company vision. Lastly, Golden Corral was voted the #1 family buffet by “Nation’s Restaurant News” for the 10 th consecutive year in 2007! And we all know how prestigious the “Nation’s Restaurant News” is.

CiCi’s Pizza opened in the bland city of Plano, Texas in 1985. They now have approximately 600 franchises in 29 states. They have an endless pizza buffet with classic favorites and new creations. They also offer some pasta, some salad, and a decent selection of yummy and sweet desserts. They don’t have a “vision” but they do have a “mission” and it’s a good one: “To exceed each guest's expectation in food, service and cleanliness, all within CiCi's low all-you-can-eat price point.” Kind of poetic isn’t it? I got quite a good giggle out of the fact that CiCi’s Pizza also cites the “Nation’s Restaurant News” on their website: Cici’s is number one for sales and unit growth in the pizza chain category for the last 4 years. AWESOME!

Now for the intangibles.

PATRONS: A scientific poll showed that on a NASCAR race day, you have a 70% chance of walking up to any table in Golden Corral and asking, “Who won today?” and getting the correct answer. In CiCi’s pizza, you have only a 10% chance of getting this critical information. In CiCi’s pizza you will likely have to compete against throngs of ankle-biters celebrating birthdays which means less specialty pizza for you. In GC, the young ones are usually accompanied. One of my most memorable restaurant experiences happened at GC by the way. A young lad was standing in front of the bar where the macaroni and cheese usually sits. He looked on intently as a GC employee walked in the back to pick up a new batch. The child was focused and completely still as he waited there salivating. When the employee returned and placed the mac & cheese in its rightful place, the child promptly raised both hands over his head and pumped his arms three times before digging in. This was awesome. John Stillman was actually there that day, and I immediately relayed the story to him. Kids don’t make CiCi’s less American, but they do make it a touch more annoying…and to be annoying reminds me of France not America. Edge to GC.

SERVICE: Treating people the right way is truly American, so service is crucial in this debate. If there’s one thing CiCi’s employees learn in their intense and specialized training which I’m sure takes no less than 2 months, it’s to say “Hi! Welcome to CiCi’s!” when you walk in. When you leave, you will undoubtedly hear the words, “Thanks for coming to CiCi’s!” From my experience, they really seem to mean it. Although, they don’t always have the pizza you want, they usually have something to hold you over until what you want shows up. At Golden Corral, smiling faces and kind words are harder to come by. You get a waiter and/or waitress, but I would prefer to fill up my glass of Coke on my own since I’m already getting up to fill my plate with fried dead animals. The edge goes to CiCi’s.

FOOD: Yes, barbecued chicken pizza is distinctly American, but no one can deny Golden Corral’s traditional American food lineup. Fried meats and a better desert bar put GC over the top in this category.

AFFORDABILITY: Affordability is another crucial quality when it comes to being American. Everyone should be able to enjoy good food and good times. At GC, you’re looking at an average price of 13 bucks per person. At CiCi’s you’re looking at just under 6 dollars per person. Nowhere do you get more bang for your buck than CiCi’s pizza. Edge to CiCi’s.

THE VERDICT: First let me say that this is the hardest decision I’ve made since I was forced by a friend to choose my favorite John Wayne movie. I chose “The Undefeated”: a splendid film set in the tumultuous aftermath of the Civil War.

Anyway, I flip-flopped 3 times while writing this column. On the one hand, as one friend pointed out, GC represents America’s history as a “melting pot.” GC has a little bit of everything when it comes to food and patrons. Who knows what you’ll find. On the other hand, CiCi’s Pizza is growing at a tremendous pace with over 600 franchises at last check. MORE, MORE, MORE; a classic American ideal. But, although CiCi’s has more restaurants, Golden Corral has set up shop in more states (39)…When it came down to it, there was one x-factor that put Golden Corral over the top. Golden Corral allows veterans to eat free on Veterans Day. How cool and American is that?

May God Bless Golden Corral and America. That’s it and that’s all. Did you think it was possible to write this much on a debate between Golden Corral and CiCi’s pizza?

With the most recent women's basketball season now a few weeks in the past, it's finally time to turn our attention to Carolina Baseball. But before we dive into this weekend's games, we need to catch you up on everything that's happened with the program since we last had any coverage of the team.

First, a bunch of bulldozers rolled into town in the middle of the night and destroyed Boshamer Stadium. Then--just like those thousands of Northerners looking for a new home in the past two decades--the Diamond Heels moved to Cary.

While playing at their adopted home, the Heels have suffered a few moderately embarrassing losses to lower-tier teams like Old Dominion, Coastal Carolina, Elon, and N.C. State. (In the interest of full disclosure, we realize that a loss to one of these teams isn't really that embarrassing. Coastal Carolina is actually a Top 25 team, so they don't really fit in with this group of "lower-tier" teams). But those unfortunate losses notwithstanding, an impressive run through the conference schedule has the Heels looking at a record of 35-7, 16-4 in the ACC.

But despite the Heels' stellar record so far, a significant challenge lies in wait as the only two teams in the ACC with a better record (Florida State and Miami) still loom ahead on the schedule. In fact, the 'Noles and 'Canes are the only two teams currently ranked ahead of Carolina in the national polls.

This weekend, it will be the Seminoles who will travel to Cary in an attempt to knock off the two-time College World Series runners-up. "Runners-up" is a funny term. Seems like they could have called it "runner-ups." Though that sounds kinda funny too.

At any rate, the Seminoles (34-5, 18-3 ACC) will bring a roster full of offensive talent. Leading a contingent of eight Florida State players hitting better than .300 is junior catcher Buster Posey. Posey is batting an eye-popping .483 so far this season. Of course, when your parents call you Buster, you're pretty much destined to be a great athlete. It's just like Jeeves. If your parents name you Jeeves, then you must be a butler. There's no other choice. Or if they name you Keanu, you're pretty well locked into a career as a bad actor.

This weekend could end up playing a role in whether or not the Heels are chosen to once again host a Super Regional during this year's NCAA tournament. Currently ranked third in the country, Carolina is in good position to be one of the eight teams chosen to host, but with six games still to play against Miami and Florida State--not to mention the ACC tournament-- anything is possible.

In fact, winning games against these two ACC foes wouldn't necessarily guarantee anything. Mike Fox and his team would still have to persuade the un-elected Super Delegates to come over to their side, and that's always an inexact science.

This weekend's series will get cranked up on Friday evening at 7:00. If you can't make it to the game, you can always listen to the Venerable Jones Angell and the Great Adam Lucas as they call the action on the Tar Heel Sports Network. There's a chance that they'll talk some baseball during the broadcast, but there's an even greater chance that they'll find themselves talking about Legally Blonde or Facebook. So don't miss out.

As Carolina Water Cooler's brand new "off topic" columnist, The Muffin will be bringing you a slice of Americana every week. All views and opinions expressed in this column are most likely not endorsed by Dave, but are probably wholeheartedly agreed with by Stillman.


Hello, and welcome to Americana Monday’s with the Muffin. I would first like to say that I am truly honored to be a part of the CWC writing staff. This is most prestigious post I’ve held since I was a hall-monitor in third grade.

This will be an off-topic exploration into the great and unending world of Americana. So don’t worry; you won’t have to read anything in this column about the possibility of Tyler, Ty, and Wayne leaving for the Association. And you won’t have to read anything about the first half of the Final Four game against Kansas. And you won’t have to read anything about that Kansas sticker on Uncle Roy’s sweater during the championship…at least, from now on you won’t.

The powers that be here at Carolina Water Cooler have turned me loose, and they asked me of only two things. First, they told me that while with CWC, I need to keep it clean. They’ve got some nerve! I was quite offended by this request. I shower every day, and I was under the impression that they knew this. They need to give their own underarms a sniff every now and then before they go telling me to “keep it clean.” Second, they told me that this column needs to be awesome. That, my friends, will be up to you. I’ll do my best, but if things don’t work out, I’ll take my flag-waving, Star-Spangled Banner singing, NASCAR-watching tail somewhere else.

There are some things I’d like you to know about me. Number one: I love America. Number two: I hate hippies. And number three: I believe that if this nation still ran on the philosophy of the Old West, things probably wouldn’t be better, but I’d be a lot happier. I’ll explain all of this in due time.

In this column, I will primarily salute anything and everything that I believe represents or stands for the values and principles of this great nation. Some examples include the Dwight D. Eisenhower Interstate System, Bob Barker, those delightful quarters issued by the United States Mint honoring each of the 50 states, Mount Rushmore, and Golden Corral. I will also occassionally attack those things which I believe are entirely anti-American including hippies, the idea of being “politcally correct,” outrageous lawsuits, soccer, and Carrboro. Now hold on just a second; if you live in Carrboro, please let me explain. In general, I find Carrboro to be plenty American, but when I drive through downtown and see a girl that hasn’t showered in 3-5 days with dread locks down to her knees riding a bike right behind an emo-teen reject on a Segway, it raises questions; that’s all. To me that scene would have been more appropriate in France.

You and I may and probably will disagree about some things at some point, but I’d like to state right now that this is all in good fun, and I am not here to offend anyone. Ideally, we would like for this to be an interactive column. Feel free to e-mail your thoughts about things and people you believe represent America or things and people you think disgrace America. Just like the old Sammy Kershaw country song, there are three things that will never be tackled in this column: politics, religion, and women. Politics can start a fight. With religion it’s too hard to prove who’s right. With women…well, who the heck has ever figured them out?

So, there are the ground-rules. Again, I’m very excited to be a part of the Carolina Water Cooler, and I hope you enjoy Americana Mondays! We’ll chat again next week.

In this new monthly feature, we'll unveil the most impressive, bizarre, and disturbing Google searches that eventually made someone stumble onto our site.

1) what color would you use on the walls in a bedroom with the carolina tarheels theme? - Ok, couple of things here. First of all, Tar Heels is two words. Secondly, "Carolina Blue" would probably be your best choice. Unless you wanted to get a little crazy and go with orange or something. Seriously, you needed Google to figure this out?

2) Alex Stepheson bags girl - Impressive that they spelled "Stepheson" correctly. Makes us think that this person is a pretty serious fan of Big Al. Maybe if we added a "Tar Heels Dorm Cam" we'd get more readers.

3) Does marcus ginyard have a girlfriend - Apparently it wouldn't hurt for there to be some sort of class that you could attend to learn how Google actually works. Believe it or not, it's not just some omniscient computerized being that knows the answer to whatever random question may pop into your head. So when you type in questions that revolve around a player's dating status or questions about paint, then you'll probably just end up at some hole-in-the-wall website like this one.

4) jon scheyer shirtless jj redick - Where can we find a breakdown of how many google searches are done each year by someone who's clearly in love with an ACC player? Because we're 3-for-4 here.

5) is shammond williams getting married or is he married - Four for five.

6) la cascada water park in mayaquez, pr, to rent for 12 hours - Pretty sure that "pr" stands for Puerto Rico here. That's a pretty long flight for just a 12 hour stay. Of course, going to San Antonio was a pretty long flight for what ended up happening there.

7) chris keldorf that was one of my greatest fears - Letting Keldorf throw the ball on third-and-goal from the five yard line in Charlottesville was one of our greatest fears. Too bad Greg Davis didn't ask us.

8) definition of "floor slapper" - It was probably this month's caption picture that caused this googler to end up here.

9) coach roy williams smoker - Well, he did learn everything he knows from Dean...

9) "brandon costner" + "what's wrong" - This is probably our favorite. In fact, we tracked the IP address to find out where this one came from and determined that it was from Sidney Lowe's office.

10) battier world of warcraft - This is good, but we're looking forward to the day where we get one that says "eric meek dungeons and dragons."

11) dead mule club+gimghoul - Yeah, we've heard some weird stuff goes on out there...

12) "Watching Tyler Hansbrough listen is special!" - Good job with the exclamation point here. Most people tend to forsake capitalization and punctuation when they're googling.

13) who opened for the police +synchronicity tour greensboro february 1984 opening act - Can't you just picture some married couple reflecting on their first concert together, and then they get in a big argument about who the opening act was on that particular night? Imagine their disappointment when Google brought them here.

14) BRICKOWSKI MARIJUANA - WHY ARE WE SHOUTING!?!?!

15) curse of makhtar ndiaye - Didn't realize that losing to Utah in the Final Four wasn't really our fault. Turns out it was just a curse. Still hurts just as much.

FIrst of all, congratulations to the winners of the Carolina Water Cooler March Madness Pick 'Em Prize-a-Palooza:

1) L. Carroll

2) R. Carver

3) D. Johnson

You were all able to rise above the fray by not picking Carolina to win it all. (We can only assume that you were wearing your Roy-endorsed Jayhawk stickers all throughout the Final Four). Please email us to claim your prizes.

Just to reiterate, you can choose from the following prizes:

Any regular edition print from Tar Heel Moments ($100-150 value).
$45 gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse.
$35 gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse.
Wing and pizza party for 10 people at Bailey's Pub and Grille in Chapel Hill.
$20 gift card to Lowe's Hardware.

First place gets their choice of two prizes. Second place gets their choice of two remaining prizes, and third place gets what's left.

A couple of other thoughts...

Rock Chalk Championship - Really, Jim Nantz? You had a full 48 hours to perfect your pun and this is what you came up with? You could have at least gone with the obvious, "It's over....and boy, do the Jayhawks like playing with their Self!" Of course, in fairness to Nantz, he probably had to come up with an entirely new pun during the overtime period, having already torn up and thrown away his original Kansas pun, not realizing that Memphis was about to choke like Rick Majerus on a breadstick.

The Worst Team in the Tournament - Somehow, it seems that we've never explained how to calculate which team was the Worst Team in the Tournament. Here's the premise: if you lost to a team that ended up doing well, then on some level, you can take some solace in that (for instance, even though the Jayhawks humiliated Carolina, at least we can say that we lost to the national champions). Likewise, Mississippi State lost in the second round, but at least the team that beat them (Memphis) made it all the way to the final game. You get the point...

To find the worst team, you simply figure out which team's "genealogy" is made up entirely of losses. So let's trace it, in reverse. The final loser was Memphis. They beat UCLA, who beat Xavier, who beat West Virginia, who beat Duke, who beat Belmont. So the Belmont Bruins are the only team without a win in their bloodline, rendering them this year's Worst Team in the Tournament. Which means that Duke was only one point better than the Worst Team in the Tournament (or only one point away from being the Worst Team in the Tournament themselves). However you want to look at it. Either way, congrats.

So here's to another great year of thrills and chills ultimately culminating in heartache, depression, and a full week in the fetal position. Let's meet back here at this same place and do it all again next year, shall we?

The weather is always bad on The Day After. Never sunny.

Food never tastes good on The Day After. Even the most delectable of treats tastes like Brandon Rush's jock strap.

On The Day After, the one-and-done format of the NCAA tournament is no way to choose a national champion.

On The Day After, the memory of all of those other Days After come flooding back....Georgetown, George Mason, Texas, Penn State, Florida, Weber Flippin' State, Utah, Arizona, Texas Tech, Arkansas, Boston Bleepin' College, Ohio State, all the way back to another Final Four loss to Kansas. And on and on. The fact that two national championships were won in the middle of those Days After is no consolation.

On The Day After, Roy just can't get it done. Never will. He doesn't know how to recruit players that won't fold under the pressure and he can't teach kids to play defense when it matters and he doesn't know how or when to call a time out. Winning 92.3 percent of this season's games and getting to a second Final Four in just five years, and winning a championship in one of those...that stuff is cute, but it's not enough to justify him being a Hall of Fame coach. Those weren't even his players in 2005 anyway.

On The Day After, Dean would have never lost that game. Heck, Bill Guthridge or Matt Doherty or Pete Gaudet or Les Robinson would have never lost that game.

On The Day After, we never would have lost a single game all season if Roy wasn't an idiot and hadn't failed to recruit Stephen Curry.

On The Day After, Tyler probably didn't deserve Player of the Year after all. Should've been Michael Beasley or CDR or Kevin Love or Brian Zoubek.

On The Day After, none of our guys have any business even thinking about the NBA Draft. All of their skill sets are fatally flawed, and they don't have the athleticism to hang with the elite players at the collegiate level, much less the professional ranks. On the other hand, they might as well go ahead and make the jump to the NBA because they're so bad that next year's freshmen are going to come in and take their jobs.

On The Day After, being a fan just isn't worth it. You can spend all season trying to perfect your lucky routine, determining which pair of underwear is the luckiest, and making sure that you find a way to get Woody perfectly synched up with the TV broadcast. But no matter what you do, history has demonstrated that there's only about a four percent chance that the Heels will escape with a national title.

The Day After the Day After won't be any better. In fact, it might be worse. There will be a championship game that Carolina will have no involvement in. They'll play One Shining Moment while another team cuts down the nets and stands at midcourt while they tell Jim Nantz and Billy Packer how they knew all season that this was their year and nobody was going to stand in their way.

There's no good news on The Day After. No inspiring message. No "wait 'til next year" statements that make anyone feel any better. Just the harrowing thought of five long months until football season, and then another three until basketball gets cranked back up. This is why a national championship feels so good; this is why we rush Franklin Street and take pictures and buy t-shirts and hats and posters. All because once in a great while, we get to enjoy a year where The Day After never comes.

Just not today.

Davidson's loss to Kansas in the Midwest Regional Final was integral to Carolina's championship hopes for one key reason: Stephen Curry was the poster child to become the next member of the Harold Arceneaux All-Star team. With him out of the way, the Heels can rest easy.

Their names are etched in your brain like a bad dream you can’t escape. You know the one, where Dick Vitale is wearing a cleavage-revealing evening gown and singing “Happy Birthday Mr. Krzyzewski” to a beaming Coach K. Or maybe you’re being chased by a bear. Or something.

Anyway, you’ve cursed their names, you’ve questioned their eligibility, you’ve wondered why Coach Guthridge didn’t recruit them. Here they are, the Harold Arceneaux All-Stars.

Membership in the Harold Arceneaux All-Stars is restricted to any player who had a game against UNC in the NCAA Tournament where they played like the Chicago Bulls on NBA Jam. You know how you would reach that point in the video game when you make so many shots in a row that the ball catches on fire and everything you throw up is going in, leading your buddy to chuck his SEGA controller across the floor and break it in a million pieces.

Since the criteria is restricted to those who had career days in the tournament, such obvious inclusions as Randolph Childress, Jason Williams or Tyrese Rice won’t be found here. What you will find are lightly-regarded or overlooked players who came into the game with a chip on their shoulder against the Heels. Maybe they weren’t recruited by Coach Smith. Maybe they visited Chapel Hill and tripped on a brick walking through the Pit. Whatever their reason, they played out of their minds against the Heels.

Anyone watching Arizona play this year might have looked at the team huddle right before a TV timeout and said to themselves, “Self, that dude in the suit holding the clipboard looks like a slightly heavier version of Miles Simon.” Well, you would be right.

Current Wildcats assistant coach Simon torched the Heels for 24 points in an upset victory that would also serve as Dean Smith’s final game at Carolina.

Simon’s biography includes one necessary component of the Harold Arceneaux All-Stars. He received a rejection letter from Dean Smith in high school, informing him that UNC would not be recruiting him because of a glut of talented shooting guards already on the team. Simon cherished the letter and used it as motivation for his collegiate career. I did the same with my rejection letter from MTV’s “Singled Out.”

Making a joint appearance on this list are the Crispin brothers from Penn State. You’ll remember them from their appearance in the nightmare that was the end of the 2000-2001 inaugural Doherty campaign. Not that the year was so bad, just the season-ending streak of losing every Sunday (I told you we should have never spray-painted “Doherty is God” on Greenlaw after the Duke game).

Joe and Jon Crispin combined for 26 points that day (although Joe had a far superior day to Jon, scoring 21 of those on 7-21 shooting). Maybe it just felt like the two achieved some kind of twin-like mind meld, as it seemed that one or the other was scoring on us at every turn. If it wasn’t one of the Crispins killing the Heels that day, then it was Charlotte native Titus Ivory dropping 21 points to seal the deal. While Googling “Titus Ivory” to research this game, I learned that he had a 125-gallon aquarium in his room back home.

The 1998 Final Four. What an ugly game. While the high-flying Heels of Jamison, Carter and Cota filled highlight reels throughout the 1997-98 season, Rick Majerus’ Utah Utes slowed the pace of the Final Four match-up to a grinding 65-59 halt.

Leading the charge for the “Running Utes” (I’m going to dispute the “Running Utes” nickname here, as there wasn’t a whole lot of running involved with this team) was Andre Miller with 16 points, 14 rebounds and seven assists. After Utah jumped out to an 11-2 lead to start the game, most Heel fans kept waiting for reality to catch up with the Utes. But time ran out on Coach Guthridge’s first season as head coach, and the dream meeting with Kentucky for bragging rights as college basketball’s all-time historic powerhouse never occurred.

Danya Abrams. Punk. While the 1993-94 Heels were an achingly gifted but chronically flawed bunch, no one could have foreseen a second-round exit at the hands of Boston College. And perhaps the comeback and advancing to the Sweet 16 would have been complete were it not for the questionable knockout blow Abrams delivered to point guard Derrick Phelps, sending him out of the game with a concussion.

While Abrams stat line was negligible that day, it was his clobbering of Phelps four minutes into the second half that derailed UNC’s hopes. The freshmen forward’s hit so infuriated Coach Smith that he had to be visibly restrained on the sideline from charging after Abrams.

No list of Harold Arceneaux All-Stars could ever be complete without the inspiration for the team name. Harold “The Show” Arceneaux was a little-known guard from New Orleans before the fourth-seeded Heels took on Weber State in the 1999 NCAA Tournament. A transfer from the College of Eastern Utah in Price, Utah, and Midland Junior College in Texas, Arceneaux led the Wildcats to the Big Sky tournament championship, earning them a bid in the tournament. While I’m on the subject, is there a more generic collegiate mascot name than the Wildcats? I had honestly forgotten what Weber State’s nickname was, but I went ahead and wrote “Wildcats” because I said to myself “I bet they’re the Wildcats, everyone is named the ‘Wildcats.’” Some reader out there with more time on his hands could use a little Google magic to determine how many schools in Division 1 have “Wildcats” in their name. I’m sure Stillman will throw in some CWC toilet paper or something.

Arceneaux stunned the Heels with 36 points, 20 that came in the second half to fend off a furious late Carolina rally. At least he had a Cajun name that was somewhat difficult to pronounce, ensuring that State fans couldn’t taunt us with it and Duke fans would have to ask for the etymology of the word or hear it used in a sentence before accurately coming up with a clever putdown they could chant at Cameron.

So there you have it, the Harold Arceneaux All-Stars. Here’s hoping that Brandon Rush, Kevin Love or Chris Douglas-Roberts never end up on this list. And if they do, it was all Stillman’s idea.

This weekend, two of college basketball's most prominent programs will face off on the biggest stage that the sport has to offer. But for those unable to watch Bradley take on Tulsa in Friday night's CBI championship game, they'll have to settle for Saturday night's matchup between North Carolina and Kansas in San Antonio.

Earlier this week, Carolina Water Cooler was first to break the story that Roy Williams used to be the coach at Kansas. Other media outlets have since picked up the story and given it considerable coverage throughout the week. What they've failed to explore are the uncanny connections between the two programs.

Kansas junior Brandon Rush won't have to look outside his immediate family for advice on how to lose an NCAA tournament game to the Tar Heels. As a freshman at Missouri back in 2000, big brother Kareem scored 10 points in a first round loss to a Carolina team that went on upset Stanford en route to a Final Four appearance that was more unlikely than twelve consecutive months without a player transferring out of the Duke basketball program.

Senior Rodrick Stewart only plays 12 minutes a game for the Jayhawks, and that can only prove to be a blessing for Carolina. Stewart is best known to Carolina fans as "one of the twins." The twins were long lauded as the Saviors of Carolina Basketball during the Matt Doherty Era, and rumors of their alleged commitment spread across the internet world like wildfire. As it turned out, both Rodrick and brother Lodrick ended up at Southern California, before Rodrick transferred to Lawrence after just one season. Lodrick helped defeat the Heels two years ago during the regular season, but redeemed himself in last year's Sweet Sixteen by helping the Trojans blow a 16-point second half lead as the Heels stormed back to win.

Sophomore Darrell Arthur holds the distinction of being the first Kansas player to wear the "00" jersey since Greg Ostertag graduated back in 1995. Unbeknownst to many, Ostertag played a big role in one of Carolina's national championships. By bearing such a close resemblance to Carolina's Eric Montross during the 1993 Final Four, several Jayhawk players found themselves confused and unable discern which gangly white man they were supposed to pass the ball to. Carolina went on to win 78-68.

Senior Sasha Kaun hails from Tomsk, Russia, a city known for its statue of Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin. Naturally, Kaun is able to relate to the town of Chapel Hill, a municipality which has long been considered to be communist.

Saturday's meeting between the two teams will be the first since November 27, 2002, when Matt Doherty led Carolina to a 67-56 victory over Kansas in the Preseason NIT. Of course, if it's any consolation to Jayhawk fans, their team went on to play in the national championship game that year while Carolina failed to make the NCAA tournament.

Of course, if it's any consolation to Carolina fans, Roy Williams--the coach who led the Jayhawks to that championship game--is now the coach at Carolina.

Of course, if it's any consolation to Kansas fans, they were able to steal former Tar Heel Larry Brown long enough for him to lead them to the national championship in 1988.

Of course, if it's any consolation to Carolina fans, Brown left the Jayhawk program handicapped by NCAA sanctions before he headed back to the professional ranks.

Of course, if it's any consolation to Kansas fans, nobody can take away their 1991 Final Four victory over a Carolina team coached by Kansas alum Dean Smith.

Of course, if it's any consolation to Carolina fans, they can still hold on to their victory over Wilt Chamberlain and the Jayhawks in the 1957 national championship game. Well, that and the fact that Kansas is a boring state.

This weekend, the 2008 NCAA Men's Final Four will be played in San Antonio, Texas.  Fortunately for Carolina fans, the Heels defeated Louisville Saturday night to win the East region and have been invited to participate in it.  And fortunately for Carolina Water Cooler readers, the summer after my sixth grade year I spent two full days in San Antonio, so I've seen pretty much everything the city has to offer and am more than willing to share this vast array knowledge.  So for those of you headed to the Lone Star State to attend this glorious event, what follows are some helpful  San Antonio Do's and Don'ts. 

The first stop on nearly every tourist's itinerary when they visit San Antonio is the city's main attraction: The Alamo.  Don't go here.  It's smaller than the movies make it appear, it has poor lighting, and it's haunted by the ghosts of Davy Crockett and James Bowie.  Social studies teachers will try to tell you that the Alamo is an important national landmark, but the fact of the matter is that the gentlemen who fought against Mexican President Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna weren't defending America, they were defending Texas (and, lest we forget, they lost the battle). Instead of touring the Alamo, just head to the Biltmore House when you return from the Final Four.  Apparently not everything is bigger in Texas.

Know what else is bigger than the Alamo?  Shamu.  This killer whale is enormous, yet simultaneously cute.  Not a lot of animals can pull off that feat, so the trip to Sea World is a definite do.  If you're going to take in one of the park's many shows while you're there, I highly recommend sitting in the splash zone.  When I visited, we attended a Baywatch show, complete with the narration of one Mitch Buchanan (a.k.a. David Hasselhoff).

After spending all day walking around Sea World, don't bother with San Antone's second biggest tourist attraction - the Riverwalk.  The Riverwalk is just a poor man's Franklin Street (with water hindering your ability to cross over to the other side).  It's got food joints and clothing shops just like its Chapel Hill counterpart, but it doesn't take long for the Mexican food to work its magic on your stomach, and there are only so many varieties of UT-San Antonio t-shirts on the market.

With your stomach still intact, you'll now be able to take a trip to Six Flags Fiesta Texas.  Unlike Disney World and Disney Land, which is all about Mickey Mouse, every Six Flags is not the same.  Each has a theme unique to the city in which it is located, and for those of you who made the trek to St. Louis in 2005 and spent Sunday afternoon at Six Flags St. Louis, this is your opportunity to do your part and carry on the tradition – and see another variation of Six Flags in the process.

Since you'll have already seen a wide variety of animals during your time at Sea World, don't waste any time at the San Antonio Zoo.  This country has hundreds, if not thousands of zoos (if Asheboro's got one, there’s bound to be an overabundance of them), and the one located in San Antonio is not the best one in America.  In fact, it's not even the best one in an American city that starts with "San."  That distinction belongs to the San Diego Zoo and its amazing Giant Panda Research Station.

Since the Final Four only lasts a couple of days, you're not going to have time to hit every destination you might like to see.  For that reason, it's imperative that you do go up to the Observation Deck of the 750 foot tall Tower of the Americas and view the city from well above the hustle and bustle.  Take your binoculars and zoom in on all the major tourist attractions that you're not going to make it to (such as the Alamo), that way when you get home if anyone says "did you see the Alamo?" you can honestly respond with "yes, I did."

Last, but certainly not least, whatever you do, don't go anywhere near the Alamodome. This building is where happy memories go to die.  For starters, until just a few years ago, the NBA's San Antonio Spurs called the Alamodome their home.  The Spurs star center, Tim Duncan, was the bane of many Carolina fan's existence for the four long years he attended Wake Forest.  But Tim Duncan aside, the Alamodome is home to far worse memories. Specifically, those relating to the 1998 Final Four - from Shammond Williams’ Brickfest ’98, to Antawn Jamison kissing the floor as he walked off the court, to Rick Majerus taking a celebratory puff from his oxygen tank after the Michael Doleac-led Utah squad upset the Heels in the National Semifinals.

Like any travel agent worth his weight in salt, all of the previous advice is absolutely free of charge. Now get your tickets and head to San Antone!

It's time to break out the letter opener one more time before the season comes to an end...


In response to What Roy Wanted to Say: Louisville…

Apparently you guys knocked a few back after our glorious win over Louisville (and revealed the bitter drunks that you are.) WRWTS seems to have a slightly different tenor today. Like "Crazy Uncle Pete who complains about everything from his pants being too tight to the US Mail delivery schedule" kind of tenor. Let's take a deep breath and bring out sane but unfettered Roy next time.
Edgar P., Born and Bred Ed

I hate to send in a negative comment, but I don't think "What Roy Wanted to Say: Louisville " was up to your usual standards. Just my opinion, which probably isn't worth much.
Wayne in Wilmington

Don’t sell yourself short, Wayne. Your opinion is more important than you realize. In fact, upon receiving your critique, the intern who wrote that particular edition of WRWTS was summarily fired.

However, in that intern's defense, doesn't anybody else get a little annoyed with how much Roy apparently hates Carolina fans? He doesn't want us calling his radio show, he doesn't want us to fill out brackets or even have any clue which teams we could possibly face later in the tourney, and we're fairly certain that he doesn't want us taking any pleasure whatsoever in a Carolina victory because we don't have as much "invested" in it as his youngsters do.

Now that that's off our chest, we're lucky that Roy doesn't read the "crapnet," because he'd probably have our site shut down.

I'm sure you guys at CWC enjoy Will "Special" Graves as much as I do and know that he's a man of many talents. But did you know that besides hitting bank shot three-pointers, Will also knows a thing or two about the Successful Raising of Poultry?
Logan in Chapel Hill

Excellent find, Logan. And it's most impressive that you found this literary work priced at only $9.95.

Now that we know about his exploits in the realm of poultry, it makes a lot more sense that Will had one of his better games (10 points) against the Gobblers of Virginia Tech back on February 16. So the question that we need to answer now would be whether or not a Jayhawk qualifies as "poultry." If so, that seems to bode well for this weekend.


In response to the Xavier/West Virginia matchup from Previewing the Sweet Sixteen...

Is this 'eers v 'eers (or in West Virginia terms 'eers v 'ears) or 'neers v 'teers or ntaineers v sketeers (swat tehm sketters Maw)? The possibilitites are endless.
Jack B.

All of this 'eers talk reminds us of November 18, 2007. That's when the Wolfpack lost to the Privateers of New Orleans. At home.

Fortunately they didn't play the Buccaneers of East Tennessee or Charleston Southern, as losing to either of those teams would have been embarrassing (though not nearly as embarrassing as the 1994 game that they lost to the Brassiers of Mount St. Mammary's).

What Roy said after Saturday's win over Louisville.
What Roy wanted to say after Saturday's win over Louisville.

They are focused young men. They have dreams and hopes. I've said many times this year, we don't deal in other people's expectations. They don't have anything invested in it like these kids do. In fact, I hate our fans. They show up and cheer at games like this, and because of that I have to answer questions all week about having the dadgum home court advantage. I wish they'd just stay home and be quiet. Heck, I don't even care if they watch the dadgum game on television. And whatever they do, they'd better not call my radio show. But we're going to the Final Four, so I'm happy about that, I guess. When the score did get tied, Tyler came down and he got a layup. And the fans here in the building just clapped their little hands off. Annoys the crap out of me. And then we go down and get a stop, and he comes down and he scored again. And we go down and they miss, and we come down and I think we're up four, and we pass it around and it gets knocked out of bounds. I could probably do Woody's job. This doesn't seem very hard. And it's one of the times Louisville was playing man to man. And I called a set play for Ty to get a shot from the corner, and he stepped up and knocked in the three. Tyler was pretty upset after that play because I hadn't drawn it up for him to get the shot. He told me that he was going to get revenge by kidnapping my wife. I told him to just kidnap Deon instead because they get the same dadgum number of rebounds every game.

On Tyler Hansbrough:

You guys have heard it before, he does the same thing in practice every day. First, he walks into the Smith Center and tells eveybody to stop talking. Then he yells over to Mike Copeland and demands a newborn puppy. Mike hurriedly finds a puppy and brings it to him. Then Tyler crushes its skull between his thumb and index finger. It hurts like the dickens just to watch the whole process, and nobody is exactly sure why he does it, but we've found that it's a lot safer not to question that youngster. I mean, the young man is the most driven, most focused youngster I've ever seen in my life to try to be the best player he can be and to help his team win. Sometimes I tell him that if he keeps working hard, he'll eventually be as good as Pat Sullivan. That seems to be something that he's working toward. And twice during a late time-out he yelled, ‘Hey, come on, let's finish this off.’
One other time he said, ‘Come on guys, let's go.’ I think he probably had some more advice, but then one of his contacts fell out, so he was crawling around on his knees trying to find it. Marcus and Danny were kicking him while he was on the ground. It's a motivational thing, I think. He's not a rah-rah individual. When he says something like that, they listen to him. Or so he thinks. Everybody's actually laughing because he sounds like Napoleon Dynamite.

On Davidson’s run:

“I would say I'm a little surprised, you beat a 2 seed and a 3 seed, and I think that's what they've done. At least that's what somebody told me. I don't pay any attention to that crap. I'm just focused on our next game. I've never watched another team play on TV. And, shoot, I don't even know how to turn on the internet. I've never read a newspaper in my life. In fact, if anybody ever tries to give me any information from the outside world, I cut them oout of my life. I don't even talk to my son Scott anymore because last time he was at our house, he mentioned that there's a presidential election this year. I told him to just focus on the next game. Then I wrote him out of the will and had our servants break his legs and leave him lying out in the middle of the street. I think Steph Curry's accomplishments in the games that he's played have been phenomenal. The only reason I've ever heard of him is because we played them earlier in the year. I really haven't watched a lot of other games but I've seen the highlights on SportsCenter, and he's just been phenomenal. Truthfully, I don't even know what SportsCenter is. But Wanda was telling me about it the other night, so I divorced her.

You know, they had UCLA by 18. They played us and lose a close one. They lose a close one to us by 4, a close one to Duke by 6. Somehow they lost to State too. Still not sure how that happened.
So when you think about that, you shouldn't be surprised, but maybe I'm just not as big of a fan of the other teams or the selection committee or what's going on. They should put me on the selection committee. I'd make sure that we played all of our tournament games west of the Rocky Mountains so that I don't have to answer any dadgum questions about the frickin' home court advantage.

7:27 - The night is off to a fantastic start as Jay Bilas is partnering with Dick Enberg to call tonight's game.

7:29 - The night is off to a horrific start as we've missed a layup and followed that up by allowing a dunk.

7:31 - I thought the Cougars' M.O. was to work the ball around for hours and hours until they got a good shot? So far they've jacked up more threes than Jon Scheyer at Coach K's "How to Drive the Lane" clinic.

7:39 - If I were Washington State right now, I'd be looking at Tyler Hansbrough and thinking "this guy is the National Player of the Year?" Hopefully by the end of the game that question mark can be changed to an exclamation point.

7:48 - Hope you're not expecting a lot of entries in this edition of the View from the Couch. There are only so many ways to say "Washington State is walking the ball up the court."

7:53 - Stillman checks in to say that the Cougar offense reminds him of watching Herb Sendek take a nap...so I guess that's a different way of saying that Washington State is walking the ball up the court.

7:57 - The referees just failed to call an obvious foul as Ty took a jumper, but they made up for it by calling an iffy charge on the other end. A prime example of "somewhat-fair-but-not-exactly-competent" officiating.

8:02 - Did Tyler break up with his girlfriend this morning? He finally got to the free throw line and clanged them both off the iron.

8:14 - Lawson with a three as time expires in the first half, and the Heels head to the locker room with a 14 point lead. So far, I'm not overly impressed with the Cougars style of play. Or it's results.

8:33 - Is halftime longer in the NCAA Tournament? By my calculation it should be about over, but I'm still seeing Xavier and West Virginia on my TV. Normally, that would be less interesting than a Carolina game, but tonight - thanks to Washington State - they're about equally as exciting.

8:37 - The second half has begun, and the Cougs still can't shoot. They aren't just missing shots, they're woefully missing shots.

8:46 - Before going to sleep tonight, you may want to take a moment to appreciate just how lucky you are not to live on the west coast, where you'd be subjected to watching Washington State "play basketball" on a regular basis. If you do live on the west coast, I recommend that you move.

8:48 - Alex Stepheson with two mighty impressive blocks. Smart money says Roy will criticize him in his post game comments for swatting the second one 43 rows into the upper deck instead of keeping it in play.

9:03 - Normally at this point in the game (eight minutes to go), one of the most interesting story lines is whether or not the Heels will top 100. At this point, that's not really an issue - we know it won't happen. What does remain in question is whether or not the Cougars can match their first half scoring total of 21.

9:10 - Tyler and his girlfriend apparently reconciled their differences at halftime.

9:15 - Text from Stillman: "Now they want quick shots and we want to hold it. Irony, thy name is Tony Bennett."

9:18 - During a television timeout, CBS has cut to the Xavier game. The Musketeers lead by two with 21.2 seconds left. That's good for my bracket which, despite a rough first weekend, is still salvageable.

9:20 - The Cougars now have 42. If we don't hold them scoreless for the remainder of the game, they'll have had a more productive second half than first half. And we can't have that.

9:21 - We didn't hold them scoreless.

9:23 - Overtime for Xavier and West Virginia. Back to Charlotte, where there's still a chance the Heels can win their third tournament game in a row by 30 or more points.

9:26 - All week long, the Washington State fans claimed Carolina couldn't win a game in the 60 point range. Turns out it's not that difficult when your opponent is only scoring in the 40 point range.

East

(1) North Carolina vs. (4) Washington State - These two teams actually have more in common than you may have realized. Both are located less than ten miles from another prominent university. The WSU campus is a mere seven miles from Moscow, Idaho, home of the University of Idaho. Also, according to Wikipedia, WSU alumni are known for something they call "Cougar Calves," a phenomenon whereby students develop well-toned legs while navigating the hills of Pullman during their matriculation (sound familiar Hinton James residents?). Basically, the lesson here is that you can throw out the fact that Carolina averages 89.9 points per game while the Cougars average only 67. These two teams are mirror images of each other in almost every other facet of life.

(2) Tennessee vs. (3) Louisville - The two coaches facing off in this game have some pretty strong ties to the city of Boston. Bruce Pearl grew up in Beantown, attended Boston College, and spent four years as a member of the Eagles coaching staff. Rick Pitino spent his college days playing at UMass before spending five years as the coach at Boston University and four years as the coach of the Boston Celtics. If you're keeping score at home, every single basketball team of significance in the state of Massachusetts has been mentioned in the previous two sentences. The only other occasion that we know of where a similar phenomenon occurs is when second grade Carolina fans employ the "Duke is puke, Wake is fake, but the one I hate most is N.C. State" cheer.


Midwest

(1) Kansas vs. (12) Villanova - After Mike Mangino's team put together an astounding 12-1 season on the gridiron last fall, the Jayhawks are in prime position to finish this season as the country's most dominant football/basketball combination. The two programs have combined for an impressive 45 wins so far, with the basketball team still capable of adding another 4 wins to that total. Just for some perspective, Carolina has achieved 38 total wins so far, Clemson 33, Virginia Tech 32, Duke 29, and N.C. State 20.

(3) Wisconsin vs. (10) Davidson - Wisconsin coach Bo Ryan is one of those special coaches in college basketball that has mastered the art of not only looking like his school's mascot, but also exhibiting its ferocious characteristics. Of course, that won't do him much good in this game, because Stephen Curry has mastered the art of looking like the love child of Pistol Pete Maravich and the '95 ACC Tournament version of Randolph Childress.

South

(1) Memphis vs. (5) Michigan State - In Greek mythology, Epaphus founded the city of Memphis, Egypt around 3100 B.C., naming it after his wife. Today, the word "Memphis" finds itself part of a veritable cultural smorgasbord; it's the name of ten different U.S. cities, a 1972 Roy Orbison album, a record label, an Argentine blues band, an off-broadway musical, and one of the worst free-throw shooting teams in college basketball history. On a related note, East Lansing, Michigan was founded by Magic Johnson in 1979.

(3) Stanford vs. (2) Texas - One would have to think that trying to pull double duty as the coach of both the Texas Longhorns in real life and the TMU Bobcats on Friday Night Lights would eventually be too much for Rick Barnes to handle. If Stanford coach Trent Johnson can keep himself from being escorted out of the building by the SWAT team, then the Cardinal will have a good chance of advancing to the regional final.


West

(1) UCLA vs. (12) Western Kentucky - As the only directional school in the Sweet Sixteen (unless you want to count West Virginia) the Hilltoppers will have a difficult task ahead of them. Not only does UCLA play stifling defense, but with Duke eliminated from the tourney, the Bruins will now have unfettered access to all of the biased officiating that they could ask for.

(3) Xavier vs. (7) West Virginia - The nuances of a matchup between Mountaineers and Musketeers are dying to be explored. Musketeers live by the motto "One for all and all for one," so they clearly understand the concept of teamwork. To their detriment, however, there are only three of them, and since basketball is a five-person sport, that puts them at an immediate disadvantage.

Mountaineers, on the other hand, are people who attempt to reach the highest point of a previously unclimbed mountain. We're not yet sure how that relates to the NCAA tournament, since plenty of teams have "climbed that mountain" already. On a very slightly related note, Jed Clampett was a poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed. (Although he was from Arkansas, meaning he was likely a Razorback fan. Unfortunate for him).

Before we get to the mailbag, let's knock out a quick update on the Carolina Water Cooler March Madness Pick 'Em Prize-a-Palooza. At the end of the first weekend, M. VanAndel is in sole possession of first place, with D. Richeson and H. Davis (Hubert, is that you?) close behind in a tie for second. The good news is that these people clearly know what they're doing, and they've all three picked Carolina to win it all.

Other entries of note: Stillman is currently in the middle of a heated six-way tie for 77th place.You might note that this is several slots below the 48th spot, where you'll find Benji, Dave and Dave's mom (Her goal every year is merely to finish ahead of Stillman. And she always does). International Radio Icon Taylor Zarzour checks in at 70th place, and congratulations are in order for friend-of-the-site Jason who's proudly bringing up the rear, having picked both Baylor and Temple to make it to the Sweet Sixteen.

On to the emails...


In response to Friday's Live from the Couch...

I was at the games in Raleigh, and I'm not sure when they cut away from our ridiculous lead... but there was a Marc Campbell to Surry Wood alley-oop that I could not believe did not make it into the View from the Couch. I'm assuming that they were showing another game, but it happened around the 1:30 minute mark. Everyone in the RBC center went crazy. Just thought y'all would like to know.
Emily in Winston-Salem

Emily, if it had been almost anyone else on the receiving end of that alley-oop, CWC probably would have celebrated the moment. But a certain friend (and soon to be employee) of the site is in the middle of a long-standing feud with Surry. As part of his future compensation package, we're not allowed to mention Surry in any positive light on this site, so anytime he does something impressive--whether it involves basketball exploits, generous monetary donations to wholesome community programs, or significant contributions to academia--we'll just have to ignore it.

Sorry to be that way, but it's strictly a business move for us.


I've been searching on the net to see how close we are getting to Kentucky in all time victories and have come up empty. Can you help? I know you can. Will you help? I know you will. Thanks!
Jim in Graham

We can help, and we will. Though it seems you already knew that.

Currently, Kentucky leads Carolina 1,966 to 1,948 in the all-time wins column. That's a difference of just 18 games, and it's the closest we've been since the 8-20 season that created this seemingly monstrous chasm in the first place.

It actually worked out well that Kentucky received an NCAA at-large bid. Had they fallen off the bubble, they would have received a number one seed in the NIT and ended up having the chance to essentially match Carolina win-for-win throughout the postseason. So while many Carolina fans thought Kentucky shouldn't have made the tourney, watching them fizzle out like any one of Brendan Fraser's 157 bad movies was actually the ideal situation.

One other note of interest...Carolina leads Kansas by only nine all-time wins, so if the Bucknell Bison could somehow find their way into the Midwest bracket, that would be helpful.


If the seeds play out, the Final four will be Carolina, Kansas , Memphis, and UCLA . Could that compete with '75 ( UCLA , Kentucky , Syracuse , Louisville ) or '93 (sure you remember that one) as the Final Four with the most tradition-rich teams?
Lex in Chapel Hill

You're tossing around an interesting line of thinking, but there are a couple of problems. First of all, we're not quite prepared to annoint Memphis as a "tradition-rich" team. Here's a list of teams that have won more national championships than the Tigers: CCNY, Holy Cross, La Salle, Loyola-Chicago, Oregon, UTEP, and Wyoming. And now that we think about it, there's really not a "second of all."


In response to Dave's Florida State View from the Office...

There is "pimento cheese" and there is "homemade pimento cheese." Any similarity is entirely coincidental. Lordy, homemade pimento cheese is wonderful.
Wayne in Wilmington

If you think about it, is there really anything that isn't better when it's homemade? Just google "homemade" and look at the things that come up. We have homemade videos, homemade medicine, homemade tattoos, homemade organic baby food, and homemade Halloween costumes. All of these sound delightful. Why should pimento cheese be any different?


In response to Benji's Ten Favorite Dukies...

I have more support for your theory: My sophomore year at UNC, I somehow (don't ask) found myself pitted against Matt Christensen in a death match on James Bond's Nintendo 64 game (Goldeneye, i think it was called). I considered myself at the time to be a weekend warrior at the game, but Christensen was the real deal. I daresay he had a future in professional video-game playing, which is good considering he had no future in basketball.
Greg in Bloomington, IN

Benji says: Even more impressive than Greg's virtual showdowns with Christensen was the time he beat Jason (before he was "Jay") Williams, Mike Dunleavy and Carlos Boozer in consecutive games of Connect Four. As part of the bet he made with Greg, Boozer had to grow that luxurious coat of chest hair he keeps to this day.

What Roy said after Sunday's win over Arkansas.
What Roy wanted to say after Sunday's win over Arkansas.

Well, before we get to the fun stuff, you guys write a little bitty note in your columns. You can actually make it a great big note for all I care, since you dadgum media guys don't have anything else good to say anyway. The NCAA that can say I can't bring a Coca-Cola cup up here, but still lets Coach K use his American Express card to pay referees and then to book flights to go on vacation while I'm still here coaching..they can't say let's stop putting those stupid logos on the floor where kids slip and slide around and somebody's going to get hurt. Did you see Tyler? That rascal is going to be the National Player of the Year, and he almost broke his nose for the second straight year when he face-planted at midcourt out there. And I've said that for years and years and years and every coach at this site said it was a mistake to have that. At least I think I heard John Pelphrey say it was a mistake. I just kept noticing him shaking his head in frustration and muttering under his breath. I can only assume he was upset about those stupid dadgum logos. And the tournament committee people and the people that run this building were fantastic and they did everything they could do, but that's dangerous. Actually, the people that run this building are pretty much prepared for anything, so it was good to have them around. They have a big crew that's always on duty for emergency urine cleanup, and they have a big room in the back with a bunch of counselors and grief therapists that usually help the State people after most of their games here.

Now then, I can get off my high horse, preaching and things like that. We were pretty doggone good. And by that, I mean we did things to Arkansas that could have gotten us arrested for rape if we'd been anywhere other than the RBC Center. Early in the second half, we weren't very good defensively. We were so bad that they played us evenly for the first several minutes of the half. They shot about 67% at the 12-minute timeout, but offensively we were really good. Scored 108 points. Bojangle's called hoping to cancel their little sponsorship deal. We talked earlier this week about Deon and Alex giving us something at the four spot, and today they were 13-for-13. I've always just wanted to combine their best attributes into one monstrous post presence, but as it turns out, it's actually better to just let them both develop into two separate monstrous post presences. We talked about needing to make shots, and I think we did that. I'm not sure why I just said "I think we did that."

Rebounding wise, they had six offensive rebounds in the first half, and so did we, so we tried to emphasize that. Yep. Six offensive rebounds. That's all I could find that needed fixing. I wanted to yell at my kids about those stupid dadgum logos just so I could have something to complain to them about. But we didn't miss a lot of shots to get many offensive rebounds ourselves. In the coaching profession, that's what we like to call "a good problem to have." Needless to say, we're ecstatic to be one of the teams that are still playing and I couldn't be happier. Now I'm going to go drink four Cokes and then take a leak all over those stupid dadgum logos on the court. Then I'm going to take my Coke cups and strategically set them on the table at all of my postgame press conferences for the rest of the season. Which won't be ending before San Antonio, by the way.

On a special occasion like NCAA Tourney Friday, it's time for CWC to try its hand at live updates from the couch. Stillman will take the early shift (noon-4:30), and after a brief hiatus, Dave will pick it up around 6:30 to carry you through the night.

Stillman

12:28 - Ok, I'm in the saddle and ready to roll. Email me if you have any comments throughout the day. By the way, I just got back from the gym, where I saw a guy wearing an Austin Peay shirt. It must be March.

12:39 - Currently, I'm tuned in to Davidson and Gonzaga, which is like trying to choose which of your children you love more. Or--in my case--since I don't have children, it's like deciding whether I'd rather win the championship this year or spend a weekend in Jamaica with Erin Andrews.

12:51 - Have you seen Coach K's press conference from the Belmont Episode last night? I've heard people use the term "he looks like he's seen a ghost," but that's the first time I've ever really seen it myself. I'm just not sure if the ghost he saw was the Ghost of Virginia Commonwealth Past or the Ghost of Inevitable Career-Ending Nervous Breakdown Future.

1:06 - Tennessee leads American by seven at the half. I can't believe I didn't notice this when I was doing my Bracketoscopy research, but if American can somehow beat the Volunteers, and South Alabama can beat Butler, that would give us a second round matchup of American vs. USA. If this doesn't happen, then the terrorists win.

1:25 - WOW, Jeff Jones has gained a lot of weight since he was coaching at Virginia (he's the coach at American now). Just picture Jeff Jones when he was the Cavaliers coach. Now picture that same Jeff Jones, except twice as big. We'll call him Mega Jeff. Are you picturing him? Ok, now imagine that Mega Jeff swallowed Charlie Weiss. That's what Jeff Jones looks like now.

1:34 - Jason in West Jefferson wants to know if this is the year that all of the number-one seeds make it to the Final Four. If you've seen the condition of my bracket, you know that I'm not really qualified to answer this question, but I have a question of my own: When did they get the internet in West Jefferson?

1:56 - Chuck in China Grove wants to know why banner ads for Kansas Jayhawk gear occasionally show up on this sacred ground. Well, that's a dandy question, Chuck. As it turns out, the technology that's supposed to generate ads that are related to your content is only slightly more reliable than the Clemson Tigers at the free throw line. But feel free to click on the ads, you'll probably make us 17 cents or so.

2:18 - Well this Davidson/Gonzaga game has become a dandy. Stephen Curry has hit his last 174 shots, and neither team has led by more than two in quite some time. In other news, the Fightin' Scott Cherries of Western Kentucky are throttling Drake, Miami has a comfortable lead over St. Mary's, and the Puke-Orange Warriors from Knoxville have finally pulled away from American.

2:36 - Stephen Curry is Gonzaga's Harold Arceneaux. The kid just dropped 40 points. Forty. And the streak continues; the "home" team hasn't won in the RBC Center since February 5th.

3:09 - OHHHHHHH MY!!!!!! Scott Cherry's boys are headed to the second round!!!! Man, I think Dick Vitale crawled up inside my body when Ty Rogers hit that 25-footer. I was saying things like "It's March Babeeee!!!" and "Oh, are you kidding me!?!?!" and "When I look into Coach K's eyes, I feel all fuzzy inside!!!" Sorry, you can't selectively channel Dick Vitale. It's all or nothing.

3:21 - I'm playing a fun game with myself called What Does UMBC Stand For? Here's how it works: You watch UMBC play a basketball game (which they're doing now against Georgetown) and you try to figure out what UMBC stands for. The two best ideas I've had so far are "University of Morganton-Burke County" and "United Methodist Baptist Church."

3:25 - University of Mexico-Baja California?

3:33 - Lindsey in Wilmington says it's "Upper Mississippi Beer College." I was way off.

4:22 - As part of Operation UCLA Cakewalk, UConn is doing their best to struggle with San Diego. With a little bit of luck, the Bruins could end up playing three mid-majors on their way to the Final Four.

4:37 - March has come to a screeching halt. None of these games are good, so I'll take the opportunity to sign off for day. Dave will be with you in a couple of hours for the nightcap. Be gentle with him, he's a dainty lad.

Dave

6:57 - I'm here. Allow me to fix my dinner plate, and then I'll explain my delay.

7:12 - While eating my dinner, I decided that the reason for my delay is not a very interesting story. Suffice it to say, I couldn't leave work until the San Diego game ended, and I couldn't come home until I bought some caffeine. See? Not that interesting.

7:23 - I don't want to jinx us or anything, but has a Catholic school lost on this Good Friday? Notre Dame? Victorious. San Diego? Upset UConn. Could Mount Saint Mary's make it a "Holy Trinity?" Let me know if I'm overlooking a Catholic school that lost.

7:41 - We've reached the under 8 timeout and "The Mount" is still trying to run with us. The Reverend William Packer is giving them a "sermon on the mount" about what a poor strategy that is.

8:08- Every year, my goal is pretty much to get 75% of the first round games right, and to only lose two of my Sweet 16 during the first round. So far, I'm 16 for 24, and the only Sweet 16 team I've lost is Drake. Of the four games going on right now, the team I picked is leading three of them - I'm going to need the younger Hansbrough to pick up the slack.

8:29 - Marcus just got blocked on a dunk attempt. By the rim. I'd be upset with him if I didn't like him so much, and I know he's got to be embarrassed. The fact that we're up about 30 doesn't hurt, either.

8:43 - Henry from Asheville has emailed to let us know that the ACC's own Miami Hurricanes defeated the Catholic Saint Mary's College earlier today, ruining my Catholic-schools-can't-lose-on-Good-Friday theory. Maybe God is upset at Saint Mary for something.

8:59 - The Heels' 101st point puts them in the elite company of Western Kentucky as the only team to top 100 points so far in the Tourney. But Carolina didn't need five extra minutes to make it happen. And now, we'll be treated to five minutes of white boys. Time to start worrying about Arkansas or Indiana. The way the SEC has looked so far, my money is on the Hoosiers (but I picked the Razorbacks).

9:20 - My brother just left me a message requesting a new mop, as the one he has is worn out from mopping the floor with me in the CWC March Madness Pick 'Em Prize-a-Palooza. Mighty big words from a gentleman that picked St. Joseph's and Vanderbilt to win tonight. Now excuse me as I return to watching Baby Ben become the second Hansbrough to advance tonight.

9:30 - Malik Hairston was just named Player of the Game for Oregon. What I'm trying to figure out is why the headshot that they have above his stats is a cartoon.

10:14 - You know those NCAA commercials that babble on about most student athletes going pro in something other than sports? What is the point of those? What exactly are they advertising? Couldn't we just make all TV timeouts 30 seconds shorter and eliminate those ads?

10:35 - It's hard to take Boise State's basketball team seriously when it's always in the back of my mind that their football team plays on a blue field.

11:16 - I didn't see Jeff Jones earlier today, but based on Stillman's description, he's approximately half the size of Indiana's DeAndre Thomas. I'd enjoy watching him try to run with the Heels on Sunday, but it looks like I'll have to settle for watching this guy and his goofy 80's-style headband.

11:24 - If Clemson chokes away this game to Villanova, I'll pat myself on the back for deciding not to pick them to beat Kansas like I'd initially planned. Then I'll kick myself in the groin for picking them to beat Siena.

11:55 - It's settled, the Heels and Razorbacks will meet in the second round in a re-match of their 1995 Final Four battle. Time for revenge, Arkansas. You want 40 minutes of Hades? You got it.

12:09 - Jay Wright picks up a technical foul with less than three minutes left and a four point lead. That's just good coaching, right there.

12:26- I've never seen a team choke as many times in one season as Clemson did this year. Truly phenomenal. History is made in Tampa as two 12 seeds and two 13 seeds advance. And history is made on Carolina Water Cooler as our first ever Live View from the Couch comes to a close.

As promised, here's the second half of our handy guide to making March just a little bit less mad...

South Region

Hansbrough, Regional MVP - At the beginning of the season, you probably wouldn't have called us crazy if we'd predicted that Mr. Hansbrough would lead his team to the Final Four and be named the region's Most Valuable (or Outstanding, whatever they're calling it this year) Player. But if we'd told you that he'd be wearing Bulldog Maroon when he accomplished all of this, you might have been at least the slightest bit puzzled.

But after Little Brother Ben Hansbrough unleashes his own unique brand of pain on South Region, you won't be scratching your head anymore. If you've never tuned in to what would otherwise be an unwatchable SEC game just to see little brother play, then you're lucky that we're here to assist you with your bracket selections. The only thing we ask in return is that you give your computer a thank-the-passer point whenever Little Bro' steamrolls into San Antonio.

Separation of Church and State? - There's no keeping the political and religious factions separated in this cultural melting pot of a region. Neo-Pentecostal televangelist Oral Roberts is seeded thirteenth, and no doubt poised to give Pittsburgh and Michigan State all they can handle with his visions of 900-foot likenesses of Christ and his uncanny ability to raise children from the dead.

You have to assume that CBS would have loved a regional final matchup of Oral Roberts and fifteenth-seeded Austin Peay. As governor of Tennessee in the early 1920s, Austin Peay signed the Butler Act, rendering the teaching of evolution illegal in his state and eventually leading to the infamous Scopes Monkey Trial. While it's unclear (or at least too time-consuming to research) where Oral Roberts stands on the issue of evolution, a regional final between these two would certainly have brought that particular issue to light. And there's no telling what tenth-seeded St. Mary might have to say about all of this.


West Region

Lions, Tigers, and Bears - Oh my. Actually, there aren't any lions or tigers to be found in this bracket, but there are plenty of Bears to go around. The Baylor Bears are join UCLA and Belmont (both Bruins) to bring a healthy dose of ursid mammalia to the West. Not to be outdone, the canines bring a contingent of three (Georgia and Drake--both Bulldogs--and the Huskies of Connecticut) as do the nondescript humanoid figures (Mountaineers, Musketeers, and Aggies).

Interestingly, there will be two different first round matchups between Devils and Bruins in the West--the UCLA Bruins vs. the Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils, as well as the Belmont Bruins vs. the Duke Blue Devils. Try to get a member of the selection committee to look you in the eye and swear that they're not patting themselves on the back about that one.

Caucasian Sensation - Quick NCAA trivia question for you: What do DeMarcus Nelson, Gerald Henderson, and Shane Dansby have in common? Answer: They're the only black people that will be playing in the Duke/Belmont game who average double figures in the scoring column.

Yes, the Blue Devils and the Bruins will be turning back the clock to a time when dorky white guys held a prominent position in the college basketball pecking order. In fact, neither of these teams is above throwing a whitewash out on the court at any given moment. If you find yourself watching a Paulus/Scheyer/Zoubek/Singler/King lineup battling the lethal combination of Hare/Wicke/Renfroe/Belcher/Peeples, then take a moment to meditate on the fact that you're watching the first double whitewash in NCAA tournament play since sixth-seeded Brown upset top-ranked Board of Education back in the 1954 tourney.

If you're having trouble with your picks, then you've come to the right place. Here are a few tips to guide you along your way...

East Region

Hoosier Daddy? - Carolina fans have already unleashed a great deal of angst about the possibility of a second round matchup with Indiana, but we're here to tell you that it won't ever come to pass. Fortunately for the Heels, Arkansas will eliminate the Hoosiers before they ever get a chance to bother Carolina. Unfortunately--and perhaps ironically--for the Heels, they'll instead be going down to the Razorbacks in a fiery second round conflagration reminiscent of the 1995 Final Four.

The Butler Didn't Do It - While many Tar Heel tournament viewers will probably be rooting for Butler to be the team that gets those pesky Volunteers out of the way, irony will once again rear its ugly head. While it's true that Bruce Pearl's "puke, inside-of-a-pumpkin orange" Warriors won't be making it to the Sweet Sixteen, it won't be because of Butler. No, in fact, the South Alabama Jaguars will knock off the Bulldogs, then eliminate the Volunteers en route to a much-anticipated regional final showdown where they'll meet Arkansas and their former coach, John Pelphrey.

And, yes, in case you've forgotten, that's Kentucky's "Unforgettable" John Pelphrey, the guy standing there in the middle of the paint with no apparent purpose as Christian Laettner hit his epic shot. You're not forgiven, John.


Midwest Region

Family Ties - All sorts of quasi-incestuous familial connections in the upper half of the Midwest bracket. Vanderbilt head coach Kevin Stallings spent five years as an assistant to Roy Williams at Kansas. Vanderbilt Director of Basketball Operations Brad Frederick played his college ball at Carolina, though he's the son of former Kansas athletic director Bob Frederick (the man who first hired Ol' Roy in Lawrence). Vanderbilt assistant coach King Rice has no known ties to Kansas, though he spent his college days in Chapel Hill making Bobby Hurley cry, before spending five years serving as Rick Fox's cabana boy.

The only logical resolution to all of this entails Vanderbilt and Kansas meeting in the Sweet Sixteen. The only team standing in the way of this possibility is the Clemson Tigers, who will meet Vandy in the second round. But since the Tigers are still enforcing their team policy of closing their eyes at the free throw line, go ahead and pencil in the Jayhawks and Commodores together in Round Three.

You're from Where? - Most people around the country will get a substantial geography lesson if they're paying any attention to the lower half of the Midwest bracket. Cal State-Fullerton, Wisconsin's first round opponent, is known for its baseball team and not much else. In fact, statistics have proven time and again (trust us on this one) that the average American knows nothing about the city of Fullerton, other than the fact it's where Cal State-Fullerton is located.

And while here in the Tar Heel State, we're plenty familiar with Davidson, many other U.S. Americans who don't have maps would have trouble pinpointing exactly where the Wildcats come from. Gonzaga's recent success gives them plenty of name recognition, but Spokane, Washington still remains a relatively obscure municipality. And no one even knows what UMBC stands for, much less where it's located.

So what's the bracketoscopy lesson here? Our rule of thumb is this: If you don't know where a school is located, go ahead and pick them to win at least three games.


Coming soon: The South and the West...

In the meantime, start filling out your bracket...

Can you imagine if it had been 46 years since the team you cared about (if you’re reading this, presumably that team is North Carolina) was in the ACC Finals? I honestly can’t even fathom it. That is a lifetime of futility. In my case, that’s two lifetimes of futility. Couple that futility with the pent up frustration Clemson has no doubt harbored since the Heels’ miracle comeback in Chapel Hill, and I don’t have a good feeling about this game.

1:10 – I forgot Tyler Hansbrough still played for us. I suddenly feel a lot better about our chances.

1:13 – The pace of this game is certainly a nice change from the pace of our previous two games.

1:16 – Because of my fancy pants DVR contraption, I don’t watch a lot of commercials anymore. How long has The Daily Show’s very own Rob Riggle been starring in beer advertisements?

1:21 – There was a time in my life that my wife would ask questions like “was that a foul?” and “how many fouls can you get in a game?” Not anymore. Moments ago, the whistle blew, and before the referee made any signal or the announcers said a single word, she chimed in with “that’s two on Q.” This transformation is almost as shocking as my mother’s newfound affinity for NASCAR.

1:27 – We may want to contemplate employing a new press break strategy. The one we’re using isn’t working.

1:31 – Few things are more amusing than the opponent celebrating an impressive block by slowly walking the ball up the floor and being whistled for a ten second violation. Of course, it would have been nice to witness it instead of watching three seconds of Oliver Purnell, four seconds of Clemson fans applauding, and four seconds of Roy Williams talking to the folks about to enter the game.

1:37 – Odd coincidence of the day: Texas-Arlington currently leads Northwestern State by the exact same score that the Heels currently lead Clemson (28-27).

1:39 – Tyler just dove into the bench and Joe Holladay only narrowly avoided being beheaded.

1:43 – If Carolina winds up winning this game, I recommend that everyone immediately begin praying that Clemson is on the complete opposite side of the bracket from us. We will not want to play them again.

1:51 – Ty misses what would have been miracle shot had it gone, and we head to the half with the Tigers on top by a single point. I wonder if Northwestern State has come from behind to take the lead over Texas-Arlington…

1:52 – For the record, Texas-Arlington still leads by a point at the half.

2:07 – Moments after the announcers informed us that Oliver Purnell gave one of the shortest halftime speeches in history, ARoc texts to say “Yeah, it doesn’t take long to say ‘I don’t know how Roy’s going to beat us, but this way is fine, I guess.’”

2:11 – Tyler just ended his most-consecutive-games-without-losing-a-contact streak.

2:22 – And the Heels go up by three. Considering this has been a one point game for the last 45 minutes, three feels like an insurmountable margin.

2:24 – Remember when I said Carolina was up three? Well, they’ve now doubled that. If you don’t remember me saying that, consider yourself diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

2:27 – They just did a brief interview with former Carolina great Bobby Jones. Just behind him sat a man (completely unaware the camera was on him) who appeared to shaving, but upon closer inspection was actually scratching his neck with a digital camera.

2:34 – Text from Stillman: “Ty is about 80% shy of 100%.” Right on cue, Ty takes it the length of the court for a layup.

2:39 – Ty with another bucket. I don’t think Stillman knows what he’s talking about.

2:40 – The “feels insurmountable” three point lead has now turned into an “actually insurmountable” 13 point lead.

2:42 – Aroc: “Clemson Operation Meltdown: initiated.”

2:52 – Since Aroc’s text, Clemson has cut it to five. My “actually insurmountable” comment had nothing to do with this spurt from the Tigers.

3:07 –We have a five point lead with 17.7 seconds to play. Why do we keep fouling them?

3:10 – Up five with 15 seconds to play. Why do we keep missing free throws?

3:13 – This is the longest last minute of play I’ve ever been a part of.

3:14 – WHY ARE WE FOULING THEM WITH 2.2 SECONDS LEFT? WHILE THEY’RE SHOOTING A THREE POINTER?

3:16 – That’ll do it. If you’re keeping track at home, that’s 17 ACC Championships for North Carolina and 16 for Duke. And none for Clemson.

What Roy said after Saturday's win over Virginia Tech.
What Roy wanted to say after Saturday's win over Virginia Tech.


“I told Seth Greenberg after the game – and I really meant it – that I thought they really outplayed us. Fortunately, their complete and utter inability to step on our throats when they had the chance allowed us to hang in there and eventually get Tyler locked up as Player of the Year. We were very fortunate and made a couple of plays at the end. The unfortunate thing is that Tyler will probably never live down that dadgum seizure he had there after he hit the winning shot.

“We’ve gotten to a point in the last week or so where Ty has been able to practice. Truth be told, we've actually just gotten to the point where he's so much better that he can no longer pretend that he can't practice. Quentin has so much more confidence now. We’ve been splitting the time and repetitions during practice in the last week and I think that it helps. It also helps that Quentin's tears can cure cancer; too bad he's never cried. I know that doesn't make any sense in this situation, but I was reading Chuck Norris facts on the crapnet last night, and I saw that. Made me think of Q.

On the players coping with officials' calls

“You’ve got to understand that the ref is not going to call it when you’re bumped, and hopefully they won’t call it on the other end when you bump the guy. You'd also hope that they'd call it when Tyler receives a blow that would classify as assault and battery in 37 states, but that's not always the case. The players have to learn to adjust to how the game is being called by the referees. That's why Tyler just makes all of his gol-dang shots. If they call a dadgum foul, great. If not, so be it.

On needing to win the tournament for a No. 1 seed in the East Region

“Last week we had discussions because everybody said that we had to win against Duke to be the No. 1 seed and to stay at home. Well, we did that. On their senior night. Again. With the Cameron Dweebs in there crying on each others' shoulders. Did I ever tell you about the time one of them threw a rotten grapefruit at me? I hate them. Now, everybody thinks it’s the same thing. I’ll still say the same thing this week – we’re going to try to play as well as we can play and on Sunday, we’ll go wherever they tell us to go. Unless they tell us to go to the Georgia Dome. But I don’t get caught up in that. The only time I ever get on the crapnet is when I'm reading Chuck Norris facts. We haven’t talked to our team about that. We just let Will Graves handle all of the bracketology. Did you know Will is our resident bracketologist? He's like Joe Lunardi with a jump shot. And without the crazy teeth.

Until this week, and I’m telling you, I’ll never hit another golf ball if this is a lie, until this week, I didn’t know where the regionals were. And I'm not even sure that I could name the other 19 teams that comprise the ACC. I don't have time to pay attention to any of that stuff. I knew there was one in the state of North Carolina. Iredell County, I think it was. I found out there was one in Phoenix – heck, I wouldn’t mind going to Phoenix, it’s warm. But it's a dry heat. But I’m serious, I do nothing with those kinds of things. I usually let Wanda fill out my bracket for me. She picks the teams based on which mascots she could most easily cook and then mix into a banana pudding. We generally finish at or near the top of whatever pool we're in. But I don't pay any attention to it. Heck, I don't even know where she keeps the computer. She asked me to check our email the other night and I just threw my shoe at her. And I don't actually get online to read Chuck Norris facts, I just have her print off a bunch of them for me. Dadgummit, pass me a Coke...

This is a first for me. I’ve never been a member of the full-time working world during the ACC or NCAA Tournaments. But here I sit. At work. While Carolina plays. Luckily our conference room has a 42” HDTV which is “to be used as a computer monitor for meetings with clients.” Excuse me while I tune the “computer monitor” to WRAL.

12:11 – Briefly I thought someone was having a meeting in here and I was going to have to go door-to-door around our building until I found another 42” computer monitor to watch. Luckily, the meeting concluded just before tip-off.

12:14 – Deon just had the ball thrown at his crown jewels by an FSU player attempting to bounce it off a Carolina player out of bounds. It worked. And looked pretty painful.

12:18 – I can’t help but notice that I’m the only one in the office watching the game. Of course, I’ve got a laptop in front of me, so if anyone walks by I’ll just pretend to be working.

12:23 – The party’s getting started now. Two thirds of the office is now in attendance. We’ve even broken out the homemade pimento cheese.

12:29 – Florida State has 18 points on 13 dunks. A new record.

12:32 – Lane violation on Florida State. Haven’t seen that called since my rec league game Wednesday night.

12:36 – 20-20 as we reach the third TV timeout. I think that was the score at the second TV timeout as well. These last five minutes or so have been pretty hard to watch.

12:41 – I was unaware pimento cheese was a southern cuisine, but people in the office not from this area of the country don’t seem to know what it is.

12:44 – Big Willie with the three point bank shot from the corner. A little unconventional, but we’ll take it.

12:45 – Florida State just scored their 25th point of the day on their 12th 3-pointer. Another new record.

12:49 – The California native of the office wishes to inform us that it’s impossible to eat large amounts of pimento cheese without your stomach shutting down and refusing to digest anymore. At 26 minutes, this is now the longest conversation I’ve ever had in which pimento cheese was the main topic.

1:12 – The conference room really cleared out after halftime. Everyone left muttering something about a tax deadline day on Monday. I’m not sure what they’re worried about…the ACC Tournament is the very reason why the government created extensions.

1:19 – The resident Duke fan of the office just walked by for the 23rd time to check the score, but he’s pretending he doesn’t know there’s a game going on.

1:27 – The office California native (who has, at best, minimal knowledge of college basketball) just proclaimed Tyler Hansbrough a “freaking miracle.” Of course, this was moments after he said that Carolina “needed to shut down that Rice guy,” so I’m going to take it with a grain of salt.

1:33 – Craig just made a noise that sounded like someone attempting to start a lawnmower as Wayne lost the ball off of his foot. Not sure what he was trying to convey with that.

1:42 – Stillman texts to say that Ryan Reid seems like a very well spoken young man. I’ll just assume he’s being facetious.

1:50 – Just to the left of midcourt, in the Carolina portion of the stands, there’s a man wearing a bright red shirt. Briefly, I thought it was Sidney Lowe, but this guy is about twice Sidney’s size. Plus Sidney has already headed back to Raleigh.

1:59 – Up 14 with two and a half minutes to play, I should really go back to my desk and do work. I’ll do that if we score next.

2:00 – A three pointer from the Seminoles means I’ll be staying put. If it makes you feel any better, I was never planning on returning to my computer.

2:04 – I’m sure Tyler found it moderately awkward for his coach to introduce him to the official with under 30 seconds to go in the game, but I thought it was comical.

2:07 – I’m not going to lie to you, it’s a lot more fun to watch games from home. But given the choice between watching at work or not watching at all, I’ll take watching at work every day of the week.

Our ACC Tournament coverage continues with a look at Thursday's evening games.

(7) Georgia Tech vs. (10) Virginia - The Yellow Jackets and Cavaliers will kick off Thursday's nightcap at Bobcats Arena. Barring a miraculous ACC championship run, neither team has a chance of getting an NCAA tournament invitation, but a win for the Cavaliers in this game would likely make them a lock for an NIT bid.

However, should Virginia lose the game, Thursday could be the last stand for the winners of the 2007-08 ACC Roster Spelling Bee Championship. The Cavaliers won this season's edition of this annual rite of winter, boasting such names as Laurynas Mikalauskas, Sammy Zeglinski, Tunji Soroye, Mamadi Dione, Jerome Meyinsse, and Mike Scott.

One interesting subplot to the game could be the questionable future of Georgia Tech coach Paul Hewitt. After leading his team to the national championship game in 2004, Hewitt has seen his program plummet faster than Ashlee Simpson's credibility after her Saturday Night Live lip-synching snafu. To their credit, the Jackets played a tough non-conference schedule this season, facing the likes of Indiana, Kansas, Winthrop, and Vanderbilt. To their detriment, they lost all four games, as well as their season opener to UNC-G, and now are almost guaranteed to finish the season with a losing record.

The Cavs and Jackets split the regular season series this year, but the second game of the series (the one won by Virginia) almost never happened. Torrential rains and a leaky roof at Alexander Memorial Coliseum back on February 21 forced officials to postpone the game until just last week, where Virginia escaped with a 76-74 victory. But the Jackets won't be able to fall back on a leaky roof to postpone the inevitable this time around as the only thing that will be leaking in Bobcats Arena will be State fans who didn't want to go to the bathroom and lose their seat. Fortunately for fans of other teams, the Wolfpack crowd will be largely confined to their own area, not to mention the fact that they'll only be there for one day anyway.

(6) Maryland vs. (11) Boston College - The northernmost members of the ACC will face off in Thursday's final contest as the Terrapins and Eagles duke it out for the right to play Clemson the following night. These two teams played the first game of the ACC season way back on December 9, with Al Skinner's club waltzing into College Park and escaping with a three-point victory.

Gary Williams finds himself in a predicament similar to that of Paul Hewitt, having won a national championship in 2002, only to watch his program steadily erode ever since. In fact, after losing four of his last five games, the "Dictator of Diaphoresis" has scores of disgruntled Terrapin fans claiming that he's lost his touch. However, a fortuitous win over Carolina, along with an 18-13 overall record should solidify Maryland's NIT bid.

On the other side, an NIT bid is not in the cards for Boston College. Their 13-16 record--thanks in part to losses to Robert Morris and UMass--will keep them and the postseason far away from each other. Their season has largely been a waste of Tyrese Rice's all-conference campaign; only one player--Tyler Hansbrough--received more first team All-ACC votes than Rice, but only one team--Sidney's Lowe's merry band of misfits--has a lower seed than the Eagles.

Inexplicably, Rice seems to think that a 4-12 conference record is the recipe for success in the ACC tournament. Earlier this week, he was quoted as saying, "We are definitely going into the tournament with a lot of confidence."

Considering that Boston College hasn't won a basketball contest since Valentine's Day, not to mention the fact that they've lost 12 of their last 13, Rice's confidence has folks around Beantown impressed with the exemplary job that the surgeons evidently did of covering up the scars whenever Rice underwent his frontal lobotomy.

You'll find this to be a landmark article, for a couple of reasons. First of all, Dave has been relieved of his preview duties effective immediately, now and forevermore. (Or at least for this one particular preview). Secondly, it's the first time that Carolina Water Cooler has ever previewed games in which Carolina isn't involved. But if the Venerable Jones Angell can carry Woody and Eric through all of those games on the radio this weekend, then there's no reason that we can't show some love to our ACC brethren as well. So on to Thursday's contests...

(8) Wake Forest vs. (9) Florida State - The Deacons and Seminoles will kick off the festivities in Bobcats Arena with a noon tipoff on Thursday in the Right to Lose to Carolina the Next Day Bowl. The two teams will trot into the Queen City with identical conference records (7-9) and nearly identical overall records (17-12 for the Deacons, 18-13 for the Seminoles). And while Wake won both regular season games against the 'Noles, they've fallen on hard times since beating Duke back on February 17. They dropped four of their last five games, and aren't even able to count that lone win because it came against Division II N.C. State.

Wake's claim to fame is a coach named after an animated snorkasaurus that exhibits the characteristics of a typical domesticated canine, while the Seminoles boast the only player in the recorded history of the human race who was actually offered a basketball scholarship to play at Carolina but chose to attend Florida State instead. (By the way Uche, Mike Copeland says thanks).

Each team boasts two Old Testament characters on their roster. For the Deacons, it's David (Weaver) and Ishmael (Smith), while on the Seminoles sideline you'll find Isaiah (Swann) and Solomon (Alabi). At first blush, it would appear that Florida State has the upper hand in the all-important Old Testament category, since their duo carries a higher points per game average. However, it's unclear as to whether or not the fact that David was literally Solomon's daddy will translate to the court or if that will remain only a Biblical phenomenon.

Barring a miracle on par with Isaiah's parting of the Red Sea, neither of these teams will be receiving an invitation to the NCAA tournament. (Yes we know that it was Moses who parted the Red Sea; that just underscores how unrealistic it is to think that either team could be dancing).

(5) Miami vs. (12) N.C. State - After the Seminoles and Deacons have finished their slugfest, they'll give way to the Hurricanes and the Wolfpack. While the 5/12 game is usually a prime location for an upset in the NCAA tournament, don't count on it in this year's edition of the ACC tournament.

Miami is able to claim the honor of being this season's most improved ACC team, having finished in twelfth place last year, before jumping all the way to fifth this time around. And while that sentence would seem to set it up nicely for us to tell you that State suffered the most precipitous drop from last season to this season, that honor actually belongs to Virginia (tied for first last year to tenth this season). No, N.C. State is simply the team that--thanks to the offseason machinations of an always delusional fanbase--seems like they've fallen the farthest in the last twelve months. But in reality, their fall hasn't been nearly that dramatic; in fact, their 12th place finish is only two slots down from where they finished last season.

The game itself carries scores of riveting subplots. It will be a chance for payback for the Hurricanes, who lost to State in overtime back in January--a game which they literally poured into a silver goblet and then right down the Pack's collective throats. Take away that embarrassing outing, and the 'Canes are likely enjoying life as a lock to make the NCAA tournament instead of balancing precariously on the bubble.

Miami coach Frank Haith will be hoping to improve to 2-1 against the Wolfpack since they passed him over during their epic coaching search nearly two years ago. Haith, an Elon University graduate, had longed to return to the Tar Heel State to continue his coaching career, but Lee Fowler and the Wolfpack athletic department decided instead to pursue a littany of other candidates who longed to not be the coach at N.C. State. Haith, while disappointed at the time, is likely pleased to have sidestepped that particular land mine.

With a win, Miami is most likely headed to the NCAA tournament, while a win for the Wolfpack would put them above .500 and make them eligible to receive an NIT bid. Though even if they were to receive such a bid, Lee Fowler and the Wolfpack athletic department would likely turn it down and instead pursue a littany of other tournaments that they think would be more likely to please their demanding fan base.

Coming later...Georgia Tech/Virginia and Maryland/Boston College...

For whatever reason, I decided that the weekend of the Duke game would be a good time to leave Chapel Hill and go home to Newton for a couple of days. Benji says that if we win, they're going to use all of my belongings to build a bonfire. And I'm fine with that.

8:56 - Mom seems disappointed. She just asked if I "have to do the View from the Couch tonight." I would have thought that she would have been excited to be a part of something like this. By the way, she also says that Digger looks like Bob Hope with that hat he's wearing.

9:03 - Victim Gerald puts us in an early 3-0 hole. I do not like him.

9:07 - Wayne just put us on the board on one of those deals where you say, "No Wayne, don't take that shot (::swish:)...YEAH good shot Wayne."

9:09 - Dad is demanding that Ty come in the game.

9:10 - Ty obediently comes in and immediately dishes out an assist. Dad now fancies himself Herb Sendek (Or some other great coach. Herb was just the first great coach that came to mind).

9:14 - Peyton and Eli in the house. I've never really thought about it, but they both kinda look like they could be Duke students.

9:17 - Brian Zoubek's second foul induces Coach K's first profanity-laced tirade of the night. I can't tell if he's mad about the foul or the fact that he wasted a scholarship on the Zoubelator.

9:20 - Dad loves him some Danny Green. In fact, if I'd come home this weekend and announced that Danny and I were dating, I think he would have been cool with it.

9:21 - Tyler has no intentions of passing the rock tonight. He's tried to shoot through a quadruple team twice already.

9:24 - Friend-of-the-site Geoffrey texts to assure me that he's locked in tonight. Thanks, Geoffrey, for setting aside the Fox Soccer Channel for at least this one night. Although Dave says that Geoffrey has been espousing some wild Manchester United/Carolina theory all evening. Whatever that means.

9:31 - If you're also keeping score at home, can you verify that my numbers are correct? My records show that Vitale just uttered his sixteenth "are you kidding me," but that seems a little low.

9:34 - Are we switching on screens? Doesn't sound right.

9:37 - Probably just a bit too much Speedo coverage tonight for my comfort. And apparently the producer of this particular broadcast didn't know the meaning of New Speedo Guy's obscene gesture of choice, so now Dan Shulman has to apologize for it.

9:42 - Somehow Deon just got blocked by David McClure. The physics of that transaction aren't quite adding up for me.

9:45 - Danny just placed his, let's call it "loins," on the forehead of one Greg Paulus. Of course Paulus flopped, but to no avail. I squealed like a little girl, not gonna lie.

9:50 - After a few minutes of careful contemplation, I'm going to call Danny's dunk the best one we've had in Cameron since a freshman David Noel dunked the ball and Casey Sanders through the basket in '03.

9:53 - The halftime lead is eleven, but it feels like we're up by 20. Not sure if that's good or bad.

10:13 - Less than two minutes into the second half, and Demarcus Nelson already has his first two points of the night. Happy Senior Night, Angel Eyes!

10:15 - Remember last year when Paulus spent an entire season looking like he had no business even playing for East Chapel Hill High School, much less Duke? What happened to that Greg Paulus that we all know and love? I've grown weary of him being...dare I say...good.

10:22 - Mom's major complaint about the Heels tonight is that "they're passing the ball too fast. They need to slow it down." I'm almost positive that's not what Roy told them at the last TV timeout.

10:27 - Now Mom says we're "shooting too fast." Can't please this lady.

10:32 - We're going to wear the paint off the front of our rim before this game is over. I think we're actually so afraid of their flopping that we're short-arming all of our shots.

10:34 - Tie game. Brutal. But I agree with Benji who describes himself as "nervous, but strangely confident." Actually, on second thought, sign me up for "confident, but strangely nervous."

10:43 - Duke leads. My stomach hurts.

10:45 - First time I've been this frustrated with Tyler in a long time. Pass the flippin' ball, dude.

10:51 - Finally. Tyler gives us the lead back and surpasses the 2,000-point milestone all in one motion. At this point I'm still plenty nervous, but hesitant to call myself "strangely confident."

10:54 - Free throws from Ty put us up by four. (It's been nice to have him playing this time around, by the way. Did I mention that?).

10:57 - Wheeeeeeeeeeee! Danny dunks to put us up by eight. Then Nelson chucks up an airball...possibly his last shot in this building?

11:00 - Dad has now adopted Danny as a son. I mean, he's filled out the papers, signed on the line which is dotted, the whole deal. Danny and I are brothers now. This is awesome.

11:02 -- BALLGAME!!! I guess Benji is lighting my clothes on fire now. No problem, I'll just go to Wal-Mart tomorrow and get a new wardrobe...

It’s all come down to this. North Carolina. Duke. Roy Williams. Mike Krzyzewski. The battle for the ACC regular season championship. Winner takes all. Loser pretends that winning the regular season title is meaningless and that only the tournament trophy matters. (Whoever loses that will pretend that the ACC Championship is worthless and that they only care about winning the NCAA Title. It’s a vicious circle.)

Both the Heels and Devils enter Saturday’s showdown with identical 13-2 records. If Carolina emerges victorious, this will be the most regular season conference victories they’ve had in a season since 2004-2005. In case you’ve forgotten, Carolina won the National Championship that year. Not only that, but the second place team in ’04-05 (Wake Forest) finished at 13-3, which is exactly what Duke’s record will be if Roy Williams’ squad can pull out a win in Cameron Indoor Stadium.

Speaking of Cameron, have we discussed on this site before exactly how silly the name “Cameron Indoor Stadium” is? Is there another venue in these great United States that specifies whether it’s inside or outside? It’s not the Dean Indoor Dome, or the Royal Bank of Canada Indoor Center, or Littlejohn Indoor Coliseum. There seem to be only three possible explanations for spelling this feature of the arena out:

At this juncture in the season, many ACC junkies are taking a look at the conference standings, running some quick “what if” scenarios, and determining who would play who in the ACC tourney based on various outcomes during this weekend’s festivities. If you haven’t gotten around to tackling that task yet, let us save you the trouble. Don’t bother. Everyone reading this knows that Carolina and Duke are tied at 13-2 in the conference (refer to paragraph two), but what you may not know is that there isn’t a single team in the ACC that isn’t tied with at least one other team as we head into the final weekend of the regular season. Clemson and VT are tied for third at 9-6, Miami and Maryland are tied at 8-7, Wake, Florida State and GT sit with identical (and impressive!) 6-9 records, and State, Virginia, and BC are all vying for the coveted position of “bringing up the rear.”

While it’s somewhat comforting to know that the Heels control their own destiny with regard to where they’ll finish in the conference standings, it’s equally discomforting to know that the Blue Devils are in the same situation. Not only that, but Duke has fate on its side. With Tyler Hansbrough appearing on the cover of the March 10 issue of Sports Illustrated, the SI Jinx is due to rear its ugly head and prevent the Heels from winning on Saturday night. However, it has been pointed out that since the magazine is dated March 10 (two days after the battle in Durham), the jinx may not actually take effect until the ACC Tournament. Here’s hoping the curse gets confused and thinks Carolina plays on Thursday, then leaves town disappointed when it never sees the Boys in Blue take the court.

If the curse can be overcome and the Heels do, in fact, defeat the Devils, they’ll play at noon on Friday in the quarterfinals of the ACC Tournament. But if the jinx does its thing, we’ll have to wait until 7 Friday night to watch Carolina play. Would that be more convenient for people who have a day job? Absolutely. Unless, like Dave, your boss is a Duke fan…

Carolina Water Cooler Curator (and everyone’s favorite Raisin Bran enthusiast, as I will hereafter refer to him after two months as my roommate) John Stillman has added me to the CWC roster of talent. After a fierce competition for my services with ESPN.com, TarHeelBlue.com, and Cat Fancy Magazine, he secured my sharp wit and 70 word per minute typing skills with the promise that I could make fun of Dave and his dead bird Chapel as much as I want. That, along with the “Priceless Gym” t-shirt and the CWC Post-It notes pretty much sealed the deal for me. As Roy might say, “I could give a $@#! about Carolina Water Cooler right now.”

I guess I should tell all you loyal readers out there more about myself, since this is my first column. In January, I saved Stillman from sharing a cot at the YMCA with Matt Doherty by offering him the room in our duplex vacated by our former roommate, who happened to go by the nickname “the Possum.” (While I have yet to come up with a marsupial-based nickname for Stillman, seeing how it’s a tradition for former occupants of the room, I think it’s only fair we keep it going. You can send suggestions to dave@carolinawatercooler.com).

You might know me before that as Benji, the perpetually text-messaging friend from Stillman’s “View from the Couch.” I can assure you I won’t let any “text-speak” slip into my column, FWIW. I only talk that way to confuse my parents when I visit around the holidays.

I have been told that my first responsibility as “senior historian” (whatever the heck that means… I’ll just take it to mean I’m older than Stillman and Staley, so they did it because they thought I was around for the days of George “the blind bomber” Glamack) is to write a column about my ten favorite Duke players.

While most would equate writing such a column for a Carolina fan as something on par with recalling my favorite Toby Keith album (just kidding, Stillman, I consider every work in the Keith canon to be pure gold), I suppose in the interest of full disclosure, I should make a confession. I grew up a Duke fan.

I saw the light and came to my senses just before enrolling at Carolina. But I spent many of my formative years believing that the royal blue ones could do no wrong. Grant Hill walked on water, in my eyes. Coach K was somewhere between John Wooden and Mahatma Gandhi. And then I realized one year’s tuition at Duke cost about as much as a Ford expedition.

Looking back now on my young and foolish ways, I wonder what kind of dark blue Kool-Aid I must have been drinking to ever root for those Poindexters in Cameron. Have you seen these guys? I mean, they dress up as Vikings and gorillas to go to a basketball game and stand on the jump circle for hours after the game is over to “protect” it from rival fans. What was I thinking?

From time to time, I still find myself watching Duke. And any time I watch Duke, I’m always amazed by the make up of their roster. By that I mean that I couldn’t conceive of most of the guys on their team playing for any other school in Division 1. Everything about these guys says “I was either going to play for Duke or spend the next four years of my life playing ‘World of Warcraft’ in my dorm at Cornell.”

With that in mind, and so many worthy candidates to choose from in my years of basketball viewing, I give you my ten favorite Duke players (in no particular order):

Marty Clark: This guy will always have a soft spot in my heart. No other player could quite combine the looks of Opie Taylor with the hops of Michael Jordan like Marty. Plus he rocked that sweet crew cut. What’s not to love?

Matt Christensen: The Stormin’ Mormon. Wow. This guy brought intensity to a new level. And by a new level I mean that slightly scary, weirded-out feeling you get when somebody fouls the 40-year-old who's playing pick-up at the YMCA a little too hard and he chucks a basketball through a window. Matt always brought the pain, and I’ll always remember his meltdown in his last NCAA Tournament game against Indiana. I’m pretty sure he assaulted a referee in his Incredible-Hulk style freak-out, but that’s neither here nor there. Kudos to those who remember him as the “other member” of the heralded class of 1999 that included Taymon Domzalski. Matt finished his career a little later than Taymon because he took a few years to complete a Mormon mission. No word on whether or not he strong-armed any Ethiopians into converting by threatening to crush their heads between his biceps.

Greg Newton: Ah, Greg Newton. He may or may not have been the first Canadian player to matriculate at Duke. The earliest memories of Greg are of his involvement in a cheating scandal from a computer science class he took during his sophomore year (a.k.a. Coach K’s “lost season” of 1994-95). I also remember that during Greg’s senior season, K “called out his manhood” (read John Feinstein’s “A March to Madness” for more gems from the 1996-97 ACC season) and took away his starting job in an attempt to solicit more passion and tougher play from him. Newton responded to K’s challenge by getting several more tattoos and shaving his head. He did not return to the starting lineup that season. A quick Google search of Greg’s name directed me to an interview he conducted with a web site called “FrozenHoops.com.” They informed Greg that he was being considered for their list of the top 100 Canadian basketball players of all time. Greg also tells FrozenHoops that Mike Brey made the biggest impact on his life during his time at Duke because he was one of the few who “told it to you straight.” Feel the chill.

Lee Melchionni: I must yield the floor in my endorsement of Lee Melchionni to Stillman, who has a far more interesting Lee Melchionni story than I could ever share.

Chris Collins: Aside from his current role as Coach K’s parrot on the bench, Chrissy is perhaps best known for cavorting around the court and waving his arms in the air like Bono after a three-pointer. Also worthy to note that these shots usually occurred as Duke was losing to UNC by 13 or so points. Chris played during one of the “darker” periods of Duke basketball, only making it to one Final Four in 1994 on the shoulders of Grant Hill. He was 1-7 against UNC during his career as a player. Chris is also the son of current TNT analyst and former Chicago Bulls coach Doug Collins. When Chris announced he was going to Duke, Michael Jordan allegedly told him “You’ll always be my boy, but now that you’re going to Duke, I can’t talk to you any more.”

Dahntay Jones: This guy. Man, don’t get me started. This preening, flexing, taunting, punk. Next one. Don’t get me started.

Jon Scheyer: Jon is perhaps the best example of what I mentioned at the beginning of this column about guys you couldn’t picture playing anywhere else. I mean, really. Do you think his parents slapped a Duke onesie on Jon right after he was delivered? The pasty white complexion. The anguished grimaces that look like he’s constipated every time he drives the lane. He even went to Chris Collins’ high school. Don’t tell me we won’t see this guy sitting on the bench between assistant coaches Greg Paulus and Taylor King.

Shane Battier: Oh, sweet Moses. Shane Battier was the epitome of everything that I hate about Duke. It probably didn’t help that at the time he was killing us every year (during my time at UNC, Duke was 9-2 against us), my roommate was a professed Duke fan and Shane Battier apologist. I remember when we went to the Final Four in Indianapolis to watch the Heels play Florida our freshman year, he flipped out when he saw Battier walking down the sidewalk. Another funny story: one time he fell asleep reading an ESPN the Magazine profile of Battier. I was on the top bunk, and I heard this mumbling coming from the bottom bunk. He was talking in his sleep, muttering “Battier, he’s so ripped.” I kid you not. I blame Shane for the current proliferation of defensive flopping across this great land of ours. This was something Shane started when he realized referees would call the player he was guarding for an offensive foul if he fell head over heels backwards every time sometime made contact with him. This led to some funny cases of Shane landing on his back every time one of his teammates left the locker room door open and a stiff breeze blew through.

Greg Paulus: Greg is currently regarded as the most hated Duke player on the roster now, and probably the most loathed in college basketball overall, as well. Who is the source on this? None other than former public enemy number-1 J.J. Redick. Greg picked up the flopping gene from Daddy Battier, as well as the clutch, grab and slap method from assistant coach Steve Wojciechowski (you might be asking yourself now- Benji, why isn’t Wojo on your list? Well, that’s a topic for another day. I’d hate to limit Wojo to a paragraph. I could write a master’s thesis on Wojo. In fact, as soon as I can get the Carnegie Foundation to support my research, I’m going to begin work on “Polish Point Guards, Floor Slapping, and the Great White Hope: Media Coverage of Duke Basketball at the Turn of the Century). So anyway, yeah, what was I saying? I hate Paulus.

J.J. Redick: When I was a wet behind the ears enterprising recent college graduate and aspiring journalist, I interned at a local newspaper covering crime on the weekend. One of the sports reporters at this paper (who was shortly thereafter fired for having porn on his work computer) picked up a tip from a message board poster that Mr. Redick had been arrested at a UNC baseball game for underage possession. So he sent me on a wild goose chase to find any evidence I could of this citation. I had to track down a UNC police officer on bike to let me into the UNC campus police substation in order to look through the records to see if I could find anything about this. When I told him my predicament and asked if he had heard anything to this effect, he said, “No I haven’t, but I hope it’s true. I hate Duke.” So there you have it. Even the police hate Duke. While I never found evidence of J.J’s arrest, I didn’t need written proof to convict him of douchebaggery in the first degree. On a side note, I never knew what the “shocker” was until a friend saw J.J. doing it during games after he made a three-pointer. Since this is a family site, I’m going to leave that to Urban Dictionary to explain.

"Well it was a fitting way for Q to go out. One humorous thing, the crowd started chanting "We want Surry" and I told them to be quiet I was the coach. Another humorous thing...the other day Ty said he was ready to come back and play, and Q told him to be quiet because he's the point guard. It was a great night for Surry. Getting those two baskets early is something he will remember for the rest of his life. Q calls him the Pale Rider. Quentin did a nice job, got three fouls that could not of been called, but they were called. I made a note of the name of the official who made those calls. He'll be serving as Q's cabana boy circa one year from now. Still to come back, he made some big hoops for us in the second half. To go through, as I said earlier, all that young man has gone through, it was a great night for him. I've never told this story before, but one time I walked in my office and he was in there stealing Cokes out of my refrigerator. I grabbed the nearest blunt object I could find and tried to attack him with it, but the next thing I knew I was lying flat on my back, staring at the ceiling with blood trickling down my forehead. We immediately put out a press release saying that I'd tripped over a computer cord in my office and banged my head on the wall. That's the day that I learned not to mess with that youngster.

The second half offensively we were pretty doggone good. Q dunked toward the end. It was pretty dadgum sick nasty stank. We shot 76% percent I think with about a minute to go. It would have been 86% if I hadn't had to take Q out so he could get his standing ovation. We had better spacing and got the ball where we wanted it. And Q dunked.

On shooting so well from the field

"I think Ty is still not comfortable enough to take the ball to the basket in a crowd of people. Fortunately, Q is awfully dadgum comfortable. Not sure if you saw him dunk on them fools or not. We said the other day it is probably going to take a while for him to get comfortable. Of course, he's free to take his time. He can come back at full strength tomorrow and be Q's backup, or he can come back later at full strength and be Q's backup. We've left it up to him. I called a set play for Ty when we were out of bounds underneath, he is a confident rascal, I said are you ready to make one and he said yeah. We call the play for him and he made the three right in front of me. I immediately pulled him out the game, because he can't thank the passer quite like the Q-man. It is important against a team who is trying to keep the ball away from Tyler and make jump shots. Still Tyler did not have a great night by any means, but 20 points and 9 rebounds it makes you feel pretty good. I'll tell you what else feels pretty good. Have you ever heard about Q's back rubs? Ooooo Sunny Jim, that rascal gives a good massage.

On Lawson leaving the first half early

"I think during the course of the game you can't feel sorry yourself and you can't do that. I actually asked him to leave early like that because it really fits in with our philosophy of publicizing all of our injuries and making sure everybody knows about them. You just got to tell yourself I have Q with three fouls and Marcus at point guard. Remember that ref? The one that called the three fouls on Q? He's being water-boarded as we speak. If we need to play zone we will play zone. We won't play zone. Dadgummit. We told the kids we might play some zone just to stay out of foul trouble. All lies. Roy Williams doesn't play zone. We never got to that point, even though at one time I started signaling that I didn't like the personnel we had in the lineup at that time. I thought about pulling out all five guys and sticking Q out there by himself, but I didn't want Leonard to think I was showing up his team. Generally, I am just thinking about the next play and trying to do the best, make sure we have the right personnel in. If Q is in the game, then we have the right personnel in. If we don't have Q in the game, I just put him in the game and call it a night.

On the team's defense

"Well we have gotten better and I tried to give them a confidence boost right before the game. I showed them a picture of Q and said, "This could be you one day." I saw a lot of goosebumps on those youngsters' arms. I just wrote one word on the board, instead of three factors or suggestions, I just wrote our defense. Our defense is called "Q." It involves four guys standing in the paint while Q inflicts his own unique brand of pain on the opposition. The first half we held them to 39%, but we didn't make many shots but we still had a 12 point lead. I do believe we are getting better and better defensively, but we need to continue doing that. I've never told this story before, but one time Q shot a man in Reno. Just to watch him die. Dadgum, I'm gonna miss that sucker.

Ok, Sidney, I've had enough. It's one thing if you want to bring pain and heartache to Wolfpack nation, but when it starts affecting MY life, you've crossed the line. I haven't seen a person (or in your case, group of people) choke like that since Jean Van de Velde at the 1999 British Open. And yes, I'm conveniently choosing to forget Georgetown last year, thanks.

3:37 - Apparently this is some sick ploy to force people to watch arena football. I can just see the suits at ABC sitting around saying, "Hmm...I bet if we say that Carolina is playing at 3:30, then we'll have thousands of people tuning in, and we can shove arena football down their throats for 15 minutes and get our highest ratings ever!!!" Well, we're not falling for their ploy here at the house. Instead we're watching a Spike TV special on midget bullfighters. Most of them are getting gored.

3:42 - Dave checks in on the text message machine to say that he'd rather watch figure skating than arena football. I, on the other hand, would almost rather watch the midget bullfighters than our game. Seriously, this is incredible, highly-underrated programming.

3:47 - We're underway, and John Oates just got whistled for a technical after doing 17 chin-ups on the rim after a dunk. The most amazing thing is that he looks shocked that they would have the audacity to make such a call.

3:48 - For no apparent reason whatsoever, Benji just started singing Oops I Did it Again. And now the whole world knows because I just put it on the interweb.

3:50 - Well, we're getting crushed. 13-2, less than three minutes into the game. And now, here's Deon with an airball. If this keeps up, maybe they'll switch it back to arena football.

3:51 - 16-2. Tyrese Rice is on pace to score in triple digits. That's not even an exaggeration. Remember that game when Tayshaun Prince was hitting shots from just inside halfcourt? It's reminiscent of that.

3:58 - Who's this kid that just came in the game for us? He's wearing Ty's jersey number and a big ankle brace. I don't recognize him though.

4:00 - Never seen anything like this. Rice has 20 of their 24 points. Probably not the greatest situation for Ty's welcome back party.

4:02 - 24 of 27 their points. I'm not even frustrated anymore. In fact, I'm reminded of Ron Burgundy talking to Baxter in Anchorman: "You ate the whole wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? I'm not even mad...that's AMAZING!!!"

4:09 - Benji is standing close to the TV in hopes of changing what's happening on the screen. It's actually pretty amazing that we're only down 13 right now.

4:13 - Text from Aroc: "Is Al Skinner still sponsored by Bass Pro Shops?" If you're confused, please refer to the Separated at Birth Archives.

4:22 - 27 of their 40 points. With, as Brad Nessler just said, "almost a handful of minutes left in the half."

4:34 - "Find Rice or you'll be fried rice." - Jimmy Dykes, March 1, 2008.

4:37 - I never thought I'd be so happy to "only" be down by 14 at halftime to a team with a 4-9 ACC record. Other than a few (ok, maybe several) instances where we've drifted away from Rice on defense, we haven't played that badly.

4:55 - Second half underway. Tyrese Rice. Steal. Layup.

4:56 - Rice again. 38 points. Jimmy Dykes keeps telling us to call our friends and tell them to turn the game on. Apparently ABC is pulling out all the stops today to boost ratings. In the first half, it was the arena football trick and now they're trying some sort of everybody-tell-a-friend campaign for the second half.

5:00 - I kinda like having Ty as part of the blue team when Roy pulls a five-for-five substitution.

5:06 - Danny for three. Then Wayne for three. The lead is six. Lots of time left. Feeling good. Typing short sentences. Not sure why.

5:12 - We're baaaaaaack!!! The lead is down to one. Aroc says, "Al Skinner: Heavy drinker since March 2008."

5:16 - Back in front for the moment. Feels kinda good. I think we should just turn it back to Spike TV and assume that we win the game.

5:24 - Remember how Wayne and Danny couldn't hit the broad side of a barn in the Duke game? Well, they're both making up for it now, and we're up by seven. All is forgiven. Well, most of it anyway.

5:40 - If Ty keeps up the good work, he could end up being a really solid backup to Q during the stretch run.

5:43 - This probably rivals the Clemson comeback as my favorite game of the season. Tyrese Rice had 46 points. Forty-six. And we won by 10. Good stuff. Back to the midget bullfighters...

On Saturday, North Carolina will head in the direction from whence Yankees come to take on the Eagles of Boson College. The casual college basketball follower likely thinks that the game will be played in Boston, whereas the more knowledgeable fan knows the game will be played in Chestnut Hill. Few, if any, college basketball followers are aware that portions of Boston are actually in Chestnut Hill, which is an unincorporated municipal entity – or, to the layman, a small village where rich people live.

Over the past month and a half, the Eagle basketball team has made a strong push to finish dead last in the ACC standings. After starting 3-0, with victories over Maryland, Wake, and Miami, BC has dropped eight of their last nine games. Their only victory was a 17 blowout against Sidney Lowe’s Wolfpack, with whom they are competing for the coveted “cellar dweller” position.

While Boston College has been battling for last, Carolina has been jockeying for position at the top of the conference. Currently, the Heels are tied with the Blue Devils for first place, and are coming off a six day break since their impressive victory over Wake Forest. Oddly enough, last time the Eagles and Tar Heels tangled, North Carolina was coming off an incredibly long eight day layoff. Of course, that break made for a terribly long week for Carolina fans, whereas this time the hope is that the time off will have given the ailing Heels a chance to recuperate from the plethora of injuries affecting the team.

Carolina Water Cooler would like to apologize for our inaccurate prediction regarding how BC would finish this season in our first preview of the Eagles. We claimed that Al Skinner’s club would lose one more game than they lost in the previous season from now until a decade from now, when they would finally wind up 0-16 and disband their program. As it turns out, the Eagles are way ahead of schedule, and will only be able to finish 7-9 this season at best, not 9-7 as we predicted. Our apologies for being dyslexic.

As the Eagles season has progressed – and by “progressed,” we mean “drawn to a conclusion,” not “actually made progress” – their attendance has no doubt plummeted. Maybe plummeted is a poor choice of words…it’s not like it had that far to drop to begin with. But regardless of the term you use to describe the attendance decline, the administration has been desperately trying to come up with some ploy to draw fans back to the Silvio O. Conte Forum. Most recently, they contemplated setting up the arena in the same format as it is for hockey games (which basically means setting up the ice and calling the arena “Kelley Rink” instead of “Conte Forum”), but the NCAA quickly stepped in and nixed that idea.

The game will be aired at 3:30 on ABC, which in recent history has been a terrible omen for Carolina. We’ll have to consult the record books and get back with you, but somewhere in the vicinity of the last 43 Carolina games played on Saturday on ABC have resulted in the Heels losing. Luckily, with this week’s game being played against Boston College, Carolina has nothing to worry about.

If you need a ticket, there are plenty available – the rich people who live in the village of Chestnut Hill have no desire to venture out in the cold to watch this year’s Eagles attempt to play basketball.

In response to the Stillman's Wake Forest View...

OK, you have to go out and rent "Misery" right now. (Y'know the whole point of those DirectTV commercials is to turn movies that everyone has seen into commercials, right?)
Edgar P., bornandbreded.wordpress.com

You know, the amazing thing is that I'd wondered if that commercial had something to do with Misery. I knew one thing and one thing only about the movie, and that was that a crazy lady broke the ankles of some author. Had no idea that the crazy lady was Kathy Bates and the author was James Caan. Looks like I have a cinematic adventure awaiting me this weekend.


Frank Brickowski...my wife and I have great memories of him, except it's from his time with the Bucks. He was pretty good in Milwaukee, but I think he fell off after leaving.
Larry K. in Milwaukee

Just gotta get this out of the way...are you Larry Krystkowiak by any chance? How many guys named "Larry K" can there be in Milwaukee? Anyway, if you are Larry Krystkowiak, please bring David Noel back up from the D-League.

Also, congratulations on composing the longest email ever written where Frank Brickowski was the main subject.


Brian Zoubek is at least as overrated as those KFC Hot Wings.
Wayne K. in Wilmington

Right you are, Wayne. And believe us, very few things/people/animals/minerals are as overrated as those KFC Hot Wings, but Zoubie is definitely in that elite group.


I am one of the millions reading this classic understated website. I LOVE you guys (hetro-laced of course) Please keep up the good work!!!!!!!
Chuck

"Hetero-laced" is definitely a word that we're going to use as much as possible for the remainder of our lives. New rule: anybody who uses the phrase "hetero-laced" gets an automatic appearance in the mailbag.


In response to Carolina's win in Charlottesville...

Fresh off the close shave at Virginia ...can we all agree that if your fans paint their not-so-toned "abs" with the faces of your players, you automatically forfeit the game?
Kate B. in Columbia, S.C.

We were willing to give those guys a pass because the paintings were actually pretty impressive. But after careful consideration, this is probably a good rule. Although there has to be some kind of allowance for hetero-laced activities like that...


I cracked up when I read that quote by Jay Bilas in your view-from-the-couch on the State game, because my friends and I were joking about his genius quotes the whole time during the game ourselves. Did you guys catch this one about Tyler: "I don't know if he plays the hardest of anyone I've ever seen...but I've never seen anyone play harder."? Makes me think I should forget about Poli. Sci. and major in sports commentary.
Miles H. in Chapel Hill

If it makes you feel any better, Jay is pretty much the best in the business. So with that being said, you can probably major in Poli-Sci and still get a gig alongside Mike Patrick someday. Isn't that every kid's dream? To work with Mike Patrick? And if he retires/dies of extremely old age/gets assassinated by a disgruntled fan of (insert any school here), then you can still work with Jimmy Dykes. And Jimmy can teach you a thing or two about chemistry, what with his labcoat and test tubes and everything. Basically, you're on pace to be a Poli-Sci/Chemistry double major in about five years.

So you're all familiar with friend-of-the site Aroc, yes? Well, he works for FedEx, which is, of course, in Memphis. So Dave asked Aroc if he ever sees any Memphis athletes around FedEx, or if they just have their checks mailed to them. Aroc replied that FedEx just does direct deposit to their Cayman Island accounts. Ah, that's good stuff. Ok, on to our game...

6:33 - Before we're allowed to see our game, they're making us watch the end of State losing to Virginia. Is anyone starting to wish that we'd let West Virginia into the ACC and kicked State out back when we expanded?

6:42 - Tyler just had one of his filthiest dunks ever. I know I say that at least once a week, but this time I mean it. (Game has started, by the way).

6:51 - Chas McFarland's name bothers me. Would it have been that much trouble for his parents to spell "Chas" with an "e" like everybody else? I guess we should go ahead and come up with the All-Mispelled Names Team. Clearly, Chas is on there. Also Antawn is a unanimous vote-getter. Might as well go ahead and throw "Stepheson" in there, just because there should be an "n" in there, even if it isn't pronounced that way. Help me out here, I know there's more...

7:04 - Kristin wants to know if Skip Prosser was a good coach. Dave says the jury is still out. I can't decide if that's an inappropriate comment or not, because it feels kinda true.

7:09 - Aroc says he's not sure whether to watch the game or watch Barbara Walters interviewing Hannah Montana. I'm not even going to ask how he knows about that.

7:18 - I don't mean to belabor the point about how bad State is, but why exactly is Wake so much better than the Pack? State clearly has as good--or better--talent, and they only lost one guy from last year's team. And that one guy was a small Turkish lad that was hurt for half of last season anyway. Wake, on the other hand, has a kid named "Ish" that's pretty good, a guy named Chase without the "e" playing center, and they tragically lost their beloved coach over the summer. And yet, they're head and shoulders above those clowns in West Raleigh. I guess I lied before when I said I didn't mean to belabor the point. I kinda did mean to.

7:22 - Dave has an impressive knack for playing the "That's what she said" game whenever Timmy Brando is calling a game. Kinda makes me forget that we're having trouble putting Wake away.

7:29 - I like Dino Gaudio. Still think he looks like Fred Ward, but I like him.

7:31 - Aroc: "Barbara Walters is just amazing. Such journalistic prowess."

7:33 - I've recently gotten some complaints that the View from the Couch has been too reliant upon comments from Benji recently. So, if you'll notice, there will be no Benji comments tonight. (Mostly it's because he's on an airplane right now, but also to teach you people a lesson).

7:37 - How often does Wayne hit a three-pointer as time expires in the first half? Seems like roughly every other game.

7:39 - If you're tempted to go buy some of those KFC hot wings because you've seen the commercial 47 times since our game started, don't do it. I fell for it once. Those wings were more overrated than Chris "The Next Bill Walton" Burgess.

7:58 - Another commercial question/complaint...on the DirecTv commercial where James Caan is strapped to a bed and some lady is standing over him with a sledgehammer, what exactly is she going to do to him?

8:06 - I can't be positive, but I think Mike Gminski just compared Quentin to Trent Dilfer. I used to have a lot of Trent Dilfer jokes that would probably work well here, but I can't remember any of them.

8:15 - Since the theme of the night is evidently comparing our players to old, slow, white guys, they're now saying Tyler is the next Dave Cowens. Maybe we could get a former Hornets coach theme going on here. I'll go ahead and call Ty the next Gene Littles. And Surry Wood is the next Allan Bristow. I'm still undecided on the next Paul Silas, but I'm leaning toward Deon for that one. And while we're at it, can we do former Hornets players too? And can we expand it to include guys from other ACC teams? Let's make Chas McFarland the next George Zidek. And Kyle Singler is the next Kelly Tripucka. Ah, I could do this all day...

8:19 - Aroc: "I believe when they just got in the huddle, Dino said, 'I don't know...any suggestions?'"

8:34 - Got another one...I'd like to nominate Brian Zoubek as the next Frank Brickowski. Ok, I'm done.

8:36 - They just showed a clip of Marcus studying on the court before the game started. Reminds me of the time last season when some guy in the risers was there studying for a class at the dental school and he asked Reyshawn to sign his textbook because it was the only thing he had that Rey could write on. So Reyshawn signed his dental school textbook, looking perplexed all the while.

8:47 - And there's your ballgame. By ourselves at the top of the ACC. I'm a fan of that. Also, Ben McCauley = Vlade Divac. Good night.

Ok, wolfpackers...I don't usually run my mouth much before the game actually starts, but these are extenuating circumstances. There was red paint on the Old Well today. Normally I'd be tempted to turn vigilante and retaliate by defacing something on your campus. Problem is, I can't think of anything among that collection of eyesores that I could actually make look any worse than it already does. So, alas, I'll just have to take some solace in watching you get your teeth kicked in tonight.

7:03 - In a bizarre turn of events, this game has actually started on time. In another bizarre turn of events, State has scored first. In a decidedly less bizarre turn of events, Tyler promptly responded with a sick spin move and layup to tie the game. And in a completely anticipated turn of events, State fans think he travelled.

7:06 - Quentin Thomas is the bus driver. He takes everybody to school.

7:09 - Quite the shootout we have going on here. I like our chances if this is going to be the theme of the night.

7:12 - Queer! I'm not actually calling somebody a queer, I just wanted to have three straight entries that started with the letter "q" and that was the first word that came to mind.

7:17 - As I watch Marcus shoot free throws, I'm reminded of this story by friend-of-the-site Dan Wiederer. If you haven't read it, go ahead and do that.

7:25 - Direct quote from Jay Bilas: "Tyler might have walked a little bit there, but he was dribbling so they didn't call it." That's like saying, "It would have been snowing outside, but it was 78 degrees, so it wasn't."

7:30 - Stacey Dales just interviewed Curly from the Harlem Globetrotters. I remember that guy!!! He was on Scooby Doo once!!!

7:39 - I guess I'm just going to have to come to terms with the notion that Mike Patrick is always going to pronounce it "Hans-bur-o." Surprisingly, though, he actually pronounces "Stepheson" correctly. And it's especially fun when he laughs at Jay's jokes as if he just watched the Fall of Edgar for the first time.

7:44 - Outstanding end to the half. Adequate defense (honestly, I don't know how much we had to do with Ferguson's airball), good ball movement, and a great shot by Wayne to give us the lead. And then to top it all off, ESPN hits us with a Jackie Moon/Old Spice commercial. What a terrific 90-second sequence of events!

8:01 - Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever win again after Tyler is gone.

8:04 - Q...coast to coast...and one. Any chance we can get a fifth year of eligibility for him?

8:08 - We're at the first TV timeout of the half, and we've extended our lead to 12. Only Tyler and Q have scored for us.

8:13 - Other people are scoring for us now. And we are administering a beat down.

8:21 - At this point, one of my biggest regrets in life is that Sidney Lowe beat us the first time he coached a game against us, and that's something we can never take away from him. Although it would be pretty funny if he ended his State career with a 1-18 record against Carolina.

8:27 - Benji just ran upstairs for something, but from the top of the steps he heard the RBC Center crowd erupt with joy and quickly came back with a look of panic wanting to know what had happened. The answer? Ben McCauley hit a layup to cut our lead down to 13.

8:39 - Apparently Gavin Grant was horribly misquoted back during the summer. He didn't say, "We won't lose more than four games." What he really said was, "We won't lose more than four ACC games. In a row." Somehow the words "ACC" and "in a row" were omitted from the original manuscript.

8:41 - Never seen a team lay down quite like the 'Pack. Marcus just took the ball from 30 feet and drove right down the middle of the lane for a dunk, and nobody got within four feet of him. As Ron White would say, "These boys have a lot of quit in 'em."

8:52 - I kinda stopped paying attention there toward the end, but I think we won by 14 or so. Now let's go celebrate, paint the town red, if you will. Oh wait, somebody already did that last night...

I planned to boycott the writing of any and all previews until Tywon Lawson returned to the Carolina lineup. After two weeks, however, my conscience won’t allow me to continue to deprive Carolina Water Cooler’s valued readers of the pre-game insight you deserve. Also, Stillman threatened to beat me up if I didn’t write anything prior to the Heels’ game against the North Carolina State Wolfpack.

The Pack have had a roller coaster-esque season thus far, filled with downs and occasional ups. As usual, it started in the up position. Several months before the season started – in fact, before football even started – superstar Gavin Grant predicted that his squad wouldn’t lose more than four games this year. Many of Grant’s supporters have pointed out that if by “this year,” Gavin meant “2007,” then he was correct, as State only had three losses before ringing in 2008. The boldness of Grant’s statement was surely partially responsible for N.C. State being ranked number 21 in the nation in the preseason. There’s really no other explanation for that.

After beginning the season on the high note of that prediction, the roller coaster took State fans in the somewhat familiar downward direction. After just the second game of the season, Gavin Grant’s prophecy was already 25% fulfilled, as the Pack lost at home to the New Orleans Privateers. But the coaster quickly surged back up as the Wolfpack took home the coveted Old Spice Challenge Championship over the Thanksgiving holiday. State defeated Villanova in the event’s final game by sinking two free throws with 0.4 seconds to play. If this script sounds familiar, it’s because just last week those same Wildcats lost to Georgetown as the Hoyas drained two free throws with 0.1 seconds on the clock.

It was after that sensational three game stretch that the wheels began to come off the proverbial roller coaster for the Wolfpack. Sidney Lowe’s squad was blown out by Michigan State, and followed that up by becoming the first ever ACC team to lose to East Carolina. Just as things seemed to possibly be going well for State again, point guard Farnold Degand – or Foghorn Leghorn, as he’s sometimes referred to – went down for the season with a torn ACL. Not long after that, the Pack was steamrolled by North Carolina in Chapel Hill (State’s fourth loss of the season), and now sits at 4-7 in the ACC, tied for 8th with Boston College.

Earlier this week, however, some good news did come out of Raleigh. Lorenzo Charles, the best dunker of air balls in the history of NCAA Championship games, was announced as a 2008 ACC Basketball Legend. Each Atlantic Coast Conference institution is represented by an individual formerly affiliated with the school, and these men will be honored by the conference at this year’s ACC Tournament. Among those joining Charles in being recognized are Lefty Driesell, Mike Gminski, Kenny Anderson, and a fella from Emporia, Kansas, named Dean Smith.

Apparently, in addition to these legitimate legends, John Swofford was also coerced into allowing Boston College, Miami, and Virginia Tech to induct their own illegitimate legends. This makes no sense. None of these school’s “ACC legends” were ever members of the ACC, nor are they legends. Glen Combs played at Virginia Tech in the late ‘60’s and doesn’t even know that Glenn has two Ns. Miami’s nominee, Tim James, was the co-Big East Player of the Year in 1999. He didn’t even win the award outright. As long as we’re tossing around the title “ACC legend,” why don’t we give it to Richard Hamilton, as well, since he shared the Big East Player of the Year award with James. And don’t even get me started on BC’s legend, Bill Curley - a senior on the 1994 squad that eliminated Carolina from the NCAA Tournament.

More legends will have the opportunity to be born on Wednesday night when the Heels and Pack square off at 7 p.m. in the RBC Center. If you can’t be there, you’ll want to be sure to tune in on ESPN to see who it will be. My money is on Patrick Moody (he’s far more deserving than Tim James).

Hey hoops fans, it’s me, Dickie V! Well, it was Shock City on tobacco road as Wake Forest brought home a major W against second-ranked Duke. You really have to tip your hat to Coach, uh . . . uhm… er. . . to that head coach for Wake Forest for a great job preparing his team.

Even in defeat, this was a great game for Duke. There were just so many positives to take away from it. Take for instance that big time performance by Jon Scheyer. We’re talking four rebounds – that’s right, four – by a guard coming in off the bench! What a glass eater this kid has become! That’s what you call making the most of an 0 for 8 shooting night. It’s making lemonade from lemons – L-squared you might say!

It was also good to see Duke’s big man, Brian Zoubek, return to form with his four minutes of PT. Sure, he was another goose egg from the floor, but he makes up for it with so many intangibles. Like when he drew Wake big man Chas McFarland into that double technical foul in the first half. It was awesome, with a Capital A!

You also have to like the solid game by Gerald Henderson. I’m just so impressed by the maturation of this super sophomore. Even as the Dukies were putting the finishing touches on their brick city performance, and even as Gerald himself folded like a cheap lawn chair, not once did he jump from behind a Wake player like a sniveling coward and bury his famous forearm into a nose. Granted, he fouled out before the point in the game when he did that to Tyler Hansbrough, but I really believe he would have made it to the final horn without fracturing anyone’s face!

But the thing about this Duke team that you have to like most is the heart and the passion. These kids left everything on the floor tonight, and I really thought they would pull it out to the very end. In fact, each of those three times when Coach K had more time put back on the game clock it took me back to last year’s come from behind W against Clemson! And nothing gets me more excited than the thought of Coach K coming from behind!

The bottom line here is that nobody but nobody plays to the final horn like the Duke Blue Devils. It’s all about that name on the front of the jersey, baby! Did you notice, for example, how Mr. Paulus continued to flop on each and every Wake Forest fast break? A lot of people don’t know this, but Duke keeps stats on flops, and Mr. Paulus hit the deck a total of 24 times. That’s what you call giving it up for the team, baby! It was almost as if he enjoyed it. Yes, my friends, I really believe that Mr. Paulus truly gets off on pounding the hardwood with passion each and every night!

Ok, this is indubitably nonsensical. For those of you in Burke County, that means "pretty ridiculous." But from what I've heard, there's a chance that we could be playing this game with four scholarship players. Bobby tore his ACL, Ty has a high ankle sprain, Deon has a bad knee, Danny has the flu, Marcus has a bad toe and ankle, Wayne was given a frontal lobotomy last night, and Alex evidently had to go the hospital for an emergency colonoscopy. That leaves us with Q, Graves, Copeland, and Tyler. And Tyler actually lost his left arm in a bizarre chainsaw accident on Thursday, but he'll still play, because he's Tyler.

1:02 - Well, we're told that Deon will start and Danny is "probable." I can imagine playing with the flu wouldn't be the most thrilling experience, although I played a game in middle school when I had strep throat and it was one of my better games of the season. Granted, with the way I played that season, having "one of my better games" was an honor roughly equivalent to being the "busiest dentist in Knoxville."

1:13 - While I was hearkening back to my middle school days, the fellows on the television were jumping out to a 14-5 lead. Alex nearly brought down the backboard with a dunk. I think he fell down while running back down the court.

1:16 - Benji from the Dean Dome: "The guy in front of me has a head the size of Sputnik." What exactly goes on in Benji's section? Last time there was a blind guy behind him, and now he's seated behind Stewie from Family Guy.

1:20 - Is it possible that VCU is the best team in the Commonwealth? I think you could combine the best players from Virginia Tech and Virginia, and they'd still struggle to beat State. The previous sentence is an example of the literary technique known as "hyperbole."

1:25 - Just to clarify something that was an issue of contention this week. The picture on the front page with Dave and I embracing after the Clemson game should viewed with only the most platonic of interpretations. Dave is married (Kristin took the picture, in fact) and I--while single--have an affinity for the ladies. Just wanted to clear that up. But thanks anyway for the email invitation to go see a Broadway show with you, Marty from San Francisco.

1:32 - Benji: "Does Lawson have ebola?"

1:36 - Copeland, Graves, and Stepheson aren't going to be the horses that we ride to the Final Four. Though their surnames would make for a formidable law firm.

1:45 - Benji wants to know if Q has ever dunked before. I'm not positive that he has, but Dave swears that he remembers one. At any rate, he just did it now.

1:48 - Ha! Q just dunked again! I guess the question now becomes, "Has Q ever dunked twice in less than two minutes?" I submit to you, with confidence, that he has not. This is good times.

1:56 - Have you ever seen those machines at Pizza Hut or other similar restaurants that allow you to test your grip? If there's one of those machines anywhere in Chapel Hill, I guarantee that Tyler has all of the high scores on it.

2:13 - Dave wants to know if State will fire Sidney so that they can hire Kelvin Sampson when he's available in a few days. Might not be a bad idea.

2:19 - I can't be certain, but I think I just saw Q make a backdoor cut, catch a perfect pass from Copeland, and lay it up. There's a possibility that I could be watching this game in a parallel universe.

2:33 - I hereby rescind any previous comments I may have made about the inadequacy of Graves and Copeland. I not only believe that either one of them could end up being the ACC Player of the Year this season, but I would be delighted for either of them to marry my daughter. You know, if I had a daughter.

2:49 - We're winning a conference game by 40 points. Without two of our point guards. And Alex just threw down an alley oop from Wayne on a fast break. And now Wayne just drilled a three. And now Danny has stolen the ball and taken it the length of the court. You know, when I started typing this entry, I really just wanted to tell you that we were up by 40, but then other things kept happening.

2:59 - Anytime that the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill trots out a whitewash for the final two and a half minutes of a game, you can rest assured that things have gone well on that particular afternoon.

3:02 - I spoke too soon. Greg Little has entered the game and ruined the whitewash. Or as Benji says it, "broken the scrub color barrier." Oh well. Better luck next time.

What Dave Leitao said after Tuesday's loss to Carolina.
What Dave Leitao wanted to say after Tuesday's loss to Carolina.

“We lost the game for a number of reasons. There were turnovers, bad defense, more bricks that you can find on N.C. State's campus. But mainly, they just had more points. When you play very good basketball teams, the margin of error is razor thin. When you play a very good team when half of their roster is out with some kind of injury and you still lose, that makes you a very bad team. You try the best you can, but you can’t play a perfect game. Of course, at this point I'd settle for a slightly above average game. We're 1-9, if you haven't noticed. Any mistake leads to something positive on the other end, and that’s what happened a number of times. I kept waiting for Pete Gillen to arrive and call a timeout, but he never showed up. Offensively, we never achieved the kind of rhythm and results, and didn’t spread the wealth like we needed in order to be successful. That's right...spread the wealth. I got bored during the second half so I started reading Communist Manifesto. When you get open shots, such as some of the point-blank lay-ups that we got, you can’t miss those. Or so I thought. Turns out you can miss those, but it's best if you don't. Not making them puts pressure on other areas of the game that any good team is going to exploit. But more importantly, when you make layups, you get to see Laurynas Mikalauskas act like he just won the Georgia Powerball Lottery.

On his team’s offense:

“We’re a team that has to make perimeter shots, and we did not do enough of that tonight. Or a couple of nights ago. Or a couple of nights before that. You'd think that after we lose nine conference games, I'd come up with a different strategy, wouldn't you? I wish it weren’t that way, because I’m not a guy who likes to live by the jump shot, but if you have to have perimeter shots as your weapon, on nights like tonight where you don’t have them, you suffer. Have you noticed how much grayer my hair has gotten in the last year? When Duke comes up here next month, I'm going to sit down with Coach K and figure out the best way to prevent that. He seems to have the inside track.

On his team’s defense:

“One of the missing pieces all year long is that the backline of our defense has been small and inexperienced. The other missing pieces can be found at every position not occupied by Sean Singletary. To have a bigger body like Mikalauskas gives us a bit more presence, gives us a little bit of a lift. It also gives us a player that looks like that dude from Goonies, so that's always important too.

Dave was supposed to be back in town in plenty of time for the game, but he seems to be stuck in traffic somewhere to the West. So here's the plan: I'm going to watch the first half at home. If we're leading and/or playing well, I'll stay right here for the second half. If we're trailing and/or playing like we did on, say, Wednesday, then I'll promptly head out to his house for the second half. I'm quite confident that Roy would appreciate our dedication.

6:47 - Benji has texted to say that his uncle (who's at the game with him) may be more negative than Dave. That's a big statement, because Dave hasn't seen the "silver lining" in anything since Clemson last won in Chapel Hill.

6:27 - Alright, we have bad news, then some good news, then some more bad news. I'll give you the first bad news first. We're three minutes from tipoff and there's still five minutes left to play in the UCLA/Washington game. The good news is that UCLA looks like they might be about to lose. The second bad news is that they're taking that opportunity to remind us that North Carolina, another top five team, lost to the Blue Devils of Duke on Wednesday. Thanks for pouring a bowl of chili powder on that wound, guys.

6:35 - UCLA is 1-13 from three-point range in this game. Evidently they flew Wayne and Danny out there for a pep talk before the game.

6:42 - I hadn't thought of this until now, but if Clemson somehow ends the streak tonight, I'm going to wish that I'd picked a different caption picture for this month.

6:44 - Down go the Bruins. And we're already down 10-2. Please put our game on my television immediately.

6:51 - Well at least they turned the cameras on in Chapel Hill in time for us to see Tyler dunk on somebody's face.

6:52 - With us trailing 12-5, Dave texts from somewhere on I-40: "Just go wait on my deck."

6:59 - Terrence Oglesby's hairline reminds me of the three-point arc.

7:02 - Tim Brando just said, and this is a direct quote, "Clemson leads it by seven, 21 to 9." I think he forgot to carry a one or something.

7:10 - Fox seems to be employing something called the "Turnover Cam" where they cut to a shot of Ty on the bench every time Q turns the ball over.

7:14 - Text from friend-of-the-site Geoffrey: "I never fancied myself saying, 'Ok, we've cut it to eight' in this game."

7:16 - Benji: "There's a blind Clemson fan behind me who somehow managers to yell 'BRICK!!" anytime we shoot a free throw." Well, you know what they say...when you lose one of your senses, you become that much more annoying at basketball games.

7:19 - International Radio Icon Taylor Zarzour has texted to say that Lee Melchionni is in the Dean Dome tonight, and he says hey. Long story, but suffice it to say that Lee and I aren't the greatest of pals.

7:24 - Just moments ago, friend-of-the-site ARoc wanted to know why Wayne now shoots like Jason Capel. And as if to shut him up, Wayne just drilled three three-pointers in a row. Keep running that mouth, ARoc.

7:26 - ARoc now says that every team in the ACC, except State, has made some dark alliance that allows them to make all of their threes whenever they play us.

7:28 - If Tyler is Superman, then contact lenses are his kryptonite.

7:30 - ARoc: "UNC Basketball: Proudly boycotting defense since January 2008."

7:32 - If we'd ended up trailing by just a small margin at halftime, I was going to try to justify not driving to Dave's at halftime. But as we trail 45-34, I really have no choice. Pardon me while I drive. We'll reconvene in 15 minutes.

7:48 - Ok, I'm at Dave's now, just in time for the second half. I'm altering my font color to help signify my change in locale.

7:51 - Dave wants to know if Dean contemplated taking his own life at halftime so that he could say that he never saw Clemson win in Chapel Hill.

7:53 - ARoc: "Our big guys seem to be taking the dunk more for granted than they should." And this time it's Alex who decides to shut him up with an authoritative flush.

8:04 - Down by 13. Nope, down 15. Sorry, I started typing this entry too early.

8:15 - Everything we're doing looks like it requires so much effort. It's like one of those bad dreams where you're trying to run away from the boogeyman, but it feels like your feet are mired in concrete. Except this isn't a dream, and Clemson is going to win in the Dean Dome, and there's no way to wake up.

8:24 - Benji, live from the Dean Dome: "In a move symbolic of the night, the Blues Brother just missed the dunk."

8:26 - Have you noticed how the Clemson players always say things like, "Nah, we never think about the streak, we just want to win this game," or, "The streak doesn't matter to us. We never even talk about it?" Well, after they win this thing, I promise you we'll hear things like, "Yeah, we really wanted to be the team to end the streak," and, "Yeah, we talk about it all the time."

8:31 - Nice little run. Down five. Three to play. Have a feeling these brief signs of life are going to make it that much more painful in the end.

8:35 - BOOM!!! Danny makes it a two-point game. Ok, at this point the Tigers have to be thinking, "Ah, crap, we've done it again." Surely the pressure is squarely on them now.

8:36 - Back to five. Hammonds is ridiculous.

8:37 - Danny again!!!! 82-80. I honestly don't think I've had my stomach in knots like this since the George Mason game.

8:42 - I would have bet my life savings that I would NEVER type the words that will follow this comma, but Quentin Thomas just hit a layup to complete a 15-point comeback against Clemson, and now we have to play defense for 25 seconds just to force overtime and keep the streak alive. Soak all of that in for a moment.

8:45 - Overtime. I threw up a little. A lot actually.

8:54 - Finish this play, Tyler...finish it...YES!!! HEELS LEAD BY A POINT!!!!

8:58 - Oglesby, you can't be serious. Tigers lead 90-88. (By the way, that was the score when we won at their place last month).

8:59 - Q. Ice at the line. Tie game.

9:04 - Double overtime? Seriously? I can't take this. Says Benji..."The blind Clemson fan has removed his shades for double OT." Since this is already the longest View from the Couch ever, I'm just going to go back to the fetal position and report back when this thing is over.

9:19 - Says Dave, "It's almost like we said, "Oh, you mean Wayne's three-pointer down at Clemson didn't kill your season? Well how about THIS?"

9:21 - Ballgame. 53-0. Never doubted, not for a second. You know, it's going to be really frustrating to try to describe Tyler to the next generation. There's probably some old guy out there that's dying for us to understand what a great boxer Rocky Marciano was, but we just can't comprehend it, because we've never seen him. (And also because we don't care about boxing). But I just fear that nobody is going to understand what a warrior we're watching here. Anyway, thanks to everybody for the 47 text messages received during this game. I think that's a record. Goodnight, all.

Ok, one ground rule for tonight: No talking about Ty. He's not going to play. Quentin Thomas, a talented senior point guard who was recruited by Roy Williams to play basketball at the University of North Carolina, is our point guard this evening. For the rest of the night, I'll be making no mention of Tywon Lawson.

8:30 - Ok, quick deviation from the ground rule. Benji is at the Dean Dome, so he had no way of knowing that there was a ground rule when he texted to say that Ty looked ok running out of the tunnel. But on the radio, The Venerable Jones Angell is telling us that Ty won't be available for the game. Ok, no more Ty....starting now.

8:47 - We're trying to figure out the other "rivalries" going on this week that allow ESPN to call this "Rivalry Week." Dave points out that Drexel and George Mason are playing, as are Murray State and Eastern Kentucky.

9:06 - We're underway, and it's looking like we could be in for a spectacular game viewing experience. For some reason, we can't hear whoever is supposed to be calling this game. We can hear the crowd, the bouncing of the ball, and the squeaking of shoes on the floor, but no announcers. I realize that somebody screwed up something up very badly (I don't know how you do it for this particular game), but this is great. High-definition and no announcers. It's like a dream scenario.

9:08 - Tyler just chucked up a jump shot that hit the backboard about six inches above the square. Does anybody else get the feeling that he was listening to Metallica and slapping himself with a spatula in the locker room to get prepared for this game?

9:15 - Turns out that it's actually a bit unpleasant to watch without announcers for an extended period of time. Who would have guessed? So we're going back to the low-def channel so that we can hear Billy Packer. Really? We're sacrificing hi-def SO THAT WE CAN HEAR BILLY PACKER??? I'm having trouble reconciling this in my own mind.

9:17 - The youthful Will Graves clearly doesn't understand that you're not allowed to get within eighteen inches of Greg Paulus without getting called for a reach-in foul. Rookie.

9:24 - Billy and Brando are back on the hi-def channel. Well, it was a fun experiment. I wonder if there's a channel where we could hear Brando but not Packer...

9:26 - We're not doing much in the "perimeter defense" column. And thus, we trail by seven.

9:30 - Deon is playing like a man tonight. We'd probably be trailing significantly if he wasn't.

9:38 - Tyler is also playing like a man. But I guess we've come to expect that.

9:41 - If you didn't see it, you wouldn't believe how excited Billy Packer just got about the foul that was committed on Demarcus Nelson, preventing him from coming anywhere close to making the dunk he was attempting. "Oh my, how high he got!" exclaimed Billy.

9:45 - Down by eleven. I realize that I'm not allowed to talk about Ty, but it sure would be swell if Bobby was around.

9:52 - Dave says, "If we're down by less than five at halftime, I'll feel good. I won't feel good about our chances of winning...I'll just feel good." I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I agree.

9:54 - Quite the flurry of offense to close the gap to three at halftime. Dave feels good. (But not about our chances of winning. Just wanted to clarify that).

10:11 - Q starts out the second half with a sick little crossover and layup. Followed by a little runner off the glass a couple of minutes later. Unfortunately, it looks like Duke won't be missing any three-pointers in the second half.

10:18 - Alex just walked twice on one play. Luckily, they'll only be penalizing us for one of them.

10:22 - Roy just had one of his dizzy spells again, except he was still able to furiously scream "PENETRATE!" while bracing himself with one hand and clutching his forehead with the other.

10:26 - Alex just had a sick one-handed rebound followed by a spine-tingling dunk, but they seem to have waved it off because he walked again.

10:29 - This has turned into a hideous game. Neither team has scored in about an hour and twenty minutes, and our incessant turnovers are rivaled only by the bricks that Duke keeps throwing up. However, if we were ahead by seven instead of trailing by seven, it would be yet another classic.

10:32 - Benji is under the impression that Gerald Henderson has put some kind of voodoo hex on Wayne.

10:41 - I'm truly fed up with these white boys. They make me want to not be white anymore.

10:50 - Down by ten. Five minutes to play. Wayne can't throw it in the ocean. I'm having to listen to Billy Packer. I have an ingrown toenail. And my boy Mitt Romney got his head handed to him last night. Wake me up when the Braves get cranked up.

10:57 - Wayne just missed a shot that bounced off the rim--no exaggeration here--937 times. Story of the night.

11:04 - Text from Benji: "I thought Ty was the one not playing tonight, not Wayne and Danny."

11:11 - Q has been solid the whole second half. Just sayin'.

11:16 - And that's your ballgame. You know who I miss? Josh McRoberts.

The last time Duke beat North Carolina in the sport of basketball, I was in third grade. I can’t accurately make that claim, but that’s what thousands of fifth graders all across the nation are saying today. Just think how great it would be if seven years from now, those same kids could make that same claim. It could happen. And the first step will be a win on Wednesday night in the Dean E. Smith Center.

It will be a tough row to hoe, as the Heels’ third string point guard will likely be starting the game. Blue Devil fans will point out that while Quentin Thomas is a third stringer, he’s a senior who should have a strong desire to lead his team to victory in the final home game he’ll play against his arch rival. That may be the case, but the fact remains that he’s still the third best point guard Roy Williams has, and the game will be drastically altered by the absence of Bobby Frasor and, most expect, Ty Lawson.

As of Tuesday night, the coaching staff claimed Lawson’s availability would be a game time decision. That’s no surprise – Ty could be in a full body cast and he’d be listed as a game time decision. He could also be doing cartwheels through Roy Williams’ office and he’d be listed as a game time decision (in fact, in Tuesday’s press conference, Coach Williams openly admitted that Ty may have jumped rope all the way to the Dean Dome prior to hopping on crutches). It’s a calculated move by the Heels to force Coach K to prepare for multiple scenarios. Don’t get me wrong, the Blue Devils’ head man will be ready for whatever five players take the court in Carolina blue – but there’s no point making it easy on him.

Several fans of the University of New Jersey’s Durham campus are comparing the (possible) loss of Ty Lawson to the Devils’ loss of Carlos Boozer prior to the 2001 matchup in Chapel Hill. If you’ll recall, Boozer broke a bone in his foot prior to the game and was sidelined for the contest. What happened? The Heels came up 14 points short. Duke fans are citing this story to try to make it look like they expect to lose to this year’s shorthanded Tar Heels. Don’t fall into this trap…they expect to win.

Besides that, as a point guard, Ty Lawson is far more important to the success of the Heels than Boozer was to that of the Devils. And, lest we forget, Carolina never had a chance to beat Duke in that 2001 contest – the Heels were being punished by the Lord Almighty for printing “Doherty’s Disciples” t-shirts. In exchange for fans being allowed to wear those God-forsaken shirts, the once top-ranked Heels lost on five consecutive Sundays…to Clemson, Virginia, Duke, Duke, and Penn State. Ah, good times.

In all the hustle and bustle of “will Ty play or won’t he?” some of the smaller storylines of Wednesday night’s game have been overlooked. For instance, you may not be aware that Gerald Henderson once accidentally broke Tyler Hansbrough’s nose. It happened during the Blue Devils last visit to the Dean Dome. Because the Heels were so far ahead, many people had already turned off their televisions and most reporters had left the game, so the story received very little publicity. It’s possible you may hear a smattering of boos directed towards Henderson from the three or four fans who have harbored a grudge for the past year, but it’s unlikely many people will even remember the unfortunate inciden took place.

Another under-the-radar storyline is the return of broadcaster extraordinaire Dick Vitale to the press booth. “Dukie V,” as his fans lovingly refer to him, has been sidelined with a throat condition for the past few months. Unbelievably, his doctor cleared him to return to broadcasting on the very same day that Duke and North Carolina meet in Chapel Hill. He was clearly meant to provide his in-depth analysis for this game. Sadly, many Carolina fans will be unable to hear Vitale’s patented energetic coverage of the game, and will instead be forced to listen to Billy Packer’s self-important drivel. (No hard feelings, William.)

Wednesday’s game tips off at 9 p.m. The crowd is guaranteed to be raucous, so if you’re there, be sure to make a contribution to the noise level. Just remember, if the Heels have the ball, the chant you hear is “QQQQQQQ!!!!!” If Gerald Henderson has the ball, it will be “BOOOOOOO!!!!!” They sound alike, but they mean something different.

In this edition of A Scholar vs. A Gentleman, the boys decide who is the better coach...Roy or Coach K?

Scholar: I've been holding this in for a while now, but it's eating me up inside and I've got to get it off my chest.  As much as it pains me to admit it, Mike Krzyzewski is a far superior coach to Roy Williams.  Coach K has replaced Dean Smith as college basketball's greatest innovator.  You need look no further than the "Duke flop" to find one of the greatest things to happen to college basketball in the last 20 years.  It's revoultionized the way defense is played.  It's altered it so much, the term "defense" hardly even seems like an accurate description anymore.

Krzyzewski has also made it impossible for people to criticize him for keeping his star players on the court until the final horn sounds in a blowout.  By virtually eliminating walk-ons from his roster, he now has McDonald's All Americans who are "scrubs," and how can you disparage the guy for playing his scrubs?  It's sheer genius!

Gentleman: While I believe your intentions to be pure, it seems that you’ve failed to properly identify the true reasons behind your admiration of Duke’s head basketball coach. Mike Krzyzewski is not a better coach than Roy Williams. The fact that he’s a better person than Roy is unarguable; and it seems that you’ve confused that particular trait with coaching superiorty.

It’s an easy mistake to make, and you’re not the first to fall into this trap.  But you must learn to separate the man from the coach.  While no argument could be made to disparage Krzyzewski’s character, it is actually this faultless, almost angelic personality that hurts his credibility as a coach.

It has long been common knowledge that every great coach has his vice. Adolph Rupp was a renowned racist. It has been said that Bobby Knight was rumored to have anger management problems. Eddie Sutton, a raging alcoholic. Even our beloved Dean Smith was, for many years, a chain smoker, and to this day remains a Democrat. What great coach can claim to be free of flaws in character?

Find a true flaw in Krzyzewski the human being, and only then can he be placed in the conversation with such great coaches as Roy Williams.

Scholar: So you're saying that to be a great coach, one must have one glaring weakness?  Sort of the opposite of a tragic flaw in literature?  Instead of the negative character trait bringing you to ruin, it instead makes you a fantastic coach?  Well, Coach K has always had that negative attribute, and it's the thing I've used to justify my dislike for the man - even though I felt he was an amazing coach.  The man is simply too humble.  On countless occasions I've thought to myself that Krzyzewski's greatest hindrance is his abundance of modesty. 

He deflects any and all praise directed toward him.  For instance, if I were to tell him what an oustanding coach he is, he would tell me he doesn't even think of himself as a coach, but simply as a leader who happens to be a coach.  A sign of how truly great he is, however, is that in spite of this modesty, he appears in numerous advertisements and commercials as a favor to some of the numerous organizations he supports - such as American Express and Chevrolet. It takes a big man to allow the spotlight to shine on him even when he truly despises it.

This fact seems to make it clear that Coach K is quite possibly the most spectacular coach of all time.  And I can't help but notice that in your list of all time great coaches and their vices, you've left off the very man you're defending.  Is this because Roy Williams has no vice, thereby making Coach K better than him according to your very own argument?

Gentleman: Just as I expected, you've fallen right into my trap. Look at those Krzyzewski endorsements you just mentioned: American Express and Chevrolet. What two endorsements could better embody wholesome, American values? Chevrolet is the penultimate American vehicle (see lyrics to Pie, American), while American Express even has American in its name (and what could be more American than credit card debt?).

Roy, on the other hand, has managed to align himself only with Coca-Cola, a beverage that is well-known to be the cause of tooth decay and weight gain. In this age of Vitamin Water and Deer Park, only a man of inferior character could find himself tied to such an un-American, destructive product.

And there's no such thing as being too humble. I'm told that the meek are someday going to inherit the earth.

The conclusion?  Coach K is a pristine fountain of good, old-fashioned American greatness.  Roy hopes that children's teeth rot out, and you must admit, that is a vice.  Thus, Roy is the better coach.  I rest my case.

Scholar: It seems inane to me that you would even call what you just built a "case," but if you're willling to finally give it a rest, far be it from me to stop you.

What Roy said after the victory over the Seminoles.
What Roy wanted to say after the victory over the Seminoles.

You have unbelievable emotions with a game like that. You've got disbelief that Ty is out for the game. Fear that we will lose because Ty is out for the game. Happiness that we won even though Ty was out for the game. I’m so proud of our team and I would have been really proud if the shot that the Reid youngster had made from the corner had been for four points. Don’t get me wrong, it would have sucked if the NCAA had chosen today to institute that four point shot I’ve been lobbying for, but I would have been proud. I would have been really proud. I think I forgot to include pride in that list of emotions I made earlier. We made the decision during warm-ups that Marcus was going to play, because he’s got a strained big toe or turf toe. I’ve had all the guys practice with the football team since ACC play started. It’s really helped us adjust to the “tackle Tyler” strategy our opponents have been employing. I don’t know what the dickens that is – he’s got something that really bothers him. I think it’s similar to tennis elbow. He hasn’t practiced the last two days. And now Ty won’t practice for the next two. Odd little coincidence there.

And then to lose Ty four minutes into the game and to not have our kids have a pretty day by any means, to not get it like we normally do off the break and get those easy baskets, but to still tough it out. The subject of this sentence was far too long, so I opted to eliminate the predicate. And then to have the toughness to come back after having somebody make a three… to have our kids bounce back and play like they did in overtime is extremely important for us. I hope we don’t have to do that against Duke, though.

Did Ty’s absence make it difficult on Tyler early on?
I think it probably did. I say “I think” and “probably” instead of “I know” and “definitely” because I don’t want to make you feel like an idiot. Of course it did, you moron. He’s our best passer – he wouldn’t be starting for us. He’s also pretty speedy. A lot of people don’t know that about him. Very quick. He’s our best passer and he can break you down off the dribble more and then draw big guys to him and then Tyler can get it, but I think the other thing is to congratulate Florida State’s defense. I’ve got a game I play where I find one good thing our opponent did during a game and congratulate them on it, no matter how bad we beat them. I’ve managed to pull it off every game this season – even against State!

Hate to cut this short, but I've got to get home and watch the Super Bowl. I want to see if anyone is sidelined with turf toe.

I left my favorite Asian cuisine dining facility at 6:37 with hopes of getting to Dave's house by tipoff. It took some "creative" driving, but I'm here. Not thirty seconds to spare, but I'm here.

7:03 - I was pouring my white sauce on my teryaki chicken, and while I was doing that we scored 14 points. And it really didn't take me that long to pour.

7:06 - Dan says he's watching on DVR tonight and he feels like he's cheating. So I guess if his text message comments seem a little obsolete, that's why.

7:14 - Dave says that Jimmy Dykes did nothing but read The Great Adam Lucas's Tuesday Talking Points to prepare himself for this game.

7:19 - So Tyrese Rice is still pretty good, huh?

7:23 - Five-for-five isn't just the roast beef sandwich deal at Arby's, it's also Roy's substitution choice at this particular moment. Actually, isn't the Arby's thing now something like five-for-five-ninety-five? Dang inflation.

7:30 - Those five guys that came in are still playing. Roy must still be dropping dadgums with the starters there.

7:34 - Given the choice of poor announcing or bad camera work, Dave says he hates bad camera work more. And I'd probably tend to agree. Fortunately, we get to compare both of them side-by-side in this particular broadcast.

7:38 - Did I just see "Jon Tenuta to Notre Dame" on the bottom line? That'll be fun. His delightful personality will mesh well with Charlie the Hutt's gregarious nature.

7:42 - John Edwards in attendance. Any chance he dropped out the race--er, "suspended his campaign"--just so he could come tonight? Ten bucks says they make Stacey Dales go interview hiim before the night is over.

7:48 - While I was talking about John Edwards, Arby's, and Jon Tenuta, we took a 47-31 hafltime lead. I honestly have no idea how that happened. No idea whatsoever.

8:03 - Dave is wearing a white t-shirt that literally has green armpits. Green. Kristin says she wants to throw it away but he won't let her. On an aside, the second half is underway.

8:16 - As we widen our lead to 63-36, friend-of-the-site Aroc texts to say: "Sorry Al Skinner, we can only throttle back so much."

8:20 - Danny Green just attempted a filthy dunk that would have easily been the highlight of the game. Only problem was that he came up about two feet short.

8:22 - Here's the thing: I want to watch Duke and State tonight, but I don't want to set aside the time that would be required to actually make that happen.

8:26 - Dykes and Nessler just described Coach K's letter to Michael Jordan as "hilarious" and "terrific." I think the word "amazing" was also used. I fail to see what was so special about it.

8:30 - I wonder if we could get an orthodontist to sponsor all of our Views from the Couch whenever we play teams coached by Al Skinner...

8:33 - Tyler throws down another one of his patented "360" dunks. I use quotes because about 145 of that 360 took place on the ground before he jumped.

8:39 - Dave: "If B.C. is the third best team in the ACC, I like our chances of finishing in the top two."

8:51 - And there's the obligatory John Edwards interview. You owe me ten bucks.

8:53 - And it's final. Another twenty win season. And it's still January. For a few more hours, at least.

The brutality that is eight days without Carolina basketball finally draws to a close on Thursday night at 7:00 when the Heels take the court in Chestnut Hill to square off against Boston College. Carolina enters the game riding their second longest winning streak of the season (one game), while the Eagles are in the midst of their second longest losing streak of the season (also one game).

Boston College is 12-6 (3-2 ACC) so far this season. Their four non-conference losses were nothing short of an embarrassment to the Atlantic Coast Conference. While there is no shame in losing to Kansas (plenty of teams have done so this year), losing to them by 25 points on your home floor is hardly something to brag about. Even worse than getting blown out by the Jayhawks on your home court is losing on your home court again, just two days later, to Robert Morris. Carolina Water Cooler isn’t sure how a guy old enough to be a signer of the Declaration of Independence can single-handedly take out Boston College, but he pulled it off. We imagine that Robert Morris against William and Mary would be an intriguing matchup.

While they haven’t been overly impressive so far this season, and while the Eagles don’t have quite the rich basketball history that the Tar Heels possess, earlier in the season B.C. continued their tradition of losing to Providence. This year, they gave up nearly 100 points to the Friars, falling 98-89, while last year they lost by nine in a lower scoring 73-64 contest. This will be a difficult feat to accomplish yearly, but Carolina Water Cooler has confidence in Al Skinner’s ability to make it happen.

This year, Skinner has had to rely heavily on junior point guard Tyrese Rice to make things happen. Extremely heavily. How heavily? Quick, think of a statistical category! Which one did you pick? It doesn’t matter – Rice leads the team in it. Unless you picked rebounds. Or blocks. But in other categories (ones that don’t require you to be exceedingly tall) Rice leads the way. For instance, points, steals, assists, free throws made, three pointers made, and turnovers. That last one isn’t exactly a good thing, but hey, he still leads it! The key for the Heels will be to wear Rice down, because, as you would expect, he also leads the team in minutes per game, at just a hair under 38 per game.

Boston College is in their third season as a member* of the ACC. In 2005-2006, the Eagles finished third in the conference at 11-5. Last season they finished tied for third, but with only a 10-6 record. If the trend of losing one more game than they lost in the previous season continues, B.C. will finish 9-7 this season, and an astonishingly bad 0-16 in 2016-2017. Exactly what you’d expect from the ACC’s 19th choice to be the 12th member of the conference. We should have taken Colgate. Or Drake.

Even more embarrassing than the Eagles’ likely last place basketball finish a decade from now is their ice hockey team’s performance this season. You’d expect a team from up north to have a dominant hockey squad, but B.C. is only 8-9-6 overall, and 4-6-2 in conference play. Carolina Water Cooler is unsure what conference they play in, as we’re pretty confident the ACC doesn’t have any other ice hockey playing members. Yet another reason Boston College doesn’t belong in the Atlantic Coast Conference.

Thursday night’s game tips off at 7 p.m. If you happen to have extra tickets to the contest, be sure not to sell them to Boston College fans (they’ll be the ones muttering “that’s not how we do it up north”).

*They aren’t really a member.

Hey hoops fans, it’s me, Dickie V, with some thoughts on another weekend of incredible action. It was shock city all across the nation! A taste of March Madness in January! We had Florida shocking Vanderbilt and Mississippi State upsetting Mississippi. And Georgetown barely escaped the upset bug by squeaking by West Virginia on a missed goal tend call. Hey, maybe now people will finally stop saying that Duke gets all the calls, baby!

But I really believe the weekend’s game ball goes to the Huskies of UConn who pulled a big time upset special in Bloomington. What an incredible team performance it was as the Huskies had five players with double figures and two players with double-doubles. I also liked UConn’s work from the free throw line; we’re talking 18 of 26 to only 6 of 8 for the hometown Hoosiers. Are you kidding me? For a minute there, I thought we were watching Coach K and his incredibly coached Dukies on the floor!

And don’t forget the game’s biggest story line of all: Connecticut did this all with two key players sitting out! How incredible is that?

And that’s the way winners return from adversity. Just like Gerald Henderson down at Duke. We all remember that travesty of justice last year, when this Diaper Dandy was forced to sit out an entire game after accidentally burying his elbow into Tyler Hansbrough’s face, splitting his head wide open, and spilling a couple of pints of blood all over the court. But did he let that get him down? No way, baby! He came right back to lead the Dukies in their first round tournament upset loss to Virginia Commonwealth. It was as if he had completely forgotten about breaking Hansbrough’s nose and the national uproar only a week before. It was almost as if it didn't matter to him, when we all know that, deep inside, he really cared.

But getting back to yesterday’s action, for the Hoosiers, I think you also have to give some serious credit to DJ White for his big-time performance in a losing effort. Even though the sensational senior struggled from the floor, he still managed 13 points and 10 boards. I really like the all-around game of this kid. I’ll say it again, this PTP’er, with his all-around game, his heart, and his passion, really reminds me of the great do-everything forwards. Somewhere out there, Mr. Grant Hill and Mr. Christian Laettner are giving this kid the big thumbs up.

And speaking of intensity, you just have to be impressed with Connecticut’s defensive effort tonight. I still can’t believe they held this powerful Indiana team to 37% shooting. Are you kidding me? That’s the kind of defensive intensity that we’ve come to expect from the best of the best. I mean, there again, I thought we were watching the Duke Blue Devils on the floor! I thought it was Greg Paulus flopping to the floor, drawing that offensive foul call! I could just see Coach Wojo pumping his fist in the background, pleading with his players to flop all over the floor! It was awesome, with a Capital A!

And, finally, I think you have to take your hat off to the incredible coaching performance of Mr. Jim Calhoun. To pull his team through such a stunning upset victory with two key players riding the pine. And how about that, too, the way he drew the line when rules were broken. That’s what you call integrity, with a capital I! It reminds me of what we see from the ultimate coach, one Michael Krzyzewski. It takes me back to last year, when Coach K looked straight into the cameras and flat out said if he even thought that Mr. Henderson had intended to club Hansbrough in the face with his elbow he would have extended his NCAA-imposed single game suspension in a heartbeat. Yes, my friends, when it comes to leadership and integrity, there is none better than Coach K!

So, anyway, those are my thoughts on UConn’s great W.

If you'll recall, I didn't do a View from the Couch for the Maryland game. If you'll also recall, we lost that game. I blame myself. And to a lesser extent Dick Baddour.

9:06 - We're less than 30 seconds into the game, and already we've missed a layup and fallen into a 2-0 hole. Roy must go!

9:10 - Dave texts to say that our defense looks worse in "low-def." I don't mean to nitpick, but I think the correct term is "regular-def." In some circles, they prefer "classic-def."

9:14 - Can anyone confirm whether or not Jimmy Graham is any relation to Jeremy Hyatt?

9:16 - Roommate Benji is eating waffles for the 117th consecutive night. I'm aware that this has very little to do with the game itself.

9:20 - Text from Dave: "Tyler gets a concussion and no one moves. A ref twists an ankle and everybody has to clear out."

9:24 - Other roommate Bryan wants to know if it's wrong that he's attracted to the animated girls in the Charles Schwab commercials. Personally, I'm fine with it.

9:29 - I just got a text from friend-of-the-site Dan saying something about Batman, Heath Ledger, and poor offense. I have no idea what it meant.

9:31 - Dave now says our offense looks worse in low-def.

9:37 - I lost count of how many offensive rebounds we had on that possession, but I'm pretty sure Alex just had a triple double.

9:45 - Dan Bonner should do more of our games. He talks about the game that's being played, he's solid with his analysis, he doesn't try to coin outlandish catchphrases, and every time the camera is on him he has this awkward smile like he has to go to the bathroom really bad. He's the total package.

9:51 - Wow, Ty with a filthy three-point play to end the half. Just filthy. If he's not careful, he's going to surpass Adam Boone on the list of great Tar Heel point guards.

9:57 - Since Dave is a bum and didn't write a preview, I'll take this moment to remind you that Miami has a kid named Fabio on their team.

10:13 - I understand that Tyler doesn't mind contact when he shoots, but is it really necessary for him to pass up a wide open shot from five feet, just so he can shoot from three feet with somebody draped over him?

10:19 - Can somebody please take a socket wrench to that loose rim?

10:27 - By the way, even though they lost, congrats to the Wolfpack for scoring in the 70s for the second consecutive game.

10:31 - This game would be a lot more entertaining if we had a McObama to counter Miami's McClinton.

10:33 - Dan notes that it's nice to see Tyler without his usual red blotchiness. Evidently Tyler now wears makeup, or he's just not exerting much effort.

10:47 - I'm not sure I understand how we have so many points. We have 92 with 2:55 left to play, but somehow the game just feels like Herb Sendek is coaching one of the teams. Or both of them.

10:56 - Really wish we'd put the wrecking crew in at the end so that we could have gone for 100. What do you get if you score 100 at Miami as the visiting team? I doubt they have fish sticks down there. Cuban cigars maybe?

It's been a while since we've broken out the mailbag. And the letters are starting to pile up.

On the loss to Maryland...

This is entirely your fault. You did not do a preview, nay, not even a "Know Thine Enemy." Don't you know nuthin' about jinxes??? Ok, I vented. Did I mention my new most hated ACC player is Vasquez? I don't know how to spell his first name, but he sure made me grevious today.
Vickie M.

Grevious. We see what you did there. Actually, it is all Dave's fault. Not just because of the lack of a preview, but because of his weekend activities.

You see, Dave went to Ocean Isle over the weekend.  He stayed in the same house in which he stayed last MLK weekend when the Heels lost to Virginia Tech.  To top it off, last year he went to get ice cream following the loss and the first road he turned on after leaving the island was Olde Georgetown.  Coincidence?  Doubtful.  The scary part is that this year, upon returning to the island, the first two streets he noticed passing were Wilmington and Richmond.  If either of those teams eliminate North Carolina from the NCAA tournament this season, he will never return to Ocean Isle.

Oliver Purnell is, in fact, Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars. You didn't see him on the last play screaming "WE'RE GOING INTO A TRAP!!" ??
Corey D.

Go easy on ol' Oliver. He seems like a swell guy, the fact that he evidently reminds everyone of their favorite alien life form notwithstanding.

Are you a college student, by any chance? If so, how do you have time to be obsessed with Star Wars and Carolina basketball? And if you're not a college student, how do you have time to be obsessed with Star Wars and Carolina basketball?


On CWC's failure to provide postgame coverage for the UNC-Asheville game...

I've been checking all day for Stillman's famous "View from the Couch" after the UNC-A game. After the prolonged countdown to Kenny, I was eagerly awaiting your erudite comments. I have enjoyed Carolina Water Cooler and have gotten other fans visiting the site for several years. Keep up the good work!
Barbara H.

Several shocking developments in this email. First of all, who would have guessed that "Stillman" and "erudite" could be used in the same sentence? Secondly, it's a pleasant surprise to know that we actually have the power to ruin someone's day, simply by not writing anything. And finally, we never would have thought that any of our readers actually refer friends to the site, thereby admitting that they read CWC. All good things to know.

On January's Separated at Birth selection...

I can't believe that you failed to mention Fred Ward 's most famously awful role as Remo Williams! A must see of bad movies that ran constantly on Sunday night in the late eighties.
Edgar P.

Surely you don't mean to imply that Joe Dirt should be grouped together with a movie that you yourself call "famously awful." That's grounds for having your internet privileges revoked.

I can't believe you people would write up a post game report of the Kent State Game (which I thought was well done save for this one exception) without making one single reference to the name "Haminn Quaintance." There are so many ways you could go with that: "pardon me, I don't believe Tyler's made your Quaintance" or "he's the opposite of a CWC 'friend of the site' -- let's just call him a Quaintance."

Those are just two examples, but there are many more. Let's say Danny Green had put up ZERO points, rebounds, blocks assists, etc. in the game last night, thus laying a "goose egg" in all categories (I realize this would never actually happen of course, but bear with me on this hypothetical); could we then say that there were "Green eggs and Haminn this game"? For God's sake man, last night while watching the game I was annoying the heck out of my roommate by chanting "Haminna Haminna Haminna Haminna Haminnaaaa . . .Quaintance!" every time the Heels were on defense for the duration of the possession. I actually got a text message from a fellow Tar Heel at halftime that said "Can't wait to see what Carolina Water Cooler does with Haminn Quaintance," and that was just a coincidence! Shame on you, Stillman and Dave. Shame on you both!
Jase G.

Our bad. To atone for our mistake, we'd like to send you a complimentary water cooler. Please contact Steven Smith for payment and delivery instructions.

What Roy said after Saturday's loss to Maryland.
What Roy wanted to say after Saturday's loss to Maryland.


"Well I haven't done a very good job with this basketball team the last couple of weeks. That play I drew up for Wayne that won the game at Clemson, and the way I held things together down at Georgia Tech...that's just poor coaching. We've been living on the edge, and it caught up with us today. Livin' on the edge, you can't stop yourself from fallin'. Livin' on the edge, you can't help yourself at all...dadgummit, I love me some frickin' Aerosmith.

We made a comeback on emotion, is basically what it was. It's like Coke. The caffeine only lasts so long before it wears off. Then you get woozy, trip over a cord, and bust your head on the wall. Same thing. We got a couple of misses on their end. We have a four-point lead, and we go down and we foul them, they make both free throws. We come back and miss a pretty good shot and foul them, and they make both free throws. We come down and miss a pretty good shot again and foul them, and they make both free throws again, so you have to congratulate Maryland for making the plays. If you think that little synopsis was hard to listen to, you should have watched in unfold in real time. People complaining about Gary, and I thought his club played really really well today. Although, I guess when I think about it, most of the people that have been complaining about Gary are the ones that are involved in getting his suits dry cleaned. They're a good basketball team. Keep in mind, they were pretty competitive with American for most of that game.

On if the wins against Clemson and Georgia Tech overshadowed problems:

"I don't think it did at Clemson, because at Clemson we played pretty doggone well. Oh, and if I forgot to mention at the beginning of the press conference, today is opposite day. We really did. Still opposite day. I don't know what goes into the psyche of 19-, 20- and 21-year-olds. If I did, I'd never lose. I never experienced being that age myself. I was actually born as a middle-aged man. They made me make up all of that stuff about being a kid so that it would sound better for the Coke commercial.

We were not as competitive and aggressive as I wanted us to be in the first half. It was just an amazing display. It's actually not that amazing. Pete Gilllen had the uncanny ability to be able to get his team to be that bad at least once a week. With North Carolina State the first half, I thought we were pretty doggone good. We haven't played well since then. Apparently whatever they have is contagious.

I'm glad I turned the TV on in time to see Greg Paulus take a couple of roundhouse kicks to the face from the Seminoles. Almost made me forget about the fact that Duke won.

9:11 - WHAT!!!! I just assumed that they'd hold the start of our game until Duke was finished cheating their way to victory. But they've made us miss the first minute and a half of our game. Dick Baddour will be hearing from my congressman.

9:16 - Anthony Morrow, currently in his ninth season as a Yellow Jacket, can still shoot.

9:19 - It's not that Brad Nessler and Jimmy Dykes are the greatest announcers in the history of broadcast television, but they're probably the best pair that we'll have all year. I'm going to enjoy not having a complete and utter moron talking to me tonight.

9:26 - If Georgia Tech's Causey finds a way to beat us tonight, our dear friend-of-the-site Causey will cease to be a friend of the site.

9:28 - Quentin might have the best turnaround jump shot since Jordan. I've always said that.

9:32 - Jimmy Dykes is wearing a lab coat and mixing together some kind of blue liquid. I hereby rescind any comments I may have made about him not being a complete and utter moron. He'll probably be fired tomorrow.

9:34 - I like it when Ty scores before the shot clock even gets down to 30 seconds. I find that enjoyable.

9:41 - Friend-of-the-site A-Roc has texted to express his excitement about the first Coach K commercial of the game.

9:42 - Quentin is probably the best three-point shooter we've had since Donald Williams. I've always said that.

9:49 - Lewis Clinch just shot a three that wedged in between the rim and the backboard. You know, like the kind that occasionally happens when you're playing "horse" in the driveway.

9:54 - Am I not paying attention, or did they just give Georgia Tech two jump balls in a row?

9:55 - Well that was borderline exhausting. 48-46 is your halftime score. I guess I feel better about our chances of maintaining a 96-point pace than their chances of maintaining anything close to a 92-point pace.

10:15 - I don't remember what movie it was, but I remember some guy talking about a "squealer's scar." That's when you rat out somebody to the cops, then after they get out of jail, they come cut a big gash across your face from the side of your mouth all the way up to your ear. Somebody apparently gave Tyler one of those during the first half.

10:19 - Georgia Tech leads this game.

10:26 - Georgia Tech leads this game. By five.

10:27 - Georgia Tech leads this game. By seven.

10:30 - I think I just saw Webster at the end of Georgia Tech's bench.

10:38 - Wayne just missed a shot from 19 feet. Ty then got the rebound and missed a shot from 15 feet. Then Deon got the rebound and missed a shot from three feet. I want to vomit.

10:42 - Text from Dan: "Marcus has given up all methods of scoring except the dunk."

10:44 - And Ty ties the game. The only thing that could have made that sentence better would be if Ty was from Bangkok. Then I could have said, "And Thai Ty ties the game."

10:45 - Brad Nessler just said, and I quote, "If you run it up my backside, I'll run it up your backside."

10:48 - Jimmy Dykes has said "dadgum" twice tonight. If Roy fatally wounds himself the next time he trips over a cord in his office, maybe Jimmy could be our next coach.

10:52 - Finally back in the lead. Are all of our ACC road games going to be like this? I guess I should go to Sam's and buy a case of Pepto.

10:56 - I like how Causey thinks he's going to take Ty off the dribble.

10:57 - Benji says that Paul Hewitt's fingers are as long as Arsenio Hall's. These are the things that he notices during the course of a game.

11:00 - Remember that Clemson game about ten years ago when the Tigers had to finish the game with four people because everybody had fouled out? Tech is playing kinda like that tonight, they're just not calling many of the fouls.

11:05 - Dave has evidently grown weary of Jimmy Dykes saying the same five things over and over. And over.

11:08 - Tie game. Jacket ball with 36.8 to play. I want to hurl.

11:11 - Before Tyler's career is over, we'll have about 12 games we can refer to as the "Bloody Hansbrough Game."

11:12 - Whew. Can I retire from doing views from the couch? Because as soon as we lose a game like this, I'll probably be chucking my laptop out the window.

Wednesday night at 9 p.m., the University of North Carolina men’s basketball team will travel to Atlanta to take on the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. Rumor has it that after the beat down the Heels handed to N.C. State on Saturday, Athletic Director Dan Radakovich called Roy Williams and attempted to forfeit the contest, but Ol’ Roy insisted the game had to take place. So if the Heels are upset in the Thriller Dome, you know who to blame.

An upset seems unlikely given the on-court performance of the Yellow Jackets so far this season. They “boast” a 7-8 record and are the only ACC team with a losing record overall. Their resume includes losses to UNC-G and Winthrop, not to mention a narrow victory over Georgia State. They did manage to beat Charlotte, however, a task that the Clemson Tigers failed to accomplish.

It hasn’t always been this way. In 2004, Georgia Tech made an impressive run to the National Championship game. Of course, in that National Championship they were dominated by the Connecticut Huskies, and they haven’t been particularly good at basketball since then. In fact, the Jackets are just 20-30 in ACC regular season play since that game.

Last year the Heels and Jackets met twice in the regular season, with each team winning on their home floor. Carolina blew Tech out in the first contest in Chapel Hill, leading by 25 points with five minutes to play, while Paul Hewitt’s club came away with an 84-77 win over the Heels in Alexander Memorial Coliseum.

Speaking of Paul Hewitt, have you ever googled that man? He has a remarkable list of accomplishments. Not only is he a former boxer, uranium prospector, sign painter, and cartoonist, but he’s also a renowned physicist. His book, Conceptual Physics, has changed the way physics is taught. Apparently, he also used to be white. Either that or there are two Paul Hewitt’s walking around in the world.

His remarkable success in the scientific realm not withstanding, Carolina Water Cooler has inside information that Paul Hewitt’s job could be in jeopardy. Sure, the Jackets were in the Final Four in 2004, but this is a “what have you done for me lately?” world. Since Hewitt’s arrival in Atlanta, Tech is only 134-93, and 51-63 in conference play. Chan Gailey was fired for a lot better results than that. Alright, maybe not “a lot better,” but at least “slightly better.” They were just in the Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl, for crying out loud. Suffice it to say, if Coach Hewitt can’t right the ship soon, he may be looking for a new ship to right.

If you’re like most Carolina fans, you’ll likely start feeling nostalgic during the game on Wednesday night. Your mind will wander back to the National Championship season of 2005 and how much fun it was to watch that team. These thoughts won’t be the result of comparisons between this season’s squad and that team. They won’t be because Georgia Tech was just one of four teams to beat the Heels that year. No, it will be because when you hear Tech senior Ra’Sean Dickey’s name called, you’ll think of Rashad McCants. And, to a lesser extent, Reyshawn Terry. Both of whom played for the title team.

Tip-off is at 9:00 p.m. and the game will be aired on ESPN. Be sure to tune in for one of the last ESPN games of the year that won’t be called by Dick Vitale.

This is the first View from Dave's new house. If we somehow lose this game, I'll never come back here. And I'm not talking about just on game day. I mean I'll never come back here. At any rate, Friend-of-the-site Casey is here. So let the festivities begin.

12:02 - Nice to see a game actually starting at the prescribed starting time. Of course, I'd planned on the game starting at least 12 minutes late, so I'll have to wait until the first TV timeout to get my burger ready.

12:06 - Does Tyler get a haircut before every game? It always looks like his hair is shorter than it was the day before. And yet, he's somehow never bald.

12:09 - For a second it looked like they weren't going to call a foul after Tyler was assaulted under the basket. Roy may have popped a stitch.

12:11 - And Tyler loses his first contact. Next season, we're going to find a way to make money off of Tyler losing his contacts. If anyone has a business that would like to sponsor us mentioning Tyler losing his contacts, just email us. It'll be great value for your money.

12:16 - Never seen a shot clock violation where the entire offense was totally unaware that time was running out and it might be a good idea to put up a shot. Leave it to the 'Pack.

12:24 - Ty is back!!! (He was gone, by the way).

12:31 - Watching State without a serviceable point guard kinda makes me feel sorry for them. We should probably let them borrow one. Tell you what, wuffies. We'll let you have Bobby for the rest of the year.

12:35 - Mike Patrick seems to have fully jumped on the Carolina bandwagon. He might be the only person that's ever jumped on the bandwagon, only to have everyone say, "No, get back off! You're not wanted here!! Please take your things and get off!!"

12:40 - I see now how State lost to New Orleans. And ECU. And nearly lost to something called Rider.

12:43 - State is shooting 17 percent from the field. It's probably the fault of the Carolina refs.

12:47 - Mike Patrick lets loose a hearty "Thank God!!" after the 'Pack finally scores for the first time since the Gerald Ford administration. The best part was that Courtney Fells had his foot on the line, so it was only good for two instead of three. Ah, good times.

12:49 - And we're up 43-13 at halftime. I guess I'll be coming back to Dave's house for future games.

12:57 - Dave is using his fancy DVR to rewind so we can hear Mike Patrick's "thank god" again. Casey is giggling like he does when he's watching Saving Silverman.

1:06 - I wonder if Sidney is a raging alcoholic. If he's not, I bet he'll become one in approximately 90 minutes.

1:10 - Based on the way that State plays without him, I think we should go back and retroactively make Engin Atsur last season's ACC Player of the Year.

1:18 - Mike Patrick just said that Sidney Lowe is beside himself. Can you imagine how much red fabric would be needed to clothe him if Sidney Lowe was literally beside himself?

1:21 - With 12:28 left to play, Mike and Len are chastising us for still having our starters in the game.

1:26 - Brandon Costner has quite the significant underbite.

1:34 - We haven't played all that well in the second half. And yet, we're still up 30.

1:39 - Len is talking about fish sticks again. And he just referred to Bojangle's as "a local fried chicken store."

1:47 - I'm not sure why it took so long to get the white guys (and Greg) in the game, but finally they're in. That sounds like the name of a band, actually. The White Guys, and Greg.

1:49 - Casey hates Surry Wood. Not really sure why.

1:52 - Well, that was...what's the word...fun. Good day to you.

It’s been a little over a year since the Bulldogs of UNC-Asheville came to Chapel Hill, lost by 31 points, and left with their tails between their legs. It’s been nearly that long since Carolina Water Cooler previewed an opponent. (A big thank you to all who emailed inquiring about Dave’s health during the preview hiatus.) The truth is that with all the holiday hubbub, we doubted many people would care to read about the mighty Colonels of Nicholls State or the Golden Flashes from Kent State. Clearly we were wrong. Please accept our humblest apologies.

Wednesday night Kenny George comes to town, and since we’ve been counting down to this game for the last month and a half or so, it only seemed fair to show the big fella a little respect with a preview. Don’t misunderstand, he won’t receive any respect in the preview. But just the fact that there is a preview should flatter him.

Apparently, Mr. George has been eating his Wheaties (that’ll be $5,000 for the promotion of your product, General Mills). When the Bulldogs visited the Dean Dome last year, Kenny was listed at 7’6” and 335 pounds. This year, he’s grown to a whopping 7’7”, 360 pounds. While adding an inch and 25 pounds between your sophomore and junior year seems like a lot, it’s quite possible that his friends and teammates didn’t even notice the change. It’s the equivalent of a normal person adding three pounds of holiday weight (or Stillman’s nose growing another half inch).

Last season against the Heels, George was just “that tall, goofy guy” that came into the game in an attempt to give the Bulldogs a presence in the middle. He was even applauded by the Carolina faithful when he scored his first bucket. As the season progressed though, he began using his height to his advantage. By the end of the season, he was averaging over five points per game and had blocked 47 shots.

So far this year, Kenny is averaging over 20 minutes off the bench (one of eight Asheville players averaging double figures in minutes). He’s averaging 12.8 points and 9.3 rebounds to go along with 65 blocks. Those aren’t quite Tyler Hansbrough numbers, but if he was physically able to play as many minutes as Hansbrough, they might be. The guy is shooting 70% from the field. That’s strong. Of course, considering he doesn’t even have to jump to dunk the ball, you have to wonder why he’s missed 30% of his attempts.

Though he’s the only player we’ve mentioned so far, Kenny George isn’t the only player on the UNC-Asheville squad. Two of their players are even from other countries. Sophomore Sean Smith is from Stockholm, Sweden. Talk about an impressive display of unintended alliteration. Meanwhile, junior Andrew Lomond is from Toronto, and transferred to Asheville from – and we’re not kidding – State Fair Community College. We assume his nickname is “Freak Show.”

This year’s edition of the Bulldogs needs only one more win to match their win total from the entire 2006-2007 season. They’ll bring an 11-3 record into the Smith Center on Wednesday night – the only team in the Big South to have double digit wins at this point in the season. Just this weekend the Dogs shocked the Gamecocks in Columbia, casting serious doubt on Dave Odom’s ability to lead his team to the NIT.

The win over South Carolina has vaulted Asheville into the College Insider Mid-Major poll. If you’re surprised to learn that there is such a thing as a poll dedicated exclusively to mid-majors, you are not alone. If you’re equally surprised to learn that UNC-Asheville qualifies as even mid-major, you are still not alone. Carolina Water Cooler feels they are at best “low-major,” and, in all likelihood, “minor.”

Wednesday’s game is scheduled to tip-off at 7 p.m. in the Smith Center. It will be aired on ESPNU, so prepare for twice the amount of commercials as that of a normal game. If you’re in attendance for the game, this will give you additional time to look at the cheerleaders and/or dance team.

Big night tonight. Not just because ACC play is finally here, but also because former friend-of-the-site Benji is no longer a friend of the site. He's actually been upgraded to Roommate Benji, which is a pretty big jump. We had a little ceremony earlier today. But anyway, let's play ball.

7:26 - Nothing like a commanding Duke win to get me pumped up for one of our games. The Mighty Academians (or whatever their mascot is) from Cornell lose by 14 in Cameron. Just out of curiousity, I tried to look up a list of famous Cornell alums. Apparently there are none.

7:42 - Remember when our games used to start at the time that they were scheduled to start? Me neither.

7:44 - Benji says Oliver Purnell looks like Louis Gossett Jr. from Iron Eagle. The resemblance is pretty stunning, and not just because all black people look alike. Though that helps. (Kidding...settle down).

7:47 - I'm enjoying the pace of this game. Tied at ten with less than four minutes gone seems to bode well for us. And the fact that Oliver is wearing a blazer that's even more orange than Bruce Weber's championship game blazer also seems like it could work in our favor.

7:55 - Kinda makes me queasy whenever they refer to Danny as the "sixth starter." It gives me visions of Antawn Jamison not starting in the Final Four because of Bill Guthridge's "alphabetical starters" system.

7:58 - Friend-of-the-site Dan texts to say that we should do a Separated at Birth for Oliver and E.T. Unfortunately we already used E.T. for Sam Cassell. But I guess the lesson here is that Oliver Purnell looks like a lot of people. And so does E.T.

8:03 - Marcus Ginyard is absolutely one of my favorite players ever. But I've grown weary of seeing him miss shots from point blank range.

8:12 - Who exactly is Littlejohn? And why did he get a coliseum named after him?

8:17 - Less than half a second ago, we were up by six. Now it's tied. I get the sense that a lot of people are mad at Q right now.

8:23 - Copeland just dunked. It was thrilling. And he was already thanking the passer before his feet even hit the floor.

8:30 - Down three at the half. I expect Roy's halftime speech looks something like this month's caption picture.

8:46 - Our missing of shots in the paint seems to have spilled over into the second half. But to make up for it, Clemson is making all of their chip shots. So it all evens out.

8:54 - Tyler's face doesn't always look this red and flushed during games does it? Maybe I've just never noticed because I haven't had HD until tonight.

9:04 - What's worse: Oliver's blazer or Mike Gminski's suspenders?

9:06 - My personal rule is that I don't start getting nervous in a game like this until about the six minute mark. So I still have a good four minutes of clock to burn before I can officially worry. That's comforting.

9:10 - It's not very often that we get to play Clemson and say, "Wow, this is by far the best team we've played this year."

9:13 - Did Tim Brando just tell us to put our pants on? Is that a Bill Raftery phrase that I'm not aware of?

9:17 - Six minute mark. Down three. Commence worrying.

9:21 - Four minute mark. Down four. Commence putting my hands over my eyes and watching the game through the cracks between my fingers.

9:27 - Three minute mark. Down seven. Commence grabbing the trash can and putting it beside the sofa in case I hurl.

9:31 - Benji just asked me if I think Dave is apoplectic right now. I'm going to look that word up and I'll get back to him.

9:35 - Tyler gets one of two from the line to tie it up. And now he draws a charge. There may or may not have been some flopping there. But I'm cool with it.

9:40 - Now would be a good time to put Greg Little in the game. He's due to hit his next three-point attempt.

9:41 - I'm hoping that Wayne's off-balance, scissor-kick shot from 20 feet wasn't exactly what Roy had drawn up.

9:43 - Whew. To overtime we go. Dave says that all of a sudden he can't stop smiling. As for me, I can't stop my face from twitching.

9:48 - Look at friend-of-the-site Dan with a text saying to put Greg Little in. That's downright frightening that I shared a common idea with that guy.

9:54 - This is gut-wrenching.

9:59 - Down one. Our ball. One chance to score. There's a strong chance that the stress of this game may cause me to end up vomiting no matter what the outcome.

10:02 - BOOM!!!! I don't know if we're giving Wayne any money under the table or not, but now would be a good time to start if we're not.

10:04 - Can't say it any better than Dan just did: "With that shot, Wayne Ellington just turned Chuck Norris gay."

Hey hoops fans, Dickie V here with some thoughts on a tremendous showing of sportsmanship and class that just hasn’t received enough recognition. I’m talking about West Virginia Head Coach Bob Huggins jumping to action to have a fan tossed from a game for courtside conduct that has to be an absolute no-no in college arenas.

For those who missed it, it happened during the West Virginia – Oklahoma game in Charleston. After two players went down to the floor fighting for a loose ball, some knuckleheaded fan threw a piece of trash at the OU player. Coach Huggins then went to midcourt, grabbed the public address mic, and asked the fans to point out the culprit. It worked like a charm, as the low-class fan was shown the door.

I just can’t say enough about this tremendous showing of sportsmanship. Keep in mind, this was a home game for the Mountaineers, and it was undoubtedly a West Virginia fan. But Coach Huggins said, “No way, baby!” He made sure to send a message that opposing teams are to be treated with dignity and respect. He also said loud and clear that he flat-out would not tolerate any action that could cause injury to an opposing player.

The whole episode took me back to last season when the game’s classiest coach, one Michael Krzyzewski of Duke, responded to an unfortunate incident that occurred at the end of the Duke-North Carolina game. Duke guard Gerald Henderson jumped from behind Tyler Hansbrough and mistakenly drove his elbow into Hansbrough’s face, breaking his nose and igniting a geyser of blood. Then, after the game ended, Coach K, like Coach Huggins, attacked the source of the problem head-on. How? By looking straight into those television cameras and telling the world how it was all UNC Coach Roy Williams’ fault for having Hansbrough in the game in the first place.

Just think how courageous that was. Coach K could have taken the easy way out by blaming Gerald Henderson for approaching a totally defenseless and unsuspecting player, from his back side, while in the act of shooting, and burying his elbow into his nose. He could have simply called out his own player for what seemed a flagrant, combative act – you know, like the game referees did. But, no, Coach K, genius that he is, looked beyond that point and chose to take on the root of the problem. What a statement! It was awesome, with a Capital A!

Yes, my friends, when it comes to raising the bar for sportsmanship, there is none greater than the Great One himself. Not that this should surprise anyone. After all, he hales from the classiest school of them all, Duke University. Just think of the history there, baby! Like when the Cameron Crazies threw trash on Virginia Tech Coach Seth Greenberg as he left the court a few seasons back. All of those students waited until he made his way through the tunnel before tossing the first piece of garbage on him. And when the student body threw condoms at Herman Veal, and pizza boxes at Lorenzo Charles, and snack cakes at Dennis Scott, they did all of these things well before the opening jump ball. No way would they even think of pelting an opposing coach or players with objects during live play. That, you see, is the difference between the classy Cameron Crazies and that classless West Virginia fan!

The bottom line here is there is no classier coach or program than Coach Krzyzewski and Duke University.

What Roy wanted to say after Wednesday night's win over Kent State.

I challenged our guys to be better defensively in the second half and not be in such a hurry offensively because turnovers lead to open court situations for them and bad shots like Will's jump shot with a guy right in his face at the foul line leads to run outs for the other team as well. If you haven't noticed, after a relatively impressive win, I try to pick out one player and chastise him to no end in my postgame comments to try to keep everybody on their toes.

I thought we did some nice things. I guess winning by 29 was one of those nice things. It was frustrating at times, but I think this stretch here has been really good for us. We've been exposed to a lot of different kinds of styles that we're going to face throughout the year. For instance, Ohio State missed a lot of shots when played them, just like Clemson will probably do in Chapel Hill next month. Then there was Kentucky--they showed us what it's like to play a program that's in the midst of a rapid decline, so we'll be prepared when Maryland comes to town. And Penn had a lot of white guys, so that got us ready for Duke.

You look down there and see Tyler is 7 for 10, Wayne is 8 for 11 and Ty is 7 for 11. Will was 1 for 5. More on that rascal later. For us, Ty had three turnovers at half, and two of them were just careless. Unfortunately, since we have no other point guards at the moment, I had to leave him in the game instead of making him sit in the corner to think about what he'd done. In the second half he had zero turnovers. Again, since we have no other point guards, I couldn't take him out of the game. That's why we won by 29.

It's all over with now. Pretty good season though. 14-0. Not bad. Welp, see you in October. I told them in the locker room I've been working my tail off trying to make sure they're focused the last four or five games because we've played pretty solid basketball teams. That's right. Sat right here in front of your face and called Nicholls State and UC-Santa Barbara "pretty solid basketball teams." If they need me to get focused now we're really in bad shape because it's time to start the big play. If they aren't focused, it's probably the fault of William Graves.

On Carolina's defense in the late part of the first half

It started really on the offensive end because of Will's bad shot, we turned it over, we turned it over throwing it inside to the post twice. Will is washing my car right now. In the cold. Tomorrow he'll be refilling my refrigerator with Coke. These tasks will continue until the Clemson game when I find a new player to hate.

We turned it over a little bit and then as I said Will took a bad shot from the foul line, and I think Tyler took a bad shot. But Tyler was just following Will's lead. Not really Tyler's fault. Then we made a silly play. Will is a silly billy. Always has been. In fact, that's his new nickname. Silly Billy. We're holding for the last friggin' shot. If you're holding for the last shot it's pretty simple, that's what the crap you're supposed to get...the last frickin' shot. That's actually exactly what I wanted to say. No need to expound further.

On his attitude during the game

I was frustrated. Will had just told a dadgum off-color joke at an inopportune time and I was ticked the crap off. I didn't think we competed as well, and we didn't play as intelligently as we have. Possibly because we have 17 players hurt right now. I told Will, I don't care if you score 1,700 points in five minutes, you're butt's not going to play if you don't guard. He then sassed me, and I told him that he makes Brendan Haywood look like the best hustler to ever come out of Dudley High School. Shut him up in a hurry. I thought he didn't compete one possession. Yep, one possession was the cause of this postgame tirade. He just stands there, lets the guy get the ball and lays it up. I'm pretty tough on guys if you don't do two things: if you don't concentrate and you don't hustle. If you concentrate, you're going to compete. If you hustle, you're going to compete. I've never had a player that I've embarrassed by missing a shot. I've never had a player that I've embarrassed by missing a rebound. If you don't concentrate and play with your brain, and you don't hustle then you're going to be embarrassed by me. Ask Will. I think he was actually blushing when I got done with him.

This is an historic moment…my first View from the Couch in my new abode.  I don’t remember what my first View was in the old house, but I remember the first game I ever watched there – a too close for comfort victory over Murray State.  I also remember the second game – an improbable loss to George Mason.  George flippin’ Mason. Clearly that house was cursed.   

7:32 – Thirty seconds remain in the Florida State/Georgia Tech game.  I feel like I’m watching an instant replay of the final two minutes of the Georgia Tech/Kansas game.  I haven’t seen a team blow this many opportunities since the Georgetown game last year (and it wasn’t Georgetown blowing the opportunities). 

7:37 – Here’s hoping the Jackets dribble it off one of their feet here in the last 4.3 seconds.  Or hit a three. Just not a deuce.  We don’t need overtime. 

7:38 – That’ll work.  Now cut to our game already. 

7:45 – I’ve grown weary of the schedule saying tip-off is at Time X and tip-off actually being at Time X plus 15 minutes. 

7:48 – I missed the first minute and a half (thanks, Fox Sports South), but in the next minute and a half there were approximately 14 loose balls. 

7:49 – Quite the bucket from Deon.  Very fancy footwork. 

7:51 – Homer Drew tried his darnedest to make it to the TV timeout, but down 10-0 with under 14 to play he finally had to call the T.O. himself.  Love that guy. 

7:56 – Mike Copeland making an early appearance.  I miss Bobby.  And Q.  Will Ty be playing the whole game tonight? 

8:01 – It took over eight game minutes, but we finally saw one of the top five NCAA Tournament highlights of my lifetime.  Few college basketball fans haven’t pretended to be Bryce Drew at some point in their life. 

8:02 – “Get that egg out of my basket,” Ron Thulin just said after a Deon Thompson block. I'm not even sure what that means.

8:04 – Dan Bonner with the astute observation that he thinks Ty Lawson’s minutes will increase because of Bobby and Q’s injuries. That's why they pay him the big bucks.  

8:05 – Deon makes a free throw!  Consider that his Christmas present to you. 

8:12 – Graves with some first half minutes.  In 2010 we’ll look back on Bobby’s injury as a key component in the development of Big Willie.  Do you think he minds if I call him Big Willie? 

8:24 – After leading 13-0 to start the game, the Heels take only a five point lead into the half.  If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go attempt to hang some blinds. 

8:41 – If anyone needs an expert blind hanger to install blinds in their home, I’ll be happy to oblige.  I charge $1000 per hour and you must have the exact same blinds and windows that I have. 

8:44 – Remember when we were up by like 17 points?  Those were good times. 

8:47 – Deon makes TWO free throws! Consider that a New Years present.  Or Hanukah.  Or whatever winter holiday closest to today has gifts. 

9:00 – Quite the physical contest, and in the middle of all the contact I keep seeing Deon Thompson.  On the last play, he had his arms threaded through the leg of a Crusader.  I felt awkward just watching it. 

9:04 – What a burst of speed by Marcus Ginyard.  I mistook him for Ty ever-so-briefly. 

9:06 – Remember the game against UConn during the National Championship season when the Huskies blocked 16 Carolina shots?  Tonight, Deon Thompson is UConn. Except he's blocking Valpo's shots.

9:08 – Big Willie with five consecutive points, pushing the lead to 64-39.  Hard to believe we were tied at 37 just a little bit ago. 

9:18 – Danny Green is your daddy. 

9:22 – Tyler hasn’t lost a contact all game, but Alex takes up his slack and loses one of his own.  No worries, though, Roy found it. 

9:31 – Big Willie with another three.  His sharp shooting is clearly a result of his new nickname. 

9:34 – I understand Roy doing Butch Davis a favor and letting Greg Little on the team, but why on earth has he given him the green light to shoot every time he touches the ball? 

9:36 – That’ll do it.  Heels end the game with your typical 50-12 run.  Happy New Year from Carolina Water Cooler.

Couldn't we have just gotten this Nevada game out of the way while we were out there in Las Vegas? Way too much involvement with the Casino State--or whatever they call Nevada--for my comfort.

7:02 - Nevada has a guy named Marcellus Kemp. And anytime I hear the name Marcellus, it makes me think of Pulp Fiction, even though that was Marcellus Wallace, not Kemp. But be that as it may, I'll be calling him Pulp Fiction for the rest of the night, if you don't mind.

7:04 - Pulp Fiction has seven of his team's seven points.

7:09 - How many times do you think they had to film that Dick's commercial before Lance Armstrong could say, "NO NO NO!!! Like a blacksmith to the forge..." without laughing?

7:11 - Alex has been blocked twice in the first five minutes. When he finally figures out this whole college basketball thing, he's going to have many dishes of revenge to serve. But something tells me he'll be serving those dishes cold. I've heard it's best that way.

7:15 - I enjoy it when they say that Quentin is the only senior on the team that plays significant minutes. They usually fail to mention that it's because he's the only senior on the team. Period. (Though, if the National Basketball Association and marijuana didn't exist, he'd be classmates with Marvin Williams, J.R. Smith and JamesOn Curry. Sorry for bringing that up, since it's probably been at least 18 months since you even thought about that bit of trivia).

7:26 - FYI, Wikipedia says that Nevada is the "Silver State." Or sometimes the "Sagebrush State." Also the "Battle Born State." In some circles, it's the "Legalized Prostitution State." Made that last one up.

7:30 - Len Elmore is whining that Carolina is getting too many foul calls and the visiting team is getting none. It's the same argument he's been using since his senior year at Maryland. In 1974.

7:34 - Should have been goal-tending against the Wolf Pack. Roy just dropped a few dadgummits.

7:41 - Pulp Fiction looks a little bit like Jeff McInnis.

7:42 - Dave texts to say that this game is failing to keep his interest. Maybe he hasn't noticed, but we haven't played a truly riveting game since, oh, March of 2006.

7:45 - That was the most incredible end to a half of basketball I've ever seen. Ty just scored 47 points in 17 seconds. Without hitting a single three-pointer. Has to be some kind of record.

8:02 - I ate three bowls of Raisin Bran during halftime. New personal milestone.

8:03 - A quick burst to start the second half, and we're on a 19-2 run. Throat, meet foot.

8:12 - Nevada really looks like they could be a pretty good team. Pulp Fiction has 18. And yet, we're pounding them.

8:15 - How big a rock star are you when your uncle gets interviewed during one of your college basketball games? And who besides Tyler would have an uncle named Sean "The Beast" Fister?

8:26 - Absolutely pounding them. It's 80-49. Definitely the best we've played this year.

8:27 - Oh no. Bobby just went down in a pile on the floor. Looks really bad.

8:29 - Now he's walking off the floor and smiling. I'm confused. The way he was hollering, it looked like it could be really bad news. And it could still be. Hope not.

8:38 - Somebody needs to start keeping track of how many times Tyler hits the floor during the course of a game. Every time I look up from my laptop screen, he's sliding across the hardwood on his butt.

8:40 - And of course, when he's not sliding across the floor, he's putting his contacts back in. Seriously, he should get a Rec-Specs deal when he goes to the League.

8:45 - We have 100 points. Give me Greg Little. And did Len Elmore just mumble something about fish sticks? Or am I hearing things?

8:48 - There he is. And so begins a 3-minute infomercial for Carolina football.

8:51 - Based on what I just saw, there's a strong chance that those five points Greg scored against UCSB might be the only points he scores this season. But I'm not terribly concerned about that at this moment.

Home for Christmas. I don't think I've done a View from the Couch with Dad around since the loss to Gonzaga more than a year ago. Let's hope this one turns out a little better.

12:57 - Dave just moved into his new house this week (he's invested his CWC earnings better than I have), and it's apparently having an adverse effect on his ability to watch the game. He just texted to say, "No cable at the new place, so I can't watch on TV. Cable guy is coming, so I can't go to the game. Sigh." It's like 1859 at the Staley household today. Conveniently, Woody was calling games back then, so at least Dave can listen to the radio.

1:05 - Marcus just scored four seconds into the game. Much like he did in the Davidson game in Charlotte. (Hint: If you just read this and still don't know the answer to this month's trivia question, your Carolina fan card has just been revoked).

1:11 - Haha...Tyler just kinda did a 360 on a fast break. I say "kinda" because about 85 of that 360 took place on the ground.

1:15 - Nice graphic there from the good people at Fox Sports--they just showed the ACC "standings." Problem is, only one conference game has actually been played, so it was really just an alphabetical listing of all the teams in the ACC. Very informative.

1:19 - You know, it's a little ironic that we're playing a team with "Santa" in their name just a couple of days before Christmas. My apologies for just now noticing this.

1:24 - Why have I never seen the "Nothing wakes up food like Texas Pete" commercial? Dad's been laughing at that for several minutes now.

1:31 - More than half of our points in this game have come from layups, and Dad is complaining that we haven't shown the ability to be a very good shooting team. Personally, I'm not going to spend a lot of time worrying about that until somebody can stop the layups.

1:40 - Text from Benji: "A gaucho sounds like something you'd order at Arby's."

1:48 - I'm not sure if Ty is faster than light, but he's definitely faster than sound.

2:10 - There's a good chance that Copeland is going to see action in this game. Possibly several minutes.

2:16 - Is there any center in the country that leads more fast breaks than Tyler?

2:23 - UCSB's coach looks eerily like an older version of Matt Doherty. Though it appears that he's not as good a recruiter as Doh.

2:27 - We just had several seconds where Hogewood and Gminski's microphones went out for some reason. It was eerily silent--just shoes squeaking on the floor and the crowd cheering--but I could get used to it. I would suggest that they try it on radio sometime, but it probably wouldn't go over as well.

2:34 - Benji says that at this rate, Bojangle's might have to throw in some free coleslaw.

2:37 - Remember when we played William & Mary a couple of years ago and after we destroyed them, everybody said that Mary showed up but apparently William forgot to come? Well this is kinda the same thing...Barbara came, but Santa decided not to catch the plane for some reason. Of course, I can understand that he'd be busy on this particular weekend. I don't think it takes him that long to make his list, but checking it twice is a bit time consuming.

2:45 - I distinctly remember the last time that Bobby hit a three-pointer. It was during the Warren Harding presidency. I remember it because it was the weekend before the Teapot Dome Scandal broke.

2:52 - Oh my. I'd already forgotten that Greg Little was playing basketball. And here he is hitting the three-pointer that puts us over the century mark. While wearing the Julius Peppers #45 jersey. I like.

2:53 - Greg again. A quick five points. Friend-of-the-site Dan says he's like a more talented Jesse Holley. Well that was fun.

The good news is that I'm moving back to Chapel Hill in a few days. The bad news is that means that my TV is sitting on the floor in my living room surrounded by a bunch of boxes. Not exactly prime viewing conditions.

9:02 - That's good, let's open things up with a replay of Tyler smashing his head on Sunday night.

9:03 - Fred Barakat is the analyst for this game? Seriously? Isn't he the guy that came to the defense of these horrible ACC officials for years and years while serving as John Swofford's cabana boy? Who gave him this job?

9:05 - Unless I move the coffee table, I won't be able to see the bottom third of the TV. Pardon me while I move the coffee table.

9:06 - Colonels lead 9-4. This is humiliating. I don't like Carolina anymore. Where can you sign up to be a Pepperdine fan?

9:13 - Alex just blocked a shot as if he was playing volleyball.

9:16 - Marcus just blocked a shot as if he was boxing. A foul was called.

9:18 - We should really enjoy watching Tyler play while we have the chance. Not because he's a once-in-a-lifetime player. No, it's because there's a good chance that he could get himself killed before his college career is over. Dude got a concussion three nights ago, and he's already taken about eight shots to the head and/or face tonight.

9:27 - It's pretty frustrating that they have a guy named Anatoly on their team, and we're only up by two.

9:28 - Dave is apparently at the game. I didn't realize that. Anyway, he texts to say: "I'm in Section 226, Row J, and the people in front of me are taking pics of the court with camera phones."

9:30 - My mom doesn't like it when I criticize broadcasters, so I'm going to turn this into a compliment: Listening to Fred Barakat makes me hope that Dick Vitale's voice problem gets fixed in a hurry. See what I did there? Instead of criticizing Barakat, I complimented Vitale. Now I don't even have to get Mom a Christmas present.

9:33 - The Colonels tied the game while I was passing out compliments. Won't happen again.

9:41 - Why don't we have any Australians on our team? We should get some of those. They seem very polite.

9:46 - I was only halfway paying attention, but a statement was just made about us "trying to make it to Christmas undefeated." In other words, "not blow a 10-point lead to Nicholls State in the next 22 minutes of basketball and beat UC-Santa Barbara. Lofty aspirations indeed."

9:48 - Dave says he hopes ESPNU showed Danny's pregame dance. Unfortunately they didn't, but hopefully the people on the row in front of him shot a cell phone video of it that I could see sometime.

9:53 - Is this kid's name Zeppelin? As in, cousin of Led?

9:54 - Nope, it's Czepil. Not nearly as cool a name as Zeppelin.

10:07 - Apparently ESPNU has not only been banned from broadcasting good games, they seem to be disallowed from even showing the highlights of good games during halftime. Or maybe there are no good games in December.

10:14 - You can't watch an entire basketball game with your TV on the floor without your neck hurting.

10:16 - Barakat just said that Ginyard would be better if he spent some time trying to develop an outside shot. Didn't that kid just shoot something like 65,000 shots a day during the offseason?

10:24 - Friend-of-the-site Dan's text: "Have you seen how slow the home schedule is? I need Wayne Ellington to turn into the Silver Surfer to get excited." I'm not entirely sure who the Silver Surfer is, but I'm pretty sure Wayne could beat him up.

10:28 - Here's the thing about spoiled milk: when you don't realize that it's gone bad and you pour it on a bowl of cereal, you not only have to throw the milk out, but you lose an entire bowl of cereal. Hate it when that happens. We're up by 21, by the way.

10:34 - I'd be fine if this game ended right now. It's the least entertaining game I've seen us play since at least Sunday.

10:35 - Text from Dave: "Is this game over yet?" Ah, the synergy between us is uncanny. And alarming.

10:41 - Somehow this game has turned into a platform for Barakat to defend ACC refs again. Had to see that coming.

10:47 - Here's the most disappointing thing about this game: we're only up by 13 with less than five minutes to play against a team that only beat New Orleans by 18. And New Orleans only beat State by two. So, transitively speaking, we're only 33 points better than State??? That's embarrassing.

10:50 - Dave: "The people in front of me haven't stopped taking pics since my first text."

10:53 - Rashad dropped 23 tonight for the Timberwolves. Unfortunately, his team is 3-21 on the season. Marvin dropped 26, and his team is 13-12. An no, he didn't get traded...the Hawks are above .500.

10:59 - And there it is, a commanding 10-point win over the Colonels. One for the ages.

On Wednesday night, the Dean E. Smith Center will play host to a basketball game for the first time since Frank McGuire roamed the sidelines. Maybe it hasn’t been quite that long, but it’s been a good while since South Carolina State was in the Priceless Gym. The Heels have played six games and taken a 12 day break for exams since that blowout. In fact, it’s been so long since Carolina played a home game, season ticket holders have been emailing Carolina Water Cooler asking for directions to the Bowles Parking Lot. We can only hope that means those folks are planning on showing up on time.

When the fans do find their way to their seats, they’ll get the treat of watching Roy Williams’ club take on one of Louisiana’s elite basketball programs, Nicholls State. We’re yet to receive a good explanation as to exactly how Nicholls State wound up on the schedule. Seriously, was it too much to ask to play Quarters State? Or at the very least, Dimes State? Clearly this was some sort of scheduling snafu.

However it happened, the Colonels will arrive in Chapel Hill ready to play on Wednesday night. Speaking of Colonels who are ready to play, this seems like a good time to check in with The Colonel, one Byron Sanders. Colonel Sanders is still in Europe and is playing professional basketball for Queluz Sintra Patrimonio Mundial. Some of those words may not be part of the team name, but we don’t speak Portugese (and we’re pretty sure that’s what language that is).

Prior to joining the Queluz squad, Byron played for the Phoenix Hagen, where he averaged 7.7 points and 5.8 rebounds per game. He also continued his marked improvement from the free throw line, shooting 43.5% on the season (up from 20% his junior year and 36.4% his senior year in Chapel Hill). His team also seems to be showing progress, withdrawing from Liga after the 2007 season and joining Proliga. Of course, given our Portugese proficiency, there’s a chance this move could be a regression.

Now that Byron’s adoring fans can rest assured he’s doing well, we can return our focus to Carolina’s upcoming opponent. This Nicholls State team is not to be taken lightly – they defeated a solid New Orleans club by 15 on the road. They are also coming off back-to-back non-conference wins, a feat they accomplished as recently as the 2005-2006 season.

Nicholls State is located in Thibodaux, Louisiana, which brings up a burning question. Why do people in Louisiana insist on taking the letter “o” and turning it into “aux” or, even worse, “eaux?” Whey must it be “Geaux Colonels!” or “possibly neaux Hansbreaux” or “Harold the Sheaux Arceneaux?” It just doesn’t make any sense.

In much the same way that Foster’s is Australian for beer, Nicholls is apparently Australian for “a lot of Australian people play basketball here.” The Colonels have five Australian natives on their team this season, three of whom are starters. In fact, only two players for Nicholls State average in double figures (Michael Czepil and Ryan Bathie), and both of them are from down under. To get the full effect of this paragraph, be sure to read their names with an Australian accent.

If for some reason you’re unable to watch Wednesday night’s contest live, don’t worry about it. Just catch the next kangaroo to Aussie Land and watch the tape delayed replays of the game at 10:00 p.m. or 4:00 a.m. Sydney time on ESPN Australia. Another alternative would be to set your DVR to record the contest, thereby allowing you to watch the game on this continent.

Hopefully this game will be forever remembered as the basketball game that was played the night before Arthur Brown committed to play football at Carolina. Of course, there's always the chance that it could be the game where Ty Lawson and Wayne Ellington both break their legs and ruin any hopes of a trip to the Final Four. Personally, I'm hoping for the Arthur Brown scenario.

8:02 - As the broadcast opens with the camera panning the rafters of the Louis Brown Athletic Center, Dave texts to say: "Look at all those NIT banners. What a proud tradition."

8:03 - Tyler loses a contact lens 40 seconds into the game. Pretty sure that's a new record. And not just for Tyler. Dave suggests that we create a game for the website called "Find Tyler's Contact."

8:08 - There's no possible broadcast team that could be better than Sean McDonough and Bill Raftery. Although if they let Dave and I call a nationally-televised game, it would probably be pretty solid. I would play the role of Sean, and Dave would be the one responsible for yelling, "ONIONS!!!"

8:14 - I'd like to tell you that Wayne Ellington is smoother than a baby's butt, but he's actually even smoother than that. Let's say he's smoother than a baby's butt, if the aforementioned baby's skin is made entirely out of satin. Can that last sentence fit on a t-shirt?

8:18 - Our entire bench is laughing and clapping about the jump hook that Alex just hit. That probably doesn't speak highly of his offensive production at practice.

8:26 - I've decided to start making a list of things that are quicker than Ty Lawson, but I'm having trouble getting started. If you know of anything that's actually quicker than him, email me.

8:29 - We apparently spent a significant amount of time working on defense during these past 19 weeks when we haven't been playing any games. In their last 5 possessions, Rutgers has gotten the ball inside the three-point line once.

8:38 - I very much enjoy when Roy gets so upset about relatively minor things like us not getting a rebound that we should have gotten while leading by 13.

8:43 - Stitches in the eyelid for Danny. But McDonough is trying to ease the pain by informing the country that Danny's dad is in prison. Maybe during the second half, somebody could run over Danny's dog and complete an impressive trifecta of great news for the kid.

8:49 - If you were to put together a list of the top ten most awkward-looking moments of Tyler's career, seven of them would come from this first half of basketball.

8:58 - While trying to decide on a nickname for Duke's three freshmen during the halftime show, Steve Lavin tossed around "The Three Amigos" and "The Triplets" before finally deciding on "The Three Musketeers." Sign that man up for a Nobel Prize for Creativity.

9:09 - Rutgers isn't very good. In fact, I'm actually embarrassed that New Jersey is only five states away from the state of North Carolina, where I live.

9:21 - Some guy named Brian apparently proposed to his girlfriend during the last commercial break. Raftery said, "They're still smiling. That will change." Love that guy.

9:25 - Danny Green (whose father is in prison, if you haven't heard) hits back-to-back three-pointers. He looks like he's on a mission since returning to the game with his stitches.

9:34 - So Poplar Bluff is known as the "Gateway to the Ozarks?" Is that something they're happy about?

9:38 - Dave wants to know when we play a good team. Taking a quick glance at our schedule, I'd say probably not until next season.

9:41 - We'd have a lot more points if we didn't keep fighting each other for offensive rebounds. Maybe when we play a good team, they won't let more than three of our guys get to the offensive glass.

9:44 - Tyler just knocked himself silly by banging his head on the bottom of the goal support. I bet the impact knocked both contacts out.

9:53 - There's a chance that Ty could be the only Carolina player on the court and still end up getting a transition layup more than 50% of the time.

10:01 - Text from friend-of-the-site Benji: "Old guy in front of me at the bar after Graves stole the pass and went in for the layup: 'Go Danny!"

10:04 - And Surry closes it out with a buzzer-beater from the baseline. I look forward to his speech on Senior Day, by the way.

Official AD Statement to Iron Dukes Regarding Coach Roof Dismissal:

Several of you have asked for some amplification of the reasons for the dismissal of Head Football Coach Ted Roof. The decision was based on a multitude of factors, which I will explain in turn.

First was a failure to meet expectations. I told Coach Roof when we first hired him for the job, “Ted, I’ll be honest with you. We suck at football. I know that. All I ask of you is to turn the program around to a point where we at least suck a little bit less.” Sadly, Coach Roof failed in this endeavor.

We were also disappointed by some of Coach Roof’s judgments over the course of this past season. For example, it was publicized that Coach Roof suspended the team’s leading tackler after he was arrested for a variety of felonies, including DWI and assault with a deadly weapon. But then he turned around and allowed that same player to return to the team after just a game. I mean, heck, what’s the point of bringing him back to a team this bad? If you are going to feign having ethics, at least carry the farce out for the entire season. Maybe if he had just kept this thug off the team we could have at least had an excuse for losing eleven games. But, no, Ted had to bring his star defensive player back to ensure that we lost over and over again, free from handicap, all while making a mockery of our purported moral standards.

I spoke with Coach Roof about this issue, and he indicated that he was only following the precedent laid down by our school’s highest authority. And, sure, Coach K brought Gerald Henderson back after he missed just one game for splitting a guy’s head open. But our basketball team was going into the NCAA tournament at the time, and we had every reason to believe we were going to win that first round game against an 11 seed. Coach K had no reason to believe that his team also would fail to win another game after bringing an under-punished hood back to action. I was very disappointed at Coach Roof’s inability to comprehend this vast distinction.

In a larger sense, we did not feel that Coach Roof was promoting a positive image for the University. And let’s face it, after the wholesale cheating in our business school, Gerald’s cheap shot elbow, and my own son crashing a boat while stinking drunk, we are running a little short on free passes in the image department.

And that takes us to the still larger issue here. I really came to believe that Coach Roof lacked the character that we at Duke University have come to expect from our leaders. Most of you will remember, for instance, last January when Virginia Tech upset our men’s basketball team here at Duke. After the game, the Virginia Tech players celebrated in a most unsportsmanlike manner. Coach Krzyzewski then took it upon himself to admonish Zabian Dowdell, one of the Virginia Tech players, by telling him, “You are too good of a player to celebrate like that.”

Despite having multiple opportunities to do so, not once did Coach Roof attempt to critique the manner with which opposing players celebrate their victories over Duke. It was as if Coach K’s example just passed him by.

It was for these reasons that we felt a change was needed.

In 2006, the North Carolina football team kicked off its season against the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers. Now, in 2007, the Heels basketball team will tip off its season against Rutgers. Many people will try to say that Carolina has already played eight games this year, but we here at Carolina Water Cooler consider 12 consecutive days in December without a basketball game the “offseason.”

Sunday evening’s game marks the end of a brutally long stretch of road games for the Heels. So far, Carolina has emerged from the road trip unscathed, including two wins without star point guard Ty Lawson. If Coach Williams can prevent his team from falling victim to the upset bug in New Jersey, North Carolina will return home undefeated for what will be, by far, their easiest five game stretch of the year.

In order to remain unbeaten, however, they’ll have to get by the State University of New Jersey (Rutgers), not to be confused with the Private University of New Jersey (Duke). Sunday’s game will be played at “the RAC” in Piscataway, New Jersey, which is different than “the hole” from which Punxsutawney Phil emerges each February 2nd – though each location has approximately the same seating capacity (one groundhog).

The Scarlet Knights are a force to be reckoned with on the hardwood. Last season, they advanced all the way to the National Championship game before falling to the University of Tennessee. They’re also powerful off the court, as evidenced by their ability to get a popular and well-respected radio talk show host fired from his job. Wait…actually, it looks like both of those feats were achieved by the women’s basketball team at Rutgers. A bit of research shows that the men's squad lost to St. Peter's, so they probably aren't all that good.

Last year, Carolina took the Scarlet Knights behind the proverbial woodshed, emerging with an 87-48 win. That game was different than Sunday night’s game will be, however. For one thing, last season’s game was played in the Dean Dome, whereas this year’s contest is on Rutgers’ home court. Speaking of the Dean Dome, don’t forget to finish up your Christmas shopping with the purchase of a Priceless Gym t-shirt from Carolina Water Cooler. Remember, 25% of all proceeds through Christmas Day will be donated to Volunteers for Youth.

This season’s game is also different in that J.R. Inman and Anthony Farmer will both be eligible to play this season. Last time these two teams hooked up, Inman and Farmer were each serving one-game suspensions for “academic reasons,” which we’ll assume means they weren’t doing anything academic. To let you know how important those two individuals are to the Scarlet Knights, on average this season they’re scoring approximately 40% of their team’s points. Of course, given their already documented academic problems, it’s unlikely they could do the math to figure that out.

Carolina will have to be careful not to come out flat in Sunday’s game, their first since fall semester exams concluded. Rutgers, on the other hand, will be just three days removed from an impressive 10 point win over the now 0-13 New Jersey Institute of Technology. Carolina Water Cooler’s research has revealed that NJIT is either an Ivy League wannabe, stealing its name from MIT, or an online college. Or both.

You may hear a familiar name when the Scarlet Knights’ starting five is announced and Hamady Ndiaye’s name is called. As a sophomore, Ndiaye is contributing in a big way, picking up 38 blocks through Rutgers’ first 10 games. Hamady’s Senegalese brethren, former Tar Heel Makhtar N’diaye, had similar stats during his time in Chapel Hill, racking up 38 technical fouls in the first 10 games of his career.

Sunday’s game tips off at 8:00 p.m. and will air on the original Entertainment and Sports Programming Network. If you happen to be in Piscataway (possibly because you mistook it for Punxsutawney), grab a ticket and head over to see the Heels and Scarlet Knights in action.

With so many coaching vacancies out there, Carolina Water Cooler is here to help shed some light on how things will unfold. And like so many important things in life, it all starts in Fayetteville...

Arkansas - Ted Roof will be the guy that finally accepts the Arkansas job. And out of gratitude, Arkansas will be the school that accepts Ted Roof. Which brings us to Roof''s old stomping grounds...

Duke - Steve Spurrier's love for Duke is well-documented. He always gives the Blue Devils a gratuitous vote in the season's first coach's poll and nostalgically references his years at Duke almost weekly. Look for the Ol' Ball Coach to end up back in Durham within the next few weeks. So now there's an opening at...

South Carolina - Tommy Bowden has already showon that he has some interest in leaving Clemson. And what better opportunity than the University of South Carolina? He's already familiar with the recruiting territory and while Clemson fans are incessantly unhappy with eight or nine wins in a season, the folks in Columbia would think of him as the second coming of...well...Steve Spurrier if he could take them to such lofty heights. Of course, somebody will have to fill his shoes at...

Clemson - Keeping the job in the Bowden family would certainly be the logical hire for the Tigers. Look for them to go after the other Bowden (No, not Terry. He already has a sweet gig dressing as Santa Claus in shopping malls around the country this holiday season.) Look for Bobby Bowden to be the next coach of the Tigers. He has to be fed up with all of the FSU fans complaining that the game has passed him by, and what better way to stick it to the 'Noles than moving to a division rival to finish his career. That will leave a plum job for someone to take at...

Florida State - One name seems to rise above the rest when it comes to finding a natural replacement for Bobby Bowden. Joe Paterno would relish the opportunity to take the reigns at Florida State and pass Bobby in career wins while using players that Bowden himself recruited. Furthermore, the lure of finishing his coaching career (and, for that matter, his last days on earth) alongside Chuck Amato would surely be too much for Paterno to turn down. So someone will need to step in at...

Penn State - Charlie Weiss has proven that he can take a tradition-rich program and run it into the ground in a short period of time. Is there any reason to believe that he wouldn't relish the opportunity to duplicate his Notre Dame experience in Happy Valley? Of course, someone will have to replace Charlie at....

Notre Dame - The opportunity to bring the Irish back to glory will be a big temptation for plenty of coaches. This will give Notre Dame the upper hand during the hiring process. Look for them to pull off a big-time package deal that brings Tom O'Brien to South Bend (as football coach) alongside Pete Gillen (as mascot). So now we go to...

N.C. State - Imagine how intriguing it must be for a man who used to coach in the Triangle to be given the opportunity to coach in Raleigh. Ted Roof will leave Fayetteville to become the head man for the Wolfpack, since he never really wanted the Arkansas job to begin with. So now we've come full circle to...

Arkansas - Sound familiar? Either the coaching carousel will continue into eternity, or the Razorbacks will disband their football program because nobody wants to coach them.

The Duke University Fan Store offers classic merchandise for the classic Duke fan, (i.e., one with no connection to the place other than a desire to jump on the bandwagon.)

General fan essentials

DUFUS bumper sticker package – What a deal!!! Three bumper stickers for the price of one! Package includes one Duke basketball sticker, one New York Yankees baseball sticker, and your choice of one (1) of the following collegiate football stickers: Alabama Crimson Tide, Georgia Bulldogs, or Florida State Seminoles. No more scraping Duke stickers off the bumper during those hot summer months!

Women of Duke wall calendar – You have spoken, and we have responded: all women are fully clothed in loose-fitting, long sleeved blouses and long legged pants for your viewing pleasure/safety.

Memorabilia

DVD of 1992 Regional Final against Kentucky – Digitally remastered to provide Coach K commercials exclusively throughout. Imagine the hours you’ll spend watching this classic game with each of Coach K’s 46 television commercials! Bonus feature includes never before seen angles of Christian Laettner’s buzzer beating shot and of Thomas Hill collapsing to the floor in tears!

2001 National Championship team photograph – Why settle for generic team photos depicting only players and coaching staff? The DUFUS team photo includes the entire team, complete with all three game officials.

Complete set of EuroLeague trading cards – Collect all of the Duke greats donning their professional jerseys!

Apparel

Authentic Orlando Magic player jersey - Available in jersey number 5 in honor of JJ’s career scoring average

Authentic Trajan Langdon CSKA Moscow’s EuroLeague championship tee-shirt

For the Duke football fan – Duke blue paper bags with pre-cut eye, nose, and mouth holes. Enjoy the games in complete anonymity!

For the home

Horseshoes set – Another DUFUS first, these horseshoes and spikes are specially designed to replicate the clanking sounds of JJ Redicks’s performance against LSU in his final Duke game! Entertainment and nostalgia all-in-one!

Authentic Cherokee Parks tattoo collection – Impress your friends with your Duke loyalty by ruining your body like this complete idiot.

Bobby Hurley diapers – An ingenious product, these diapers feature a mugshot of Bobby affixed to the bottom. When baby wets, Bobby’s face blushes.
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I've heard a lot of squawking about how the Palestra is some kind of historic mecca of basketball greatness. Whatever. Let's beat Penn by 147, shall we?

7:01 - YES!!! Bill Raftery is calling our game tonight, which means that I get to shout random words throughout the game in his honor.

7:04 - TOMATO SOUP!!! (Raftery has actually never said this, but he should.)

7:06 - I have some distant cousins that are Quakers, except they live in Indiana, not Pennsylvania. I also have some even more distant cousins that live in Pennsylvania, except they're Amish, not Quakers. Or maybe they just live in Amish Country and aren't really Amish. Actually, I remember going to see them when I was five years old or so, and they had an Atari, so they're probably not Amish. At any rate, because of these familal connections to both Quakers and the state of Pennsylvania, I feel very close to Penn's basketball team.

7:07 - Just for the record, the above entry doesn't mean that I don't enjoy it when Tyler dunks on them mercilessly.

7:12 - Danny would be about eight feet tall if he'd just straighten out those bowleggedy ol' legs. "Bowleggedy" may or may not be an actual word.

7:16 - You know, I never thought this would ever happen, but it has. Danny Green has surpassed Marcus Ginyard as my favorite player on this team. The kid just does everything right. Hits the three, makes the extra pass at the right time, rebounds as if he's a 7-footer, makes trips to the pharmacy for old ladies, donates thousands of dollars a year to the United Negro College Fund, etc.

7:19 - Second foul on Ty. Never seen a point guard get in foul trouble so much. He's like Tom Wideman minus 10 inches.

7:24 - After yet another layup, Tyler has 37 of our 25 points.

7:25 - That white guy that plays for Penn just drove to the basket and got blocked from behind, and the ball flew out to the other white guy in the corner. Raftery said, "Oooo, nice kick out."

7:29 - Speaking of Tom Wideman, he's apparently playing for some team in Madrid these days. He even has a Spanish Wikipedia entry.

7:32 - After Wayne misses a single free throw, Raftery informs us that "his parents are still proud of him, even though he's struggling a bit right now."

7:39 - Raftery is explaining how the backdoor cut works. You're not here for analysis, Bill. You're here to randomly shout out the names of vegetables and/or articles of clothing.

7:40 - Dave texts to say that Penn's coach looks decidedly Ivy League. I wonder if Dave would be offended if I tell him that he looks like an accountant?

7:53 - For my halftime snack, I'm eating oatmeal in honor of the Quakers. It's not Quaker oatmeal, but if I didn't buy the generic brand of all of my groceries, it would be.

8:04 - Can you imagine being a big man for another team and having to deal with change of pace that would come with guarding Tyler, then Deon, then Alex?

8:12 - Judging by Tyler's physique, I'm starting to think that he must work out some during the offseason.

8:15 - We're told that the Poplar Bluff newspaper has a "Tyler Tracker" where they keep the good people of Poplar Bluff abreast on Tyler's latest exploits on the basketball court. They have something similar for me back home in the Hickory Daily Record, except it mostly keeps track of speeding tickets, sprained ankles, and girls who refuse to talk to me anymore.

8:22 - Judging by the look on Roy's face, you'd think that we were down by 40. And that Diet Coke no longer exists.

8:24 - "SEND IT IN!!! POPLAR BLUFF!!!" - Bill Raftery, circa December 2007.

8:29 - I remember being in the media room after we beat Penn in the Dean Dome last year. Some kid from the Penn student paper was going on and on to one of his colleagues about how he'd just asked Tyler a question in the locker room and Tyler had, in fact, answered his question. Andy Britt turned around and told him to "take the conversation outside or actually, just go home." It was funny.

8:40 - Danny Green = Irresistable Force.

8:41 - Bobby Frasor = Not-quite-as-irresistable-yet-substantial-nonetheless Force.

8:43 - This game has ceased to entertain me.

8:47 - William Graves for three. Not too late for him to make a run at ACC Rookie of the Year.

8:52 - If we can get Copeland off the floor, we'll be throwing a whitewash at Penn. Of course, they trotted a whitewash out there long ago.

8:54 - So long, Palestra. Color me unimpressed. Next?

It’s the game of the century. A game for the ages. A battle of epic proportions. “One of the most anticipated games” in the history of the “most storied gymnasium in the history of collegiate athletics.” At least, that’s how Tuesday night’s contest between the University of North Carolina and the University of Pennsylvania is being billed in the northeast. Note the quotation marks. We didn’t make that stuff up. It came straight off the official website of Penn athletics.

Therein lies the reason why Carolina sometimes plays close games against mediocre opponents – for the Heels it’s just another game, yet for the competition it’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Just how once-in-a-lifetime is this game for the Quakers? Tuesday’s game will mark the first time that Penn has hosted a team ranked number one in the nation in The Palestra. Ever.

The Palestra is one of the few arenas to reduce its seating capacity as time has passed. When the building first opened, over 80 years ago, it seated 10,000 people. It now holds a whopping 8,722 – more than one third of the Dean Dome! It is famed for bleachers that are closer to the court than the seats at Cameron Indoor, with no barrier to separate fans and players. If this is hard to envision, just picture your high school gym.

The Heels and Quakers have battled six times in history, with Carolina coming out on top in four of those contests. Penn’s two wins in the series came in 1951 in the Dixie Classic in Raleigh and in 1979 in the NCAA Tournament in Raleigh. The lesson? Don’t play Penn in Raleigh. Oddly enough, though the Quakers have never lost to Carolina in Raleigh, N.C. State is the only current member of the ACC that the Quakers haven’t ever beaten.

Penn only returns two starters this season from a team that lost to North Carolina by 38 last season. To make matters worse, one of those two – 6’4” sophomore Darren Smith – fractured his patella in the first game of the year and is out for the season. The good news is, this year’s squad can lose Tuesday night’s game by 19 and claim to be twice as good as last year’s team.

The Quakers are riding a two game losing streak, with losses to Lafayette and Villanova in the past week. They’ve also fallen to Drexel, Loyola (MD), Howard, and Virginia. Those losses have made for a rough season thus far for the Red and Blue, but they’ve been able to take out some aggression on our men in uniform, posting victories over both The Citadel and Navy.

The University of Pennsylvania makes up 20 percent of the “Philadelphia Big Five,” with the other four schools being Temple, Saint Joseph’s, Villanova, and La Salle. If you’re wondering why Drexel isn’t in the Big Five (if you even knew Drexel was in Philly), it’s because if they joined they would have to rename themselves the “Philadelphia Big Six.” They’ve got to maintain some exclusivity, after all.

Tuesday night’s will be Wayne Ellington’s homecoming game. Ellington is from Wynnewood, Pennsylvania, a mere eight miles from the city of Philadelphia. While this is approximately as far apart as Duke and North Carolina, it takes twice as long to make the Pennsylvania trip as you have to get on thirteen different turnpikes along the way.

The Palestra’s small capacity, coupled with the Tar Heels attracting an obscene amount of fans, will make tickets difficult to come by for Tuesday night’s game. Carolina Water Cooler’s exclusive source for tickets has a few in stock, but if you live in North Carolina and don’t want to make the day trip up I-95 (or however you’d get there) the game will be aired on ESPN2.

Stillman is taking today off so he can get married. Or maybe he’s just in a wedding. I wasn’t really listening. He’s probably just in a wedding, because I think he would have invited me to his wedding. And he probably wouldn’t have scheduled it during a Carolina game.

 1:59 – I’m a little worried that there’s still 6:22 to play in the MAC Championship and that game is being aired on the same channel as our game.

2:01 – Apparently our game tips off at 2:15. Have they not been saying 2:00 all week? If I’d known it was 2:15, I’d have showered when I got home from playing some basketball just a few minutes ago.

2:11 – It’s good to know that it wasn’t just me…Jones Angell also thought the game was starting at 2:00. I guess they’re trying to wait for this wildly entertaining Central Michigan/Miami (Ohio) game to end. Alternatively, they could just cut away from it, as I’m pretty sure no one cares about it.

2:17 – A mere seventeen minutes after the scheduled tip time, we’re underway.

2:22 – I thought Coach K “selected” Patrick Patterson to play at Duke. This must be a different one.

2:28 – Why are they booing Tyler’s contact falling out?

2:31 – How bad is Dick Vitale? Kristin just asked me to turn on Woody. I didn’t even think she listened to the announcers. But Woody it is.

2:33 – The officials have called approximately 6.34% of the fouls Kentucky has committed on Tyler thus far, yet the Heels are still in the one-and-one with over 13 minutes to play.

2:40 – Ty Lawson with what appeared to be a Cota floata.

2:43 – Wimpy Gillespie looks good for a 100 year old lady.

2:44 – Kristin wants to know if double dribble, carry, and palming are all the same thing. They are not, but you wouldn’t know it after listening to Woody’s explanation of the previous play.

2:46 – Perry Stevenson just picked up his fourth foul of the game. Yes, there are over eight minutes to go in the first half. No, none of them were bad calls.

2:49 – The Heels are shooting 20% and still lead by six. That’s almost as unheard of as someone picking up four fouls in the first 12 minutes of a game.

2:55 – No matter how wide open Tyler is when he catches the ball, he always holds onto it just long enough to draw contact.

2:58 – Shots are finally starting to fall for both teams. The good news is that every time Kentucky scores, Danny Green answers within 5 seconds. The bad news is that Kentucky is scoring.

3:02 – I get exhausted just watching Dick Vitale on mute. He’s bouncing around so much that the cameraman is making me seasick in his attempts to keep him in focus.

3:06 – Now that it’s halftime, I’m going to go shower so you can’t smell me through your computer screen as you continue reading.

3:20 – Back. Clean. And just in time for half number two.

3:24 – Deon swishes a 17 footer. Me likey.

3:27 – Good to see opposing fans still want Tyler to be called for a walk every time he touches the ball.

3:32 – Perry Stevenson has fouled out, which brings us to the under 16 time out.

3:37 – For a moment, I thought I was watching the 1957 National Championship team because ESPN’s picture turned to black and white. It didn’t seem to phase Bobby Frasor, who made a three during the technical difficulties.

3:38 – The color returns just in time for Bobby to make another three.

3:45 – Does Marcus get an assist for his air ball that Danny Green caught and laid in? Danny tried to make sure he gets one by thanking the passer.

3:57 – Remember David Noel’s baseline drive and dunk in Rupp his senior year? Nothing like that happened just now, it’s just something I like to reference every so often.

4:04 – This game isn’t over yet. We were up 20 a while back, but it’s now only 14 with a little over 6 minutes to play. Let’s put them away, please.

4:07 – Never in my life have I seen a fan base that boos as much as the folks in Lexington.

4:16 – You know who I haven’t seen today? Ashley Judd. Maybe they’ve showed her and I just missed it. Whatever the reason, though, it’s a shame.

4:29 – As he fouls out, Patrick Patterson gets a round of applause from the Kentucky faithful for his dirty play. Classy.

4:32 – Please stop fouling and just let the game end. I beg of you. Please.

4:33 – Biggest blowout in the history of single-digit wins. Carolina by nine.

The ACC has already clinched yet another resounding victory in the ACC/Big Ten Challenge, but leave it to State to find a way to embarrass the conference anyway. They're playing like Herb Sendek is their basketball coach. No, actually they're playing like Chuck Amato is their basketball coach.

8:55 - Here's a neat story from the State/Michigan State game: When Carolina scores 100 points in a basketball game, people get free biscuits at Bojangles. Taco Bell has a similar deal with Michigan State...but guess how much Michigan State has to score. Give up? 70 points. That's Big 10 basketball for you. A team has a magical shooting night where they put up 70 points and Taco Bell starts passing out their Grade-D beef for free. (Attention Taco Bell marketing folks: I'll agree to not mention your Grade-D beef if you become a CWC sponsor. Please contact Dave to set this up.)

8:58 - Dave just texted to tell me about the taco thing. Either his TV is three minutes behind mine, or it takes him three minutes to send a text message. Neither is out of the question.

9:11 - Wasn't our game supposed to start at 9? Must I continue to watch my conference being put to shame in East Lansing?

9:14 - And just as soon as the State game ends, we're tipping off in Columbus. It's almost as if everything in college sports is dictated by TV executives. But surely that's not the case.

9:17 - Is it me, or did ESPN set up their cameras in Akron? I can't even tell people apart. The only way I can tell the difference between Tyler and Wayne is because Tyler isn't shooting three-pointers. Oh, and the fact that Tyler is white also helps me differentiate. But the point remains, the cameras are very far away.

9:24 - Doris Burke has a disturbingly deep voice.

9:27 - Text from Benji: "Vitale alternately sounds like he's losing his voice and choking, yet he keeps talking."

9:31 - Remember in '05 when we beat Virginia in Charlottesville by like 87 or something? I remember being ahead 98-48. No idea what made me think of this just now.

9:33 - Deon just missed a 4-foot jump shot. Woefully.

9:35 - Does Thad Matta have teeth? He always looks like he just has gums.

9:43 - Ohio State is jacking up shots from just inside halfcourt. And making them.

9:45 - Dave wants to know why Herb Sendek is coaching us now. I guess he's implying that he's not pleased with having only 21 points at the final TV timeout of the first half.

9:50 - It's now a four-way tie for my favorite player on this team. Alex has now joined the race with Ginyard, Danny, and Q. This ballot is getting more crowded than a California gubernatorial election.

9:52 - Normally I'd be mad at Tyler for shooting a fadeaway on the baseline 12 feet from the basket, but it made me realize that it's the first time I've ever seen him do that. And he's a junior.

9:57 - Randolph Childress, Miles Simon, Harold Arceneaux, and Titus Ivory...meet Jon Diebler.

10:19 - I enjoy the Marcus Ginyard floater. Even when he misses it.

10:28 - Waye Ellington is a stone cold killa. Not killer. Killa. Not sure what the difference is, but there is one.

10:41 - I just sneezed a couple times, and then opened my eyes and see that we're up by 11. Not sure what happened there.

10:47 - Ten minutes and 53 seconds between field goals for Ohio State. I guess that's how we got up by 11.

10:49 - Spoke too soon. They just scored eight in less than a minute.

10:51 - Text from Benji: "I'm counting at least five different pronunciations of Koufos's name. Doofus is by far my favorite." Just a few minute ago, I was wondering myself how many times a day that guy got called doofus in fourth grade.

10:55 - This Hansbrough kid out of Poplar Bluff, Missouri is looking like he might turn out to be a good one for the Heels. I'm going to keep a close eye on his career.

10:59 - Doesn't look like we're going to get any free tacos from this game. But we shall continue to own the Big Ten. Which is a fine consolation.

Funny story: Whenever my mom says the word "era," for some reason she pronounces it "error." So now you can understand the dual meaning when I tell you that we're most likely looking at the end of the "Ted Roof Error."

3:17 - There are more people here than I expected. Don't misunderstand; there's hardly anybody here. Just more than I expected.

3:22 - Congrats to the Wolfpack, by the way. I guess there was a reason that BC fans were so eager to help TO'B pack his bags.

3:26 - They're introducing the seniors now. Dave is happy to note that Joe Dailey is finally graduating.

3:37 - Already, it's looking like this could be a battle to see who's the least incompetent. We snapped the ball, it hit Greg Little, T.J. grabbed it, got sacked, but ended up getting a first down after a 15-yard facemask was called on the Blue Devils. Ah, good times.

3:41 - TOUCHDOWN BRANDON TATE!!! Didn't take very long. We haven't scored on the first drive since...what...James Madison? Not the James Madison game. The James Madison Presidency.

3:49 - Can't help but notice that Duke is moving the ball at will here. Also can't help but notice that staying up for last night's (read: this morning's) basketball game has left me a little drowsy.

3:52 - Pretty much a full house now. Impressive. How did that happen?

3:54 - The last three tackles have been made by Durell Mapp, Kentwan Balmer, and Hilee Taylor. Happy Senior Day.

3:56 - And just like that, we're all tied up. Senior Day is no longer happy. For the moment.

4:02 - Terrence Brown's punts always, without fail, bounce the wrong way. I don't think it's his fault, but it always happens.

4:04 - I understand that academic constraints will never allow Duke to have a very athletic defense, or a stable of gamebreaking running backs. But you would think that they could at least put together a good offensive line and a quarterback. Aren't those supposed to be intelligent positions? And shouldn't smart people at least be disciplined? So why do they get all of these delay of game and false start penalties? They should fire Ted Roof.

4:18 - I'm told there were people outside the West End Zone protesting Butch's contract extension. I didn't realize that they're now allowed to hold a Carrboro Street Fair outside of the Carrboro city limits.

4:25 - What if I set the Alamo on fire later tonight? Would that speed up the stadium expansion process? These are the things I think about during games like this.

4:31 - Is it too early to start the "Will T.J. be our quarterback in 2008?" debate?

4:35 - WCHL sports director Jeff Hamlin says that if you look up "Playing down to your opponent's level" on Wikipedia, this game comes up as the definition.

4:46 - Is it too early to start the "Will T.J. be our quarterback in the second half?" debate? Dude looks like he just learned how to play football yesterday. And Reggie Ball was his teacher.

4:50 - We haven't beaten Duke handily since 2004. Just thought I'd throw that fact out there.

4:56 - Hakeem the Supreme needs 45 yards in the second half to become our first 1,000-yard receiver since Clemson last won a basketball game in Chapel Hill.

5:12 - If I stop typing sometime during the second half, it's because I threw myself out the press box window to a cold death on the concrete below.

5:16 - Duke is driving. Duke will be leading soon. Butch may have to spend his entire raise on a state-of-the-art security system for his house.

5:21 - WIDE LEFT!!!! THE FIELD GOAL WAS WIDE LEFT!!!! OH MY GOD, I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS EXCITED!!! GAME STILL TIED!!!! I REPEAT...THE GAME IS STILL TIED!!!

5:22 - Sorry about the above post. Just trying to keep myself awake.

5:34 - Duke driving. Duke fumbling. Our ball at the 45. I can say without hesitation that this is the worst game I have ever witnessed. It's a lot like yesterday's Arkansas/LSU game. Except the exact opposite. I'm going to step away and watch the end of the Tennessee/Kentucky game. If it goes into five overtimes and I don't come back for 45 minutes, then so be it.

5:50 - Ok, brief break from the SEC action to tell you that Dave just texted to ask me if I remembered when Bunting made Matt Baker go beg Tranq to stay one more year before retirement. I told him I did and asked if he wanted Tranq back. He said no, he was just trying to think of other times in his life where he'd wanted to gouge his eyes out.

5:54 - Touchdown Blue Devils. Suddenly, I'm starting to think that we're not going to cover the 14-point spread.

6:10 - Dave: "What's the best way to contact Butch and ask him to personally refund the price of my tickets?"

6:15 - Tennessee wins in four overtimes. Worst day ever.

6:16 - TOUCHDOWN GREG LITTLE!!! Wow. He dove in the end zone, much like he did in the South Carolina game. All tied up at 14. What if this game goes to four overtimes too? It would be the first time that two teams both fail to score in the first three overtimes.

6:29 - Greg is chewing up the yards now. Chewing them up, I said.

6:32 - Fourth and one from the Duke 45...less than two minutes to play. And we're punting. Or are we? Not at the moment; it's a delay of game. Now we're definitely punting. Playing for overtime. Against Duke. Phenomenal.

6:36 - Pass nearly picked off, but instead it's a Duke first down at our 31. They're going to win this on a field goal at the gun.

6:40 - Here it is, from 40 yards, 1 second on the clock. NO GOOD!!! HE MISSED IT!!!! OVERTIME!!!!

6:41 - I guess Butch told Dave that he couldn't refund his ticket, but he could give him store credit. Hence, the free football.

6:46 - Good defense on Duke's overtime possession. And the field goal is MISSED!!! Wide left again. Give us the rock.

6:47 - GREG LITTLE!!! First play of overtime. Unreal. Just unreal. Dave says it best: "Breathing a sigh of relief. Not because we beat Duke. Just because football is over."

The plan was for Stillman to view the first half of this game and me to take over at the start of the second half. Considering he didn’t return a single first half text from me, not to mention his phone went straight to voicemail when I called him at 1 a.m., I’m not convinced he was even awake for the first half. If he did indeed fail to keep his part of the deal, I apologize for the brevity of this edition of the View.

1:04 – As half number two starts, I can’t imagine how grumpy Roy must be. Not only is it after 1 a.m. and he’s still awake, but we’re only up four to start the second half.

1:06 – Tyler just made the ball spin in a single spot on the rim (like a Globetrotter spins it on his finger) for at least 17 seconds before it went in.

1:08 – Has anyone else noticed that Ty is a pretty quick dude? I can’t be the only one who’s detected this.

1:10 – Has anyone else noticed that Ty is a pretty good ball handler? I can’t be the only one who’s detected this.

1:13 – Was that Queen Latifah in the stands when they came back from that commercial break? I think it was, but at this time of night it could have been a hallucination.

1:19 – Ty. Is. Fast.

1:22 - I remember my freshman year in college when my friends and I wouldn’t even start playing cards until one in the morning. I no longer enjoy keeping those types of hours.

1:27 – Danny just got called for a foul on the cleanest block I’ve ever seen in my life. Roy is none to pleased with Mr. Official.

1:30 – Few things are more entertaining than when Tyler picks up a steal at the top of the key, takes it the other way, and flushes it.

1:33 – For everyone who lives in the eastern time zone, is this the first time we’ve been able to watch the Heels play two men’s basketball games in the same day? I can’t think of another time this has happened.

1:35 – Ghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Sorry – fell asleep on my keyboard for a second there.

1:38 – This team is incredibly explosive offensively. You’ve heard about the infamous 8 points in 20 seconds? These guys do that at least once per game. Of course, they have the benefit of a three point line, so it doesn’t count.

1:41 – It appears that the scoreboard in the arena has the Heels listed as “NorthCaro.” That’s an abbreviation I’ve not seen before.

1:44 – Ty just made another phenomenal play and then left the game injured. Kind of reminiscent of Raymond Felton during every game of the 2005 season.

1:46 – Tyler for three! He missed it, but if it had gone been we’d be sitting at 100 points right now. As it stands, only 97. We probably won’t top 100, but that’s ok, because Old Dominion won’t even sniff 90.

1:49 – Well, at least it was a short game. The good news is that the game against BYU won’t start quite so late tomorrow – er, later today. The bad news is that for those of us on the east coast it still probably won’t end until Sunday morning.

Sources report that Duke Head Football Coach Ted Roof is considering leaving the program for another head coaching position. He is one of several candidates being considered for the head coaching position at Mendenhall Junior High School, which is located in Greensboro, North Carolina, approximately one hour west of Duke.

A source close to Mendenhall, who wished not to be identified, confirmed that Roof met with the school’s principal, Mary Jones, in the school cafeteria during lunch period last Monday to discuss possible terms.

Dick Little, Roof’s agent, says that his client is intrigued by the position for several reasons. First, he likes that Mendenhall’s athletic facilities are of similar quality to Duke’s. “Both schools,” Little explained, “have a beautiful track surrounding the football field, which, in our view, is the mark of a school committed to athletic excellence.” Roof is also excited by the prospect of coaching a school where some students, even a handful, attend the games. Over the past three years, Mendenhall has averaged 35 persons in attendance at each home game. At least half that number is students, many of whom stay for the entire game. “That’s a really novel and exciting concept to Ted,” said Little.

Finally, Roof is excited by the prospect of not having to recruit players. “Recruiting at Duke has been a real challenge for Ted,” Little continued. “You have UNC, State, and Wake Forest all right here. Then there’s N.C. Central and, hell, even Shaw and Elon for that matter. Ted really likes the idea of compulsory education laws requiring students, including ones with actual football talent, to attend his school.”

Roof’s candidacy is not without controversy. Some close to Mendenhall have raised concerns over the coach’s record at Duke. The school’s principal, however, dismisses these concerns. “I am confident,” Jones said, “that a man who has managed to coach a Duke football team to one victory in two years of play is ready to step up to the junior high level.” Jones is also impressed with Roof’s reputation for high ethical standards. “The way Coach Roof dismissed his team’s leading tackler for an entire week after he was charged with multiple felonies, including DWI and assault with a deadly weapon, demonstrates the kind of integrity in leadership that our schools need.”

Other candidates for the position include Mike Johnston, a seventh grade science teacher at the school, John Robertson, a sixth grade guidance counselor, and Mike Prescott, who currently serves as the team’s equipment manager. “It will be a difficult decision because all four men have such similar qualifications,” Jones said. “We’re just ecstatic to have such a quality field of candidates from which to choose.”

Thanksgiving week is quite the busy one for the North Carolina basketball team, as they are participating in the Findlay Toyota (not Findlay College) Las Vegas Invitational. As the name states, this event is not a tournament, it’s an invitational, so the set-up is awkward, but Carolina Water Cooler is here to attempt to spread it out in a nutshell.

Basically, there are eight teams, four of whom are decent, four of whom are cupcakes. To kick off the event, the four respectable teams ( Carolina, Louisville, BYU, and Old Dominion) host two games a piece against not-so-respectable teams. The Heels and Monarchs claimed victories over Iona and South Carolina State, while the Cards and Cougars took out Hartford and Jackson State.

All eight teams then travel to Las Vegas (hence the event’s name), where two four-team tournaments are played. Carolina’s four-team tournament features the Heels taking on Old Dominion on Friday night, with Carolina – er, the winner – taking on the winner of the Louisville/BYU game and Old Dominion – er, the loser – taking on the loser of the same Louisville/BYU game.

Now that you understand how the crazy event works, let’s get to know the participants a little better…

Old Dominion

The Monarchs are 3-1 on the young season, with the lone loss coming at Clemson. In their games against common opponents, the Heels have easily outpaced ODU. Old Dominion defeated South Carolina State by 10 and Iona by 11, whereas the Heels beat those same teams by 46 and 35, respectively.

The Monarchs are members of the Colonial Athletic Association, which will forever be known as “George Mason’s conference” to Carolina fans. Of course, to Duke fans the CAA will always be “VCU’s conference.” Regardless of how it’s referred to, the Monarchs have won the conference’s championship four times in men’s hoops, the most recent of which came in 2005. They’ve also won a National Championship (in 1975), but it was in Division II, so no one cares.

That’s not entirely true…Oliver Purnell cares. He was the captain of that 1975 team and earned All-American honors that year. Care to guess who the Monarchs beat in the championship game to claim the title that season? A little team called New Orleans. Ever heard of them?

You may remember Old Dominion from Roy Williams’ first game as head coach of the Tar Heels. Carolina rolled over the Monarchs with a 90-64 victory to open the season in 2003, simultaneously giving fans a reason to look forward to basketball season again and an opportunity to forget the loss to Duke in football that had taken place earlier in the day.

BYU

After Friday night’s game (which tips off at 11:55 EST, by the way), there’s a slim chance the Heels will take on Brigham Young University on Saturday. If that’s the case, there is an even slimmer chance that presidential hopeful and BYU graduate Mitt Romney will be in attendance. Actually, there’s probably no chance of that happening, but this was pretty much the only chance Carolina Water Cooler will ever have to reference the Stormin’ Mormon, Mitt Romney.

The last time the Heels faced the Cougars was in Maui during the National Championship season. Sean May and company released their frustration on the fine folks from Utah that season as they followed a stunning loss to Santa Clara by pounding BYU, 86-50.

The Cougars have yet to be tested this season, winning their first four games by an average of 31 points. They’re either quite good or have played four teams that are the opposite of quite good. A quick peak at their first four opponents reveals that it’s probably the latter.